AIBU and expecting too much? Is this just married life?

[Stepz]

I’ve been with my DH for 3 years. DD is 2. He’s very laid back and chilled and I’m more neurotic I think!

We obviously spend a lot of time together, and we’ve never spent a night apart (we joke that we would find this very hard). We both work in the week, and he has hobbies nearly every day after work. He usually comes home about 9, we eat and go to bed. I have already put DD at this point.

at the weekends, we will do stuff with DD. She goes to bed at 7. Usually he will then go on his gaming until midnight. If I say I want to spend time with him he says “we’re always together” - but I I mean doing something! Not just sitting in the same room. He then begrudgingly will say “well let’s watch a film then”. He will fall asleep whilst watching it.

Whenever I say I want to do something, even just a hike whilst DD is at mums, he’ll say “we got the rest of our lives together what’s the rush!”

weve had a conversation before that his hobbies take up a lot of time and he reduced this to 2 times a week, but this has now gone back to 5 times a week. I feel like I can’t tell him to spend more time with me!

today he’s taken DD to his hobby to “watch” him. I’m unwell in bed so couldn’t go. He left at 9 and I spoke to him at 10, but now his phone is going to voicemail.

I feel like I’m always asking for time or communication from him. I don’t think there’s anyone else but I feel like he just doesn’t even think of me

Bump

Phone going to vocemail I don't see the problem but the rest of it sounds sad. My husband and I have known each other for 20 years, together about 15. I would be sad if he went out every evening without me and just wanted to game on weekend evenings. He probably does that once or twice a month while I fart about on my phone or read a book - but he only ever does it when feeling very unsociable and a bit grumpy tbh.

What was your relationship like before kids and marriage then?

5 times a week with a young child. Aside from you, doesn’t he want to see his child? That might be ok when he was single but not when he has a family, he’s avoiding responsibilities to your child, and quality time with them by doing so. You need to have a proper chat with him and explain how serious it is to you. Also look into love languages (yours might be quality time). You have to put effort into your marriage imo, and at the moment it doesn’t sound like he’s doing that.

Yeah totally see your pov Stepz

In your relationship, your dh is prioritising work, then hobbies, then your child, then you… and that’s got to be very hurtful.

So no YANBU. Especially so early on in the relationship.

I know someone who worked late every night so he could avoid putting his children to bed. He was quite blatant about it. He just let his wife struggle on, even though she worked as well.

How is your dh with your dd? Is he hands on normally? Some dads do get better at parenting when the dc are a bit older.

Or is it you he is avoiding? Is he avoidant generally? Can you rely on him to step up generally? Has he always been this way, or has he just been behaving like this since you had your child?

It seems like you had children very quickly, you must’ve only been with him a few months before you found out you were pregnant?

I’d hazard a guess this is the type of man he is (I’d run a mile from him personally) and you’re only just finding out.

You need to sit him down and tell him that things need to drastically change if this relationship is going to continue. That you need twice a week for your hobbies/ time to yourself, he gets twice a week and the rest of the evenings, unless out with friends or whatever, you spend together. I would try and do a fortnightly or monthly date night where if you can get a babysitter, you go out for a meal or bowling/ cinema or for a walk and pub lunch. Spending time together basically. Otherwise, what’s the point? You might as well live alone!

Your dh is living as if he is single.

Hobbies five nights a week isn’t really on when you have young DC.

Then he goes to bed at seven rather than hang out with you? And you’re supposed to just take that?

You are barely in a relationship.

You had a child with a man you barely knew and now you’re seeing the reality. You’re a long way down his list of priorities.

Let’s be honest, if you hadn’t got pregnant very quickly and he was never home, you would have dumped him by now . He wants the facade of a happy family man while acting like he’s single.

This isn’t a relationship and no it’s not ‘just married life’

Why are you with him? I wouldn't stand for that.

When I say together I meant married. We’ve been in a relationship for 5 years

Not normal.
He's living the life of a single man while you parent.
I wouldn't see any point to this relationship.
Unfortunately you have had a child with a man child.
What is your housing situation?

You can’t make someone want to spend time with you. So, whilst talking to him about this might get you more ‘together time’, it won’t solve that issue. Your husband apparently doesn’t value or enjoy your company.

What was he like before you got married and had a child?

You say you've never spent a night apart, but you hardly see each other. It's more that you never spend a day together. Five nights of hobbies is way too much when you have a young family. He's not seeing his child, which can only be intentional. He also doesn't seem keen to spend time with you. I suspect he's just biding his time before either you get so resentful you leave, or he jumps ship. I think you need to sit down and spell out the current relationship trajectory and see what he says. You should be alternating bed times, so on his free nights after you've taken her up he can go out to a hobby, but not really before.

I had one like this until I made it clear it wasn’t reasonable. We’ve been fine since.

How did you go out about fixing it?

Has he always been going out to hobbies so much? If so, why would you expect him to change?

If not, when did he start going out 5 nights a week? It sounds like he's avoiding the night routine putting your kid to bed and he's not really wanting to spend time with you.

Tell him he is a dad and partner now, not a child

I don’t think you’re neurotic. He should be another best friend and you should be his. Married life should be like living with someone that wants to include you in their life and do things together that you both enjoy. Having your own interests and friends is important too but not above you and your children.

What is the point of him? What does he think you gain from being married to him? He's got a home where someone else looks after his child - it's almost like he's sent your child to boarding school. I couldn't see the point in having a husband if he was so detached from the family.

When you say you never spend a night apart do you mean he comes to bed for sex every night?
i don't know how you can tolerate him going to his hobby so much, what a selfish shit.

No, we don’t have sex every night. Usually he plays on his Xbox until he falls asleep. I have to sleep with headphones on.

There's a lot her that wouldn't work for me.

You spend on meaningful time together as a couple.

Secondly, where's your time for hobbies, classes or meeting friends?

Each update makes your situation sadder.

It’s not unusual for men to live life after children as if they were still childless. It’s not right or fair but IME it happens.

You need to tell him that going out 5 nights a week for hobbies is completely unacceptable and that the Xbox until falling asleep so often is selfish.

Yanbu to expect some undivided attention during couple time. Just because he’s married, it doesn’t give him permission to stop making an effort. Unless he changes, I predict that you will end up splitting over this and he will blame you for changing rather than himself for not changing.

So what time do you get to yourself to partake in hobbies or seeing friends etc?

This would not be for me. You don’t actually spend that much time together do you? And I am assuming you put daughter to bed every night?
What about eating together - do you do that?

Time to sit him down and explain that this is not okay for you. And then stick to it.