To feel like an awful mother now

[Fogthefrogfred]

I’m sure I’m going to be told I’m not unreasonable so can I also get some advice on how to talk to DD2 about this.

I have 4DC they are all adults now DD1 is 27, DD2 is 25, DS1 is 24 and DS2 is 22. They are all happy, accomplished young adults and I’ve never really doubted my parenting until now.

This week myself, my DH, DD1 and both boys are on holiday together. DD2 lives abroad, has a boyfriend and a whole life of her own so didn’t join us.

Yesterday after we arrived someone left the front door open, I don’t know why but I instinctively called DD2s name to ask why she hadn’t, she’s not clear so it obviously wasn’t DD2 who left it open! Again this evening someone left their plate on the dining table and I for some reason again called for DD2. DS1 then made a comment like “once the family scapegoat, always the family scapegoat”. I asked what he meant and this turned to all the children and my DH telling me that as teenagers I used to always blame DD2 if something happened or if no one admitted to something. A bad example of this is and I remember this happening pretty well, some of the children were outside and someone threw a rock which ended up cracking my car window. Immediately DS2 told me it was DD2 and she told me it wasn’t her but I remember I punished her anyway. Apparently it was DS1 all along! All the children admitted that they took advantage of my tendency to blame DD2 so would rarely admit to it being them. Apparently DD2 didn’t bother arguing as she knew I wouldn’t listen. DH admits he also thought I used DD2 as a scapegoat but in the absence of evidence of it being someone else he didn’t see the point in interfering as I’d never listen to him anyway. Now admittedly most of these were low level things, similar to this week, like doors being left open or table left uncleared and didn’t result in any real punishment. But all 3 children have admitted to letting DD2 take the blame for bigger things knowing I’d just assume that anyway and DD2 wouldn’t bother to fight.
DD2 and I are still close now, so I assume it’s not left any hard feelings but I feel absolutely awful about it! I have no idea why my instinct was to blame DD2, perhaps a left over of her being the toddler/child who always ran and her generally being more defiant than the others (well I thought she was anyway, now I think I was wrong !)

I feel so awful about this and feel like I owe DD2 an apology but I have no idea how to go about this.
DH says I should just leave it be, she still visits and calls often, clearly has no hard feelings about it and most families probably have one child who ends up getting the blame more than others.

AIBU to feel awful and what should I say to DD?

OP, this is not abuse. You have not done this with any malicious intent. This is very different from 'oh look you've done this again, why can't you just behave like your sister' or etc, which is emotionally abusive.

Every single parent will have patterns to their parenting that gives their child a hang up in adulthood. That's because we are human, and we are also influenced by patterns in our own childhood. No one is 100% perfect, because parenting is hard. You have already done more than most people by reflecting on your own parenting and wanting to change. In an otherwise securely attached child with responsive, loving, emotionally attuned parents, most children will survive this scenario.

Almost every single adult has things they feel resentful for towards their parents, or things they wouldn't want to do as parents. That's life. You can think some of the things your parents did wasn't perfect whilst also loving your parents, having a good relationship, and reflecting that they also did a lot right.

To call this abuse minimises actual abuse imo.

OP is clearly a good mum with good relationships with all her children, who has made parenting mistake (like we all do) that she wants to apologise for.

Edit: there is a theory called 'good enough parenting' which basically says, don't focus on being perfect, and that being responsive and loving most of the time is sufficient for healthy childhood development, and repair and connect when you do make a mistake.

Why do you keep blaming DD2? There are 3 other adult DC around who can leave open doors or leave a plate on the table. Shut the door and wash the plate. Stop blaming your DD2 - you need to change your record.

🤣🤣🤣
Oh give over

An abuser! Ffs!

Agree with others, sadly it was emotional abuse. You not being aware you were doing it the time doesn't stop it from being abuse.

I think what you need to do is, as others have suggested, do your own research on scapegoating in families and the impact of this on childhood development. Then, when you feel you have processed this yourself as I imagine it's going to be painful, you need to apologise and demonstrate that you understand what impact this has had on her as a person. It's really important you don't become defensive should you feel attacked by your daughter, she needs to know you're taking accountability and that this wasn't her fault. Do it now before she has her own children and reflects on her own childhood.

It's a joke don't take it serious. I guess I'm lucky to have got a yuk and not you're an abuser going by some of these responses. Lighten up poor op it ain't that bad her daughter still visits and talks to her. I have seen a response tell the op that's only for now until she has her own child doom and gloom. Honestly I don't know why I come on this site posters take themselves too seriously. The self-righteousness on some of these threads is laughable.

I think the issue here is that this child was treated differently to the others- it would be very different if this was a shared sibling experience, but it's not. Being singled out and being the default "bad one" out of the 4 of them is the problem.
I do agree with you though that OP sounds like a mum who's done her very best and has successfully raised 4 children, and I'm certain had she been aware of what was going on at the time, she wouldn't have done what she did.

