To feel like an awful mother now

[Fogthefrogfred]

I’m sure I’m going to be told I’m not unreasonable so can I also get some advice on how to talk to DD2 about this.

I have 4DC they are all adults now DD1 is 27, DD2 is 25, DS1 is 24 and DS2 is 22. They are all happy, accomplished young adults and I’ve never really doubted my parenting until now.

This week myself, my DH, DD1 and both boys are on holiday together. DD2 lives abroad, has a boyfriend and a whole life of her own so didn’t join us.

Yesterday after we arrived someone left the front door open, I don’t know why but I instinctively called DD2s name to ask why she hadn’t, she’s not clear so it obviously wasn’t DD2 who left it open! Again this evening someone left their plate on the dining table and I for some reason again called for DD2. DS1 then made a comment like “once the family scapegoat, always the family scapegoat”. I asked what he meant and this turned to all the children and my DH telling me that as teenagers I used to always blame DD2 if something happened or if no one admitted to something. A bad example of this is and I remember this happening pretty well, some of the children were outside and someone threw a rock which ended up cracking my car window. Immediately DS2 told me it was DD2 and she told me it wasn’t her but I remember I punished her anyway. Apparently it was DS1 all along! All the children admitted that they took advantage of my tendency to blame DD2 so would rarely admit to it being them. Apparently DD2 didn’t bother arguing as she knew I wouldn’t listen. DH admits he also thought I used DD2 as a scapegoat but in the absence of evidence of it being someone else he didn’t see the point in interfering as I’d never listen to him anyway. Now admittedly most of these were low level things, similar to this week, like doors being left open or table left uncleared and didn’t result in any real punishment. But all 3 children have admitted to letting DD2 take the blame for bigger things knowing I’d just assume that anyway and DD2 wouldn’t bother to fight.
DD2 and I are still close now, so I assume it’s not left any hard feelings but I feel absolutely awful about it! I have no idea why my instinct was to blame DD2, perhaps a left over of her being the toddler/child who always ran and her generally being more defiant than the others (well I thought she was anyway, now I think I was wrong !)

I feel so awful about this and feel like I owe DD2 an apology but I have no idea how to go about this.
DH says I should just leave it be, she still visits and calls often, clearly has no hard feelings about it and most families probably have one child who ends up getting the blame more than others.

AIBU to feel awful and what should I say to DD?

Well you wouldn’t think they were related, you’ve spent decades not realising you were making your child the family scapegoat. Previous posters saying this isn’t emotional abuse are wrong - it absolutely is. I feel sad for your DD. Not sure how you could fix this, tbf.

@Fogthefrogfred i do not buy that you did not know what you were doing in blaming one child. You show that in your responses.

it is not enough to apologise and say you will not do it again.

you need to get some counselling to find out why you are cruel to your female child. Before you can even begin to undo what you have done to her.

As you can probably guess i am the recipient of this type of cruelty

i am only glad that you have posted here so do something meaningful about it

I would say don’t bother with apologies just now: get some therapy to find out and understand why you did what you did.

Also, don’t let your DH wimp out by saying he only did it bevause you did. He was an adult and if he disagreed he should bloody well have pulled you and the other kids up on it at the time.

DD2 sounds like a good egg. Really good natured and good humoured.

OP, I'll start out by giving you credit for not going into full-on denial and victim mode. Many parents would have.

Your DH (who sounds like he's a conflict-averse person) is wrong to tell you to leave it. First, it is not reasonable to assume that because a 25-year-old has a relationship without visible drama with their parents that they don't have lingering hurts or that this isn't affecting them; most people are incredibly reluctant to break with their parents even in the presence of a great deal of hurt and a child who has been taught to see themselves as not liked and scapegoated will often rather desperately try to be the child who never "causes trouble" even into adulthood. Second, you did do something that was certainly extremely hurtful to someone you love and should apologize for you actions regardless of whether they're demanding an apology. And the comment above about parents not owing apologies for unintentional hurts is low-character bullshit. An absence of malice does not mean we don't need to apologize when we wrong someone.

