To feel like an awful mother now

[Fogthefrogfred]

I’m sure I’m going to be told I’m not unreasonable so can I also get some advice on how to talk to DD2 about this.

I have 4DC they are all adults now DD1 is 27, DD2 is 25, DS1 is 24 and DS2 is 22. They are all happy, accomplished young adults and I’ve never really doubted my parenting until now.

This week myself, my DH, DD1 and both boys are on holiday together. DD2 lives abroad, has a boyfriend and a whole life of her own so didn’t join us.

Yesterday after we arrived someone left the front door open, I don’t know why but I instinctively called DD2s name to ask why she hadn’t, she’s not clear so it obviously wasn’t DD2 who left it open! Again this evening someone left their plate on the dining table and I for some reason again called for DD2. DS1 then made a comment like “once the family scapegoat, always the family scapegoat”. I asked what he meant and this turned to all the children and my DH telling me that as teenagers I used to always blame DD2 if something happened or if no one admitted to something. A bad example of this is and I remember this happening pretty well, some of the children were outside and someone threw a rock which ended up cracking my car window. Immediately DS2 told me it was DD2 and she told me it wasn’t her but I remember I punished her anyway. Apparently it was DS1 all along! All the children admitted that they took advantage of my tendency to blame DD2 so would rarely admit to it being them. Apparently DD2 didn’t bother arguing as she knew I wouldn’t listen. DH admits he also thought I used DD2 as a scapegoat but in the absence of evidence of it being someone else he didn’t see the point in interfering as I’d never listen to him anyway. Now admittedly most of these were low level things, similar to this week, like doors being left open or table left uncleared and didn’t result in any real punishment. But all 3 children have admitted to letting DD2 take the blame for bigger things knowing I’d just assume that anyway and DD2 wouldn’t bother to fight.
DD2 and I are still close now, so I assume it’s not left any hard feelings but I feel absolutely awful about it! I have no idea why my instinct was to blame DD2, perhaps a left over of her being the toddler/child who always ran and her generally being more defiant than the others (well I thought she was anyway, now I think I was wrong !)

I feel so awful about this and feel like I owe DD2 an apology but I have no idea how to go about this.
DH says I should just leave it be, she still visits and calls often, clearly has no hard feelings about it and most families probably have one child who ends up getting the blame more than others.

AIBU to feel awful and what should I say to DD?

She is. When it was brought up, she used humour. I do that when I don't want an uncomfortable conversation and it lightens the atmosphere.

Sometimes you don't get to do the navel gazing thing and clear the air. Some things from our past get locked up tight and nothing will open it again.

Well spotted. The irony!

I agree with this.

I just want to update.

DD and I had a really long heart to heart tonight.
She was honest and said it sometimes bothered her (these were her words), I apologised without putting any blame on her etc.
DD was pretty open with me and said it didn’t bother her as much as it could have as while she was the scapegoat for those things, there were things we’d never blame her for but would her siblings so she felt over all it balanced out. She also said she knew her siblings were exploiting it but didn’t really care as she did the same to them with other things. She also told me that when she thinks of her teen years that it doesn’t make the top 5 things she remembers us for but rather recalls us being supportive of her dreams, always there when she needed us and making her feel loved. She then told me that I shouldn’t overthink it as it doesn’t bother her. She said she was appreciative of me apologising.

The call ended with us just making plans for Christmas and chatting about life etc.

I know her response may change when she has her own children or at anytime and I still plan to work on myself and figuring out why and will make sure I don’t do it again.

It is reasonable to consider that she might have chosen to live aboard because of how she feels about her place in the family. You all owe her an apology

“DD2 lives abroad, has a boyfriend and a whole life of her own so didn’t join”

I would bring it up.

I’ve been in your DS permission and my mum will never acknowledge that she had a clear favourite. Even now as an adult, when something happens, it’s my fault. I would rather she acknowledged it, and if you do slip up at least you can tell her that you won’t be offended if she calls you up on it.

Have a heart to heart. Tell her about the magician story when she was a baby - and apologise.

Change is hard but at least you are willing to acknowledge

I think it’s great you had a positive conversation.

Just be mindful that sometimes even adult children can say what we want them to say/ what they want to be true.

She could be happy as Larry or she could not be. I’d personally keep a watching brief over this whole area, so not chalking it up to experience and shutting it down, and yet not wallowing in it and giving it more significance than it actually might deserve.

Your kids are fortunate you are still closely involved in, and thinking about their emotional needs, even though they are now adults. That counts for a lot actually.

She's right you're overthinking the whole thing. I have 4 children as well it's not easy. My favourite time when there is trouble is when they all say it wasn't me, no one done it, and then you have to guess who. No one wants to own up for why there is a pink stain on the white carpet.

You're a good mum. Like I said she told you some stories of how she got away with stuff. Show her this thread she'll think you're mad for buying into it. The only validation you need is from your family not strangers online. You was going to talk to your daughter anyway about it. The posts on here are terrible they had you believe you needed therapy and you're an abuser wtf.

