MIL wants to do my kids Christmas stockings…again

[Gagamama2]

I’m prepared to get flamed here as being an ungrateful first-world-problem twat, but hear me out (and please flame me gently if I need it):

My kids are 9, 7 and 6. We spend alternate Christmases between both sets of grandparents houses as they live hours from each other. This year it’s our turn to go to my parents in laws place, along with the rest of the large extended family (my partner is one of 5).

Every year that we go to his parents place, my MIL insists on doing all the grandkids stockings. Both providing them (they are beautiful ones she has sewn) and filling them. The first year I was a bit sad about this as had looked forward to doing my own kids stocking so I made him one that we opened with him upstairs in our room before we all went downstairs and did the “real” stockings with the other grandkids that are hung by the fire. But it was akward and when the older grandkids saw my son’s second stocking upstairs there were questions. Since then I’ve shut up and accepted the grandma stocking for my kids every other year.

the last time we were there they really fell flat for my eldest. The younger two didn’t mind so much but he (like all kids I guess) fixates on the stocking in the run up to Christmas and is incredibly excited about what will be inside. We don’t put expensive stuff in there on the years it’s our turn to do it, but he does get things he really wants. We don’t go crazy about the big gifts either (each kids gets up to three presents from us), so the stocking forms quite a big part of the day.

grandma sees my kids once a year and doesn’t reallly know them aside from knowing the basics like grandson is sporty, Granddaughter is arty, etc. all the grandkids get the same presents in the stocking bar little tweaks, like they will all get a book but they will get diffferent books. This leads to none of the stockings being particularly personal / relevant to any of the kids.

i would really like to ask MiL not to do my kids stockings this year but I don’t know if this is warranted / appropriate. It’s probably the last year my eldest will actually believe in the big man as well. What would you guys do??

Let her do the stocking and put the things you would've put into stockings out with their other presents.

Echoing those saying have your own cosy Christmas traditions in your own home. Part magic of Christmas is seeing your kids faces when they rush to see if ‘he’s been’ (it’s the one day for not sucking the joy out of the occasion & making them wait patiently for hours)
Boxing day is for visiting family.

We had the exact same thing, OP with the two stockings.
I am Xmas personified! I love Xmas so much. I’m excited all the way from September to the big day. It’s my favourite time of year, and NO ONE is taking that away! My MIL is a kind and generous woman. She also does stockings for everyone. Kids and adults. And like your MIL, they are things like a key ring, some fudge, some deodorant… that kind of thing. Generic stuff which is loosely geared towards the person but not like the stocking I, as a parent, do for my own DC. Because she isn’t the kind of person to get her nose out of joint, we didn’t really need to discuss the whole two stockings thing. My DC wake up at about 5:30am on Xmas day (well they did! They’re older now but when they were little they would jump out of bed and come pattering into our room with their excited little faces, clutching their stocking and saying “he’s been!!!!” And it was the most joyous part of my favourite day of the year. I couldn’t possibly have foregone that moment for anyone!)

So they did their first stockings very early in the morning in our room. And then when we were up and dressed we would all come down stairs and do the other stockings together. It wasn’t an issue that there were two stockings for my DC. If asked, I’d make up some BS about Santa owing me a couple of favours as I’d helped him out last year. No one batted an eyelid.

I think you should enjoy doing the stockings for your DC. Those moments are so precious. As you say, the oldest one may not believe in Santa much longer. I’d just do your own. Have some BS story ready about Santa getting confused which house your DC were going to be at this year or owing you a favour or something. Just brush it off without making a big deal of it.

Oh God! Christmas can be a minefield eh. I think there are lots of valid points in the thread, it is difficult that this is the tradition that everyone has gone along with and how to buck that. I understand how you feel and wanting to give your kids what they want.

But, I think I err on the side of you saying that the 10 cousins are besties, and that being the most important part of the story. I have alternate family xmases like you and sometimes wish it was just us, but I see the importance for my family and kids, of being part of that big tribe. And some of that is making traditions as a wider family too. I think in your position I’d just give the stocking filler bits I wanted to give, as under the tree gifts, so they get them.

This. There was no need for the cousins to find the stocking up in your room. Put the evidence away before you go downstairs!

I would keep doing your own and see MIL's as bonus extra presents for your kids. If the other kids ask questions it's not really on you to explain your perfectly normal actions, so leave that for MIL and their parents!

I imagine some of the older ones are getting to the age where they won't believe in Father Christmas. It's may be sensible to suggest to the other parents to steer conversations away from who got what and where it came from, so the younger ones can keep believing. I expect with that many kids under one roof, not everyone is getting the same amount spent on them, the same number of presents etc.

