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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

New guy put me off right before we had sex for the first time

652 replies

Brooklans · 27/10/2025 14:19

Just wondering if this would put anyone else off or if I’m being a bit silly.

Background info: I’ve been single for 7 months. Had a few dates here and there, but not slept with anyone since breaking up with ex-dp, as I didn’t like anyone enough to do so. I have been seeing this guy for a month now, and we were about to have sex for the first time over the weekend, but I got put off and left early.

We were at his house, first time I’d been over there. Sat on the sofa watching tv, we were hugging and began kissing. It had been no longer than 15-20 seconds into kissing, our clothes were still on, no foreplay or heavy petting, when he said
”Suck me off and make me cum first” (before we have sex, he meant)

It was just so premature and abrupt, it turned me off. It didn’t feel natural in anyway. I was planning on eventually giving him oral sex, but the fact that he ‘ordered’ me to do it quickly, while we still had our clothes on, sat on his sofa, it felt so transactional.

After he said it, my face must have showed some disgust or disappointment. I sat there and he asked me what was wrong, I said “You’ve ruined the mood”

He apologised, he said his reason for saying that was because he was worried he’d cum quickly. He thought if I’d given him oral sex first, we could have a break then have sex later, and he’d last longer, and that he was actually thinking about my needs (not entirely convinced on the last part).

It’s killed my attraction to him now I think, I’m not sure how to get back to the place I was at before.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Sunfloweranddaisy · 27/10/2025 14:22

If this had been a bit further down the line after having sex with him a couple of times I wouldn’t mind as much, but seeming as it was the first time I think it would put me off also.

Largestlegocollectionever · 27/10/2025 14:22

What a disappointment and well done for stopping! Yeah I too would get the total pick from this, at least he showed himself before you did the deed!

FeralWoman · 27/10/2025 14:22

He could instead have had a wank before you went over to his place if he was worried about that. Had two wanks if needed. Three or four.

Dump him.

Original poster
Brooklans · 27/10/2025 14:23

Sunfloweranddaisy · 27/10/2025 14:22

If this had been a bit further down the line after having sex with him a couple of times I wouldn’t mind as much, but seeming as it was the first time I think it would put me off also.

Yes exactly my thoughts. If we were more familiar I wouldn’t have minded.

OP posts:
toomuchfaff · 27/10/2025 14:24

so he thought he was doing you a favour by ordering you to satisfy him first, as mentioned above he could have had a wank if he thought he couldn't go the distance.

Get rid. If your ick has been triggered this early on, it'll definitely not be the only ick this guy has.

Idontknowhatnametochoose · 27/10/2025 14:24

I would have been massively taken aback to say the least.

In an established relationship it might have been a turn on.

dairydebris · 27/10/2025 14:24

This would be unrescueable for me too. What an idiot.

GardenGaff · 27/10/2025 14:25

Grim.

If he was that worried about your needs and him not lasting long, he would have made sure you had an orgasm first, before any penetration.

Coconutter24 · 27/10/2025 14:25

It put you off, you don’t need to ask if others would be put off or not. You were put off and that’s ok.

Original poster
Brooklans · 27/10/2025 14:26

Idontknowhatnametochoose · 27/10/2025 14:24

I would have been massively taken aback to say the least.

In an established relationship it might have been a turn on.

Yes I agree. If we were in a relationship I’d probably even look at it as dominant and may actually like it. But at it was our first time it just felt entitled and like I was there to service him.

I hate this expectation of ‘porn like’ sex on the first encounter.

OP posts:
EvangelicalAboutButteredToast · 27/10/2025 14:28

Ha ha poor bastard. He thought he had a great idea but you were barely turned on and the thought of giving oral sex in that scenario was seedy and gross. What are you going to do now?

FateAmenableToChange · 27/10/2025 14:28

Premature ejaculation is irritating enough without the expectation of making it a virtual strangers problem to resolve. Also that sounds like the actions of someone who spends a fair amount of time watching porn. Which also could be behind his 'performance' concerns. Anyway I wouldn't be wanting to find out any more.

