To feel slightly miffed about paying for a dress now?

[confusedlady10]

My close friend is getting married in Thailand and she has asked me to be a bridesmaid. At first I was going to decline as I couldn’t afford to travel that far out for the wedding for 7 days (single mum on low income) but got a small bonus from work and used it to pay part of the flights/trip and took out a credit card to pay the rest. because she’s paying for the accommodation for everyone it made it a bit easier for me financially to change my decision. Her background is Indian and she has gone back home to pick out her dresses and bridesmaid dresses, and sent me the one her and her family have chosen. The dresses cost £250 each and tbf they are stunning. She then said she would get mine and I could transfer her when she came back to the UK.

I was in shock due to the price and asked if I would be able to find something cheaper myself which she has accepted. I asked my other friend who is Indian (separate friendships) if she knew any nice shops to buy a cheap Indian style bridesmaid dress. She gave me a few but again out of my budget which is max £80. However she brought up that in Indian culture the bride always pays for the dresses and was in shock that I am having to pay out of pocket. I told her I don’t mind too much as long as the price is fair and don’t know anything much about this as their culture.

But her reaction made me think maybe it is a bit unreasonable to expect me to pay for the dress in the first place (my own objections are regardless of culture). The dress my friend has picked is very high quality and has lots of embellishments in a certain beautiful shade and I’m worried I wont be able to afford a dress that can match and look nearly as nice as the other bridesmaids and will stick out like a sore thumb. I will have to suck it up and just buy something cheap but do feel a bit miffed and I'm struggling to find anything so far.

YABU- You should should not feel miffed to pay for a dress no matter the quality.
YANBU - She should be paying for the dress.

Because he is school aged and I share co-parenting. My son is 5. He will live without going on a holiday every single year.

Not really. Being on a low income means I don't have £250 to splurge on a dress I'll only wear once. That was my point. Not as to whether I can afford the holiday which I had already planned financially and factored in with my bonus and a short term credit card that will be paid over a period with part of my pay. Not sure why people are dissecting my finances and choices over this when it wasn't the point of my post tbh. A £1.2k once in a life time (for me anyway) holiday to Thailand for 7 days that I am really only paying £600 for spread out over months isn't going to break me forever. Not trying to back track at all...

you said “I haven’t been on holiday for years”. So presumably you haven’t been on holiday with your son for years.

anyway… that’s not really the point.

Saying you’re a low income single parent and then saying you’ve spanked the cost a friend’s wedding on a credit card - well, yep, it does seem reckless and like money could be better spent.

You are totally chilled about it, so enjoy 🤷‍♀️

1.2K seems so expensive for flights. Is is just you going?

Is that a crime? My son has been on plenty of holidays throughout his life. The last time he went on holiday was before he turned 4. I haven't been on an adult holiday ever so me saving up during that time and planning for this is something I chose and wanted. I just didn't expect my friend to spring a £250 dress on me that I'll only wear once. That was my AIBU. Nothing else.

How much is the APR? What will be the final cost of this debt? Significantly more than £1200 certainly!

Me and my sister. She's going as a guest paying for her flight. We spent ages looking for deals and I didn't trust third party sites and wanted to pay extra for rebooking or cancellations in case anything went wrong. That was the cheapest I could find!

No, it isn’t a crime.

It does go to show some think being poor is a moral failing, though.

My bonus is paid for more than half of it. I only have around £600 to pay off now.

In my culture, the brides family pay for everything, so I think people have an audacity to ask people to be part of the bridal party, and then not cover the cost of the clothing!

I paid for all bridesmaids dresses (bespoke £500 each), all their shoes, cost of dying the shoes, all of their hair. We did our own makeup. There is not a chance I would ask someone to be a bridesmaid and then get them to buy their own dress!!

If I were you, I'd tell the bride, "when you asked me to be bridesmaid, I had thought that you'd be covering the cost of the outfit. I'm really sorry, but I cannot afford it, so I'll come as a guest instead. Hope you understand, love you xx" or words to that affect.

ETA, it's even more audacious to ask the bridal party to pay for their own outfits when it's an overseas wedding, what with the cost of flights etc. At least she's paying for the accommodation, but really she should be paying for the dress and shoes too.

