To feel slightly miffed about paying for a dress now?

[confusedlady10]

My close friend is getting married in Thailand and she has asked me to be a bridesmaid. At first I was going to decline as I couldn’t afford to travel that far out for the wedding for 7 days (single mum on low income) but got a small bonus from work and used it to pay part of the flights/trip and took out a credit card to pay the rest. because she’s paying for the accommodation for everyone it made it a bit easier for me financially to change my decision. Her background is Indian and she has gone back home to pick out her dresses and bridesmaid dresses, and sent me the one her and her family have chosen. The dresses cost £250 each and tbf they are stunning. She then said she would get mine and I could transfer her when she came back to the UK.

I was in shock due to the price and asked if I would be able to find something cheaper myself which she has accepted. I asked my other friend who is Indian (separate friendships) if she knew any nice shops to buy a cheap Indian style bridesmaid dress. She gave me a few but again out of my budget which is max £80. However she brought up that in Indian culture the bride always pays for the dresses and was in shock that I am having to pay out of pocket. I told her I don’t mind too much as long as the price is fair and don’t know anything much about this as their culture.

But her reaction made me think maybe it is a bit unreasonable to expect me to pay for the dress in the first place (my own objections are regardless of culture). The dress my friend has picked is very high quality and has lots of embellishments in a certain beautiful shade and I’m worried I wont be able to afford a dress that can match and look nearly as nice as the other bridesmaids and will stick out like a sore thumb. I will have to suck it up and just buy something cheap but do feel a bit miffed and I'm struggling to find anything so far.

YABU- You should should not feel miffed to pay for a dress no matter the quality.
YANBU - She should be paying for the dress.

Have you looked on Vinted or marketplace? You might find something suitable.

But she’s very unreasonable expecting bridesmaids to pay £250 for an outfit they will likely never wear again and will struggle to sell on top of travelling all the way to Thailand. Just tell her £250 is too expensive. Surely she can find cheaper dresses in India.

Is hiring a dress an option?

I agree 100%. I couldn't find an interest free credit card at the time and only qualified for this one so took it but will try another maybe once paying this one off. I rarely drink, rarely party or go out, don't wear make up/buy clothes or go on dates. I am a penny pincher in general and would much rather an amazing wedding and holiday in Thailand and have budgeted for it. Just not a one off £250 dress I'll wear once. Will take the hit and maybe increase my budget up to around £120 for it. Than you.

I do agree that a holiday is worth it, I said that earlier,

but to answer your question, no, I don't put holidays on credit cards. House (mortgage), car (loan) possibly, and at worst emergency building work are the only thing I would go into debt for.

I am more into "saving first, spending later".

Hadn't considered that! Will look into it thank you.

The OP came to ask if a Bride asking a Bridesmaid to spend 250 on a bridesmaid dress is acceptable, she didn't come on to give a spreadsheet of her finances, can't believe people are going back through old posts to catch her out on money previous issues.
Hope you find a dress OP the link the PP posted looks great and very reasonable prices.
If you go to the Style and Beauty board I'm sure you'd get loads of help picking a dress, people are definitely more helpful there.

I wouldn’t put anything it on a credit card, perhaps you should have just old her that you won’t be going.

Fair enough. I'm into both when wanted and can budget for it. I don't spend often on myself and I can afford it after planning it. I'm not rich by any means and it's the dress that was my issue. Thank you.

OP, I know your friend said it was OK to buy a cheaper dress but I would send her photos of the one you choose just in case. Indian weddings are a very serious business and extravagant with a capital E. You really don't want to be embarrassed when you get there. Personally I wouldn't be going at all in case there's any backlash about your choice of clothing. And also, bear in mind, the expense really won't just stop there.

Bridesmaids are not a thing in Indian weddings. Have a look on Vinted if you want something that looks high end but fraction of the price. You could also put back on Vinted if you are unlikely to wear again.

Also ask your friend if you can borrow something Indian style from her given you are close friends if you are similar sizes.

‘ I’m sorry, but I’ve been unable to find a nice enough dress that I can afford, so perhaps it’d be best if you find another bridesmaid, and I’ll just come as a guest.’

I think you should go on the trip. You seem to really be looking forward to it and feel you are able to comfortably repay the money but I really think you’re better off attending as a guest. This sounds like it could get pretty costly for you and whilst a £250 dress is a big ask, in terms of an overseas wedding an unexpected £250 is something that could easily come up and if the price of the dress is causing you this much stress now then best you just keep things simple for yourself.

You’ve organised flights, accommodation sorted, attend as a guest, buy a cheap dress you can afford, wear some heels and a bag you already own and pack holiday clothes you already have.