When do you go there? You could do a christmas eve stocking or a stocking that is left at home as santa left it at their house to have when you get back?
I think that grandma takes a lot of pride and joy in doing stockings for the whole family and it would be a shame to ruin it for the whole family and the other childten in the family by having santa bring an extra stocking just for your kids.

Tbh I’d simply say/text: appreciate that you’d like to do the stockings again this year, but we agreed you would do them last year as a one-off and I have been excitedly looking forward to (and am already buying for) the kids myself this year. If you’d like to give them a second one ‘from grandma’ later in the day, that’s fine and they will love the treat that this will be, but I will press on with the one’s ‘from Santa’.

I almost missed the bit about grandma only seeing the children once a year. Surely you can be nice enough to allow her this one bit of pleasure every other year.

This just wouldn't bother me at all.

Tell your kids to ask FC to leave them a stocking at home. Then you all come home to the stockings you did on their beds.

Your MIL is being out of order here I think - she had her turn with all five of her own bloody kids - massive overstep.

I would let her do it as obviously something she enjoys and it’s fair for all the cousins and then just include the smaller but things they want gifts in with the main pile from you.

... Just likes to take the big glamorous traditions!

It's her choice? How can you take over santa for children you don't even bother to get to know.

Why doesn't her son bring his children to visit more than once a year, rather than allow Christmas, such a special time for mothers, who do all the bloody work involved with Christmas, to be controlled by his mother?

OP, I would be rethinking this arrangement if you would like a Christmas at home.

My friends daughter is 40 with a 5 year old daughter. Her partner refused to get married when she accidentally became pregnant, even though they were together 3 years. She was hurt, but got on with life. She insisted her daughter have her name when she was born which he was upset about but she wouldn't move on this, wisely.
She only wanted one child and has an excellent career, and he lives in her house, which she inherited.
She wouldn't marry him now, that moment has passed.
She however has been very firm that she doesn't have in laws, as they are not married, and doesn't entertain any contact that doesn't 100% suit her.

She has Christmas with her family every year as they live nearby. He brings their daughter to visit his family once a month and she has a day to herself.
She likes his mother but has never invested in the relationship because they are not her family.

He has tried to backtract since but she wouldn't risk her house and their completely separate finances, so told him that is completely off the table.

Her mother thought she was a bit harsh at first but we both now agree with her.
He didn't want to marry her when she was pregnant and it would have meant so much to her, and now it really wouldn't benefit her, as her career has progressed.

I fully agree with her view that he is not entitled to the benefits of marriage since they never married.

No one is stopping her coming to visit us whenever she likes! But she has a busy life travelling and living abroad and isn’t bothered. We actually made sure when we bought our house that it has a proper spare room with a big comfy double bed in it so that grandparents and other family can stay over, given we have big families. We are the ones that go up and visit her once / sometimes twice a year

Did you grow up on the moon? It's your job to do stockings, not her. She had her chance with her kids. Say no! Get your husband to say no. In fact do you even like spending every Christmas at someone else's house? Do your kids like it? I bet if you asked them they would say they would prefer to stay at home. You are a grown woman, spend Christmas how you want and take charge of these stockings. I'd be devastated if anyone fucked with my kids stockings.

I mean the other side of that is, she doesn't make all that much effort so how come she gets to cherry-pick the nice bits to this extent?

Parenthood is full of worries, trials and difficulties. It is also peppered with moments of incredible joy. Preparing your children’s Christmas stocking is potentially one of those joyous moments, the sort of thing we will remember with misty eyes when we are eighty and our children are grown. I would refuse to allow this activity to be denied me. You’re allowed to claim some moments and events for yourself, and this is one of them. Your MIL has had her turn. Now it’s yours.

My DM did grandma boxes, all her grandchildren loved them and even as grown ups begged her to keep it up when she wanted to stop. My DC have asked me to carryon the tradition since she died. I mainly do it as foodie hampers with spices and coffee etc. |It can be just as special if not more special if it came from GP rather than Santa.

Are the stockings “from Santa”? If not I’d do my own and just give them another day at home (and just extend Christmas)

if they are, I’d probably suck it up and maybe get some smaller presents that don’t go in the stocking? Just a couple of extra so the older one has some stuff that’s more him

Do you ever have a Xmas at your home just you, children and their dad?

Just have your own stockings in the rooms. Its fine to have your own family traditions. If you really feel you need to explain 'we have some traditions from my side of the family that we also enjoy as much as we very much enjoy husbands family traditions.'

Ott.

its really not your concern if there’s waste in the stockings she is doing something nice but just not your Liking and you are trying to control the situation

simple as give your children two stockings if you are that bothered or just add the stocking gifts under your tree

this is not that deep