To feel slightly miffed about paying for a dress now?

[confusedlady10]

My close friend is getting married in Thailand and she has asked me to be a bridesmaid. At first I was going to decline as I couldn’t afford to travel that far out for the wedding for 7 days (single mum on low income) but got a small bonus from work and used it to pay part of the flights/trip and took out a credit card to pay the rest. because she’s paying for the accommodation for everyone it made it a bit easier for me financially to change my decision. Her background is Indian and she has gone back home to pick out her dresses and bridesmaid dresses, and sent me the one her and her family have chosen. The dresses cost £250 each and tbf they are stunning. She then said she would get mine and I could transfer her when she came back to the UK.

I was in shock due to the price and asked if I would be able to find something cheaper myself which she has accepted. I asked my other friend who is Indian (separate friendships) if she knew any nice shops to buy a cheap Indian style bridesmaid dress. She gave me a few but again out of my budget which is max £80. However she brought up that in Indian culture the bride always pays for the dresses and was in shock that I am having to pay out of pocket. I told her I don’t mind too much as long as the price is fair and don’t know anything much about this as their culture.

But her reaction made me think maybe it is a bit unreasonable to expect me to pay for the dress in the first place (my own objections are regardless of culture). The dress my friend has picked is very high quality and has lots of embellishments in a certain beautiful shade and I’m worried I wont be able to afford a dress that can match and look nearly as nice as the other bridesmaids and will stick out like a sore thumb. I will have to suck it up and just buy something cheap but do feel a bit miffed and I'm struggling to find anything so far.

YABU- You should should not feel miffed to pay for a dress no matter the quality.
YANBU - She should be paying for the dress.

You are in debt, you’ve literally said you’ve used a credit card?

I think it’s stupid and irresponsible of you to have paid for this trip out of a work bonus and the rest on a credit card! You’re a single mum on a low income and you really couldn’t spend your money on something far better?

You were unreasonable to think you could afford to be part of a bridal party at an overseas wedding in your circumstances as a low income single parent.

You spent your bonus and are putting quite a bit on credit cards. That means you can't afford it. You're going to be paying interest when this sum of money could have been used for you and your kid instead of a frivolous, completely unnecessary trip that isn't even a holiday of your choice nor is it within your budget.

Bow out. This is not doable for you.

Are you a people pleaser?

Indian dresses can be very intricate with lots of embellishments that are hand sewn on and that's what makes them expensive. £250 is cheap for what you get but the bride should be paying for the dress and your hair and makeup on the day.

Exactly

single parent low income

that money could have gone to so much better use

You have been on holiday in years and you couldn’t think to take your child on one? I really am amazed by the things people do.

It's a short term debt. Flights are not gonna have me destitute I assure. I am on a low income but not enough to get by or that I can't afford to budget paying off a few hundred for a few months.. The last big expense I have ever paid for was taking DS abroad a few years ago which was fine. It's more finding a dress that will match that quality in a short space of time, and don't have that amount readily to hand. I could pay it off, but that to me would be a bit silly considering I'll only wear it once and it's a traditional style dress. That's why I felt it was a bit unreasonable for me to be paying.

You just write what you just wrote. " I feel really embarrassed to admit that I just can't afford to buy the dress".

Tell your you had to put the flight on a credit card but you can't get the money back so will come to the wedding.

Just be open and honest.

You can't afford to be bridesmaid

The costs won't stop at the dress believe me

Besides which your friend is a CF expecting you to pay for the dress

She should have said this was the expectation BEFORE you accepted

The last holiday I went on was with my DS abroad before he was school aged. He is school aged now and I co-parent with my ex. Finding the time out from work, co-parenting schedules and school to go for a week long holiday somewhere as far (considering our agreement as well) isn't easy. I have taken my son on may local trips and cheap European holidays. When I go to Thailand for my friend's wedding, it will be in a half term (she picked it for this reason) and it landed on my ex's time thankfully anyway.

Just tell your friend that you can be a guest, not a bridesmaid @confusedlady10, it’ll be fine. She’ll appreciate that you’re making the effort to be there on her special day.

One of my friends was a bridesmaid at a destination wedding a few years ago and it stretched her finances-she felt secretly resentful that a close friend had placed these expectations on her, but she didn’t say anything! Don’t be like that, speak up now.

