MIL wants to do my kids Christmas stockings…again

[Gagamama2]

I’m prepared to get flamed here as being an ungrateful first-world-problem twat, but hear me out (and please flame me gently if I need it):

My kids are 9, 7 and 6. We spend alternate Christmases between both sets of grandparents houses as they live hours from each other. This year it’s our turn to go to my parents in laws place, along with the rest of the large extended family (my partner is one of 5).

Every year that we go to his parents place, my MIL insists on doing all the grandkids stockings. Both providing them (they are beautiful ones she has sewn) and filling them. The first year I was a bit sad about this as had looked forward to doing my own kids stocking so I made him one that we opened with him upstairs in our room before we all went downstairs and did the “real” stockings with the other grandkids that are hung by the fire. But it was akward and when the older grandkids saw my son’s second stocking upstairs there were questions. Since then I’ve shut up and accepted the grandma stocking for my kids every other year.

the last time we were there they really fell flat for my eldest. The younger two didn’t mind so much but he (like all kids I guess) fixates on the stocking in the run up to Christmas and is incredibly excited about what will be inside. We don’t put expensive stuff in there on the years it’s our turn to do it, but he does get things he really wants. We don’t go crazy about the big gifts either (each kids gets up to three presents from us), so the stocking forms quite a big part of the day.

grandma sees my kids once a year and doesn’t reallly know them aside from knowing the basics like grandson is sporty, Granddaughter is arty, etc. all the grandkids get the same presents in the stocking bar little tweaks, like they will all get a book but they will get diffferent books. This leads to none of the stockings being particularly personal / relevant to any of the kids.

i would really like to ask MiL not to do my kids stockings this year but I don’t know if this is warranted / appropriate. It’s probably the last year my eldest will actually believe in the big man as well. What would you guys do??

I don’t understand why you and DH have been so passive about all this.

He could just say ‘we’re doing the stockings from now on’.

She’d be unreasonable to object to that.

I don’t think you can say no to the stockings if all the other children are getting them. Just do your own in your bedroom first and don’t let the other children see them. It’s rude to add things to her stockings I think.
its difficult, I had this a bit with my Mum, she would also do a small bag for my children and buy all the same small chocolate things I put in my stockings, I felt it took the edge of mine and everything I changed what I bought I think she would see the ideas and repeat them the following year. You just have to see it as a positive for the children as they end up getting 2 lots which they love.

@Gagamama2
Could you get small sacks for your kids and put your stocking bits in the sacks, that they open along side the big presents?
I can see why MIL is doing this she is trying to keep it fair and equal for the 10 GC, her children and DPs, (unfortunately missing the mark with the contents) creating family memories.
I also understand your frustration as sounds like your stocking are all the extra little personal bits you pick up to make xmas unique for each child.
TBF apart from the drink, cereal bar, and the few bits I duplicate for my youngest so she doesn't pinch her big sisters 🙃 😅 they are different, and adjusting to the 3 different personality, interests I am buying for.

Not the Christmas hill to die on for me.

My mums favourite part about Christmas was always the stockings. She now makes the grandchildren Christmas Eve boxes. It gives her joy and it wasn't something I was ever going to do. So it is a win for everyone, especially her grandchildren 😆

When you go to her house? Could Santa perhaps come early to your house this year with the “real” stocking?

I actually think it's quite sweet that she wants the grandchildren to have "the same but not" stockings. If FC was real, I think that's what he would do! A set list of categories tailored to interests.

Could you tell MIL what they particularly loved in their stocking last year with a "do you think they could fit in with what you're doing, or could I add them in?" She might actually be happy for the tip on how to make the children love them!

I actually think its lovely what she does, as by giving them all similar stockings it makes it look like they're from father Christmas and no favouritism.

Your oldest should be grateful, not disappointed. Be careful to not project your own negativity here...

Just focus on the main gifts from you.

It's only every other year.

We had more than one stocking on occasions when we went to one set of grandparents. When we were older this turned into a bit of a tradition and we used to have a small stocking Christmas Eve and a main one Christmas Day.

This. I'd not spoil your MiL fun of doing all stockings for her DGC but I'd do one for my own DC too and open it upstairs. Just hide them better from the other cousins.

@tragichero DH can easily phrase it kindly. The key thing is that it should be for him and OP to decide and inform MiL, not a negotiation or MIL’s choice.

This doesn’t concern MIL’s hosting, where of course if she’s hosting she decides lots of things. It concerns gift giving, where it’s traditionally parents who give stockings (on behalf of santa if doing that): many parents enjoy and want to do it alone.

