To feel slightly miffed about paying for a dress now?

[confusedlady10]

My close friend is getting married in Thailand and she has asked me to be a bridesmaid. At first I was going to decline as I couldn’t afford to travel that far out for the wedding for 7 days (single mum on low income) but got a small bonus from work and used it to pay part of the flights/trip and took out a credit card to pay the rest. because she’s paying for the accommodation for everyone it made it a bit easier for me financially to change my decision. Her background is Indian and she has gone back home to pick out her dresses and bridesmaid dresses, and sent me the one her and her family have chosen. The dresses cost £250 each and tbf they are stunning. She then said she would get mine and I could transfer her when she came back to the UK.

I was in shock due to the price and asked if I would be able to find something cheaper myself which she has accepted. I asked my other friend who is Indian (separate friendships) if she knew any nice shops to buy a cheap Indian style bridesmaid dress. She gave me a few but again out of my budget which is max £80. However she brought up that in Indian culture the bride always pays for the dresses and was in shock that I am having to pay out of pocket. I told her I don’t mind too much as long as the price is fair and don’t know anything much about this as their culture.

But her reaction made me think maybe it is a bit unreasonable to expect me to pay for the dress in the first place (my own objections are regardless of culture). The dress my friend has picked is very high quality and has lots of embellishments in a certain beautiful shade and I’m worried I wont be able to afford a dress that can match and look nearly as nice as the other bridesmaids and will stick out like a sore thumb. I will have to suck it up and just buy something cheap but do feel a bit miffed and I'm struggling to find anything so far.

YABU- You should should not feel miffed to pay for a dress no matter the quality.
YANBU - She should be paying for the dress.

You'll find something secondhand. The wedding will be an amazing, once in a lifetime experience. I hope you have a fantastic time.

Your friend shouldn't be asking you to be a bridesmaid and then expecting you to pay for your own dress. Is she going to expect you to pay for your own shoes, hair and makeup too??!!! Unfortunately, I think there is a real danger that you will stick out like a sore thumb, if you don't have the same dress, or at least equal in quality. Honestly, I would explain to your friend that yiu simply can't afford to spend the money, and the flights/spending money is taking you to your maximum. You will have to be there as a guest, but decline the bridesmaid role. You can then buy yourself a wedding guest outfit on Vinted or something. It's not worth getting yourself into debt over. For the record, I paid for my bridesmaid's dresses, shoes, jewellery, flowers, hair and a taxi home in the evening!! They only paid for their own makeup.

Try Vinted, you may find something there at a good price.

Honestly look on Vinted, I’m married to a Pakistani man and need to dress up regularly for weddings but I don’t want the big price tags. I buy on there, most have been worn once and you can take it to a tailor to get it fitted.

A few hundred over a few months isn't going to break me I assure you. The flights are around £1.2 return and she is paying for the accommodation. My bonus is covering half (ish) so I am not paying much back on my credit card over month tbh.

A debt that isn't long term. It will be paid off in a few months.

Why quibble over the £250 dress then?

Because factoring in paying off a credit card spread out over months for a once in a life time wedding/holiday is different to stumping up £250 in one go for a single dress I'll only be wearing once.

And literally nothing you could have better spent the money on op? Saving for rent or towards mortgage? A holiday with your son? Savings (presumably you have none or minimal if having to put this on CC?)?

It's part of the cost and trivial to that of flights. Suck it up or give over. No point complaining then getting all defensive!

I had planned and factored in the costs of the wedding, she is paying for the accommodation. After my bonus, I'll only be spreading the rest over a few months with a credit card. It's stumping up for a dress I'll only be wearing once, that's the issue.

What does your dad think about this op?

Not trying to be defensive, which is why I have asked if IABU to feel this way. Clearly I am based on yours and a few other ppls response. Will just have to find a cheap dress because I can't afford £250 and would hate to not be a bridesmaid. If she has an issue with my dress there isn't much I can do really. she does mention my choice with any concerns I may ask to be a guest. Thank you.

@confusedlady10is this a zero interest credit card?

The happy couple used to pay for bridesmaid’s clothes. Just go as a guest.

Is there anywhere that sells second hand dresses of the type you need? That could be your best option for getting decent quality and cheap.

My dad offered to pay for the birthday, and is well off and can easily afford it. I protested and he insisted and did so for my son's benefit. My son has plenty of toys and books (there's so much from friends and family and myself that there's no space!) He has so much school uniform as it isn't expensive and he doesn't grow out of it quickly. He has been on many cheap European flights to visit family, and many holidays.

My ex and I co-parent fine, doesn't mean he agrees with me doing certain things and even if I wanted, I highly doubt he would allow me to take my son to Thailand for a week alone as we have had arguments of a similar nature before, but came to an agreement regarding holidays and locations. My son has never and would never go without, and this is the first ever adult holiday I have been on alone and would like to treat myself. If I couldn't afford the flights for the wedding I wouldn't have agreed.

It's the sudden £250 for a one time dress that would stump me because I am by no means destitute, just not on an income to where I can splurge like that.

I'm sure she realises she 'could' have spent it on her kids... But she wants to attend her (cf) friend's wedding

No it has interest, not huge, but I can factor it into my pay as it would only be for a few months. My bonus paid the rest. All together the flights are one payment of £1.2k return.

You are in debt. Credit cards ARE debt.

Holy moly do people not realise this?

A short term debt that will be paid off in a few months. Not a long term debt saddling me down like people who are dissecting my choices and finances seem to think! It's around £600 left to pay considering my bonus paid the rest, and she is paying for the food and accommodation. I won't be going hungry or destitute for a wedding/holiday. It's just the £250 dress that surprised me. Will have to chalk up the awkwardness and pay for a cheap dress. May look on Vinted. I could have saved my bonus for something else like I do most years, but have decided to treat myself.

He couldn't care less and haven't brought it up to him.

Hell would freeze over before I would even dream of asking a bridesmaid to pay for their bridesmaid dress!!!! I think that's outrageous! The bride and groom are the ones who decided to get married, that doesn't mean they get to inflict horrific debts upon their bridesmaids/guests. Their wedding - they pay for it!!! I'm cringing that they expect this of you. I paid for all of my bridesmaid dresses, shoes and hair/make up.

And actually, the same goes for expensive destination weddings - so entitled to expect people to find thousands of pounds to attend these events with no consideration for the financial situation of those guests. So selfish. People can decline the invite of course but will always feel awkward doing so and shouldn't be put in that position.

He has been on many cheap European flights to visit family, and many holidays.

But not with you for “years”

Thank you, this made me feel a lot better! She's not judgy at all but I felt bad knowing the quality wouldn't be the same. I'm sure me attending is all that matters, I'll look on Vinted, see if I can thrift around.