To feel like an awful mother now

[Fogthefrogfred]

I’m sure I’m going to be told I’m not unreasonable so can I also get some advice on how to talk to DD2 about this.

I have 4DC they are all adults now DD1 is 27, DD2 is 25, DS1 is 24 and DS2 is 22. They are all happy, accomplished young adults and I’ve never really doubted my parenting until now.

This week myself, my DH, DD1 and both boys are on holiday together. DD2 lives abroad, has a boyfriend and a whole life of her own so didn’t join us.

Yesterday after we arrived someone left the front door open, I don’t know why but I instinctively called DD2s name to ask why she hadn’t, she’s not clear so it obviously wasn’t DD2 who left it open! Again this evening someone left their plate on the dining table and I for some reason again called for DD2. DS1 then made a comment like “once the family scapegoat, always the family scapegoat”. I asked what he meant and this turned to all the children and my DH telling me that as teenagers I used to always blame DD2 if something happened or if no one admitted to something. A bad example of this is and I remember this happening pretty well, some of the children were outside and someone threw a rock which ended up cracking my car window. Immediately DS2 told me it was DD2 and she told me it wasn’t her but I remember I punished her anyway. Apparently it was DS1 all along! All the children admitted that they took advantage of my tendency to blame DD2 so would rarely admit to it being them. Apparently DD2 didn’t bother arguing as she knew I wouldn’t listen. DH admits he also thought I used DD2 as a scapegoat but in the absence of evidence of it being someone else he didn’t see the point in interfering as I’d never listen to him anyway. Now admittedly most of these were low level things, similar to this week, like doors being left open or table left uncleared and didn’t result in any real punishment. But all 3 children have admitted to letting DD2 take the blame for bigger things knowing I’d just assume that anyway and DD2 wouldn’t bother to fight.
DD2 and I are still close now, so I assume it’s not left any hard feelings but I feel absolutely awful about it! I have no idea why my instinct was to blame DD2, perhaps a left over of her being the toddler/child who always ran and her generally being more defiant than the others (well I thought she was anyway, now I think I was wrong !)

I feel so awful about this and feel like I owe DD2 an apology but I have no idea how to go about this.
DH says I should just leave it be, she still visits and calls often, clearly has no hard feelings about it and most families probably have one child who ends up getting the blame more than others.

AIBU to feel awful and what should I say to DD?

This is a good point. I was fiercely loyal to my mum, no matter how she behaved, right up until I had my first child and accepted what a fucking awful mother she’d been. I knew it along but didn’t/couldn't admit that. Having your own child and that new kind of love you’ve never felt before for anyone can make you reevaluate things.

And honestly, I agree this sounds like emotional abuse.

I have admitted to my parenting fail but I think a joking comment about DD exposing they all traded blame at time which was not intended to excuse my failures is being taken out of context.
It wasn’t a dig at DD2, I wasn’t annoyed at her I found it funny actually! It wasn’t intended to be bitchy and my children didn’t view it that way.

As I said I feel utterly awful for what I have done to DD2, I’m not sure what else I can say about that, I will apologise profusely properly when she is free to talk properly. I will not make any excuses for my behaviour, it was a massive failure on my part and something I will put the utmost effort into never doing to DD2 again. I know that does not undone the damage I will have already caused.

I adore all my children. DD2 is an incredibly intelligent, funny, beautiful, kind and determined young woman, I could not be any more proud of her and I have always made sure my children know how much I love them and how proud I am of them, DD2 is no exception to that and I would have never intentionally hurt her.

Im not sure what Mumsnet wants me to say to make it clear I do not blame DD, I was not being mean to her with the comment and I genuinely feel awful and will do my utmost to ensure it doesn’t happen again and DD gets the apology she is owed.

I really hope one or two of my children live abroad. They are talking about it fingers crossed they go and learn new experiences.

I was your DD2. I would be delighted to know my mother had even considered her contribution to the relationships I have with the rest of the family. You absolutely DO need to talk to her about it. You also need to understand why you did it.

I can also tell you why she and DD1 had trouble, it's because DD2 looked at her sister and wondered why you couldn't love her the same. It makes sense when it comes to her brothers: for better or for worse gender makes a difference here--but she saw you loving and valuing her sister, and she couldn't have the same.

FWIW, I also live overseas. My mother would also say everything is fine. She doesn't see the hurt every time she makes a decision that favours one of my siblings, or see me counting the days I spend at home because actually, there is only so much I can take.

It’s a serious situation. You have tried to minimise your actions (your disingenuous posts along the lines of “Oh, gosh, was I really abusive?”) and have done your best to blame your daughter for being the constant scapegoat. What an awful atmosphere she must have grown up in. Do you really want to address what you have done? Or do you want to believe that your actions were acceptable? (Hint: they were not.)

Can you please read my most recent reply.

@Fogthefrogfred I was your DD2, in preference to my older sibling. He knew he could get away with most things - or at the very least have things declared 'everyone pack it in' so I would be included in the trouble. My younger sibling was well aware at the time.

I really don't hold it against my dad. In general, we have a lovely family - and there were many many many beautiful things he did for us - and me - that far outweigh it. He is no longer here, but we remained a close family until he died.

We siblings and my mum have spoken about it, only in passing - and quite jovially - so I know they 'knew' (well, my mum didn't) but even though it was shit at the time, and I was extremely angry about a couple of things, it's sort of water under the bridge these days, part of family life. I'm really OK, and I think your DD2 will be too. Don't be too hard on yourself.