Found a way round it? Started a new tradition of family stockings on Christmas eve or similar probably. I realise it's difficult and friend's small children have Christmas morning at home, then go to Granny.
Bizarrely I found Mother's Day more difficult. We did our best with both grannies, making sure they were visited on Mother's Day. Not much time in the day for me, silly but also a little sad.

It’s not ‘lovely’ behaviour from MIL!

So many posters suggesting OP’s H continuing to priorities MIL’s feelings and wishes over OP’s - who wants to do the stockings - and his DC. Why?

My late MIL used to do stockings for her adult DC (and me). I thought it was lovely. She did one for DD, but DD knew that the stocking in her bedroom was from Father Christmas and the one from granny was from granny. It was never an issue.

@Gagamama2 I agree that you should just do a stocking in the bedroom first then keep quiet about it. This should be a non issue.

I'm so confused. Do they not write a letter to Santa with what they want for Christmas? Is the stocking an extra to their Santa presents or is it the Santa presents?

@Livelaughlurgy Stockings are from Santa. Presents are from people.

As others have said, I think you should do stockings and give them to your children either before you go or when you get back (extra from Santa for being extra good?). Your MIL is clearly getting a great deal of pleasure from making and filling the stockings, spoiling it for her would be distinctly un-Christmassy!

I do the stockings for the grandchildren when they are here but that’s because I offered and their parents were delighted to accept. I thought they might want to do their own but they were just grateful I wanted to do it. I would never just do stockings without asking permission because of the reasons stated by OP.

I'm all for telling parents no and not wanting them to take your traditions (because they had their turn and now it's ours). In this case, I wouldn't stop it. There's a group of grandkids and it's going to be strange if your children don't get one the same way they did. You can still do a stocking. Maybe a 'before we go to granny' one? I think both traditions are able to exist alongside each other. It might be lovely for the children to get both stockings and will make granny happy, as well as giving them the chance to experience the stocking opening with their cousins. This doesn't have to rain on your parade.

Agree with this. Don’t make problems for the sake of once, every other year! Do your own stockings too, either give before u leave, or when get home. Or do upstairs again. If cousins ask your kids, they can say my mum n dad got them for me, no big deal. And if MIL ever gets wind of this, just say you have a tradition of doing your own stockings each year, but that you are ever so grateful for the one she always gets them. It shouldn’t b an issue, its just Xmas presents from their own parents like the other cousins will b getting, but just presented in a stocking!

I would never have thought of doing a stocking for grandchildren until I read this. This is what the parents do.

Offer to help her with all of the stockings.
Sounds like a massive job for someone hosting too. That way, everyone is more likely to get gifts they'll want, and you can put what ever you want in your kids'.

I wouldn't drop out my own family for a woman that does what your mil is doing. She's had Christmas with her own kids. Move the big meetup to Easter instead. I bet the others will thank you for it.

Op doesn't think think it's lovely and neither would I. The eldest won't be grateful, she thinks it's from FC and is wondering why he hasn't got her anything personal to herself this year.

It's completely different and more enjoyable if the children are teenagers and know it's from Granny.

“I would prefer most of the stuff they receive at Christmas to be stuff they want or need.”

OP, can’t you say it MIL, “I know you love doing the stockings, but DC1 wants a …. And DC2 has asked for …., so I will get them to put in their stockings. Then it’s up to her to say either that she will get whatever is wanted, or that yes, you can add that to their stockings. As a DGM, I normally get a few bits for my DGC’s stockings, which are primarily put together by the parents. My DIL said please would I not as she likes to do her DC’s stockings herself - that is absolutely fine and her prerogative, so I just put such bits as would otherwise be in their stockings under the tree with a name on. In our house, the stockings are left by the fireplace, but the DGC can get them whenever their parents get up. I think it’s mean to make children wait until everyone has come down - adult DC who don’t have children don’t tend to want to get up at dawn!

A classic example of how ungrateful kids have become.

Stockings from Santa are the ones MIL does.

nothing to stop you doing a hamper of gifts for the dc from you that they have upstairs to open before going down to Santa gifts and tree presents from family.

That way it’s all kept separate, it explains why they got that extra stuff and all grandkids get the same.

but I also don’t think it harms kids to get basic stockings they aren’t expecting every other year tbh

Yanbu. She’s had her chance to do stockings for her own kids and it’s your turn now. Doing a stocking - putting the thought into little things that you know will excite them is one of the privileges of being a mum for me.

Tell MIL that you’re happy to use the lovely stockings she’s made but you’re going to choose and buy the things to go inside them yourself.