Autistic child attacking DD part 2

[HollandAndCooper]

Original thread here:
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5420774-autistic-child-attacking-dd?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=app_share

Hi Everyone,

me back again looking for advice, perhaps some last minute advice as I have a meeting scheduled with the head teacher this morning.

DD aged 4 has been very unwell and spent a week off school. She is really going through it at the moment. She returned to school yesterday after her time off, and I'd hoped that the boy in question would've got bored and moved on. I did have a meeting booked last week but couldn't go due to DD being poorly.

well.. it turns out he hasn't got bored and moved on. It's a very small school with 20-25 per class, one class per year from reception to year 2.

the event that happened yesterday, by DDs account.
it was play time and DD was playing with a couple other girls in the play ground. Child in question was calling DD names like 'baby' and 'you need nappies' and announced he was going to the toilet.
he came back out and proceeded to have faeces on his finger to which he wiped on her cardigan.

a staff member took her to the quiet room, swapped her cardigan for one in lost property and the cardigan was handed to me in a bag on pick up. With still an evident stain on it.

i have a meeting this morning.

I have a copy of the safe guarding policy, anti bullying policy. I just need some wise words from MN now with what I need to say but I'm going down the route of failing to keep my child safe, and this is a huge safeguarding issue, not to mention a biohazard issue.
please be kind, I'm a single parent doing my best, and she won't be returning until she is safe.

so far the child has:
kicked, punched, pinched, clouted her on the head with a metal water bottle, name called and taunted. And now this.

she will not be going back to the school until this is sorted and there are proper sanctions in place. I am so angry and utterly heartbroken for her. She has been so poorly last week and in and out of hospital and I cannot see her broken like this anymore.

i appreciate the old thread is 1000 posts but there's more information on there if needed.
My AIBU is I guess to want this child excluded and put as far away from DD as possible. But I know it's not that simple. I'm at a total loss and they are failing to safe guard my child. She will not be returning until she can be safe, I'm also looking at other provisions for her now.
thanks in advance.

I also asked this about the LA responsibility?

What if your child's behaviour was also so challenging inside the home, that you couldn't home educate?

Yes, I definitely think your DD deserves an apology.
I said so in my post "apology and empathy would have been good "

Thanks for your reply, I absolutely agree.

And what did you say to the LA for not ensuring correct provision, thereby not ensuring everyones' safety?

The OP cannot advocate to the LA for correct provision for someone else's child. She can only advocate for the LA to safeguard her child.

Thanks for the update @HollandAndCooper - good news for your DD, hope she has a great new start. You did the right thing.

And yes, the other mother should have apologised but as you said, none of that is your problem now.

They weren't safeguarding OP's DD or any other child because of inadequate provision.

The disabled child is not to blame in all this. The LA are but this rarely gets mentioned.
The LA just sit back and watch....

That might be the case but - again - one parent cannot advocate for provision for another parent's child.

She can ask what is being done to safeguard her own child, but the authorities cannot divulge information about the other parent's child - irrespective of the other parent already divulging information. Provision for the other child might be included in the safeguarding, but the authorities cannot state this.

That’s not OP’s fight. She’s had her fight.

I do agree that way more needs to be done in terms of the LA ensuring there is adequate provision for all children. I don’t think expecting all children to cope and thrive together in mainstream schools has worked well for a long time. I actually have experience of supporting a 4 year old 1:1 in mainstream. He was terrified of the noise and bustle in a busy classroom, he ran off and was much happier alone with me playing in another room where I could sing to him, he would tell me spontaneously about numbers, etc. He would stand next to me in the playground when frightened of other children. He was non-verbal, I changed his nappy, he wasn’t violent to anybody, but was terrified in a big, busy school environment.

Wider things need improving for sure.

Thanks for your response but you didn't answer my question.

I would try my hardest, as I think my own children are my own responsibility. I personally would not be comfortable with my children hurting others for any reason. However, of course I can appreciate that the needs of some children need specialist support, and of course parents themselves have other responsibilities and definitely need a break quite frankly.

