MIL wants to do my kids Christmas stockings…again

[Gagamama2]

I’m prepared to get flamed here as being an ungrateful first-world-problem twat, but hear me out (and please flame me gently if I need it):

My kids are 9, 7 and 6. We spend alternate Christmases between both sets of grandparents houses as they live hours from each other. This year it’s our turn to go to my parents in laws place, along with the rest of the large extended family (my partner is one of 5).

Every year that we go to his parents place, my MIL insists on doing all the grandkids stockings. Both providing them (they are beautiful ones she has sewn) and filling them. The first year I was a bit sad about this as had looked forward to doing my own kids stocking so I made him one that we opened with him upstairs in our room before we all went downstairs and did the “real” stockings with the other grandkids that are hung by the fire. But it was akward and when the older grandkids saw my son’s second stocking upstairs there were questions. Since then I’ve shut up and accepted the grandma stocking for my kids every other year.

the last time we were there they really fell flat for my eldest. The younger two didn’t mind so much but he (like all kids I guess) fixates on the stocking in the run up to Christmas and is incredibly excited about what will be inside. We don’t put expensive stuff in there on the years it’s our turn to do it, but he does get things he really wants. We don’t go crazy about the big gifts either (each kids gets up to three presents from us), so the stocking forms quite a big part of the day.

grandma sees my kids once a year and doesn’t reallly know them aside from knowing the basics like grandson is sporty, Granddaughter is arty, etc. all the grandkids get the same presents in the stocking bar little tweaks, like they will all get a book but they will get diffferent books. This leads to none of the stockings being particularly personal / relevant to any of the kids.

i would really like to ask MiL not to do my kids stockings this year but I don’t know if this is warranted / appropriate. It’s probably the last year my eldest will actually believe in the big man as well. What would you guys do??

Yes my best Christmas memories are the net stocking that my grandad filled with sweets every week in the run up to Christmas like a bounty one week marathon the next for 4 grandkids then added apples and satsumas on Xmas eve and some coins. That was the best stocking.
Then presents were at the end of the bed in a pillowcase and out of it if they were big.
I don't really get Ops problem.

We have had the same problem for 16 years! So I think whatever you want to change, start doing it from now or the time will fly by before you know it. The first thing is to get your DH on board. I explained to mine that I loved the way we chose small thoughtful things for stockings and didn't want to miss out on doing that for our kids when both of our Mums had already had that fun for their own.

We compromised down to bringing half of the presents each time, and bringing our own stockings because I'd sewn them and wanted us to have our own traditions too.

Truthfully, I'm still gearing up to say that this year we want to just bring 100% of the stocking presents for our kids! It's ridiculous really. It's all coming from a kind place, and we love MIL and don't want to hurt her feelings, but equally I don't want to look back when our kids have children and be resentful that they're off to create their own traditions and we didn't get a chance to have ours.
Good luck!

Is there a reason you only see MIL once a year?

That's all fine in your own house, isn't it? In other people's houses you roll with the traditions there, surely or it causes problems and I can't see why that would be helpful.
We all want children to have a lovely time at Christmas but honestly, I see no point in rigid rules. My DD wouldn't have minded at all and we'd have done our own thing if needful, another day.

Just do your own stocking too!

the kids are either young enough to not understand (you wrote to Santa to tell them you wouldn’t be at home?!) or old enough to just go along with it.

it sounds like your MIL is trying to do something nice, and it’s part of her Christmas. And additional stocking can surely only add to your children’s enjoyment. I would maybe feel differently if she was asking you not to do your own but it sounds like this hasn’t been discussed.

