To feel like an awful mother now

[Fogthefrogfred]

I’m sure I’m going to be told I’m not unreasonable so can I also get some advice on how to talk to DD2 about this.

I have 4DC they are all adults now DD1 is 27, DD2 is 25, DS1 is 24 and DS2 is 22. They are all happy, accomplished young adults and I’ve never really doubted my parenting until now.

This week myself, my DH, DD1 and both boys are on holiday together. DD2 lives abroad, has a boyfriend and a whole life of her own so didn’t join us.

Yesterday after we arrived someone left the front door open, I don’t know why but I instinctively called DD2s name to ask why she hadn’t, she’s not clear so it obviously wasn’t DD2 who left it open! Again this evening someone left their plate on the dining table and I for some reason again called for DD2. DS1 then made a comment like “once the family scapegoat, always the family scapegoat”. I asked what he meant and this turned to all the children and my DH telling me that as teenagers I used to always blame DD2 if something happened or if no one admitted to something. A bad example of this is and I remember this happening pretty well, some of the children were outside and someone threw a rock which ended up cracking my car window. Immediately DS2 told me it was DD2 and she told me it wasn’t her but I remember I punished her anyway. Apparently it was DS1 all along! All the children admitted that they took advantage of my tendency to blame DD2 so would rarely admit to it being them. Apparently DD2 didn’t bother arguing as she knew I wouldn’t listen. DH admits he also thought I used DD2 as a scapegoat but in the absence of evidence of it being someone else he didn’t see the point in interfering as I’d never listen to him anyway. Now admittedly most of these were low level things, similar to this week, like doors being left open or table left uncleared and didn’t result in any real punishment. But all 3 children have admitted to letting DD2 take the blame for bigger things knowing I’d just assume that anyway and DD2 wouldn’t bother to fight.
DD2 and I are still close now, so I assume it’s not left any hard feelings but I feel absolutely awful about it! I have no idea why my instinct was to blame DD2, perhaps a left over of her being the toddler/child who always ran and her generally being more defiant than the others (well I thought she was anyway, now I think I was wrong !)

I feel so awful about this and feel like I owe DD2 an apology but I have no idea how to go about this.
DH says I should just leave it be, she still visits and calls often, clearly has no hard feelings about it and most families probably have one child who ends up getting the blame more than others.

AIBU to feel awful and what should I say to DD?

It is more as well why didn’t she fight back, argue with you. She took it every last bit without complaint

i also think you need to look into you don’t know your daughter at all

it is human nature to place people into boxes (happens in school environments all the time) and she became your problem child a label you have never shifted and still see now. You have mentioned her as a toddler twice yet we are often nothing like ourselves as toddlers yet to you she still is

This is post has really hit me hard. I’m so glad you can see it now, a lot of parents would be in denial. It’s so incredibly sad that this was her life, you have been incredibly cruel, without meaning to. The fact that your other children refer to her as the ‘scape goat’ openly must mean they have tried to bring it up before?

apologise and apologise again. Tell her like you told us (possibly without the victim blaming of ‘you never complained’ because you conditioned her not to).

Try and build a new healthy relationship going forward. It’s good to see you accepting fault and trying to make it better.

Yes I would 100% class it as emotional abuse and actually the fact you blamed her for so much lead to her siblings and father also blaming her and allowing you to punish her for everything is abusive

I think it depended on if she would fight back or not. She did fight back if the punishment was likely to be harsh, I recall this quite well. But rarely over the smaller things or things where there was no reliable way to figure out who did it. Having spoke to my other children more, it seems she was more likely to fight back if DD1 was the true culprit but less so if it were her brothers. To this day she and DD1 aren’t close but she and DS1 are so I’m unsure if that played a part.

Anyway regardless of why I did it, it’s not okay, it’s inexcusable and it’s something I need to apologise for profusely and stop doing immediately!

