New guy put me off right before we had sex for the first time

[Brooklans]

Just wondering if this would put anyone else off or if I’m being a bit silly.

Background info: I’ve been single for 7 months. Had a few dates here and there, but not slept with anyone since breaking up with ex-dp, as I didn’t like anyone enough to do so. I have been seeing this guy for a month now, and we were about to have sex for the first time over the weekend, but I got put off and left early.

We were at his house, first time I’d been over there. Sat on the sofa watching tv, we were hugging and began kissing. It had been no longer than 15-20 seconds into kissing, our clothes were still on, no foreplay or heavy petting, when he said
”Suck me off and make me cum first” (before we have sex, he meant)

It was just so premature and abrupt, it turned me off. It didn’t feel natural in anyway. I was planning on eventually giving him oral sex, but the fact that he ‘ordered’ me to do it quickly, while we still had our clothes on, sat on his sofa, it felt so transactional.

After he said it, my face must have showed some disgust or disappointment. I sat there and he asked me what was wrong, I said “You’ve ruined the mood”

He apologised, he said his reason for saying that was because he was worried he’d cum quickly. He thought if I’d given him oral sex first, we could have a break then have sex later, and he’d last longer, and that he was actually thinking about my needs (not entirely convinced on the last part).

It’s killed my attraction to him now I think, I’m not sure how to get back to the place I was at before.

AIBU?

It sounds like he panicked, if we are being charitable, but the damage would be done and he'd have to be SUPER amazing in every other regard from me to ever look at him again without the ick.

I would block him.

Not even a please!!
Even if his explanation is true, surely it’s more polite for him to have had a wank first? His suggestion/demand that you could suck him off, have a break then have sex later would’ve made me laugh. What an offer! At least one guaranteed orgasm for him and I’m permitted a nice relaxing break.
I think this would put me off entirely and give me “the ick” as they say. It’s a shame but I wouldn’t be able to forget the first sexual encounter and would feel like we aren’t compatible

Seriously?

Firstly - Not a random - did you actually read OP's initial post.
Secondly - Are you the shagging police or something?

I hope you discussed sex before all this because maybe he thinks this is how things go based on previous people he has been with.

This is possibly where it started to go wrong, but we didn’t speak about sex beforehand during the 5 weeks of dating. Apart from the odd jokey innuendos. We never discussed what we like or expect personally, he never asked. It was almost an unspoken topic. Which I quite liked to be honest, it made me feel he wasn’t after one thing and it built up the anticipation.

But if he does assume that was ‘normal’ I guess it says a lot about how he views sex or possibly even me. Which doesn’t really help matters.

Good to hear a man’s perspective and that this would be equally off putting. I did turn it back on him and asked him how he’d feel if I abruptly blurted out “Lick me out and get me off before it goes further”, and I could tell by the look on his face that my point was made, he agreed it was crude and unpleasant.

I think a bit of sick came up when I read your post!

Panicked?? Eeesh, that's beyond charitable. Panic doesn't make someone order a woman to suck their dick. Women's over-empathy and men's lack of it never fails to astonish me.

How romantic. 🙄

No class, charm and absolutely clueless about the art of seduction.

Course he apologised - he saw his blowjob vanish into thin air

😂😂😂

Ugh! And I say that as a person who has actually slept with plenty of "randoms" and people I was not in relationships with (as was erroneously referred to in this case by Ms Victorian Judgypants up thread). My DH of 20 years will do this and I am happy to oblige, especially if time is short! But for the first go, no way! My DH was a ONS pick-up to begin with and I give him a blowjob in a bathroom first as part of the whole pick-up but that was my decision, he didn't tell me to!

Personally(guy), I always try to discuss it, not too heavy as it can come off like that is all i want, but it saves time when I end up doing things wrong like he did here and of course, 5 weeks in , i am hoping to know if we will work in that department.
And fyi, the fact that we reached 5 weeks, I very much fancy you so if you did ask me "“Lick me out and get me off before it goes further” I am ashamed but i gladly do lol

The thing though, women work different so I am not silly enough to handle these situations this way, easy does it. Finally, seeing your dates have been great, I would not be put off, just consider communicating, all will be well considering that he did take your point on board, and most importantly, he did not force it. These things require communication beforehand.

OP - Do not listen to this, imagine blocking someone just because of one thing vs the 9 other positives you saw.

Communicate always and he seems to have taken it on board

Grim. Also it was a lie when he said it was for your benefit/needs. Sack him off.

Oh hush 🤫

Yeh it would have given me the ick as well Op. I think if you want to carry on with him you will need to have a chat about what you expect for the first few times you have sex. Just seems bad manners to me and a sense of entitlement which doesn’t bode well.

I'm with you OP, if it wasn't the first time then maybe. But in the context you describe that's definitely a turn off, and probably would make me run. Weird thing for him to do for the first time. It does make me think is he just going to get more demanding later!

To me (woman), if a man said this before we'd had sex for the first time it would make me realise how he thinks sex is going to go from now on. He cums twice to my once. His sexual needs are more important than mine. For any men reading this, make the woman orgasm FIRST if you want to guarantee she continues to be 'in the mood'. I have so many friends that don't want to have sex any more because of just this. The man cums every time and the woman only occasionally. Then the men wonder why the women aren't up for it. Why do you think!!

Utterly grim. It’s dead in the water ( or should be ) . You can do so much better than this .

Yeah, for me what would have put me off was the fact that he said it after 20 seconds of kissing. I mean, presumptuous much?! Any conversation about who's going to try to make who come first surely shouldn't be happening until people are at least naked and touching each other! Not after a 20 second snog. Certainly if it's the first time they're having sex, anyway.

If someone said that to me when we'd actually reached a point at which it was very obvious we were on the verge of having sex, I'd probably have been all right with it - as I like giving blowjobs and I also like people who are blunt with their language in bed. I'd definitely have asked in equally blunt language what he was planning to do for me afterwards, and/or what his usual recovery time was - then once it was established that he would likely be able to come, still be keen to do more, and then get there again at some point in the evening, that would be OK with me.

But even then - clearly not everyone would be all right with that kind of language/approach. It would be such a risk for a man to say that (at any point during!) the very first time he had sex with someone and he still didn't really know what she was into.

How unlike the homelife of our own dear queen.

Five weeks, well done! 👏🏻

Maybe understand that people have their own opinions… if you don’t like it scroll on ❤️

No wonder some guys think they can get away with this shit when some women are so quick to see past it. This is why lovebombing works so well, when we don't heed our instincts and believe guys when they reveal how they really think, and choose to believe the bs of a few weeks romancing. 'Communicate always' - except when it's them communicating their selfish, sexist filth, in which case get past it and imagine they were merely misunderstood in the moment and are actually a real catch worth hanging onto that we can fix and turn into a good guy.

Eww wtf.

Porn has ruined young men forever. Is this what they expect sex to be like now?

Vile.

People are allowed to give their opinions when they like, this is an open forum. If you don’t like it, don’t let the door hit you as you leave ❤️