Oh my good God, your kids are 9, 7, and 6 - how old will they be before you start doing YOUR OWN christmas taditions???? STOP GOING TO GRANDMAS! This, of all times, is when you as a family, should be in your own home. Go before, or after, but have Christmas day in your own home, doing your own traditions, that the kids will remember with love. YOU are the family, and yes, there are extensions of that with aunts, uncles, grandma's etc, but you've got yourself into a rut by ALWAYS leaving your own home, to go visiting the grandparents, on such a special time. Time to stop now. Once we had children, WE decided what was best for us, and it wasn't to go packing ourselves up and trekking off to relatives! *Imagine your kids as adults saying "growing up, we never spent even one Christmas in our own home". "I have to hide my sons Christmas stocking" try saying that out loud and see how ridiculous it sounds.

part of the problem is I hate waste and to see nearly an entire (large) stockings worth of stuff per child mostly unused and binned throughout the year is galling. Also 3 kids with Christmas, birthdays, little Easter gifts each etc etc - our house gets v full v quick and it’s me who has to constantly cycle things in and out of it so we don’t get swamped. I would prefer most of the stuff they receive at Christmas to be stuff they want or need.

I always felt exactly the same.

My ex mil thought the most important that was seeing a huge pile of gifts just for them. What was inside was largely irrelevant. The pile of wrapped gifts was the magic in her eyes. It was the TV movie moment of wide eyed wonder and gasps of joy she aimed for.

I preferred a much smaller pile of things they actually wanted or needed. But she thought that lacked magic.

Just different ways of seeing it I suppose.

The necessary day after boxing day trawl through hundreds of things into keep and donate piles felt.completely mercenary but was necessary as so much of it was unsuitable and I had nowhere to keep it.

I think you have to go with MILs traditions while you are in her house and she is hosting Christmas. Agree it’s great all the cousins get the same type of value etc. your kids should learn to be patient and fit in with others plans in their house, it’s common courtesy.
keep your stocking at home for when you return and tell them “someone” had sent you a message to say a stocking has been delivered to your house too.
This will be a nothing in a few years when they all learn who Santa is.
Due to the disparity in wealth at our schools when we were kids and not understanding why some kids got mountains and others got scraps, we told our DCs that the parents paid for the presents which Santa then chooses from the budget/list to explain why not everyone gets loads.
nothing worse than thinking you’ve been bad because in comparison you got hardly any presents when you’re back in school talking about what santa brought - it’s a massive lie that causes lots of problems

No drama between us and MiL…her and FIL have just chosen to live a certain way, lots of travelling / homes abroad. They are always welcome to come and visit. We have a big family meet up at theirs once a year, either at Christmas or Easter. MIL loves having all the family get together and will chat a bit with me on WhatsApp throughout the year but isn’t bothered about having close relationships with any of the grandkids, she likes to view from afar. She’s always made it clear she’s raised her own 5 and is not keen to do any kind of care for the grandkids. even odd babysitting is out for mine as there are 3 of them; she will occasionally babysit for one of her kids who just has one child. I don’t really have a problem with any of that

Maybe if you saw your mother-in-law more often than once a year she wouldn't make such a big deal out of Christmas.

Absolutely do this, I can’t believe how many people are saying that you’re not unreasonable.
I think it’s a really unkind and thoughtless to ask her not to do it, she obviously loves doing it, it’s only every other year and she must put a lot into it to do so many.
Just have an early Christmas surprise night before you go if you insist on ‘doing a stocking’ since when has it been such a big thing anyway!
I just do not understand why kind thoughtful MIL get constant grief for doing something kind and thoughtful.

I actually think she is bang out line, but if the rest of the family are going along with it, and you have too previously, then it makes it much more difficult for you to question it now.
So either have your own stocking for your children at home , before or after the visit, or give your dc the little presents you want to but not in a stocking. They can be in a special box or something. If your DC then talk about it to their cousins, they won’t be ruining the Santa illusion, if that’s what the deal is.
You can bet the other parents are giving their own children Xmas presents, it’s just a question of when and where. I think I’d be talking to the other in-laws to see what they do ( not MiLs children, but their spouses).

