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AIBU?

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Original poster

Friend grabbed my child

279 replies

friends345 · 27/10/2025 00:16

I’ve been friends with let’s say ‘Louise’ for as long as I can remember.
I have a DC aged 3 and hers is 4.
we were out today and my DC had a toy Louise’s DC wanted.
Louise's DC was crying saying she wanted the toy. Mine wouldn’t give it.
I said to my DC ‘share the toy and take turns’ or something like that.

as my DC was walking passed Louise, she grabbed DC by the arm and pulled her back saying “no, you’re not having that toy’ and snatched it off her.
DC obviously got upset. I was shocked. I took DC to one side and comforted her.

I then went back to Louise. The kids went to play and Louise was saying “your DC needs to learn to share. If she’s upset my kid then I’m going to do something”.

so I replied that my DC is 3. A whole year younger than hers and she’s learning to share but she still shouldn’t have grabbed her. I let her know that wasn’t ok.

louise then backtracked and said she felt awful and that she only did that because that’s what she’d do with her own kids etc. she said she wanted to apologise to DC and she did apologise.

it was a bit awkward after that. She said to me “as soon as I did it, I couldn’t believe I’d done it and when you walked away with your DC I thought you might not want to see me again or be friends”.

i feel conflicted. My DC absolutely loves Louise’s DC and would be truly devastated if they couldn’t play together anymore. What would you do??

OP posts:
Ivy888 · 27/10/2025 08:30

friends345 · 27/10/2025 00:30

@MustbeLoveontheBrain
thats the thing, this sort of thing with the toy does happen often. If they have biscuits and Louise’s child finishes hers first and wants my DC’s, she’ll cry and Louise will just say “can my DC have yours biscuits because she’s upset” or will just take it. Whatever it is. Because hers will cry and wail so she’ll just get my DC to give. This has happened a few times but the first time she’s grabbed her.

What the hell???? She is teaching her kid it will get whatever it wants by crying. Great parenting.

op, my experience is having kids makes you look at your friends in a different light. It’s quite exasperating meeting up with people and their kids when you see that their parenting style is basically turning their kids into brats. I avoided meeting up with the kids with these friends. In your case I would have told her very clearly “let Samantha go” as soon as she grabbed her. Someone can grab your child if they are doing something dangerous (like about to run over a busy road or put their hand on a hot pan), but grabbing them to demand a toy because their child is whining for it is just physical abuse.
You need to decide if you still want to meet up with her but I would never let my child play with her child without my supervision, because you now know how she deals with her child’s demands and how she will treat another child to “help” her own child. This time you witnessed it, imagine how she would behave towards your child if you were not there to see it and call her out on her behaviour. I’m a very blunt person and would be very honest with her, that I do not appreciate the way she handled this and that I do not trust her to not do it again if I’m not there, so my kid is not allowed to play with her kid without my supervision. But truthfully, I would stop meeting up with her. I have zero interest in finding out what type of bully or spoilt brat her kid is going to turn into.
Your priority is protecting your child. Not maintaining a possible friendship.

Moonnstars · 27/10/2025 08:32

@friends345 rather than spending more time with Louise I think I would focus my time joining different groups and trying to make some new friends.
I am guessing you have tolerated her because you mention not having other friends. I would look to widen your social circle.

MrsWhites · 27/10/2025 08:34

She only apologised when she realised you were annoyed though, she tried to justify her actions and blame your DC first though! This is the bit that wouldn’t sit right with me. She didn’t apologise because she was wrong, she apologised because she doesn’t want to lose your friendship!

RitaFires · 27/10/2025 08:35

I wouldn't want to be friends with Louise anymore. She saw no issue with physically grabbing your child to take a toy away from her because her own child wants it. Contrary to some other posters I don't consider her apology good enough as it wasn't freely given. She was giving a whole Mama Bear rant about what she'll do to other children and criticising your child's behaviour until you pushed back. She only changed tack when she saw how serious you were about it.

NoSoapJustUseShowerGel · 27/10/2025 08:36

She has clearly recognised that how she acted was wrong, she has apologised for it and seems genuinely remorseful.
I’d give her another chance (but if she ever did anything like it again then it would be a very different story).

FreeTheOakTree · 27/10/2025 08:39

The worst part she said “when Louise broke my arm and hurt me. But she did say sorry for breaking my arm”

Don't teach your child it is ok to accept being hurt by anyone, as long as they apologise.

I wouldn't see this woman and her kid again. Your DD is 3 and will soon forget them. I have raised two DD's among an army of friends etc. I have never seen or heard of a parent manhandling or yanking the arm of a toddler before.