Tell her what you've realized and apologize sincerely. Don't raise the "you didn't fight back" line of discussion. Tell her you will make a conscious effort to break the habit and ask her to let her know if she feels scapegoated in the future. Tell her in plain words (don't love-bomb, but say it aloud to her) that you love her and are proud of her. Then let her talk (if she wants to - she doesn't owe you a response or any vulnerability) and don't get defensive.

Your DH and other children also owe her an apology, but that's not for you to manage.

P.S. Your children are grown adults. When you come across a door accidentally left open on vacation just close it as you walk past - you don't need to know who it was or tell them that doors are supposed to be closed. If a plate is left on the table either kindly clear it (perfectly reasonable if it's an occasional thing and everyone is generally contributing) or shout "whoever left their plate on the table make sure to clean it up before bed" and move on. People don't need to be taken to task and singled out for every imperfection.

The dynamics in the whole family sound quite dreadful TBH. Your DH who passively accepted the scapegoating of DD2, the siblings who lied and manipulated situations so that she would be blamed. It all sounds utterly toxic.

As PPs have said, you really should offer a sincere apology without any justifications or excuses for your behaviour. Just an apology, a recognition of the harm you have done, and a promise to do better. I think your DH and other children should apologise to her as well. Poor girl. She must have felt so alone.

Don’t listen to DH, you really have to address it. You should just straight away have called her and been like ‘OMG DD2 I cannot believe the conversation I’ve just had…… I’m really sorry that I didn’t notice this pattern, I owe you a huge apology’. Just get it out and give her chance to talk about it for once - she clearly doesn’t feel able to raise it. Brushing things under the carpet just leads to a toxic stench!

I think tell her what youve written here pretty much - apologise and give her a big hug. Xx

It does seem bizarre you weren't aware until now, that your DH never said anything and even now considers there'd be no point apologising to DD2. Basically, the whole family were in on this and DD2's siblings used your "tendency" to blame DD2 to have an easy life at her expense. Your DH still thinks this is trivial, even though her whole family ganged up on her, repeatedly. No wonder she has "a whole life of her own", hopefully with people who appreciate her and treat her with the love and respect she deserves.

I don't think any of you come out well in this, apart from DD2. Your DH wasn't too fussed, was he, or he would have had a very frank discussion with you and stepped in to defend his DD. Your other three learned how to manipulate situations to their advantage as you both gave them the green light. At least they've pointed it out to you so I hope they don't repeat it with their own children.

It's good that you're trying to make amends now but I think the whole family needs a reality check.

@ZebraPyjamas you nailed it, and your experience is very similar to mine. My parents made some pretty massive and damaging errors, but also did a lot of stuff right.

Much more helpful to try and understand why it all happened as it did, and keep the lines of communication open.

I do think this expectation of being a perfect, nurturing emotionally switched-on parent is incredibly harmful: humans are fallible. And women/ mums are held to FAR higher standards than men/ dads.

I understand how you must be feeling but it's not just you is it? If your DH thought you singled out DD2 why didn't he say something at the time? Your children should also take accountability.

Please initiate a conversation with her for her sake rather than yours. Apologise with no nuts.

I think your dd2 is on your mind because she’s the only family member missing, so her name if the first one you think of. I do this all the time; my children know who I’ve been thinking (or worrying) about depending on whose name they get called. I also have four dc, mostly adult.

Relax and enjoy your family holiday.

If she has her own kids she may find bringing then up brings back a lot of memories and she may become less forgiving then.

You are minimising your own behaviour. “ thinking you just had developed a family dynamic” a family dynamic just blaming one child isn’t good enough. I love my mum and siblings but I don’t half feel the scapegoat and resentment. In the first message you said you’d blame her and she wouldn’t put up a fight and in this one said you’d blame her and she’d clean someone else’s mess so you just automatically assumed it was her. Sort your head out and start treating your daughter better. You’re so ignorant to it and stop minimising

I wouldn't take it too seriously. It must have been annoying for your dd to be the scapegoat but she knew who the real culprits were. Take her out for lunch and talk to her about it and laugh it off together she'll probably tell you some stories.

