Friend grabbed my child

[friends345]

I’ve been friends with let’s say ‘Louise’ for as long as I can remember.
I have a DC aged 3 and hers is 4.
we were out today and my DC had a toy Louise’s DC wanted.
Louise's DC was crying saying she wanted the toy. Mine wouldn’t give it.
I said to my DC ‘share the toy and take turns’ or something like that.

as my DC was walking passed Louise, she grabbed DC by the arm and pulled her back saying “no, you’re not having that toy’ and snatched it off her.
DC obviously got upset. I was shocked. I took DC to one side and comforted her.

I then went back to Louise. The kids went to play and Louise was saying “your DC needs to learn to share. If she’s upset my kid then I’m going to do something”.

so I replied that my DC is 3. A whole year younger than hers and she’s learning to share but she still shouldn’t have grabbed her. I let her know that wasn’t ok.

louise then backtracked and said she felt awful and that she only did that because that’s what she’d do with her own kids etc. she said she wanted to apologise to DC and she did apologise.

it was a bit awkward after that. She said to me “as soon as I did it, I couldn’t believe I’d done it and when you walked away with your DC I thought you might not want to see me again or be friends”.

i feel conflicted. My DC absolutely loves Louise’s DC and would be truly devastated if they couldn’t play together anymore. What would you do??

I think apologise and move on is fair enough for a one off moment of madness. However this Op then went on and described a pattern of behaviour by the friend

There seems to be a pattern of behaviour with Louise……snatching a toy from another child, asking for biscuits from that same child because her own DD has finished hers and wants more, demanding a child ‘shares’………and then justifying her behaviour because ‘that’s what she does at home when her own children don’t share’!
I see this as Louise having a very spoiled, demanding and manipulative 4 year old that wraps Louise around her little finger and Louise gives in for a quiet life.

Personally, I would be giving both Louise and her child a very wide berth. The only time anyone should touch someone else’s child is to remove them from danger.

If she just takes biscuits off your child's plate, why don't you intervene?

I can't believe all the 'its ok, she apologised' replies. She apologised because she realised you saw it for what it was and was quickly backtracking. I wouldn't be valuing any friendship with a nasty woman like this over my own DC.

Grabbing the arm of a three year old so hard the three year old described it as 'Louise breaking my arm'? No way. Fuck Louise.

I think you should end this friendship. Louise thinks no matter whos in the way her daughter should have everything she wants. Also I think your daughter is going to be uncomfortable around Louise and her child so just give them both a wide berth.

I’d not stop contact over something like this. It’s a terrible example to drop someone over a difference in opinion or parenting style. I’d try to discuss. The kids are too young but later it’s going to be important for them to see how you can get over differences and still be friends by talking and ground rules etc.

@AutumnCosy2025 @Silvers11
It didn’t actually belong to either of them. They found it on the floor.
It was just a little figure toy.

I wouldn't be friends with this woman any more.

She let her mask slip. When someone shows you who they are, listen.
She sounds entitled and unpleasant to me, particularly with your updates.
If she did that with your child in front of you, I definitely wouldn’t trust her in a different room with your child. She wouldn’t be my friend any longer!

Sometimes "parents" behave like children. Louise is may be not your friend.

Is 'grab' the right word here or did she take her by the arm and remove the toy? There's a huge difference. People are saying she 'lost control' - how do they know that? It's All posdible to be firm and rake control of a situation without losing control.

If she just took her arm, I'd grow up and get over it. If it happened again, then I'd rethink.
If it really was an aggressive grab, then I'd steer clear.

Louise is not a friend nor someone who should be around your dd.
She is pandering to her child instead of parenting her, this will only get worse as her dc becomes more and more spoilt until there a full blown brat who thinks that she can just take anything she wants from anyone else and Louise will back her up and excuse her behaviour by blaming yours just like she did today.
Louise has made it clear that she will keep on abusing your child to appease hers whilst blaming yours and she only backtracked because she was scared you'd dump her as a friend, next time she won't as you've forgiven her this time. It will only get worse for you and your dd if you stay friends with Louise ditch her until she learns to parent not pander

Nope, that would be no more Louise for me. If the toy thing happens often, by capitulating to it you’re just teaching your own child someone else’s needs are greater. And the only way I’d accept someone grabbing my child is if they were pulling them to safety.

I'd either stop seeing her, or if you really value her friendship and send her a message saying - You are a valued friend and it is lovely for DC to spend time together. However I can only continue to meet up with you if you respect that your DC being upset does not mean my DC needs to do something. I will handle my DC'S behaviour and ensure they share things like toys, but I expect you to do the same with your DC and tell them when they need to just be patient ot when something belongs to my DC and they need to accept that. They are both little and just learning and so i feel it is important we both model kindness and patience. I was shocked and upset when you grabbed my DC today and that must not ever happen again unless my DC is about to cause serious injury to herself or another child.