DaisyChain505 · 27/10/2025 14:30

He was treating you with disrespect. End it before it begins.

NovemberMorn · 27/10/2025 14:30

Brooklans · 27/10/2025 14:19

Just wondering if this would put anyone else off or if I’m being a bit silly.

Background info: I’ve been single for 7 months. Had a few dates here and there, but not slept with anyone since breaking up with ex-dp, as I didn’t like anyone enough to do so. I have been seeing this guy for a month now, and we were about to have sex for the first time over the weekend, but I got put off and left early.

We were at his house, first time I’d been over there. Sat on the sofa watching tv, we were hugging and began kissing. It had been no longer than 15-20 seconds into kissing, our clothes were still on, no foreplay or heavy petting, when he said
”Suck me off and make me cum first” (before we have sex, he meant)

It was just so premature and abrupt, it turned me off. It didn’t feel natural in anyway. I was planning on eventually giving him oral sex, but the fact that he ‘ordered’ me to do it quickly, while we still had our clothes on, sat on his sofa, it felt so transactional.

After he said it, my face must have showed some disgust or disappointment. I sat there and he asked me what was wrong, I said “You’ve ruined the mood”

He apologised, he said his reason for saying that was because he was worried he’d cum quickly. He thought if I’d given him oral sex first, we could have a break then have sex later, and he’d last longer, and that he was actually thinking about my needs (not entirely convinced on the last part).

It’s killed my attraction to him now I think, I’m not sure how to get back to the place I was at before.

AIBU?

Nice to see romance is still alive and flourishing.🙄

ConstitutionHill · 27/10/2025 14:31

FeralWoman · 27/10/2025 14:22

He could instead have had a wank before you went over to his place if he was worried about that. Had two wanks if needed. Three or four.

Dump him.

This! Well done for speaking up and standing your ground OP!

HappyHunting101 · 27/10/2025 14:31

It's not good and I'd have had the same reaction. The fact that he's then tried to justify it as being for your benefit is the worst part for me and a big sign of the type of guy he is.

No way would I see him again.

shellyleppard · 27/10/2025 14:32

🤢🤢🤢 just 🤢🤢🤢🤢 yeah he might have lasted longer but no guarantee.....

didntlikeanyofthesuggestions · 27/10/2025 14:32

Anyone willing to selflessly get a BJ just to enhance your experience of sex sounds like a thoughtful, generous guy. What a hero.

Original poster
Brooklans · 27/10/2025 14:33

EvangelicalAboutButteredToast · 27/10/2025 14:28

Ha ha poor bastard. He thought he had a great idea but you were barely turned on and the thought of giving oral sex in that scenario was seedy and gross. What are you going to do now?

Ha ha poor bastard

That made me laugh 😆

I don’t know what I’m going to do now, it only happened yesterday. We’re both off work today so we were planning on me staying over and having a cosy night in, but I left yesterday as I just felt awkward after that encounter.

I guess I just wanted other women’s opinions on the matter first before to see if they’d feel the same way, before I make a decision. I didn’t know if I was being a prude.

OP posts:
Redburnett · 27/10/2025 14:33

Time to move on.

Bluecrystal2 · 27/10/2025 14:34

Romance isn't dead then.

HoppingPavlova · 27/10/2025 14:34

Yeah, no way. If he was truly worried about his ‘problem’ then he could have sorted himself out shortly before you arrived, problem solved. That’s what a normal person would do. This is icky.

JudgeBread · 27/10/2025 14:34

And they say romance is dead 🙄

I'll give him points for having the sheer brass neck to imply a blowjob is for your benefit not his.

Opal888 · 27/10/2025 14:35

He's completely unreasonable. If he came too quickly he could have spent many hours pleasuring you in other ways til he was ready for PIV again. Men just don't have any imagination and this was very uncouth. As a PP said, he could have had a wank(or 3)

Don't bother trying to get the spark back, you've only known him a month chuck him back

ScabbyHorse · 27/10/2025 14:35

He should’ve made you come first instead