Page 36 | Cleaner invited friends over AIBU

Nestingbirds · 2025-10-27T06:43:59+00:00

We have an arrangement with our cleaner that she takes care of our animals when we are away for a few days. She usually stays in the annexe but this time stayed in our house due to refurbishment. We had an agreement when this started that we would prefer she didn’t have visitors apart from her long term boyfriend. He is away atm. She was totally on board, and said she would feel the same if it was her house. We pay her really really well, and leave her lots of treats including fresh flowers. She told me she likes the time she has to herself, and all is well. Only our neighbour texted me to say there are people coming and going from our house and sent me her ring doorbell footage. Not only is she having friends over, she isn’t actually spending time with the animals or cleaning (we pay her separately for both) as the rest of the time she has been out. We never leave our dog all day. Whilst we obviously don’t mind her going out, and want her to be happy, I just feel taken for a ride as she is clearly not there doing either. I have messaged her to see how she is, hoping she would be honest about her friend coming over and staying for hours in our house, but she has continued to lie to me. I feel like I can’t trust her now. Wwyd?

DarkYearForMySoul · 30/10/2025 13:45

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DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 30/10/2025 13:57

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BackToLurk · 30/10/2025 14:06

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What do you think the 'tiny aspect' not relevant to the situation is?

Aloafofsour · 30/10/2025 14:07

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AliceMaforethought · 30/10/2025 14:28

springintoaction2 · 30/10/2025 12:44

I'm getting strong Mrs Pumphrey vibes from this thread. I can't quite believe this has been discussed and dissected for over 18 pages 😂

Get a different cleaner - job done.

Or (heaven forbid) do your own cleaning.

Why should she 'do her own cleaning'? If you had a dishonest plumber, would you 'do your own plumbing'?

AliceMaforethought · 30/10/2025 14:29

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It might not be accurate, but I totally get where they're coming from. These posters are very aggressive and bizarre in the way they post: their content might not be like incels, but their MO most certainly is.

EstherGreenwood63 · 30/10/2025 15:08

@LavenderRagdoll I guarantee the wee saps will be trying to get you deleted for pointing them out. They don't like it up 'em. Sadsacks they are. 🤣

EstherGreenwood63 · 30/10/2025 15:11

Not sure what's 'mindblowing' about pointing out that many incels and their ilk stalk these boards looking to goad, attack and goad (women) some more. Surprised you're so 'mindblown' tbh.... 🤔

AliceMaforethought · 30/10/2025 15:13

EstherGreenwood63 · 30/10/2025 15:11

Not sure what's 'mindblowing' about pointing out that many incels and their ilk stalk these boards looking to goad, attack and goad (women) some more. Surprised you're so 'mindblown' tbh.... 🤔

It isn't remotely mindblowing, that poster is just being deliberately obtuse.

EstherGreenwood63 · 30/10/2025 15:16

@AliceMaforethought indeed...

Flobbergasted · 30/10/2025 15:32

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DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 30/10/2025 15:39

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I've already said it wasn't a particularly good nickname. And apologised.

Irenesortof · 30/10/2025 16:10

InboxOverload · 30/10/2025 08:21

I wasn’t hijacking the thread. Sorry you felt attacked. You stated you said you had no children when asked as a way to support the OP’s cleaner’s decision not to share she has step children. My point was that it is a bit odd to say you don’t have step children if you have step children. If you did have biological children would you say no to that as well, when asked by an employer?

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That's OK, I think we misunderstood each other.
My understanding is that OP at some point asked the cleaner if she had children and the cleaner said no, but OP later discovered that she had step children. And OP felt this exchange was an early example of the cleaner being dishonest or at least secretive.
I responded to that particular point by saying that if an employer who was a mum of youngish children asked me if I had children, I would say 'no' because I'd have felt she was asking if I was in a similar situation to her. My stepchildren were teenagers when I met them and only with us at weekends, so I've never been in the position of caring for young children at home all the time. So, 'No, I don't have children.' And I wasn't being dishonest, just responding in a certain way to a particular question.
If someone asked if I have stepchildren, I'd always say 'Yes' because it is always true.
Does that make more sense?

Daftypants · 30/10/2025 17:41

Nestingbirds · 30/10/2025 11:31

Thank you to the pp that said take to the dog to the vets, I don’t think I would have done this until next week if the issue had persisted. I will feel better having her checked out properly. A UTI would be easy to treat if caught early, if that’s what she has (hopefully not)

That was me ..is she ok ?

Original poster

Nestingbirds · 30/10/2025 17:43

Irenesortof · 30/10/2025 16:10

That's OK, I think we misunderstood each other.
My understanding is that OP at some point asked the cleaner if she had children and the cleaner said no, but OP later discovered that she had step children. And OP felt this exchange was an early example of the cleaner being dishonest or at least secretive.
I responded to that particular point by saying that if an employer who was a mum of youngish children asked me if I had children, I would say 'no' because I'd have felt she was asking if I was in a similar situation to her. My stepchildren were teenagers when I met them and only with us at weekends, so I've never been in the position of caring for young children at home all the time. So, 'No, I don't have children.' And I wasn't being dishonest, just responding in a certain way to a particular question.
If someone asked if I have stepchildren, I'd always say 'Yes' because it is always true.
Does that make more sense?

Edited

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Just to clarify we spoke about most of subjects over the years in passing. I know so much about her as you do with work colleagues.

Her oh had been married before so I had asked if they had children or step children and she had said no. It was such a surprise three years later to find out she had two.

I tried to change a few details on here for obvious reasons to keep her identity private, but they are married, so she has been their step mother since they were toddlers as it turns out. Although he didn’t see them for years.
It just seemed a big omission to leave out. To not say a word about them for years. I thought at the time it was dishonest, and then thought about it, and assumed she had her own reasons for keeping them a secret.

