Cleaner invited friends over AIBU

[Nestingbirds]

We have an arrangement with our cleaner that she takes care of our animals when we are away for a few days. She usually stays in the annexe but this time stayed in our house due to refurbishment.

We had an agreement when this started that we would prefer she didn’t have visitors apart from her long term boyfriend. He is away atm. She was totally on board, and said she would feel the same if it was her house.

We pay her really really well, and leave her lots of treats including fresh flowers. She told me she likes the time she has to herself, and all is well.

Only our neighbour texted me to say there are people coming and going from our house and sent me her ring doorbell footage. Not only is she having friends over, she isn’t actually spending time with the animals or cleaning (we pay her separately for both) as the rest of the time she has been out. We never leave our dog all day. Whilst we obviously don’t mind her going out, and want her to be happy, I just feel taken for a ride as she is clearly not there doing either.

I have messaged her to see how she is, hoping she would be honest about her friend coming over and staying for hours in our house, but she has continued to lie to me.

I feel like I can’t trust her now. Wwyd?

Op you said you were gone for a weekend and an extra day - and then came home early - so your dog can hardly have been so neglected it became incontinent. It was two days.

She said she didn’t think I would mind, and she had moved house and was struggling a bit financially.

this feels quite at odds with you saying she was splashing the cash on what you were paying her. You said there were shopping bags everywhere and she’d made a ‘big dent in her mortgage’

Thank you to the pp that said take to the dog to the vets, I don’t think I would have done this until next week if the issue had persisted. I will feel better having her checked out properly. A UTI would be easy to treat if caught early, if that’s what she has (hopefully not)

oh your poor doggie. The toileting issue is very likely caused by her being stressed which could just be the fact that there was change going on, i.e. you on holiday.

More sinister thoughts are going on in my mind inasmuch that your 'cleaner' didn't walk her and as a consequence your dog ended up having an accident in the home, which the 'cleaner' had to clear up, no doubt shouting at her and possibly smacking her for doing it. 😥

Hi OP, regarding your dog's incontinence indoors. Yes, get her vet checked - but also (if not doing so already), try taking her out very frequently and reward her for toileting (also say "Wee wee" or similar when she does go - that would help reinforce that you want her to go when she's just let out into the garden. Go with her each time you do just let her out and encourage).

I'm with those who think it's probably stress-induced. Poor thing.

That makes me feel sick 😞 I’ll never forgive myself for leaving her if she ends up really ill because of this.

Well done OP. In a way it was good you woke up last weekend as she'd have driven this further. She sounds like a con artist. It is hard to spot, as little things creep in over time, become normal and one of those small incidents alone does not warrant to fire her (in our well meaning eyes anyway).

I had a cleaner like that. The one who washed an electrical appliance under running water and had to be let go as she couldn't see her mistake. How would I explain this to an insurance if anything had happened? She used to walk in and give me recommendations about weight loss, totally unsolicited. She used to say that I should go out more, do more this or that. She'd re-arrange stuff in my home to her taste or because she thought it worked better. The electrical appliance was the final straw. The signs were there before. Looking back I feel like a mug too and won't let anyone speak to me like that again in MY home. Unfortunately her cleaning work was second to none. it was literally amazing.

I feel so sorry for you OP, and your poor dog.
You must feel so used and violated by her.

Honestly, her reputation would be absolute mud in my mouth.

I would be passing about exactly how much drama she has caused you and your dog.

No way would I stay silent.

OP, I wasn't really sure the woman had any sort of hold over you until you mentioned her telling you you need to look after yourself.

When you add together that and her her attempt to win you over with flowers and a gift, it's obvious she considered you a soft touch and that she could manipulate you into giving her back her very cushy job.

Also was going to say type "bug hidden camera detector" into Amazon.. I've never used them, but you can rate the reviews and I think they are only about £20 or so... maybe use both?

I feel that this happened too. That's horrible and abusive behaviour towards the dog. Poor dog, I feel most sorry for it. While the cleaner had fun and friends over, treated the dog like that. I think the poster should sue her in small claims court, for costs incurred with the dog, change of locks and the missing wine etc.

This is haunting you as you look back over more conversations etc... but I think this is probably a process you have to go through with a finite end. Its probably how peoople feel if they've had a burglary. Or having a con man get into their inner circle. It makes you doubt yourself. But you don't need to. This is unlikely to ever happen again because you will make sure it doesn't. You sound like someone who has a good life, with lots of friends and real affection and you've done the right thing to sack this person and refuse to see her again.

So its helpful to go through the protective measures people have suggested, as a step by step rebuilding of your "inner" defences and then you will find it easier to move on from this.

However, I really don't think it is helpful to dwell on suggestions of how she might have treated the dog. you really don't know. If you have a vet check, explain your concerns then you can be fully reassured that everything is ok. Your dog now has you at home again and this will definitely help the poor chap to feel better and de stress.