Aw this sounds tricky and I feel your pain. But on the other hand, how lovely that the cousins have their gang together, and I feel that the importance of that (& them receiving roughly equal things to the other cousins) probably outweighs the specialness of what’s in their stockings. When they’re older and look back on their childhood I’m sure they will remember how much fun it was to have those matching similar stockings at their grandmother’s house with their cousins, rather than remembering the specific stocking fillers.
I do agree with you though that, in return for getting her way, the grandmother needs to up her game and know what each child specifically likes. I think you are well within your rights to send her a list, eg book recommendations for your kids.
How about you message her to say you’re happy to buy all your own kids fillers now, as they’re becoming more particular, so you could bring it all and secretly pass the fillers to her when you arrive. …or if she insists on funding it (as she may well do to ensure she is treating all her grandchildren fairly) you can send her links to what your DC would like.

I believe that the stocking is the parents job, she could use one of 1000's of Christmas boxes that are on sale.
I'd probably suck it for the sake of it but I wouldn't like it.

I feel for you OP, I love putting together my kids stockings - don’t spend lots just spend ages finding cute little things I know they will love, making stuff etc.

when do you go there - is it near enough to Xmas itself that you could do a special “home delivery” stocking in your own house before you leave?

Well exactly and OP is never in her house. I would not be entertaining it. PILs Can't be arsed the rest of the year and want to take the best bits.

It's not really relevant if your DD didn't mind. What would you have done if she did mind?

I would do your own stockings privately upstairs and then the grandma stockist are just her gift to them. That way it matters less if contents are off the mark. If other kids questions just say in our house father Christmas leaves the stockings upstairs for the kids, these are granrma stockings. Tell your Mil that it's getting confusing for the kids so these are from her.

I think you are making too big a deal
of this.

Something that you might be interested in, a tradition we had as children, which I now do with mine. We've always called it the "12 days of Christmas".
On Christmas day, usually in the evening, they are presented with a sack each of 12 presents, numbered 1-12. Starting on Christmas day evening, they open present number 1... and so on until twelfth night when they open present labelled number 12...
Basically, that's the kids stockings. We loved it growing up, because it kept the presents coming until we were back at school. The presents are only little stocking filler things. Most of my 2's bits this year came from Temu. Almost-9yo twins... DD has got some colourful hair extensions to tie in, nail stickers, a "how to draw" art book, etc. DS has got a puzzle book, a robot that transforms into a pen, a magic trick, etc.

You could do something similar with your kids, once you're back at home. That way you still get the excitement of a stocking of your choosing, that your kids actually enjoy.

I'd give my kids an early stocking. But I understand it takes away from the Christmas magic a little.

You’re right of course, saying that about the stocking is ridiculous!

my partners family all live quite spread out and mil/fil live nearly 4 hours away. We all get together at theirs once every other year to get the family all together. My kids absolutely love having Christmas with their cousins (there are 10 of them all similar ages). So while I do want to have Christmas at our own house I also don’t want to ruin this set up for everyone.

on the years when it’s my parents turn we will be able to have more of it at ours as they only live 1/2 hr away. Their house is bigger than ours plus more comfortable / practical for my own grandad to stay at as he is 93 and in a wheelchair so we have tended to go round there and stay the night so we can all have a drink on Christmas Eve and not have to drive home. But I can look at those years and try to work out a way of staying at ours more going forward.

I’d go for this and just avoid all the drama. The kids have something exciting to look forward to at home and everybody is happy. There are too many people involved to rock the boat on this one without looking like an asshole.

I’m not sure I understand. I know everyone one does Xmas different. We do “stockings” in the morning, which are very cheap and “stocking filler” style presents and then after lunch, main presents.

Perhaps introduce main presents from the stockings on your year with your in laws. No need to call it another stocking.

My kids would have had no problem with double stockings either before or after Christmas . It’s good for kids to experience different traditions it doesn’t take anything away . Have yourselves a festive day at home with the stockings and a Christmas film .

Finally we are getting there.

Well either go along with it and enjoy her Xmas and do your own in another day at home or stay at home.
I couldn't be bothered putting myself out at Xmas for someone who does their own thing the rest of the year.