OP it’s clear you are gutted over this and want to make amends. I don’t think you deserve the absolute lashing you’re getting here (although it’s MN, so not surprised!). Abuse is such a strong word and not at all applicable to your situation I think.
I would bring this up with your daughter. Have an open, honest conversation. Listen to her. Be receptive and take accountability. She may have a lot to say, she may genuinely not really care, but I think acknowledging it and apologising will go a long way in any case.
good luck, and don’t be too hard on yourself 💐

I do respect how genuinely regretful you sound OP and how committed you are to stop.

You may have to really listen to the impact it's had on dd's life.

You actually do sound like a lovely mum because you have realised that it was wrong and that will make a difference

I feel very sad for your daughter, I think you need to speak to her about it, she's probably carried this into her adulthood if her siblings are so aware of the dynamic at the time.

I’m sure it wasn’t intentional but this would totally feel like being picked on alll the time and be really hurtful.
I think you should either physically make the effort to go and see her face to face so you can talk it through, make a massive apology and show her / demonstrate by going to see her how much you love her and are sorry

Also can I just clarify there are only a handful of times where she was punished for these actions she didn’t do! I know that doesn’t make it better at all but she wasn’t persistently grounded (infact I’d say she was grounded less than her siblings over all) but she was just getting a lot of “DD you’ve left your plate on the table clear it” or “DD you’ve left these games/pencils laying out”.
Other than the rock situation, DD1 has admitted that the cigarettes I found when they were 16/18 were hers (strangely dd2 now smokes occasionally and DD1 doesn’t) and DS1 has admitted that he broke the glass vase I inherited from my grandmother (though has now said it’s still DD2s fault as she ducked and the ball he was throwing at her hit it, but I think he’s just joking with that).
These did result in punishments but most of the low level stuff didn’t.

I know that doesn’t make it better but I just wanted to clear up that she didn’t spend her entire teen life grounded for actions she didn’t do!

Yeah sorry, you sound like a shit parent.

This is absolutely awful! What a miserable childhood to have been the family scapegoat.

Therapy would be beneficial to explore your behaviour.

Yes you owe her a massive apology and also dont tell her she was easy to blame because you made assumptions based on her being the " naughty toddler" own up to your mistakes and learn from them.

The main thing to work on is changing how you respond in these scenarios . Always ask "who has left the door open" , and never say " DS2 did you leave the door open"?

Emotional abuse? Hardly.

I don’t really buy all this talk from grown adults about how parents should “admit” to mistakes in the past and apologise for them. I’m obviously not talking about wilful abuse or neglect here.

Humans make mistakes. Parents fuck up. Let it go and move on, learn from it and use those lessons when/if you’re a parent yourself. And I say all this as someone who can clearly see how my mum got it wrong so often with me! Not that I don’t feel angry or sad or resentful about it sometimes but it is what it is, she did her best with the resources she had available to her and through the lens of her own experiences and her own stuff that she was dealing with.

Sorry, to return to the actual question in the OP, I think for yourself maybe a conversation with DD2 could be healing, probably for her too, but don’t be condemning yourself for it. I have 6 of my own and while I know I do
my absolute best I’m certain I make mistakes along the way!

I was the family scapegoat and to be honest a lot worse than this and I have a great relationship with both my parents now. It actually improved after I had kids as I realised how hard parenting is and how we all make mistakes. She did apologise in later life but I’m not one to linger on something or hold a grudge .. I prefer to move on and I definitely didn’t require therapy. The sibling in question also apologised in later life which I appreciated. I would do as others have suggested and apologise profusely and don’t do it again.

Interesting that dd2 is the one who didn't come on this holiday because 'she lives abroad and has her own life'. I'm guessing she got a bit fed up with being the family scapegoat and realised the only way to stop it was to remove herself from the vicinity.

I think you should probably apologise. Otherwise it's an elephant in the room (and she's clearly avoiding the room).

Yes, definitely speak to your DD. You have to put this right. Would you have the opportunity to spend time with her in person? Tell her that you're so sorry and this is a reflection on you not her. That she's wonderful and loved and you're proud of her.

She must be a remarkable and gracious woman to have a great relationship with you despite that.

At least you see it now op. Address it and move forward.