Don’t be embarrassed about her knowing that’s the issue - is she a good friend or not?! You’re a single mum on a low income and you just need to tell her that you would have loved to be a bridesmaid but you are sorry, you just can’t afford to pay for the dress. If she’d still like you to attend as a guest you’d still love to be there on her special day.

This is harsh! An Indian wedding is a fantastically fun experience, especially if you happen to be part of the inner circle, and just because she is a single mum doesn't mean she can't treat herself to some fun experiences once in a while!

I was on your thread about your son’s party and guests… your dad had to step in and pay for the extra kids.

OP, you’ve booked it now 🤷‍♀️ but seriously…. Spanking a few thousand on a destination wedding as a single parent on a low income? Not good

You have one child with an ex and you’re saying the reason you haven’t taken him on holiday is because over the course of a year you and your ex can’t agree a week?

It’s not the single mum that’s the issue per se

it Is the LOW INCOME and SINGLE PARENT

Generally I think the bride and groom should pay for things like bridesmaids dresses. It’s not like you wear them more than once!
She must be a good friend if you are prepared to travel so far for her wedding and be a bridesmaid. So just be honest with her. Explain you simply cannot afford to buy a dress in that budget range, but you are also worried that the dresses within your budget don’t match up to her style/expectation.
You could still attend but as a regular guest?
If your budget was £80 you could offer that and she pay the difference for the dress she wants you to wear?

I think that if she expects you to wear a certain thing, she should pay for it.

I had this situation. Foreign wedding, wanted all bridesmaids to pay to look the same. I refused, she relented. Although she hadn't bought any dresses at that point.

She's spent her work bonus and is going into debt for this fun experience. That's just financially irresponsible when you're a single parent on a low income.

Life is harsh. What's she going to do when something expensive breaks or someone gets ill and she's already paying out hundreds a month to cover her fun experience. She's got a kid. That takes priority. Not going on a somebody else's wedding junket.

If she is a friend, you can tell her that you cannot afford the dress, full stop.

Either you find a cheaper suitable equivalent on Vinted on Shein - to be respectful with the dress code, or you ask her if she has suggestions where you could borrow a dress.

There's always some kind of dress code, even if the bride is not requesting one, even in England you don't turn up in gym legging and a sports bra to a wedding. That's what I mean by dress code,

I agree.

and would feel embarrassed to have to admit that that dress/cost is the issue.

Why?
I only see this on MN. It is not at all shameful to tell someone that something is beyond your budget.

I think you should tell her that you can't afford a dress of similar quality to the ones she has chosen. I would also say that you were surprised to be asked to pay for your own bridesmaid's dress and hadn't included that in your budget for attending (she may feel that as she is paying for food and accommodation it was a fair trade). Tell her how honoured you were to be asked to be a bridesmaid but don't be embarrassed to be honest, she is a close friend and the important thing is that you want to travel a long way to see her get married. (Is she only paying your accommodation because you were going as a bridesmaid?)

I know MN hates this kind of things, but I would try to earn extra money and pay as much as possible before I go, instead of sticking things on my credit card.
Easier to save towards something than paying it back.

No I don't know what side job you can do, because I don't know your hours of work, hours with your son and availability, but even a few hours extra per week make a difference.

If you find time to be on MN, you have time to earn a bit of extra.

@Bloobelly Sadly, some people are vindictive and enjoy making life awkward for their ex.

A friend of mine is in this situation-every time she plans a summer holiday, he kicks up a massive fuss, especially if he has to give permission for the children to leave the country. I suspect he’s angry that she’s doing fine without him and earning enough to afford extras like holidays (he’s self-employed and has pretended that he can’t afford CMS for several years, doesn’t pay a penny).

It’s quite possible that the OP has one of those exes.

Honestly I'd try and get my money back and spend it on a holiday for your ds. Weddings abroad are a big luxury. Couples do understand this when they plan their weddings (unless they're massively unreasonable).

Polite way to word it: "hi friend's name. I am really sorry to do this and you know how important to me our friendship is. The truth is that I have overextended myself booking to come to your wedding and have realised I simply don't have the funds available to come". Send profuse apologies and we'll wishes, buy her a gift or whatever you want.