If you want to talk to her about it I'd just say it - exactly as you have here. If she's generally close to you I doubt it'll be something that hurts your relationship, only strengthen it.

This is AIBU but you have had it easy on here. Posters are normally abusing the op and it goes on and on until the thread fills up. This is a storm in a tea cup and they know it.

Can I just say, I am not trying to downplay my actions. I take on the responsibility of what I have done. It was cruel and those what said it are right it was emotional abuse. For that I feel awful. I genuinely had no idea until today that this was something I was doing. I will apologise to DD and make sure she has time to discuss her feelings on it. She lives in New York and I can’t financially afford to just take time off work to go visit her right now, and I have my elderly parents to care for but I will make sure I do this over FaceTime as soon as she is free to and up for it. DD will be coming home for Christmas too and we are going to visit her in New York in March so there will be opportunities to do this in person if that’s her preference too.
I will be sure to not pin any of the blame on her as it is very clearly my fault and my fault alone.
I will also look into therapy to get some help in figuring out why I did this as right now I’m not sure why I did it and while that might feel like a lame excuse I’m being totally honest when I say I had no idea and I have no idea why I did it.
My original shock at the term abusive was due to me only just identifying this behaviour, it’s a hard word to read for the first time when it’s pointed out. Now I’m fully aware of the extent of cruelty this was and I am genuinely disgusted in my own actions and while I cannot go back in time and undo them I will make it my priority to not repeat them and to ensure DD has the space to talk about the impact.

I do not mean to be sounding flippant and I am sorry if that is how I am coming across. I’m just processing all of this myself and while I am not owed understanding for that, I’m only human myself.

Why do you keep using the past tense? You are still doing it.

This!

OP, I am that daughter. I too live abroad and have reduced as I get older contact with my family.
I can almost promise based on what you’ve said that she knows it, she is hurt by it and this lingers.
Talk to her. In the end none of us are the good mothers we think we are. My kids a
have made me realise some glaring errors and perspectives that I could barely accept, but now do.

But if DD2 wasn't with you how could she be blamed for the door being open and the plate on the table ?

Yes to the last part! Loads of people still keep in contact with parents who treated them awfully in childhood. It’s very sad. I had a parent I tried to go NC with as well who literally stalked me (it was all about control not because he actually wanted a relationship) and I realised it would have been easy to stay on their good side and not gone fully NC

She is and always has been her mother's scapegoat. So that's where her mind went instantly.

This isn’t a minor thing OP it’s actually horrible to read. It sounds like you picked on her because she was the quiet one (or maybe because she was a girl)?

And your over the top post about feeling SO bad (when you clearly felt no remorse when you were scapegoating her) comes off performative and narcissistic.

I hope this girl doesn’t end up in relationships where she’s belittled and abused as sadly that’s what usually ends up happening with a parent like this.

How did you not notice you were blaming her all the time?

Im sorry that’s not how I’m meaning to come across.

It certainly wasn’t because she was the quiet one (she wasn’t) or because she was a girl (We have DD1 as well she’s not the only girl). I think I’ll have to go therapy to figure out why it was DD2 not the others.

Really think you might be over thinking this. Everyone in your family appears to ve making joke about in a light heated manner? It doesn't appear that you were an ogre all the kids were terrified of or that you've scarred DD2 at all. Have a chat to her and check in, but this feels more like absent mindlessness and teens being teens.

Oh my goodness OP, please do yourself a favour and get off this thread! Half of these posts are ridiculous and no good will come from this type of navel-gazing!

I had a tricky relationship with my mother, still do really - regularly got shouted at when I hadn’t done anything wrong. If my mum tried to have the kind of talk with me today that people are recommending here I swear I would die of embarrassment or “cringe” as my DS would say.

Honestly it was what it was - what’s the point in raking up the past? All I can do is try not to make those mistakes with my own DC - but I probably make different mistakes. Because, shocker, parents are flawed human being and make don’t always get it right. It’s not that deep.

Maybe save the cash from therapy for you to invest in the visit to her you said you couldn't afford? It might help demonstrate that she's the priority in this rather than your feelings. You do come across as thinking your feelings of guilt are more overwhelming than the impact it's had on her. I'm not sure I agree that her moving far away from the centre of blame is unrelated. The fact she never addressed this with you as an adult also undermines your claim you are close. I hope that your acknowledgment of unfair treatment helps you both though. It's a brave thing to admit you're wrong and try to address it.

Talk to her by herself, I think her Father should also apologise for spotting it and keeping quiet, thats almost as bad.

But whether it has been a major or minor influence on her life is entirely her call, not yours, not her siblings or her Fathers and certainly, not MumsNetters, so talk to her, listen, accept and move on.

Read up on labeling theory.

I’d love to go and visit her but it’s not just an actual cash situation it’s also annual leave, caring responsibilities and the reality that even one week in New York when you add up accommodation, flights, unpaid leave and paying for carers for my parents would be significantly more expensive than therapy which I can pay for gradually over time without having to also pay for care and taking unpaid leave. It’s not as simple as you make it sound.

I'd suggest that you read ...

"Thinking of moving to the Costa Brava with my youngest – older teens may stay behind. What would you do?"

and then judge!