You're still treating them like children I think.

Instead of calling out an individual. Just say can someone please shut the front door unless you're closest.

If there's a plate left on the table carry it through to the kitchen yourself.

They're adult guests now, treat them as such.

And listen to your husband more.

I don't see why anyone is saying to not address it. If you apologise and she isn't bothered, it does no harm, but if she is bothered, it can make a world of difference.
I'm wondering about your update though - you apologised over a video call but it was DD1 who made the call? Did you ask/she offer or did she just take it upon herself to call DD2 and say "hey, we've just been talking about you!"? And having said all that you've noticed about your behaviour to DD2, you then describe her as "throwing all her siblings under the bus"?? Isn't she just balancing out what was thought about her in the past and clarifying the situation? If you still think of that as her being in the wrong somehow, it's worth further reflection.

If I was you go to their house and leave plates around and doors open. Kick your shoes off and throw your coat on the floor. Use all the toilet paper and squirt out the soap as much as you can. Drink the orange juice and leave a drop in the bottle and put it back in the fridge hahaha 😈

Jesus I know you feel shit - but she was your child. You let her siblings lie about her. You believed the lies without curiousity. The dynamic served you all well.

If I were you I’d beg for her forgiveness and say ‘I’m so sorry I didn’t trust you, I put your siblings before you and I haven’t cared for you in the way you deserve.’

‘I want to do better. I’ll start individual therapy. I’ll do whatever it takes to earn your trust’.

Anything less and you’re an abuser.

The fact you have noticed it is amazing in itself. Apologise - explain you feel this way and let it lie. If she wants a conversation you have offered her a place to chat about it. That’s says alot about you

As you sow you will reap.

You created these humans with no care for their emotional wellbeing. Yuk.

Tell her, I read Roddy Doyles book about his Mum and Dad and during a weird powercut sent my Mum and Dad a daft list of questions ...my Mum replied harrumphing I'd sent an sae ("don't you think we can afford a stamp!"..typical stern Mum)...but in the letter said and my Mum is not a swearing person " I was a bitch to you" ...by then I was older knew she was working full time, carrying all the mental load and an abusive husband my Dad...I understood my childhood, being blamed for things as the eldest..when I was the quieter self contained child...but her sharing her regrets ...healed something for us both. Tell her and tell her how you link it maybe to her running and spirit...because those things show a lovely character ❤️ and your admiration for her

How self centered

Op, I see this differently than a lot of posters, in that I think often we get stuck in a particular dynamic with each child and that it becomes habitual to be a certain way with them. I think it's very unlikely that it was all bad with DD2 if she seems happy and you have a good relationship now. Equally, there were the bad parts and it's good this has been brought to your attention and you can directly address it and repair it now.

I stuffed up with both my children in different ways. I did not know how to handle conflict as we moved into the teen years and there was way too much shouting and flaring up, quite extreme at times. I felt overwhelmed often, and although I could justify it in that I had far too much to cope with, it doesn't mean I handled it well or that it wasn't damaging for my children. I've talked with them about it and said that I'm sorry I wasn't a better mum at those times. I think they forgive me, but it isn't forgotten, I haven't forgotten it and I hope they don't forget it and if they ever find themselves that out of control, they can get more help and support and break that pattern in a way I wasn't able to.

As one of my wiser than me daughters once said to me, I realise now mum that this is your first time parenting on this planet, and that's the truth of it. We stumble around, and are often emotionally ill-equipped to do so. There aren't amazing parents who do everything right, I have a wonderful mum who has been my rock in life and who I adore, but I'm realistic she's a human and has occasionally done things that mumsnet might call abusive (the odd smack, stayed with someone with problems) but I don't see it like that at all, she provided love and consistency and care in so many ways that I don't dwell on her lapses, as I hope my children aren't going to dwell on mine - but if they do, I will take it on the chin as we all lapse from time to time and you do just have to own up to it really, which it sounds like you are doing.