Autistic child attacking DD part 2

[HollandAndCooper]

Original thread here:
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5420774-autistic-child-attacking-dd?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=app_share

Hi Everyone,

me back again looking for advice, perhaps some last minute advice as I have a meeting scheduled with the head teacher this morning.

DD aged 4 has been very unwell and spent a week off school. She is really going through it at the moment. She returned to school yesterday after her time off, and I'd hoped that the boy in question would've got bored and moved on. I did have a meeting booked last week but couldn't go due to DD being poorly.

well.. it turns out he hasn't got bored and moved on. It's a very small school with 20-25 per class, one class per year from reception to year 2.

the event that happened yesterday, by DDs account.
it was play time and DD was playing with a couple other girls in the play ground. Child in question was calling DD names like 'baby' and 'you need nappies' and announced he was going to the toilet.
he came back out and proceeded to have faeces on his finger to which he wiped on her cardigan.

a staff member took her to the quiet room, swapped her cardigan for one in lost property and the cardigan was handed to me in a bag on pick up. With still an evident stain on it.

i have a meeting this morning.

I have a copy of the safe guarding policy, anti bullying policy. I just need some wise words from MN now with what I need to say but I'm going down the route of failing to keep my child safe, and this is a huge safeguarding issue, not to mention a biohazard issue.
please be kind, I'm a single parent doing my best, and she won't be returning until she is safe.

so far the child has:
kicked, punched, pinched, clouted her on the head with a metal water bottle, name called and taunted. And now this.

she will not be going back to the school until this is sorted and there are proper sanctions in place. I am so angry and utterly heartbroken for her. She has been so poorly last week and in and out of hospital and I cannot see her broken like this anymore.

i appreciate the old thread is 1000 posts but there's more information on there if needed.
My AIBU is I guess to want this child excluded and put as far away from DD as possible. But I know it's not that simple. I'm at a total loss and they are failing to safe guard my child. She will not be returning until she can be safe, I'm also looking at other provisions for her now.
thanks in advance.

I'd be asking why this child hasn't got 121 support both in class and in playtime/lunchtime.

He sounds severely SEN. I empathise, because my DC also has AuDHD. But it isn't his fault. It is totally down to the school for not managing him. Why haven't they applied for an EHCP?

Very often the school has said cannot meet need but forced to take anyway. Our primary had 22 SEN requests this time. We said we could take max 2 into our ARP and 2-3 we felt we could support in a mainstream class if given X anount of extra funding for a TA.
For the other 17 our SENCo spent 3 weekends of her own time writing explanations of why we couldn't meet need and why woyod be harmful to both the child and the school as a whole. Only 3 were accepted out of the 17. So we had 14 children who could not meet need, and no funding. All TA's (apart from those linked to ehcps) were pulled from across the school to staff what was effectively a special needs classroom for the 10 highest need. So all the other classes where children were receiving small group support have lost it, and children with needs which dont meet ehcp threshold are now struggling massively.

I'm 65.

In August, my old secondary had a reunion. Beforehand, I was contacted by one of my bullies - she wanted me to forgive her.

Short version - I went but tried to avoid her. Was waylaid by her: "I do apologise for anything I did."

I was immediately flanked by two girls from my primary school class, there to support me. I only found out at the reunion that several of us had been targeted by girls from another primary once we moved up to high school. (When they'd finally been told to leave me alone when I was in Second Year, they'd moved on to others.)

We had been deemed to be 'posh' and 'snobs' because we were quiet girls who wanted to get on with our schoolwork. (In actual fact, we all came from working class backgrounds.)

It was quite enlightening - so far as I'm aware, three of the bullies attended. They left early. Those of us who were their victims had no interest in interacting with them. (A 4th - a girl who had broken my nose - had cancelled her attendance at the last minute. She's now a TA in a secondary school!)

Just to say that these things run deep. It turned out that the girl who had contacted me (via social media) had tried to get in touch with others. She left the reunion WhatsApp group after one of her victims sent her private message telling her that she hoped that she'd had a miserable life.

@HollandAndCooper is quite right to be looking into a move for her daughter.

I think it was removed because I expressed my wishes for the boy to be excluded.

but basically the meeting was very wishy washy and a lot of 'positive reinforcement' - essentially I'm taking DD out. I have to do what's best for her. ❤️

Because they're only 6 weeks into reception?

EHCP takes time to gather evidence. They will flat out refuse unless the school has tried every possibility (even if it's glaringly obvious the child needs an EHCP). Parents can argue to get councils to follow law and not wait, but from OPs description it doesn't sound like the mum would do that.

Yes, but good parents (when present) tell their children not to do that. I might be misunderstanding, but I think that this has happened whilst waiting for school to open?