Oh of course, I'll send her my choice prior for sure. It just won't be nearly as extravagant. I'm hoping I can find an identical colour and blend in the background of the pictures! I know Indian weddings can be very extravagant and stunning, and my main issue was sticking out. I really want to be a bridesmaid and be there for her so will discuss it delicately with her with some choices. Thank you.

She shouldn't be asking you to pay for anything wedding related that she has decided on. It's such poor etiquette and made even worse by the fact it is a destination wedding that you can't really afford to attend. I'd either pull out entirely or I'd tell her what she is asking you to pay on top of travel is too much. If she was a close friend who knew you well and valued your friendship she wouldn't put you in such an awkward position to start with. She should be embarrassed.

I paid for all my bridesmaids dresses (I had 3) as well as their bouquets, hair on the day and even bought them matching necklaces as a present too. They were fine with doing their own make up as they didn’t wear much anyway and my budget didn’t stretch to make up. She should absolutely be covering the cost of your dress regardless but even more so due to the fact you have to pay for travel to do this role. Confrontation is hard but it doesn’t need to be a confrontation per se, you just need to explain your budget limits and be comfortable with that because there is no point stressing out over money for a dress you will literally wear one time. Be strong and tell her the truth, it’s nothing to be ashamed about, I’d say most people would find it hard to stomach paying £250 for a bridesmaid dress you will wear once.

I can afford to attend, it's more the extra cost I didn't expect and thought she'd be paying for the dress. I completely get where you are coming from though 100%!

I think this will be the tip of the iceberg. There will be other costs and I don’t see how you can afford it if you’re already using credit. Can you cancel? If not I’d just be honest.

I’ve never had anyone pay for a bridesmaid dress and I didn’t pay for my bridesmaids.

I have always felt it is the height of utter cheeky fuckery to expect your guests to pay hundreds or thousands of pounds to attend your wedding, unless you move in a circle of millionaires. A wedding local to where you live or were raised, with good transport options so everyone can more or less go home to sleep in their own bed!

I have always felt it is the height of utter cheeky fuckery to expect your guests to pay hundreds or thousands of pounds to attend your wedding, unless you move in a circle of millionaires. A wedding local to where you live or were raised, with good transport options so everyone can more or less go home to sleep in their own bed!

I had factored in the wedding with my pay, bonus and credit card and only have around £600 to pay now. It's the last minute dress price I didn't expect. Looking now I can't find any nice dresses as good quality as my friend's dress.

The OP being a single mum on a low income bunging this holiday on a credit card is like the opening scene of a depressing Mike Leigh gritty British drama.

OP I have to agree with everyone else, it sounds silly to have booked this trip. You clearly can't afford it. No one is saying you don't deserve it.

You couldn't get an interest free card.
You are using it to improve a credit score
You have low income
There's evidence you struggle some months (from the party comment).
These are all red flags that your financial position is crap.

You've taken out a debt of around £600. If you pay off at £50 a month it's likely to take you over 12 months. I can't imagine you can afford £300 a month to to clear before Christmas, or even £200 a month, but forgive me if I'm wrong. If you could you wouldn't be worrying about the dress.

You will also be down £50 or whatever your payment is every month making each month harder. Christmas soon.

You will also need to save for holiday spends. Even at £100 a day that's £700 you'll need to save in the next 12 months on top of paying off a debt.

The dress isn't the issue. The bride should be paying this, as the majority of replies have said.

Take this on board OP

seriously

Not being able to get an interest free credit card…. That is not a good sign regarding your how low your “I’m on a low income” really is

I have at no point said I am struggling. I simply said I am a single mother on a low income who cannot afford to splurge £250 on a dress I'll only wear once and not likely easily sell.

I paid for 10 people to attend my sons birthday party and had no issues paying. My dad (who is well off and can easily afford it), insisted for my son's benefit and chose to pay for a class party instead and matched my amount to double the kids attending.

I have some small savings in a fixed account and one for my son and pay in regularly. I have a regular pay every month. I have no large debts, rarely go out and my son doesn't go without and has been on many holidays in the past before starting school.

My credit score is fine, but could always be improved unless I don't match up with people on here who clearly have a perfect 1000 credit score. Paying off £600 over a few months isn't the end all or be all for a whole holiday to Thailand for 7 days where the food, travel and accommodation throughout my time there will be paid for and I simply mentioned the credit score as an added bonus.

I am a grown adult who can budget for a holiday and if I felt I couldn't afford to go, wouldn't have. The low income/single mother comment was the context as to whether IABU for the dress as a bridesmaid. Not for people to dissect my finances and previous posts as if they know me personally or judge me for choosing to go on my first ever adult holiday I am paying for and budgeted.

If others on a low income choose not to ever spend their money, that is their choice. I am not poor or destitute and decided on this luxury for myself.