But you are stressing out a lot about this and I think its always a sign that when an OP is feeling sad and vulnerable.. that the incel crowd move in and start racking up the tension. Don't let them. Every genuine pp here can see its nonsense.

So go step by step and make your checks... and hopefully see this as a process to go through so that you can start putting it all behind and not something that lingers on making you upset.

I'm so sorry. I'd feel the same as you, but it could just easily be that she's picked up a UTI through no fault of anything; it's just one of those things...I do hope the visit with the vet goes well and your dog recovers quickly; I'm sure she will. 💐Please let us know how it goes.

(btw, my comment wasn't an intention to increase your anxiety about it nor am I, in fact part of an incel crowd trying to rack up tension. If I overstepped the mark, I apologise).

I'm getting strong Mrs Pumphrey vibes from this thread. I can't quite believe this has been discussed and dissected for over 18 pages 😂

Get a different cleaner - job done.

Or (heaven forbid) do your own cleaning.

Thank you for your posts and hope everyone’s support on here, it made me really tearful.

I have a pretty ghastly record of being able to see negative traits and spot abusers, and do feel I have let my family down somewhat. Accepting such shoddy behaviour and poor standards just because it was ‘easier’ and ‘better the devil you know’ and she isn’t that bad. I should have noticed and acted faster.

I know for next time. I don’t think we will leave our dog again though. I couldn’t relax, so it would be pointless. She is getting on now, it won’t be forever.

As for some of the weirdness on this thread, are they likely to be incels? I have no idea why anyone would waste their lives on threads trying to hurt people looking for advice. Obv I know I’m being honest, but I didn’t the way they were trying to undermine me. I am not going to let them hound me off my own thread.

Let us know how your dog goes on please.

Oh your poor darling dog 😢

How has the dog been around her in the past? Did the dog seem ok in the past when you returned from a holiday away?

Well if we all “did our own cleaning”

then they’d be a lot of women out of work

This thread is ludicrous. You literally had a slightly dodgy cleaner who didn’t walk your dog for 2 days, went out and drank a bottle of wine. That is ALL that happened.

This is now progressing - somewhat hysterically - to buying equipment to identify hidden cameras, visions of her hitting your dog and discussions of being targeted by incels. One of the weirdest threads I’ve ever come across for what is really a minor issue.

Quick reminder that AIBU's tagline is

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions

not

Share your dilemmas and expect everyone to agree with every element of what you have to say, and if they don't they are probably either 1) the person you're complaining about, 2) the mother of the person you're complaining about, 3) the type of person you're complaining about or 4) (my favourite) an incel.

I strongly suspect part of the reason the thread has rumbled on for so long is the antipathy of pps such as yourself tutting and pursing their lips at the thought of a woman not cleaning her own house.🙄

It's 2025. Why the misogyny? Not to mention the puritanism.

Damn I forgot

5) secretly jealous of your wonderful life, a life so wonderful and full of family and friends that your number one option in a crisis is seeking advice from strangers on the internet

The incels comment is crazy. There are some weird posts on the thread for sure but incels, really???

" I have let my family down somewhat. Accepting such shoddy behaviour and poor standards just because it was ‘easier’ and ‘better the devil you know’ and she isn’t that bad. I should have noticed and acted faster."

I think you are beating yourself up unnecessarily here. I think some people operate in a thin end of the wedge way - so things start off OK.. but gradually get more lax until you really start to notice.

You didn't see her in that way when you asked her to housesit/pet sit. because she had been performing her function in the run up. It's this recent event that has highlighted her poor performance and made you remember and reflect on other incidences in the past and suddenly looking at these all at once makes it a big deal.

You haven't let your family down because you listened to your neighbour, came home early, assessed the situation and fired her. So what if you were friendly, gave her a drink and a gift at Christmas, that's normal decent behaviour. She doesn't have the same standards as you,but you stuck to yours. And anyway being nice to her in the past is irrelevant now and its certainly not letting your family down. I would say that rather than letting your family down, you came back and took charge of the situation, stood up to her and dealt with it.
The pay back for her is that she's lost lucrative employment from a kind and generous boss. Those are long term effects and she will come to regret her actions, if that makes you feel any better.

You're now taking precautions like changing passwords, checking credit etc and stepping up security like ring door bells. Hopefully these checks, which are good to do occasionally anyway, will turn up nothing wrong and you can relax knowing you are on top of it.

With your poor dog, you are getting him vet checked and proving him with extra TLC. If the vet says he's ok, and hopefully he is then stop worrying. You are wiser now and that is a good thing.

There is no point in telling yourself off. If you go through your check list and things are OK you will find it easier to put this behind you. Yes she turned out eventually to be a wrong un, but there are plenty of people out there who are not, so you can't let her actions continue to colour how you see things.