I do think though that you should maybe use a more effective strategy for encouraging DC to share, for example asking how many more minutes they want to play with the toy for, agreeing a time, and then helping them to hand the toy over when the time expires.

@Nestingbirds
Thank you for your reassurance. Ive been wondering if i should have behaved more aggressively.

I did speak with DC and said that wont ever happen again. She asked if ‘Louise has gone to jail’. I explained she hasn’t but that won’t happen again.
she’s never looked after her on her own.

her child will scream and wail on and on and on until she gets what she wants so Louise will often say things like “can she just have it because she won’t stop otherwise?”

if her daughter carries on crying sometimes Louise will massively lose her temper and shout and shout at her child or grab her. Which I never do. So I don’t like my DC seeing that and there have been a couple of times I’ve intervened and taken both kids away from Louise until she calms down a bit. Which might sound bad. But she gets really stressed really quickly

As yours is a very long friendship, rather than a situational ‘mum friend’, I’d probably give it one more chance. However, that’s only because you should be able to be upfront to someone you’ve known for such a long time. Tell her that you’re not happy with the way that she handles these situations - it’s not good for your DD or hers, who is learning that she is more important than everyone else and can get what she wants by crying. Point out that most people will just distance themselves from her and her DC due to that behaviour (possibly they already are, given her response about you not wanting to stay?) I’d also step in the next time her DC wants something by saying ‘DD is using that right now, but you can have it when she’s finished’ or ‘you’ve had your biscuit, this is DDs’ and, if sharing is mentioned, ‘sharing does not mean you get it when you want it, it means you have your turn/biscuit and they get their turn/biscuit’. I’d be directing these comments as much at my friend as at the child! If it continues after that, she’s made her choice and, sadly, you know the friendship has run its course. She’ll regret her behaviour later, but that’s not your problem.

It sounds like it’s a regular thing and I wouldn’t stand for it. Things like taking your child’s biscuits once hers has finished hers is not on…this behaviour doesn’t promote sharing or kindness, it promotes greediness. I would be thinking about the friendship moving forward

@JustAThought8
yes I thought that. It seemed like it was going to be a lecture on how my DC should learn to share. But when I did confront her she kept apologising and saying she felt awful about it.

it isn’t the first time she’s said something like that about my DC. If the kids are doing something they shouldn’t or walking off ahead or something she might say “my DC would never do that. It’s because of your DC. She would always do as I say otherwise”

Can you have a frank conversation about it all? Use non-violent language like “when you say X I feel Y” etc and plan what points you need to get across, but if Louise is unreceptive to that, there’s not much else you can do and I’d be stepping back.

I would have stopped hanging out with her and her kid as soon as she pulled things like this. Fucking batshit way to parent a child.

I would definitely now be phasing her out at the very least and concentrating on other friendships. Your child is 3, she’ll get over it if she’s got other people to play with. Sounds like Louise only apologised because she clocked she’d pushed you too far, not because she felt she was in the wrong at all. She’ll do it again.

No, that's not good! She's prioritising her child over yours! She doesn't care about your child at all, only what hers wants. That's really not okay. You can't continue to meet up with the kids, it's unfair on your child. I've never grabbed another friends child, she must have been angry with your child to do so. Sounds like her child is more Important and comes first. It's not okay she did this and treats your child badly, it will escalate as they get older.

My sister was similar with her child e.g. asking mine for her cushion/treat/drink/toy/dinner because he wanted all of them?! My sister would ask my child for them and she'd give it, because an adult asked for it! Of course a child is going to feel intimidated by an adult. Its unfair your friend is advocating for her child like that. For me it got worse the older them got. Kind of escalated around age 5/6. So I just stopped visiting with the kids and just told the truth, they don't get on. Her grabbing your child was her true self, she always wants to do that. Imagine what she'd do if you weren't there!

Firstly, I'd be absolutely fuming if a friend laid their hands on my child.

Secondly, this whole sharing thing is ridiculous in the UK. Yes children should be taught to share toys with guests / play dates etc. but in general, we are so quick to tell our kids to give up what they're playing with as soon as another child wants it. I'm in Germany and it's so different here. It's the attitude of "my DC is playing with it now, they'll pass it along when they're finished".

If my child is crying for a toy, I say I know you want it but so-and-so has it just now and you'll need to find something else while you wait. I'd never ever grab another child and demand they give the toy to my child...your friend is absolutely ridiculous whether she feels regret or not.

Agreed 👆

I would tell Louise that your DC was really shaken up by being grabbed as she keeps mentioning it and phrasing it as ‘Louise broke my arm’ and that you don’t want to meet up for a bit as it may distress your DC.
She will probably play it down ‘oh I didn’t grab her that hard’ etc… but I’d say, well it doesn’t matter, DC was scared by you. You had no right grabbing her to take her toy because your DC wanted it. If you do things like that, every time your DC wants something, she’ll turn into a spoilt brat.