To feel like an awful mother now

[Fogthefrogfred]

I’m sure I’m going to be told I’m not unreasonable so can I also get some advice on how to talk to DD2 about this.

I have 4DC they are all adults now DD1 is 27, DD2 is 25, DS1 is 24 and DS2 is 22. They are all happy, accomplished young adults and I’ve never really doubted my parenting until now.

This week myself, my DH, DD1 and both boys are on holiday together. DD2 lives abroad, has a boyfriend and a whole life of her own so didn’t join us.

Yesterday after we arrived someone left the front door open, I don’t know why but I instinctively called DD2s name to ask why she hadn’t, she’s not clear so it obviously wasn’t DD2 who left it open! Again this evening someone left their plate on the dining table and I for some reason again called for DD2. DS1 then made a comment like “once the family scapegoat, always the family scapegoat”. I asked what he meant and this turned to all the children and my DH telling me that as teenagers I used to always blame DD2 if something happened or if no one admitted to something. A bad example of this is and I remember this happening pretty well, some of the children were outside and someone threw a rock which ended up cracking my car window. Immediately DS2 told me it was DD2 and she told me it wasn’t her but I remember I punished her anyway. Apparently it was DS1 all along! All the children admitted that they took advantage of my tendency to blame DD2 so would rarely admit to it being them. Apparently DD2 didn’t bother arguing as she knew I wouldn’t listen. DH admits he also thought I used DD2 as a scapegoat but in the absence of evidence of it being someone else he didn’t see the point in interfering as I’d never listen to him anyway. Now admittedly most of these were low level things, similar to this week, like doors being left open or table left uncleared and didn’t result in any real punishment. But all 3 children have admitted to letting DD2 take the blame for bigger things knowing I’d just assume that anyway and DD2 wouldn’t bother to fight.
DD2 and I are still close now, so I assume it’s not left any hard feelings but I feel absolutely awful about it! I have no idea why my instinct was to blame DD2, perhaps a left over of her being the toddler/child who always ran and her generally being more defiant than the others (well I thought she was anyway, now I think I was wrong !)

I feel so awful about this and feel like I owe DD2 an apology but I have no idea how to go about this.
DH says I should just leave it be, she still visits and calls often, clearly has no hard feelings about it and most families probably have one child who ends up getting the blame more than others.

AIBU to feel awful and what should I say to DD?

About approaching DD2, next time you speak to her, you might tell her you started blaming her for the open door when you were on this holiday . Then tell her that it reminded you of constantly blaming her as a child, and you are truly sorry and can hardly believe you were so unfair. Then leave it, don’t question her but listen carefully to anything she says
about how it felt to her. Above all don’t try to defend yourself and don’t imply that her siblings were also to blame - they were taking their lead from you. Good luck.

So you dont think it is serious ,being blamed for everything even if she isnthere?
Maybe you should have another look at posts from people who have been treated in the same way.
They all ,without exception,feel it has caused problems.
This is not a one off. It is a consistent pattern of behaviour.

You might want to read that again. You’re blaming your daughter here for making you think that it was her plate, but your daughter is not responsible for your assumptions.
Imagine being that tired of even trying to make your mum believe you, that you just do whatever else instead for some peace.

If your husband and your daughter both think that arguing with you doesn’t help anything as you wouldn’t listen or wouldn’t believe, that is the thing I would be most scared of. Two of the five Most important people in your life don’t think you will listen to them. What else have they not brought to your attention because they think you won’t listen? What else have you missed?

Her daughter sounds lovely and well adjusted. She is living her best life. She wants to spend Christmas with her family. Stop digging for controversy it's not a good look. The op's family was ribbing her and her daughter said she got away with stuff as well. The only time she spoke up was when her sister done it. I hope she does show her family this thread she'll get the piss taken out of her even more this Christmas. My whole family takes the piss out of me for going on Mumsnet.

What they will see even after op last post women are still digging at her. The thread is full of stereotypical drama. Try and wish the op and her daughter good luck and happiness in the future. Step out of your comfort zone.