To feel like an awful mother now

[Fogthefrogfred]

I’m sure I’m going to be told I’m not unreasonable so can I also get some advice on how to talk to DD2 about this.

I have 4DC they are all adults now DD1 is 27, DD2 is 25, DS1 is 24 and DS2 is 22. They are all happy, accomplished young adults and I’ve never really doubted my parenting until now.

This week myself, my DH, DD1 and both boys are on holiday together. DD2 lives abroad, has a boyfriend and a whole life of her own so didn’t join us.

Yesterday after we arrived someone left the front door open, I don’t know why but I instinctively called DD2s name to ask why she hadn’t, she’s not clear so it obviously wasn’t DD2 who left it open! Again this evening someone left their plate on the dining table and I for some reason again called for DD2. DS1 then made a comment like “once the family scapegoat, always the family scapegoat”. I asked what he meant and this turned to all the children and my DH telling me that as teenagers I used to always blame DD2 if something happened or if no one admitted to something. A bad example of this is and I remember this happening pretty well, some of the children were outside and someone threw a rock which ended up cracking my car window. Immediately DS2 told me it was DD2 and she told me it wasn’t her but I remember I punished her anyway. Apparently it was DS1 all along! All the children admitted that they took advantage of my tendency to blame DD2 so would rarely admit to it being them. Apparently DD2 didn’t bother arguing as she knew I wouldn’t listen. DH admits he also thought I used DD2 as a scapegoat but in the absence of evidence of it being someone else he didn’t see the point in interfering as I’d never listen to him anyway. Now admittedly most of these were low level things, similar to this week, like doors being left open or table left uncleared and didn’t result in any real punishment. But all 3 children have admitted to letting DD2 take the blame for bigger things knowing I’d just assume that anyway and DD2 wouldn’t bother to fight.
DD2 and I are still close now, so I assume it’s not left any hard feelings but I feel absolutely awful about it! I have no idea why my instinct was to blame DD2, perhaps a left over of her being the toddler/child who always ran and her generally being more defiant than the others (well I thought she was anyway, now I think I was wrong !)

I feel so awful about this and feel like I owe DD2 an apology but I have no idea how to go about this.
DH says I should just leave it be, she still visits and calls often, clearly has no hard feelings about it and most families probably have one child who ends up getting the blame more than others.

AIBU to feel awful and what should I say to DD?

I agree with the dynamics and I think you are stuck with an impression of her as a toddler that you just haven’t been able to shift.

Is she a people pleaser

Only skimmed the replies but saw 'emotional abuse' and 'no contact' mentioned which seems very extreme given the tone of the OP's opening thread.

OP please just call your DD2 and have a chat with her about this. My bet is that you will both end up having a laugh about it.

You sound like you have raised a lovely family and the fact that 3 of your children are all on holiday with you means that they love you and you're all close! They all sound very mature and open so surely DD2 would have addressed this with you before if there really was a problem? I get the impression that your dc were all having a laugh about this so I think it is HIGHLY unlikely your DD is scarred by this!

I hope your mind is at rest soon and that you can enjoy the rest of your holiday together!

The whole point here is that the OP has come to the sudden realisation that she consistently treated her DD2 differently from her other three DCs. So the fact that the OP is on holiday with the three DCs ways nothing about her dynamic with DD2 (and actually nothing about the dynamic with the three DCs, it is DS1 who first spoke of the scapegoating and called his sister straight away to let her know about the conversation, so DS1 may have been more aware/suffered from the dynamic as well, either personally or on behalf of his sister).

This is such an important point. If the OP manages to speak to her DD2 and try to change her ways, she will not only massively help her relationship with DD2 but also her relationship with any grandchildren to come. I have personal experience of this. It took me a while to realise that my maternal grandmother was not treating my siblings and myself the same way as the other grandchildren. This came about at the same time I realised that my grandmother was victimising my mother, being regularly mean and harsh to her. Basically, my siblings and I were treated less favourably because we were the children of my grandmother's least favoured child. I can still hear her telling us how spoilt we were, how badly brought up, making us afraid telling us stories about beaten up children and how lucky we were etc. As a result, I'm finding it hard to summon good memories from our times together, although at the time this did not affect my behaviour towards my grandmother (in hindsight I mirrored my mother's loyalty and enduring love despite everything).

It’s not a “mistake” to scapegoat one child their entire childhood. You sound like you do the same/have favourites and this has hit a nerve.

Mistake?

This week myself, my DH, DD1 and both boys are on holiday together. DD2 lives abroad, has a boyfriend and a whole life of her own so didn’t join us.

So OP is on a holiday with some of her children now. She's just had an epiphany that she's scapegoated and been emotionally abusive to her younger daughter which has been enabled by her entire family. Yet,

She lives in New York and I can’t financially afford to just take time off work to go visit her right now, and I have my elderly parents to care for but I will make sure I do this over FaceTime as soon as she is free to and up for it.

She can't afford to go see her over such a toxic family dynamic to make an apology in person and try to discuss it. Yet again, her other kids are prioritized by being on holiday with her now.

OP has an awful lot of excuses. She's giving these vibes.

That didn't happen.
And if it did, it wasn't that bad.
And if it was, that's not a big deal.
And if it is, that's not my fault.
And if it was, I didn't mean it.
And if I did, you deserved it.

