New guy put me off right before we had sex for the first time

[Brooklans]

Just wondering if this would put anyone else off or if I’m being a bit silly.

Background info: I’ve been single for 7 months. Had a few dates here and there, but not slept with anyone since breaking up with ex-dp, as I didn’t like anyone enough to do so. I have been seeing this guy for a month now, and we were about to have sex for the first time over the weekend, but I got put off and left early.

We were at his house, first time I’d been over there. Sat on the sofa watching tv, we were hugging and began kissing. It had been no longer than 15-20 seconds into kissing, our clothes were still on, no foreplay or heavy petting, when he said
”Suck me off and make me cum first” (before we have sex, he meant)

It was just so premature and abrupt, it turned me off. It didn’t feel natural in anyway. I was planning on eventually giving him oral sex, but the fact that he ‘ordered’ me to do it quickly, while we still had our clothes on, sat on his sofa, it felt so transactional.

After he said it, my face must have showed some disgust or disappointment. I sat there and he asked me what was wrong, I said “You’ve ruined the mood”

He apologised, he said his reason for saying that was because he was worried he’d cum quickly. He thought if I’d given him oral sex first, we could have a break then have sex later, and he’d last longer, and that he was actually thinking about my needs (not entirely convinced on the last part).

It’s killed my attraction to him now I think, I’m not sure how to get back to the place I was at before.

AIBU?

Oh no I couldn't ever get in the mood again with him after that. I'd have to move on. You're definitely not being unreasonable. I think you've dodged a bullet he really isn't giving the impression he would be good in bed at all.

I highly doubt the round two he had mentioned would of been worth it or even happened.

“He apologised, he said his reason for saying that was because he was worried he’d cum quickly. He thought if I’d given him oral sex first, we could have a break then have sex later, and he’d last longer, and that he was actually thinking about my needs (not entirely convinced on the last part).“

If you had been convinced by the last part, I have a bridge you might be interested in purchasing…

As PPs say, he sounds porn sick but that’s certainly not your issue.

I may - and I mean very tenuously may - if up until now it’d been a great experience, give him another shot at a date (and a date only, the sex clock just rebooted for him). But he’d have his work cut out, no more of that nonsense, admits he’d had a moment of madness and let the intrusive thoughts in, is prepared to really listen and respect my expectations/boundaries, and start over by heavily wooing me all over with no guarantees. But considering how selfish he’s revealed himself to be, I doubt he’d be up for the work required.

I’m sorry OP, how disappointing. Where’s the fun and warmth in it all anymore?

You have the ick now. Can’t say that I blame you.

Well afterwards we continued to watch the movie, but to me it just felt like that was a massive elephant in the room. I felt awkward and disappointed. Since I’ve not had sex since my last DP 7 months ago, I had these visions beforehand of us having good sex which would progress naturally, and becoming even more close and comfortable around each other. That encounter did the exact opposite. As I felt deflated I just left.

He’s texted me like normal as if it never happened, but even texting him back now feels like a chore. I’m look at him differently now.

It’s killed my attraction to him now I think, I’m not sure how to get back to the place I was at before
Why do you need to? He showed you he was a selfish lover and it has been 5 weeks. And the first time you plan to have sex youd think the date would be better than watching tv at his house. No effort from this guy at all once he thought you were a sure thing.

He should've just had a bunch of wanks earlier on in the day before he met you?!

I get him not wanting to PE, but the way he said it obviously was a turn off so I guess that's the end of that 'adventure'?

This

Nothing wrong with a direct and assertive man, but eww on the first time sleeping together - definitely feels transactional and prostitutey 😬😬

How delightful man and what a treat for you 🤑🫣 .

I bet he had been planning that all day.

Did he cook you dinner first ?

How old is he ?

If you really did like him that much and you think he's capable of learning from this, you could always just be completely blunt with him.

"To be honest with you, you've completely fucked up here and right now the idea of sleeping with you really bothers me. However, I did really like you and I'm willing to give it a couple more dates to see if I can get past this. Sex is completely off the table until I say otherwise though."

If he's as much of an arse as he's shown himself to be so far, then he'll probably run a mile, but if this is a spectacular cock up on his part and not indicative of who he is, then maybe he'll be willing to put in the work.

To be fair to him on this one, he’s wined and dined me for almost 5 weeks. We’ve done various activities together. I’m not a cheap easy date.

It was actually me that suggested the chilled Sunday night in at his (as I did want to finally sleep with him at the time).

Urgh. Charmer! He would never see me again..

That would ruin it for me too. I recently had sex for the first time after 9 years! It was romantic and affectionate. I would have left too if he’d said that. How disappointing for you. Well done for leaving.

He's a right Mr Darcy, isn't he?

He has internalised too much porn. He thinks all women are happy to do whatever is ordered by a man. It doesn't bode well for a fun sex life so recommend moving on. This is what I did with ex-boyfriend who claimed sex was all about him and his needs, because 'you women know how to sort yourself out'...yes we do, and the door is over there Prince Charming.

9 years wow. Glad it was worth the wait for you!

Yes romantic and affectionate is what I was hoping for. Surely the filth could have waited until the 3rd time ! 😆

I feel like I’m about 100 years old reading this!

@Brooklans you can do so much better than this man. What happens inside the bedroom is indicative of what happens the rest of the time. He’s selfish and only thinking about his disfunctional willy rather than trying to make you happy.

I feel a bit sorry for him; he’s totally ruined his chances with you. It may have been a comment said in the heat of the moment.
However; I’d feel totally the same as you. It’s crude and very off putting when you hardly know someone. Get rid.

I apologise on behalf of my gender.

I hope you discussed sex before all this because maybe he thinks this is how things go based on previous people he has been with.

If a woman said this to me, sad to say I would do it but Gosh, it would actually make me laugh, feel weird after, write the whole thing off maybe.

"Suck me off and make me cum first" who is actually turned on by this lol

It's to his credit that he apologised

Course he apologised - he saw his blowjob vanish into thin air and that those weeks of wining and dining were all for nought. Now he's trying to reset it to normal so he can claw things back and end up getting to cum in one form or another, but thank god the OP has seen him for what he is and won't be fooled. Apologising for telling (not even asking) a woman to suck him off does not add some gloss of gallantry that makes it better. Agree OP, it's dead in the water.

lol this made me giggle, so if on the third encounter he said those words you would have jumped up for it? lol this whole thing is making me giggle and I have work to get back to lol

I hope you speak to him, if the other stuff outside of the bed is worth it for you.

Yeah, that would put me off as well.

Fair enough if you had some sort of friends with benefits thing going on, I'd have no problems doing it then. But to go from 0 to that in 15 seconds, is a big NO from me.

It’s up to you OP, only you understand the dynamics, although your first post made me wince!

And it's the 'break' after him getting sucked off that's really killing me. Like that's anyone's idea of an acceptable first sexual encounter, outside of actual sex work. For the guy to get sucked off, cum, take a break and try again later. Seriously?? The woman gets a 10 second snog, a mouth full of dick and spunk, then hangs around watching telly waiting to see if he can get vaguely hard again. No hint of any other skills in his repertoire. No sense of her as human being with needs, desires, nothing. It's really quite haunting at its core, no wonder you're so unsettled by it.

The gross and transactional entitlement with which he suggested this suggests that this is his normal opus operandi.

Which in turn suggests that his approach normally works and women comply.

Which is quite sad.

Wow....what a twat...he sounds like some sort of teenage dirtbag rather than a grown man.

He wouldn't see me for dust. I wouldn't put up with the level of stupidity.