Your kids told you why she didn’t fight when you accused her: there was no point.

I would class it a form of emotional abuse, even if you say it was unintentional.

I have no contact with my mother, but before that point, I still saw her and acted like we got on. I was still desperate to have a normal relationship with her.

You need to call her and apologise . Write some notes if you need. As others have said ,it may not come out now but if she has her own kids, it will. It did with me.

I think you're beating yourself up perhaps a little too much, even though it's a bad thing to have to face up to, you are more remorseful than many people might be.

I would simply tell her how you're feeling and apologise. You don't need to get her anything (that might be a bit insulting - like buying her love?) but I'm sure an honest admission of being wrong will help repair any cracks. You could ask her to share her feelings in case she wants to get anything off her chest.

@Fogthefrogfred
You and your family sound pretty normal to me!
Typical kids stuff of sharing/ passing the blame, pulling wool over parents eyes. All normal. In the midst of this you’ve realised that you were slightly biased ( obviously not as much as you feared as your dd bears no major grudges) , and you’ve apologised. All you can do is learn…. watch your own behaviours ……. but continue to love and support your family as you clearly have been doing.
Dont overthink think this, learn and move on.

I should have RTFT. Glad you sorted it and I just want to say that your family dynamic and the way you've expressed that in this thread sounds very normal to me; you don't come across as a narcissist (what narcissist would ever feel remorse in this way?) and it's not performative to me - just a normally measured and loving person in genuine shock at their unconscious, biased self.

I don't know why some people are attacking you so much; you know you did wrong and as I say, that's lots more than others might admit to. I don't know know if you need therapy, but obviously go for it if you'd like.

Honestly sounds postive from her you can't change the past can only move forward and she seems okay with trying. Now it's making sure you don't fall into the same pattern again.

Sounds like you still treat your children like kids. Why does it matter who left the door open? Why do you need to call out anyone? Do you mean ‘unlocked’ or ‘wide open’. The former would not be worthy of comment except at night, the latter just a breezy ‘someone left the front door open. Can you remember to shut it’ if I bothered to mention it at all. Being picked up on every little thing is draining. Even if the front door was left wide open it’s clearly a mistake. No one intended to do so why does any need to be blamed?

I see you’ve had a good chat with DD2, you sound very open to considering your parenting from the perspectives of others, which is great. I’m not surprised your DD says it was fine and she was cool with it, and other siblings faced different (or even the same) issues, but you can’t deny what has been revealed to you here about your own urge to blame her. I really want to emphasise that despite her accounting for her feelings in this way just now, that will very likely change.

In my teens and twenties, I would absolutely have described my parents as almost perfect - I would have excused away or downplayed any problems or criticism. Having my own children in my late twenties and thirties, hitting the challenges of parenting and watching them as grandparents has massively changed my perspective on my childhood and how I was treated. Friends have also commented on treatment I received, completely unprompted by me (I wouldn’t criticise my parents to friends even now). I am now in my forties and new facets of this are still being revealed to me as my children begin their teen years.

Ask yourself who's going to be the one to close that door. Who's going to be the one to put the plate away. Picking up after everyone else is draining too - why shouldn't she pull others up on it? I should imagine if they're being thoughtless and leaving 'little things' to someone else (their mum) then the breezy comments are falling on deaf ears.

Essentially what you're saying is just do it yourself, smile, and don't be a nag. Same old narrative as ever.

Apologize in a lighthearted way!!You must be joking. She hasnt made one mistake which can be dismissed. Yes parents all mske mistakes but what she had done and is still doing,is very serious. You cant preyend it is a light hearyed matter. It isnt!!!

Me too, everything was my fault. Youngest of 3 boys here.

Say “Sorry I twice blamed you for doing stuff even though you aren’t on the holiday we’re all on without you”?!

It's so telling that she is the one who couldn't make the get together. But even when she's not there, you blamed her. In your situation, I would visit her, ask for a chat, take her out for a drink and explain that you have recently realised you had scapegoated her for years within the family, that you are very sorry and want to apologise face to face, promise you will never do this again and ask if it has affected or upset her in any way that she might want to share with you.

The ops daughter sounds very mature compared to some of these posters. You're creating drama that isn't there. I don't get your outrage. I hope the op does show her daughter this thread and show how dramatic people can be. She'll get a lot of laughs. Her daughter will probably ask her about her mental health if she's come on here to ask a bunch of lunatics looking for drama for advice.

I agree with you. I was that person in my mother’s life. It wasn’t easy but I wasn’t there for her in the end and I know she wanted me to be. Sometimes it just gets too deep. I don’t regret not being there and I should but I don’t. Too little too late as they say.

I hope so. That would be the best outcome

mmm so glad you talked to her about it. It shows your very open about your faults and are more than willing to fix them. Hoping you love and light in your life and maybe try to make some special moments with her in your future. Go visit and hang out with her and shop and have fun

You did what you could. Anyone saying otherwise has no idea (I am saying this as the child of a victimised child).