I'm a bit shocked at your dh and all her siblings collaborating. This isn't just your responsibility

Is it a dynamic you grew up with? My parents both did and they tried but often failed to avoid it with their kids and in both cases much worse with DGC. I think worse still with DGC as they refused to admit it or do anything different.

I suspect she not on hoilday as distance away from dynamic is easier on her - you don't say that to parents obviously you have a good plausible excuse handy and one on one or by phone easier anyway - you can avoid the hurtfulness and act like everything is fine.

I think best way to change is to admit to her that you've on;y realsied you do this and your horrified - your view of her got stuck at a difficult age and you do love her and are proud of her - she may not know that if you haven't said as she spent all her childhood feeling lesser.

I do agree with PP everyone doing it and no one challenging you - it's pretty nasty behavior from all of you TBH.

Lots of people are still close with abusive family members. I hope DD2 has a nicer life as an adult than she did as a child.

OP I would suggest you spend some time working on the issues you continue to project onto DD2. Work out why you held a grudge against a child and carried that into her adulthood.

In your first post, OP, your dh said he didn't mention it to you (defend dd2) because you never listen and you've listened exceptionally well today. Very few people are capable of accepting criticism of their parenting the way you have. So, frankly, I don't believe your dh's excuse.

I find it hard to believe you didn’t realise you were doing this. It’s obvious you have favourites.

Aw we all make mistakes, the fact you have took the information on board, realised your mistake and now feel terrible shows you must be a good mother. I would apologise in a light hearted way and let her know you hadn’t realised you did this until it was pointed out and that you will make sure you don’t do it in future. Other than that give yourself a break, there’s much worse mistakes we make as parents.

Why were you blaming your grown up children anyway (one who wasn’t even there)? Why couldn’t you or your husband have left the door open? Bizarre.

So much to unpack here in this post.

Every family has a scapegoat.

But fuck me, blaming your adult child that isn’t even in the country is terrible.

Also, you are all adults, on holiday, so what if one of the adults left a door open?

I think you are in denial of your real family dynamic.

I’ve never really doubted my parenting until now.

I find that quite surprising. Most people along the way doubt their parenting to some degree and have some regrets and slip-ups. I wonder if you have just confidently swanned through parenting without ever stopping to reflect on your behaviour?

I noticed this too, yet again blaming her daughter.

OP, as a daughter who would be really healed by words of apology from my parents, and as a mother (of young children) who apologises and owns mistakes - I think you're responding in the best possible way to what you've realised. Well done.

My mum did/does this to me but not by making me a scapegoat, but the opposite actually, I was completely ignored. Still am. I moved 3000 miles away (yes, i do think the 2 things are related). She didn't visit either, always an excuse. I've come back now, but not a lot has changed. Im still invisible, nothing i do is seen or recognised, not the achievements or the struggles. Nothing. You know what you've done, so now speak to her, fix it and STOP.

Oh wow. I don’t know why but reading this made me feel really sad. I have a daughter myself and can’t imagine how defeated she would have to feel not to defend herself.
Sorry OP, I would feel like a pretty shit mum too, but she’s grown up and understandably moved away now so not lots you can do.

Hey Op I’m glad your kids and dh have called you out on this and tbh dh should have spoken up years ago and technically you all owe her an apology for letting it happen and maybe she wasn’t joking about being treated like a queen.
Unless you have lived in the scapegoat shoes you wouldn’t understand how it feels she stopped defending herself because you never considered it could be any of the other 3. This stays with you it’s like when you praise your dc it builds them up you knocked her down sadly. I’ve been treated like this for years I stopped trying to convince them it wasn’t me and I now take blame for things that I didn’t do even as an adult it becomes your default mindset I hope your dd2 doesn’t become me.

I don’t agree with your husband. I can see why he doesn’t want you to say anything, he’s afraid it could unsettle the family if she seems peaceful towards you. I think you should broach it and tell her what happened and asks if she felt that way, and take it from there.

So you didn't know you did it, despite blaming her for something twice this week when she was the only member of the family who wasn't there. I find it difficult that you don't acknowledge it despite it being your default.
Also, she lives abroad and has her own life... yeah...
Honestly I don't think it's salvageable given you haven't admitted to yourself that you were doing it until it was pointed out.
And the rest of the family being aware and either not standing up for her or using it to their advantage is disgraceful.

You say you have a good relationship with her,but how do you know she isnt putting on an act?Seeking your approval.
She behaved as she did because noone would believe her.
Your husband should have stepped in,but you say yourself you wouldnt have listened.
You dont know how she feels. Sot down and talk to her. But be aware a lot of damage has been done over the years.

I think you should prepare yourself that if she chooses to have children then becoming a mother herself may massively change your closeness.

My father was overly abusive. Violent. Nasty and horrible. It was always easy to deal with the impact of him as it was so obvious.

My mother was subtly nasty. I got the blame for everything from her. Even when it was impossible to tell for sure she'd be completely happy to blame me. I was her scapegoat.

I didn't realise how bad she was, and how much it had impacted me, my relationships and my life choices, until my first child was born.

I expect my DF would have said we were close in my 20s but from my perspective we weren't - I moved abroad partly to escape the family dynamic and lack of accountability for it. I've increased the emotional distance gradually over time whilst ticking the boxes of visiting and calling regularly enough because I pity him, but there's no depth to the relationship. If you want an authentically close relationship with your DD, you need to acknowledge you've treated her unfairly and apologise and mean it, and change your behaviour going forward.