To feel like an awful mother now

[Fogthefrogfred]

I’m sure I’m going to be told I’m not unreasonable so can I also get some advice on how to talk to DD2 about this.

I have 4DC they are all adults now DD1 is 27, DD2 is 25, DS1 is 24 and DS2 is 22. They are all happy, accomplished young adults and I’ve never really doubted my parenting until now.

This week myself, my DH, DD1 and both boys are on holiday together. DD2 lives abroad, has a boyfriend and a whole life of her own so didn’t join us.

Yesterday after we arrived someone left the front door open, I don’t know why but I instinctively called DD2s name to ask why she hadn’t, she’s not clear so it obviously wasn’t DD2 who left it open! Again this evening someone left their plate on the dining table and I for some reason again called for DD2. DS1 then made a comment like “once the family scapegoat, always the family scapegoat”. I asked what he meant and this turned to all the children and my DH telling me that as teenagers I used to always blame DD2 if something happened or if no one admitted to something. A bad example of this is and I remember this happening pretty well, some of the children were outside and someone threw a rock which ended up cracking my car window. Immediately DS2 told me it was DD2 and she told me it wasn’t her but I remember I punished her anyway. Apparently it was DS1 all along! All the children admitted that they took advantage of my tendency to blame DD2 so would rarely admit to it being them. Apparently DD2 didn’t bother arguing as she knew I wouldn’t listen. DH admits he also thought I used DD2 as a scapegoat but in the absence of evidence of it being someone else he didn’t see the point in interfering as I’d never listen to him anyway. Now admittedly most of these were low level things, similar to this week, like doors being left open or table left uncleared and didn’t result in any real punishment. But all 3 children have admitted to letting DD2 take the blame for bigger things knowing I’d just assume that anyway and DD2 wouldn’t bother to fight.
DD2 and I are still close now, so I assume it’s not left any hard feelings but I feel absolutely awful about it! I have no idea why my instinct was to blame DD2, perhaps a left over of her being the toddler/child who always ran and her generally being more defiant than the others (well I thought she was anyway, now I think I was wrong !)

I feel so awful about this and feel like I owe DD2 an apology but I have no idea how to go about this.
DH says I should just leave it be, she still visits and calls often, clearly has no hard feelings about it and most families probably have one child who ends up getting the blame more than others.

AIBU to feel awful and what should I say to DD?

Please, going forward. Change your automatic responses to "whose plate is this?" "Who left the door open"

Maybe your daughter still checks in and visits because she craves your love/attention/approval not because she enjoys it?

I don't think there's much you can say. I was your daughter with my mother. Even if I wasn't there and it was pointed out, I was somehow to blame. She really tried as well to knock it off on occasion. It was like a compulsion with her. It was death by a thousand cuts.

We're NC now and I'm much happier.

You can apologise but the second it slips out again by accident, that'll be it. You would be better off changing your ways by actions imo.

Personally I would bring it up to her. I'd probably tell her the story of this conversation unfolding on holiday and ask her how she feels.

I still have a relationship with my mum and on the surface everything seems fine, but in reality I'm hugely resentful of many things she did in my childhood. The reason I find it hard to forgive is because shes never admitted or apologised for any of it.

I haven't voted here as I dont think you need to feel awful about it all, it sounds like youve not done anything consciously. You sound like a lovely mum for actually taking this feedback on board (my mum would just dismiss everyone saying she did it and change the subject!)

I think this might be part of the reason she lives abroad and hasn't made time to come on this family holiday

This makes me so sad, I really don’t want DD to go no contact. I’m insanely proud of her (as I am all my children) and I had no idea I even did this until tonight!
I’ll definitely be more mindful to not jump to accusing DD2 going forward!

I don’t think so, all the children have skipped the October family holiday at some point, this is only the second year since DD moved out that she’s skipped it and the other was during Covid.

I can’t imagine that she doesn’t still feel very hurt, you emotionally abused her (and her father noticed and let it happen!).

I can imagine it all coming out if/ when she has her own child.

I think you absolutely can acknowledge this with dd2 and apologise. Say you didn’t realise you were doing it, you’re very sorry and try your hardest not to do it again. And say to her she can point out if she feels you’re doing it in future. I’d be a bit cross with everyone else in the family too, tbh, that none of them pointed it out. And took advantage! They all need to apologise too imo.

Wow would you really class it as emotional abuse?

I genuinely had no idea I was doing it and DH did step in if there was clear evidence of someone else doing it, I think we just developed a family dynamic of anything that didn’t have an obvious suspect being DD2s fault which is awful, I still don’t really understand how that started or why she didn’t fight back more. My other children were always very quick to correct me if they were blamed for something they didn’t do. If I asked DD2 why her plate was still on the table she would just clear it away immediately which obviously made me believe it was her plate, now I’m realising that it was very likely one of the others and she just did it anyway!