No excuses for this 'friend' OP. Advocate for your daughter and walk away.

GarlicBreadStan · 27/10/2025 08:39

NoSoapJustUseShowerGel · 27/10/2025 08:36

She has clearly recognised that how she acted was wrong, she has apologised for it and seems genuinely remorseful.
I’d give her another chance (but if she ever did anything like it again then it would be a very different story).

Have you read the rest of the thread? OP has said that this isn't the first time this has happened

Oreoqueen87 · 27/10/2025 08:40

Louise doesn’t care at all about your child’s feelings (what your child said about it was sad and she probably picks up on this). Louise cares about her child and the friendship probably works for her but not sure what you and your child get out of this.

I’d take a step back. Tell her you don’t feel like catching up for a bit, and that the kids need a break from each other. See if you miss her. I’m guessing you’ll be relived.

CanSeeClearlyNowTheRainHasGone · 27/10/2025 08:41

friends345 · 27/10/2025 07:33

@Nestingbirds
Thank you for your reassurance. Ive been wondering if i should have behaved more aggressively.

I did speak with DC and said that wont ever happen again. She asked if ‘Louise has gone to jail’. I explained she hasn’t but that won’t happen again.
she’s never looked after her on her own.

her child will scream and wail on and on and on until she gets what she wants so Louise will often say things like “can she just have it because she won’t stop otherwise?”

if her daughter carries on crying sometimes Louise will massively lose her temper and shout and shout at her child or grab her. Which I never do. So I don’t like my DC seeing that and there have been a couple of times I’ve intervened and taken both kids away from Louise until she calms down a bit. Which might sound bad. But she gets really stressed really quickly

I'm struggling to believe this...

Your 3yo seems to have remarkable use of language and a advanced concept of judicial punishment...

The worst part she said “when Louise broke my arm and hurt me. But she did say sorry for breaking my arm”
...
She asked if ‘Louise has gone to jail’

Is she advanced for her age?

ShesNeverSeenAShadeOfGray · 27/10/2025 08:42

friends345 · 27/10/2025 00:30

@MustbeLoveontheBrain
thats the thing, this sort of thing with the toy does happen often. If they have biscuits and Louise’s child finishes hers first and wants my DC’s, she’ll cry and Louise will just say “can my DC have yours biscuits because she’s upset” or will just take it. Whatever it is. Because hers will cry and wail so she’ll just get my DC to give. This has happened a few times but the first time she’s grabbed her.

I would be stopping the playdates for now. This is not good parenting on your friend's part, and she has now actually hurt your younger and understandably different phase of life child to appease her own child's 'wants', not 'needs' rather than parent her child properly. I feel for her child's future teachers if this continues.

duckfordinner · 27/10/2025 08:42

The damage has been done. She sounds manipulative and self serving . I’d find it very difficult to trust her again. I’d distance myself.

Inertia · 27/10/2025 08:42

I think that your child deserves to know that you will protect her. You need to stop spending time with Louise, because if you carry on seeing her your child will learn that you won’t protect her from harm. She will lose trust in you.

You can make new friends, but regaining your child’s trust is much much harder.

Louise need to learn that there are consequences to her actions.

ShesNeverSeenAShadeOfGray · 27/10/2025 08:44

friends345 · 27/10/2025 07:57

@PersephonePomegranate
she grabbed her upper arm firmly and pulled her back and it did seem a bit aggressive. My mum was there as it was an event we were at and my mum looked at me really shocked. As I took my DC away my mum followed me and said “what the hell did she do that for? She could have pulled her bloody arm out of her socket!”

Yeah, 'friend' needs to go. This is quite worrying.

Hiptothisjive · 27/10/2025 08:45

friends345 · 27/10/2025 00:30

@MustbeLoveontheBrain
thats the thing, this sort of thing with the toy does happen often. If they have biscuits and Louise’s child finishes hers first and wants my DC’s, she’ll cry and Louise will just say “can my DC have yours biscuits because she’s upset” or will just take it. Whatever it is. Because hers will cry and wail so she’ll just get my DC to give. This has happened a few times but the first time she’s grabbed her.

That kid is going to grow up to be the most entitled kid ever.

Have a word with her about it generally. Tell her you will discipline your own kid and she should do the same but agree not to do it to the other child. Tell her that you don’t like that her kid always dries to get her way and you don’t want to teach your kid that so won’t be giving in going forward? Why should your kid not get her biscuit because hers ate her own and now wants your kids?

She is absolutely not helping that kid later in life.

ScrollingLeaves · 27/10/2025 08:50

She realised she had done the wrong thing
and really did apologise.