I am not comfortable though with any child or adult for that matter being used as a punching bag. I don’t send my own two to school to be physically attacked. I will not tolerate that from any other child, whether they have SEND or not. I would remove my own child of the school weren’t stopping this, like this OP has done. I don’t actually think though that it’s fair, I think the child hurting others should be removed, ideally to a setting which can best meet their needs. If this isn’t available then that must be addressed by those higher up, of course,

My own sibling was physically attacked at secondary school by a child who had been expelled from another school and was very violent. My mum wasn’t satisfied with a 3 day exclusion, she removed my sibling instantly, lodged a formal complaint with the governors and reported the incident to the police. I would do the same if any secondary aged child attacked one of mine. We are zero tolerance with violence as a family.

OP had every right to go to the LA and question what they were doing to prevent or minimise risk to her DD from the disabled child.

As usual in these cases, the LA don't make the correct provision then sit back and wait for casualties.
When the (expected) casualties occur, the blame is then firmly placed on the disabled child and parents (usually mother)

And no one can ever answer what can the mother do if their child has attacked in school and how to obtain education if the child is too difficult even to home educate.

Often, trained teachers and support workers can't even manage so they phone the parents to come and collect.
The parents HAVE to manage, when no one else can. They have no choice and become exhausted, unable to cope themselves.

They suffer the same attacks on their own families within the home, with very little help or advice.
They often reserve what little energy they have left, for apologising to the injured parties.
Sometimes as a last resort when all else has failed, there is no choice but to place the child in care to protect siblings and others.

Nane calling and blaming makes things a thousand times worse and in no way helps the victim or the disabled child.

Yes, my DD1 (16), who has SEN, was attacked right through year 11 by another girl with SEN, who had been expelled from several other schools for violent behaviour. They seemed completely incapable of protecting DD1, who ended up feeling like her needs didn’t matter.

Thankfully, that’s now over, and she’s in a specialist college where she’s very happy, but it completely messed up her final year at her high school.

I’m sorry to hear about yours and your DD1’s experiences. It’s very unfortunate that the needs of perpetrators of violence and their families always seem to be put higher than those who are the ones being attacked.

There should be more support for parents and siblings also who are being attacked in their own homes. That’s awful if there isn’t, I can imagine extremely isolating and frightening.

Thank you. As I said in the previous thread, we’ve had our own problems with DD1 ourselves, especially when she was younger, she used to be violent towards me. But thankfully she was never violent towards other children at school, which I’m very grateful for. So I do empathise with parents who do have to cope with both violence at school and at home.

But that doesn’t mean that schools and LAs aren’t responsible for keeping children safe from violence whilst in school. And I was shocked at how the high school always seemed to prioritise the needs of DD1’s bully.

Because it is always ‘this is what I would do IF I had a disabled child’ isn’t it? It’s like that saying the best parents are people who haven’t had kids. It’s all empty and meaningful if someone has zero experience of it, they have no idea how they would cope in reality.

Anyway OP glad you have your DD in a new school, sounds like it will be a positive change and I hope she settles nicely.

There's no support, only parent blame as parents - usually mothers - are accused of causing their child to attack them and not being able to protect their sibling(s).

I would apologise for the harm caused to OP's daughter. Even if I have no control over something and could not have prevented something, I would still apologise for the injury and distress and share concern/well wishes. When my daughter accidentally hit a hockey ball at her friends head and she had to go to hospital, I sent my profuse apologies to the mum and showed concern for her daughter. My daughter did not mean harm and I could not have prevented it. But the end result was a child was injured and the decent thing to do is apologise and show concern

Reading this thread has been an eye opener. Personally, I just want to get on and teach. I don’t want to be dealing with anger which leads to violence. I don’t want this in my classroom. The amount of times I hear the vilest language and intent to harm, and see harmful behaviour.. Violence is a normal part of my working day.
I cannot wait for my children to be out of the education system.

It's not an appalling violent disability. It's behaviour is communication and I don't like the vibes I'm getting about this parents. However, I would apologise that another child suffered, maybe say something about how hard you're working to get him into the right school and wish mum and daughter well for the future.

I think about this thread a lot. OP I hope your daughter is settled and enjoying her new school and you’re all ok.

hi OP how did your DD get on at her new school?

Same