Autistic child attacking DD part 2

[HollandAndCooper]

Original thread here:
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5420774-autistic-child-attacking-dd?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=app_share

Hi Everyone,

me back again looking for advice, perhaps some last minute advice as I have a meeting scheduled with the head teacher this morning.

DD aged 4 has been very unwell and spent a week off school. She is really going through it at the moment. She returned to school yesterday after her time off, and I'd hoped that the boy in question would've got bored and moved on. I did have a meeting booked last week but couldn't go due to DD being poorly.

well.. it turns out he hasn't got bored and moved on. It's a very small school with 20-25 per class, one class per year from reception to year 2.

the event that happened yesterday, by DDs account.
it was play time and DD was playing with a couple other girls in the play ground. Child in question was calling DD names like 'baby' and 'you need nappies' and announced he was going to the toilet.
he came back out and proceeded to have faeces on his finger to which he wiped on her cardigan.

a staff member took her to the quiet room, swapped her cardigan for one in lost property and the cardigan was handed to me in a bag on pick up. With still an evident stain on it.

i have a meeting this morning.

I have a copy of the safe guarding policy, anti bullying policy. I just need some wise words from MN now with what I need to say but I'm going down the route of failing to keep my child safe, and this is a huge safeguarding issue, not to mention a biohazard issue.
please be kind, I'm a single parent doing my best, and she won't be returning until she is safe.

so far the child has:
kicked, punched, pinched, clouted her on the head with a metal water bottle, name called and taunted. And now this.

she will not be going back to the school until this is sorted and there are proper sanctions in place. I am so angry and utterly heartbroken for her. She has been so poorly last week and in and out of hospital and I cannot see her broken like this anymore.

i appreciate the old thread is 1000 posts but there's more information on there if needed.
My AIBU is I guess to want this child excluded and put as far away from DD as possible. But I know it's not that simple. I'm at a total loss and they are failing to safe guard my child. She will not be returning until she can be safe, I'm also looking at other provisions for her now.
thanks in advance.

Have you tried getting a child into a special school! Places are practically non existent. This child probably has EHCP and the school would have agreed they can meet his needs. There is two children in this and whilst I have sympathy with OP I also have a huge level of sympathy for this boy and his family! We only have OP’s side of events, we don’t know if her daughter has been teasing this boy but obviously OP won’t admit if this is the case . She may come out of the meeting finding out her DD is no angel! I’ve worked with children with special needs for a long time and more often than not it’s the one claiming to be the victim that’s started it all!

The teacher and staff witnesses have said the incidents are unprovoked.

my daughter is frightened stiff of the boy she is obviously looking around for him on drop off. I don't want to be a 'my child would never' - but, my child is not provoking the boy.

it's targeted attacks and bullying.

the head teacher also called it bullying.

Agreed, this is way too much responsibility for a 10 or 11 year old. And the likelihood is they will just wander off to play with their friends after a bit and your DD will be left vulnerable again. This boy either needs a specialist placement or a full time 1:1. I think moving her would be for the best if school are not taking it seriously after the poo incident.

The other child should have a risk assessment in place and should have an exclusion for hitting your child with a weapon (metal bottle). The school should also consider why the child is behaving like this, and take action to minimise the risk to themselves and others by accommodating their needs more effectively. There should be a behaviour service at the council for more specialist support and advice. Typically an expert comes in and works part of they day alongside the child and their teacher/ta for a period of weeks or months. It can be a godsend for everyone. I'm so sorry this has happened to your DC. Please give her an extra hug from me xx

Sorry OP. That's just awful

The school's insurance should cover it.

At my old (secondary) school, the HT would have instructed the school office to reimburse the parent of the victim. (We never had poo smearing, but we did have instances of damaged clothing.)

Yes we sometimes used to do this in ‘Ye Olden Days’ It often seemed that when this became inconvenient for the parents the child’s behaviour in school miraculously improved. It is probably illegal nowadays to require parents to do this but in my experience it was effective in a lot of cases.

Runs over graves? Many children do that. That sounds a bit picky.

And they should be taught not to. It’s disrespectful.

See also: allowing dogs to pee on gravestones

Well yes it is but I am pointing out that non autistic kids do that.

🙄 oh FFS.

He made a conscious decision to target the OPs daughter and smear her with shit. Why should he get all the sympathy? It sounds more like vile behaviour and bullying tbh. But of course we all have to bend over backwards and be inclusive and understanding to the poor other child who has been so badly let down? And how has he been let down exactly?!

That aside OP, the school are clearly useless too so yes, I would look to move her asap.

sadly the child in question will most likely target somebody else and the cycle will repeat.

Ah, sorry, I misunderstood, I think that’s a parenting issue then not an SEN issue (and from the rest of the things OP has said, I do wonder whether parenting may be one factor in this child’s behaviour - probably even more difficult for the school to address, though)

I’m so angry on your behalf OP. It’s out of order and unacceptable. He needs to be removed and he’s targeting your daughter. Stick to the facts, make sure you’ve noted quotes down from your child, like taking a witness statement. Describe each and every incident like a police officer would or a lawyer. Keep the emotion out but also don’t forgo empathetic descriptive words such distressed, anxious and disturbed.

Focus on what he has done rather than him per se and the risk and danger he poses to your child.

Don’t even begin to to
mention his disability that’s not your concern.

Ensure you make it clear that this has escalated to a point that the need to take positive action.

Most parents of children (with or without SEN) are absolutely marvellous. However, there's a minority who have just given up and who use the school as respite - phones are switched off as soon as the child is over the school threshold and they refuse to take responsibility for anything that happens on school premises.

My experience is the Scottish secondary sector. Now retired after 40 yrs. 20 plus years as a middle manager. We had some parents who simply could not be contacted during school hours - all emergency contact numbers would be switched off.

My heart goes out to you and your little girl op

💐

I remember hearing stories of schools asking the father or mother of child to sit in classes where said child was being disruptive. They would soon re think being disruptive at the thought of mum or dad being present.

Your post after you had the meeting @HollandAndCooperhas been deleted by Mumsnet, no idea why, so I don’t know how the meeting went. I’m getting snippets from other posts and your replies.
It’s heartbreaking and so unfair that it’s the child who is being attacked that has to leave.
I know of others who had to leave their school because of bullying.
The bullies remained. 😡
it appears societal - how many times have we seen where perpetrators of crimes seem to have more rights than their victims ? 🥲

Another one saying just move schools

Your daughter deserves more: and her current school isn't willing to give her that.

But it is to a child who wipes shit all over another kid. That's where we are at.

My child on her 3rd round of being attacked by a girl with additional needs.
The final one was a bite which bruised through two layers of clothing.
The school were still happy to have my daughter in the same class as this child, it wasn't until I insisted that they had to be separated that my child was moved.

(Posted too soon)

That is to say, your child is young and you should just move schools now. If they've not handled it so far they're not likely to.

But it's not op's problem, is it horserider???

And victim blaming much, my life

deliberately smearing shit on someone is absolutely vile and inexcusable.

What a horrible shitty post. @Horserider5678 are you also an apologists for rape and general violence?
'Oooh the poor rapist, she clearly did something to deserve it/didn't do as he demanded/wound him up! Why aren't you checking on him?!! He must be so upset!!!' Pathetic.