Had no idea people felt that those on a low income don't deserve to treat themselves every now and again or like it's a bad thing. A low income doesn't mean someone is poor or is unable to budget for themselves!

That's exactly what my Indian friend said, she was in shock! Hers was from a cultural standpoint. At first I didn't see the issue, then the more I thought about it I thought, is it normal to pay for the dress, especially at that price?

on that basis, none of us should go to the hairdresser, on days out, buy anything that's not a basic as long as we have a mortgage.

A fabulous holidays is not a waste of money, as long as you keep reasonable expectations and don't get too disappointed because you were unrealistic.

I would still rather save towards than pay back if I was the OP.

I would say you need to step back from the bridesmaid role and see what she says. She may offer to pay part or whole of it. I do find it unusual to make a bridesmaid pay for their dress.

Just a note about the credit card, if you’ve now been paying it for a while your credit score may have changed and suitability for other card offers may have changed so you might now be able to switch to a card with a better or 0% interest rate.

that's not what people are saying to be fair.

But spending money you don't have, and having to put a holiday on a credit card and pay interests on top is not the wisest move.

it doesn't matter what your income is, if you can't afford something, you can't afford it.

those on a low income don't deserve to treat
it's not about deserving, why do you say that? Most of us can't afford the ultra-luxurious holidays taken by Will and Kate, not because we don't deserve them, but because we simply don't earn enough.

Could you hire something suitable? Or do they resell well on Vinted or similar so you could get something back against the initial outlay? I do agree with others that the sensible thing to do is actually discuss with her the fact that this whole wedding is a bit beyond you financially. If she kicks off then what sort of a friend actually is she? I'd never dream of dragging friends halfway round the world at their own expense for my big day but that's just me...

@confusedlady10 I don't know what style of dress it is, but I use this website. I'm not Indian but have been to a good few Indian weddings (admittedly not as a bridesmaid) and I got some lovely things from here https://www.rupalionline.com/shop/women-fashion/churidar-salwar-trouser-suits

You're obviously new here then lol

Thank you. I didn't realise a treat on a low income was a crime to some. I have some small savings (in a fixed long term pot) but just don't have the kinda pay cheque that I can buy a £250 dress out of it I'll only wear once. A low income doesn't mean someone cannot budget or is necessarily poor or destitute. Spreading £600 over the cost of a few months isn't going to leave me without! My son has his own savings pot, doesn't go without and has been on many holidays and outings and my ex pays his fair share of CMS. A £600 bonus once a year isn't something I should be relying in life anyway.

Thank you, I'll check it out!

But I do earn enough to pay it off over time. £600 over a few months won't break my bank and will help boost my credit score at the same time. People don't put things like holidays, building work or cars on credit cards? What are they for then? I am on a low income yes, I am not poor no and can factor in a holiday as a grown adult as a once in a life time treat. If I couldn't viably afford it, I wouldn't go.

You could be up front and say, you hate being awkward, but being totally honest had assumed the bridesmaid's dress was included. See if she backtracks herself or opens up, maybe costs escalated and she's got herself in a pickle.
You could also take the opportunity to confirm there are no other costs coming your way or you will have to re-consider.
I personally - even on a low income - would take the hit (£80-£250, whatever) for the sake of the friendship. Weddings do CRAZY things to people and all sorts of great friendships are broken by them totally unnecessarily.

Those going on about whether you can afford it or not - people on low incomes can go on trips and spend money how they like!! Millions of people spend money 'unwisely' all the time, it just depends what you can justify to yourself. Every time you have a takeaway, a glass of wine, take a taxi, these are options you have to avoid spending. But even on a low income you can find ways to enjoy yourself - don't spend on A, B and C and you can spend on D. It's not rocket science.

But OP, get yourself an interest free credit card for next time, there's plenty about and it's silly spending on interest when you don't have to.
I got one a couple of years ago and it's really helped, then when the time expired (I'd already paid it all off), I cancelled it and got another. I plan its use carefully so that I consider it like a proper obligation, a real debt to clear - how much I'm going to pay back over what period, and do it. Eg I got myself an £800 laptop, and paid it off over 4 months. Credit cards also offer good protection on big spend items.

This 💯