I don’t see why a 3 year old has to share their very own toy if they don’t want to, even if that would be nice and they could be asked to.

Imagine telling adults they have to share something precious them? No way, on the whole, would they do so.

TickingKey46 · 27/10/2025 08:50

That would be the end of the friendship for me!. I've had a couple of friends with children that ive had to take a step back from. Your never feel relaxed in her company, the mom's behaviour will become more of a problem as time goes on. Meet new friends with children, your child will soon forget!

PhuckTrump · 27/10/2025 08:51

LTB

GarlicBreadStan · 27/10/2025 08:51

ScrollingLeaves · 27/10/2025 08:50

She realised she had done the wrong thing
and really did apologise.

I don’t see why a 3 year old has to share their very own toy if they don’t want to, even if that would be nice and they could be asked to.

Imagine telling adults they have to share something precious them? No way, on the whole, would they do so.

She apologised because OP pulled her up on it. She wouldn't have if OP wouldn't have said anything. I know people like 'Louise'

ShodAndShadySenators · 27/10/2025 08:52

I would have stopped being friends with Louise long ago, because of If they have biscuits and Louise’s child finishes hers first and wants my DC’s, she’ll cry and Louise will just say “can my DC have yours biscuits because she’s upset” or will just take it. Whatever it is. Because hers will cry and wail so she’ll just get my DC to give. That's appalling behaviour. She's teaching her child that if she [the child] wants something she just has to make a fuss to mum and mum will give in/get it for her, even if it means taking it from another child! Louise's child will be in school soon, imagine what's going to happen when she wants something that another child has?! Nightmare parent, and I wouldn't have wanted to be a part of that so I would have been No, No and NO right from when this behaviour emerged as a pattern.

She needs to be told that she's wrong and that she and her child will both have to put up with child being upset sometimes, because that's just part of life! We can't have everything we want so have to learn to accept that with good grace.

middleagedandinarage · 27/10/2025 08:54

Let it go, you made it clear it wasn't acceptable, she agreed and clearly felt bad. Im a way maybe nice she feels so close to you and your children that she treats them like her own.

GarlicBreadStan · 27/10/2025 08:55

middleagedandinarage · 27/10/2025 08:54

Let it go, you made it clear it wasn't acceptable, she agreed and clearly felt bad. Im a way maybe nice she feels so close to you and your children that she treats them like her own.

I'd be worried if she treats her child/children the same way she treated OP's kid.

KLD89 · 27/10/2025 08:55

Based on a few facts such as “if your child has upset MY child, I’m going to have to do something” and you have shared that she takes things from your child to give to her daughter often (the toy was not an isolated incident, the biscuits for example) and your child has said the worst part of the day was when ‘Louise’ broke her arm……. I would end my friendship. If your daughter has decided that that moment was the worst part for her, it obviously affected her to stay with her. It’s not ok that Louise thinks her child is somehow more deserving than yours. That’s not a friend.

She sounds like an entitled twat, raising an entitled brat (not the kids fault, brats are created)

LancashireButterPie · 27/10/2025 08:55

CanSeeClearlyNowTheRainHasGone · 27/10/2025 08:41

I'm struggling to believe this...

Your 3yo seems to have remarkable use of language and a advanced concept of judicial punishment...

The worst part she said “when Louise broke my arm and hurt me. But she did say sorry for breaking my arm”
...
She asked if ‘Louise has gone to jail’

Is she advanced for her age?

Show quote history

One of mine (aged 3) told me she thought she had learning disabilities as she didn't understand her older brother's maths homework.
Some kids have remarkable understanding and verbal ability. I don't see any reason to question whether OPs post is genuine at all.

I am actually quite concerned about what Louise is like to her own DD behind closed doors, does she hurt her too?

Ratafia · 27/10/2025 08:56

friends345 · 27/10/2025 07:49

@Ratafia
i do say “well they have one each” but my DC will say “it’s ok, she can have it”

I have told her that she doesn’t have to give to Louise’s child each time.
but when she sees her child getting upset, my DC will often do something to help her and this sometimes means giving her the thing she’s crying about. And on this occasion she didn’t. Which is why Louise’s child was screaming her head off

Surely the answer to that is to say "It's not OK, that's Childsname's biscuit".

fuzzwuss · 27/10/2025 08:56

Don't see her or her DC again, she is way out of line, and this will only escalate. Your poor dd is being taught that toys she is playing with, or biscuits that are hers must be given up the moment that the other girl wants them. In the interest of your dd learning boundries, and that she has rights too, I would not engage with these people again.