Maybe they have - in our area they take up to 2 years to come through, that's even if they agree to assess. Some parents are really proactive and start the battle young so they have an ehcp by time they start. And some aren't. And some have such long waits to get assessed even for those who try really hard.

And we don't know that this child definitely has SEN, and we and OP have no right to know. On these posts the excuse is always given as SEN. But some children just are little sh*ts!

I had a Head who used to invite parents in 25 yrs ago.

Enrol your daughter in a martial arts club. It will give her confidence to stand up to bullies A child family member of mine has been doing this since 4 years old. A boy grabbed her by the throat, she knew the moves to get him off her and executed it perfectly. He never went near her again.
You need to be very firm about what this child is doing OP, the school is in dereliction of duty by not protecting your DD

How terrible for your daughter. Only just starting reception and having to deal with bullying straight away. Not the start you had imagined for her.

Taking her out and putting her in a new school is for the best. Hopefully no long term damage has been done.

The Autism is a red herring here. It doesn't matter that the child has ASD. It is the responsibility of the school to keep all the children in their care safe. The cause of the behaviour needs to be identified after the safety measure is implemented.

DD1 went to special school. Her behaviour upset another pupil, who thought that the best thing to do was to tell another pupil about it and encourage her to 'sort it out'. Her response was to beat DD1 with a stick, leaving huge striped bruises on her thighs.

I disagree with a lot of how school managed the situation. They told me DD1 'had hurt her knee' as she limped out of school. It was only when she used the loo that I saw the bruises and asked her about them. They wanted DD1 to do a 'restorative session' with the other girl. DD1 declined. They told her they would wait until she was ready, and she told them that they'd be waiting a long time.

What they did get right, was that they told me that the child responsible would not be going out into the playground until they were confident that she could behave appropriately, and that when she was allowed out she would be directly supervised at all times. I didn't need to know the details of any sanctions. I just needed to know DD1 would be safe.

DD1 was already quite unwell, mentally. But she hasn't recovered from that incident. It's lead to 3 failed college placements because she just doesn't feel safe.

Just wanted to say op that you sound like a brilliant mum!!! And going through all this on your own must be very tough.
Your dd is very lucky to have a mum like you fighting for her ❤️ x

@Icreatedausernameyippee we sadly had the same, with school like horse doing the pathetic 'oh they may have brought it on themselves...' till a parent/helper event for world book day, gave the evidence of my dc sitting reading in a group, had the child who'd be targeting him kick them in the back... but of course as evidenced on here there was still the desperate grabbing at straws of 'poor, violent bully...'

OP, I totally support you finding a new school for your DD. I agree with @Lougle that autism is a red herring here. There are lots of gorgeous SEN children who make the schools they go to begger places. But, somehow behaviour of one child is allowed to trump the well-being of all others. We had a child using racist language constantly, or talking about shooting them all - when I raised with SLT they said it was an anxious response and therefore not something we would do anything about. That it what got me out of education.

@Icreatedausernameyippee your poor child

Hope she's doing better now

OP, My friends daughter had her brand new school shoes ruined by a child in primary. She sent her back to school in trainers, refused to buy new school shoes and gave the head a link to the replacement ones to forward to the parent. The parents did try to wangle out of it but eventually did buy new shoes. The school should be acting as a go between. I'd return the shit stained jumper and say your daughter wont be in uniform until a new one is bought.

I was bullied for years from the age of 6 or 7 till my mid-teens - physical fighting and sneering and being picked on. And all the grown ups around me (my parents & teachers) did was ask "Were you doing something to provoke the attacks?"

50 years later, I still try to take up as little space as possible in groups of people, and am extremely conflict averse if someone tries to pick a fight with me about my character or behaviour. I shrink.

It's not good enough. I hope you find a better school @HollandAndCooper The little boy sounds as though he's being neglected, and his parents don't care. His parents need some parenting training.

I'm glad you're taking her out, you're doing what's best for your daughter. I wish I was braver when my eldest was in primary but I listened to the school and although he's almost 17 now he still struggles with his self confidence and anxiety.

The way you’ve talked about a disabled child throughout this thread, and your previous thread, is ableist and vile.

However, wishing you good luck as you move your child to an alternative school.

Sen parent.
I would move her.

The other child needs 1:1 supervision which even if it did happen could take months to organise.

Your dd is your priority, schools hands are pretty tied around sen. I dont see anyway they can immediately solve the problem

My mum suggested this to me when I was 7, I wanted to do dancing so didn´t take the offer up. I could kick myself now, it would´ve given me so much confidence.

What that child is doing to OP’s DD is vile. Smearing faeces on a cardigan?

Any sympathy for her daughter?

You don't know that he is disabled.

What has been vile? Do you think ops not just agreeing to accept violence and faecal smearing is vile? That the dd should just accept head injuries and physical and verbal aggression, and focus on 'ah bless, poor lad, how can we prioritise him?'