But imagine how relentless it probably was when she was at home if you do it repeatedly and she's not even there? Might not be the only reason but it's hardly a prospect that will fill her with joy.

I realised I behaved towards my dd as my mother behaved towards me (essentially taking my anger on her because I knew she could cope with it). I absolutely acknowledged that, told dd I had realised I was doing it, apologised and tried very hard not to do it again. It improved our relationship.

What do you want from this OP?

People telling you it’s fine because it isn’t and you have shaped her personality and the dynamics of the others around to the point you blamed her when she wasn’t there

why she didn’t fight back I assume because she knew it wouldn’t make any difference

I was just looking for advice on how to approach this with DD2 and if anyone else has done this without realising!

Obviously I know it’s not okay, and I will talk to DD!

Yes it is emotional abuse. Can you imagine how she must’ve felt? She had her mother always blaming her, her siblings taking joy in blaming her, her father knowing it wasn’t her but not stepping in every time. It’s an absolutely awful way for a child to live.

Would you think it acceptable for her partner to always blame her for things?

You broke her spirit, that’s why she never put up a fight.

im sorry @Fogthefrogfred this is actually quite bad. I think you need to have a conversation with her, and be prepared to just listen to what she has to say.

I actually wouldn’t take any reassurance by her being ok now. A lot of the time, people don’t reflect on their own childhood or understand it until they have children themselves.

i thought my childhood was ok, I was close to my mum. Then I had my own child, realised actually how messed up I was and had to work on myself, so I was repeating patterns I thought were normal.

Why did you even shout DD2 name if she wasn't there on holiday with you? It doesn't make any sense.

Wow this is actually really sad, but at least you have finally become aware of it now. Just be totally honest and say how sorry you are, you didn't realise you were doing it and there was no reason for you to do it.

She obviously didn't fight back because she knew you wouldn't believe her. It must be quite ingrained in your mind that you would blame her for things and she's not even there with you on holiday!

I don’t know, instinct? Old habits?

I do that relatively often though, I’m always getting my kids names mixed up or calling all 4 of them when only 2 or 3 are there. It’s worse if DD1 is around as I’m used to calling their names in age order and by the time I’ve said DD1s the rest just follow instinctively.

But I think the first step is recognising yourself how bad it is and working out why. Why her? You can’t just slap a plaster on this this will be a fundamental part of who she is

I think you tell DD what happened in the same you told us here, tell her how bad you feel and apologise. Don't do it again.

Admittance of guilt and and apology can go a really long way.

Do be careful not to point the blame back on her though which is what you're doing with "I don't know why she didn't correct me"...

Everyone makes mistakes. Everyone. There are no perfect parents. Everyone is harbouring some emotional upset from their childhood.

That’s the thing I have no idea why it was always DD2, obviously in later years it’s because if there was a plate left on the table I had grown to assume it was DD2s as every time before if I pointed it out she’d go and clear it, further cementing in my mind it was hers!

How it started though I’m not sure, she was my terror toddler (we called her the little magician as she was an expert at getting out of car seat straps, buggy straps, hand holding etc.), but by 10 I guess they were all pretty similar, DD2 was most likely to leave her shoes by the door (she had a bigger shoe size than her sister pretty quickly as there is 8 inches between them) so we could identify that they were hers, I don’t know if that just spilled into everything else.

I definitely think that you need to acknowledge it. Just tackle it head on, apologise for it unreservedly and don't make excuses for your behaviour. Listen to what she has to say if she has things to say about it. Dhs mother took him out for lunch when he was in his early 20s and apologised for the way she treated him as a child, I know from the way he spoke about it that he really appreciated her acknowledging what had happened and apologising. He always understood that she was treating him that way because she lost a child before him and was terrified of losing him too so was never angry at her as such but still appreciated her taking him aside off her own back and tackling it head on.

No doubt it will be uncomfortable for you and maybe her too but will you feel just as uncomfortable if you don't address it now that you understand what you have done?

This is awful. Your poor dd.
You should definitely apologise and make sure you stop.

I'm sorry but this is emotional abuse. Read up on scapegoating in families and put yourself in her shoes.

Oof. Hard read OP.

I think you should raise this with your daughter. I still see, visit and call my mum regularly, and I'm sure she thinks we have a great relationship. But beneath the veneer that I, for the sake of peace, work hard to maintain there an acidic pit of resentment based on how she behaved to me when I was a child, teenager and young adult. It's not that I don't love her, because I do, but I have been hurt so deeply and frequently by her that I'll never truly be over it.

I've never had an apology from my mum and I never will because she isn't capable of it. But it sounds like you are capable of reflection, growth and connection. So I would meet up with or arrange a call with your daughter, tell her about how things unfolded on this holiday, and offer a sincere and unqualified apology. Then, going forward, change your behaviour.

Sounds like you had more kids than you could handle or watch and one of them paid the price.