Did I just read that the OP wrote that "DD2 did throw everyone under the bus" straight after having had a short family conversation with her about it? The OP has no humility and I don't buy her claim she's come on here to understand how to speak to her DD - she's come on here to keep being in denial about the damage she -and the rest- have done

Yes but she is not just missing the holiday she has chosen to live abroad away from her family.

Sorry OP it isn’t instinct or habit to call
someones name who isn’t with you. You are covering up the root cause of the issue that you didn’t check in with yourself as a parent and ensure you weren’t uneven in the treatment of your children. Please stop minimising your behaviour. As someone else said it isn’t normal to automatically accuse one child instead of asking who did it. Your poor daughter. Honestly you need to really figure out why you have bagged so badly her whole life and are only seeing not now. Wilful blindness springs to mind and she is probably very very scarred by it.

Stop worrying about who left doors open and who left a plate on the dining table. They sound positively minute things to bother even bringing up.

@Fogthefrogfred Wall of text repeating and telling us how you've blamed and blamed again DD2 throughout her childhood. Awful.

Awful, and more awful that you even have to ask, for even a glimmer of light to dawn.

Maybe your daughter is a saint. If not, she may very well loathe and resent you and pretend to get on for convenience.

That's true actually. Not trying to stick the boot in op, but might be worth thinking about whether these things really matter to you or do you sometimes look for little things to get annoyed at dd2 for?

If, for instance, you were fairly sure one of the others left a plate sitting how would you react? Would it bother you or merit pulling them up? Or do you just see something and automatically get irritated by DD2? Not saying that is the case, and you don't need to reply, just wondering if its something to consider.

Like other pps pointed out, the throw under the bus comment stood out to me too but I'm hoping you were just joking with that and its not a dig at dd.

Yep, sounds like you were awful to her. Not sure what you can do about it now tbh. Can't really be fixed and she won't ever forget, but oh well. Start by apologising without excuse making.

I think it's really brave of you to explore this as it would be very easy to minimise it as the rest of your family have done.

Definitely have a conversation with your daughter. You don't have to raise everything you have been thinking, but it sounds like you both need to talk to each other, as a starting point.

You see her differently. She did not throw her siblings under a bus - she thought your sudden (albeit reticent) insight allowed her to voice the truth after years of being treated badly by you. Clearly she was labouring under a false sense of security.

Definitely speak to your daughter. Do it asap. I always waited for an apology from my mum for some horrible things she said to me growing up. She’s got dementia now so that’s never happening and I feel angry about that

Yes, of course it's emotional abuse. But you already know this. I don't agree - at all - with the commenter blowing smoke up your arse about being brave. I think you were hoping to be told it wasn't that bad.

Well, it was. Nowt to be done about it now though. If you can manage not to minimise or make excuses, apologise to her sincerely and don't try to make it about you. If you're going to try minimising and excuse making don't mention it, you'll make it far worse.

I think this might be part of the reason she lives abroad and hasn't made time to come on this family holiday

I agree.

Your family dynamic of blame DD2 was so engrained in you, your husband, and your other kids that you automatically blame her and make her the scapegoat when she's not even there.

Yes, it was emotional abuse. It wasn't just you. It sounds like your whole family participated in this and knew they were doing it.

She may or may not ever divulge to you how she really feels about this. She might just take being scapegoated by you guys for granted.

You can apologize till the cows come home but that won't change anything. You'll have to show change for an extended period and so will the rest of your family. But your snarky remark that she threw everyone under the bus makes that change sound unlikely. It's so engrained you don't even see when you put her down. 👎

No wonder she's moved a distance away.

Sorry the under the bus comment was a joke, about how she pointed out that every one of them were in on it to some extent. It wasn’t me putting the blame on her it was genuinely meant light hearted but I can see how that got misinterpreted.

Like I said I will have a proper conversation about it with her.

I disagree I don’t think they are related. 3/4 of my children moved away. I don’t think that makes us bad parents I think it means we gave them the confidence to chase their dreams.

DS1 lives in Frankfurt, DS2 has just moved to Geneva (they have EU passports so I’m not shocked at all that 3/4 of my kids have moved to Europe at some point). DD2 lived in Paris for 4 years and has just moved to New York, she works in the fashion industry so there is an element of moving where the work is for her. DD1 lives 10 minutes down the road.

But don't you get it? You make a bitchy remark about her even when you're just trying to supposedly make a joke. She is always behind the 8 ball with you. Your family dynamic of blame 2 for everything is not a joking matter.

Stop it.

First, try to keep a civil tongue in your mouth when you speak about her. Is that so hard?

No these are things I’d mention to any of my children! DS1 can attest to that as he still seems incapable of hanging up his coat! I expect my children to treat where we are staying with respect and I don’t care if they are 12 or 27 if they aren’t doing that I call them out.

Perhaps the reason they are still doing it is because I was calling out the wrong person all along, which is obviously a massive parenting fail on my part and inexcusable.

I’d have said that about any of my children! It’s not bitchy it was a joke and all my children would see it that way too!! Gosh Mumsnet is very serious place isn’t it!

You're the one with the major parenting fail. And you object to someone treating the topic with the seriousness it deserves and give you a hint about how to break the habit of being nasty about your own daughter.