I don’t feel entitled to know, but I wish I had been more careful back then.

OP posts:

Original poster

Nestingbirds · 30/10/2025 17:48

Daftypants · 30/10/2025 17:41

That was me ..is she ok ?

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I will find out tomorrow. She perked up a bit during her walk but she is off her food this evening. Thank you, as I would have probably left it.

OP posts:

changeme4this · 30/10/2025 18:07

thepariscrimefiles · 29/10/2025 08:17

If your neighbour has left his dog outside in the cold and rain for two months, I would report him to the RSPCA. Who is feeding the dog?

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There’s a pet/house sitter coming and going… don’t worry we are keeping an eye on it. 😉

Irenesortof · 30/10/2025 18:08

Nestingbirds · 30/10/2025 17:43

Just to clarify we spoke about most of subjects over the years in passing. I know so much about her as you do with work colleagues.

Her oh had been married before so I had asked if they had children or step children and she had said no. It was such a surprise three years later to find out she had two.

I tried to change a few details on here for obvious reasons to keep her identity private, but they are married, so she has been their step mother since they were toddlers as it turns out. Although he didn’t see them for years.
It just seemed a big omission to leave out. To not say a word about them for years. I thought at the time it was dishonest, and then thought about it, and assumed she had her own reasons for keeping them a secret.

I don’t feel entitled to know, but I wish I had been more careful back then.

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Ah right, I didn't quite understand that. It is a bit strange then not to mention them. Sorry you had such a bad experience - it's disappointing and upsetting especially as your pets were involved.

Wooky073 · 30/10/2025 19:55

Nestingbirds · 30/10/2025 04:58

I have missed lots of posts on this thread. My cleaner has also always answered the door to parcels, shopping, deliveries and sometimes trades people if they have been before, and know what they sre doing.

This is part of her job when she is here. Dh and I are working/on calls or busy. If we are not, we will do it.

It we use agency cleaning we wouldn’t expect this, as they might not know the house well etc.

As our cleaning lady has worked here for years, the job role grew organically in that time, she offered to do most/all of these things I might add.

When I say she woukd pretend to be me, I mean instead of saying she worked here she would pretend to be me and sign for parcels with the postman as such, with my name instead of hers, or go and tell the decorator off for being an hour late, really berating him without speaking to us about it. We eould never speak to people in the way she does, she comes across as rude and abrupt sometimes. I have asked her not to do this.
Occasionally she still does.

A few weeks back she had a full blown arguement with the John Lewis delivery man - he thought she was the owner until I came down to find out what was happening. She has always been like this, and I used to think it was nice that she cared, and felt protective of our home etc.

OP - these are really big red flags ..... .its controlling behavior. This matches well with making decisions about which of her friends comes into your house whilst you are away (without discussing with you) and deciding which of your pets gets cared for and when. I would get rid of her regardless now. A person who believes they have control of your home (via cleaning) feels entitled and there is no telling how far it will go.

Rosiedayss · 30/10/2025 20:04

OP, as a 60 year old woman with strong enough boundaries, try not to add to this upset by beating yourself up.
Bottom line, many is the woman who is juggling loads that lets things slide because they were just busy, tired and just didn't want to get into it.

I get it. My friends would get it. Women are a bit vulnerable where cleaners are concerned because we want to trust them, want them to be a support and prepared sometimes to overlook things we shouldn't.

She's a cow who took advantage of you.
I so get that.
Thats why her reputation would be utter mud to me.
She would be filleted by me.
Be kind to yourself.

DancingFerret · 30/10/2025 20:05

Wooky073 · 30/10/2025 19:55

OP - these are really big red flags ..... .its controlling behavior. This matches well with making decisions about which of her friends comes into your house whilst you are away (without discussing with you) and deciding which of your pets gets cared for and when. I would get rid of her regardless now. A person who believes they have control of your home (via cleaning) feels entitled and there is no telling how far it will go.

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Please read the thread.

herbaltincture · 30/10/2025 21:13

BackToLurk · 30/10/2025 13:40

Damn I forgot

5) secretly jealous of your wonderful life, a life so wonderful and full of family and friends that your number one option in a crisis is seeking advice from strangers on the internet

Why are you being so rude and spiteful?

Glindaa · 30/10/2025 21:57

Nestingbirds · 30/10/2025 10:45

I have got an appointment with the vet tomorrow. As she is going to the loo inside almost all of the time, and she has never done that before.

She seems quiet and subdued, after her initial excitement when we came back. I guess she must have held on all day for some of those days the cleaner was out, and it may have caused a problem. I am hoping she has just got out of practice.

Along with losing money for our last night on holiday when we couldn’t stay, the locksmith fees were extortionate, vet fees, missing wine etc etc the costs are really mounting up.

Edited

I wonder if you could take her to a small claims court .
sounds like your dog has UTI from holding it in all day. If so needs antibiotics promptly as can affect kidneys. I hope she’s not pain but sounds like she is

Zodiacrobat · 30/10/2025 22:08

Sandtheedges · 30/10/2025 13:32

This thread is ludicrous. You literally had a slightly dodgy cleaner who didn’t walk your dog for 2 days, went out and drank a bottle of wine. That is ALL that happened.

This is now progressing - somewhat hysterically - to buying equipment to identify hidden cameras, visions of her hitting your dog and discussions of being targeted by incels. One of the weirdest threads I’ve ever come across for what is really a minor issue.

Well why dont you leave the thread then if it’s annoying you so much? Nobody is making you stay and read it.

ruethewhirl · 30/10/2025 22:12

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