I do wonder why she didn't stand her ground against the brothers as much as her sister. Did she feel trying to blame them would be a waste of time? I say I wonder but its not my business.

Good luck op. I'm sure you feel absolutely gutted to realise this.

I really don’t think the 2 are related! DS2 skipped out the last 2 years, DD1 skipped last year. She’s just moved from France to New York so it’s not quite as close as it was before and she’s settling in.
DD2 and I are genuinely really close and have been basically since she was a baby! As teens it was always DS1 and DD2 with me, DD1 and DS2 with DH (on flights, if we were staying in two hotel rooms etc.) she certainly didn’t get any less love than the others and we have the most in common now.

I think with her sister it was that they for about 6 years couldn’t stand the sight of each other (they are closer now) but from DD1 being 12 until she moved out at 18 they genuinely fought like cat and dog.
Where as DD2 and DS1 played tennis together, had overlap in friends and to this day would call the other their best friend. DD2 frequently tells us when she gets married he will be her “man of honour” and DD1 is demoted to regular bridesmaid!

We have lots of these family dynamics and I 100% think you should address it. Find some time you can both be alone, have a nice day together, but bring it up really early, so there's time for a bust up if she wants to raise anything but you've time to reconnect straight away.

Be honest that you weren't aware, but now it's clear you must have been blaming her for things she hadn't done. You'll be working hard to address it, but you hope that if she ever feels it happening again she can call it out and you'll listen.

I would also ask yourself why your husband says you wouldn't listen to him either - are you generally given to having to be right? It sounds like he gave up too. DD2 got scapegoated and unfairly punished, went from being a 'defiant' toddler to someone willing to take a punishment on behalf of her siblings, quite the opposite to defiant. Your entire family owe her an apology, her dad for not sticking up for her, her siblings for letting her take the rap for them, and you for scapegoating her.

Ah ok, that makes sense, thanks. Sweet relationship.

Good luck with the conversation. It sounds like you do have a good relationship but it's definitely worth bringing up and apologising in case its something that has stayed with her.

I would follow her lead on how 'serious' the conversation gets. If she has felt a certain way about it you don't want to downplay it but at the same time you don't want to go in all heavy if that's not something she'd appreciate or be prepared for.

I think if you've got a good relationship then you should have an open and sincere conversation. You can't undo the past, but looking at the positive, you've had the mirror held up to your face and you've not looked away, you've listened and taken accountability. The thing you need work on is that 'I didn't realise' or 'I didn't mean to' do not excuse it happening. So I wouldn't lead with that, in fact I'd try and avoid anything that could sound like an excuse or minimising it. Certainly don't say anything about her not pushing back, that sounds like you're blaming her.

It's never too late to grow and do better. Realising your behaviour now is better than realising in 10 years or never at all. Focus on repair and mindfully changing how you behave towards your daughter. Words go a long way, but it's actions that show you mean them.

Well DS1 FaceTimed DD2 just there and mentioned it all to her, I apologised (but I will have a proper conversation with her about it when we both have actual time for it).

DD2 did throw everyone under the bus though and told me they used to make truces on who would take the blame for what so she told me she took the blame for the broken X-box so her brother could still go to a party but the next month he took the blame for her stealing a bottle of vodka so she could go to a party! Sneaky teens!!

She seemed to just joke about it and said now that it’s in the open she expects to be treated like a queen come Christmas and won’t be touching a single plate! I appreciate she might just be joking as the whole family were present so I will still have a proper conversation with her.

Therapist here 👋. I see this dynamic play out with some of my clients and it can be really impactful on the child. I think it’s important that you are acknowledging your mistakes and owning it. I think therapy could be a good place to explore this in more depth as I think there may be lots of self reflection to be had.
I do think as part of a reparative approach you should have a talk with your child where you apologise but ultimately it needs not to be about “you” but about her feelings. Perhaps you could show an interest in the effect it’s had on her and listen to her and allow her to voice her experience. Really listen to her.
I don’t think you are a “bad mother” at all. You are owning it now and trying to do the right thing. Good luck 🙂