To feel slightly miffed about paying for a dress now?

[confusedlady10]

My close friend is getting married in Thailand and she has asked me to be a bridesmaid. At first I was going to decline as I couldn’t afford to travel that far out for the wedding for 7 days (single mum on low income) but got a small bonus from work and used it to pay part of the flights/trip and took out a credit card to pay the rest. because she’s paying for the accommodation for everyone it made it a bit easier for me financially to change my decision. Her background is Indian and she has gone back home to pick out her dresses and bridesmaid dresses, and sent me the one her and her family have chosen. The dresses cost £250 each and tbf they are stunning. She then said she would get mine and I could transfer her when she came back to the UK.

I was in shock due to the price and asked if I would be able to find something cheaper myself which she has accepted. I asked my other friend who is Indian (separate friendships) if she knew any nice shops to buy a cheap Indian style bridesmaid dress. She gave me a few but again out of my budget which is max £80. However she brought up that in Indian culture the bride always pays for the dresses and was in shock that I am having to pay out of pocket. I told her I don’t mind too much as long as the price is fair and don’t know anything much about this as their culture.

But her reaction made me think maybe it is a bit unreasonable to expect me to pay for the dress in the first place (my own objections are regardless of culture). The dress my friend has picked is very high quality and has lots of embellishments in a certain beautiful shade and I’m worried I wont be able to afford a dress that can match and look nearly as nice as the other bridesmaids and will stick out like a sore thumb. I will have to suck it up and just buy something cheap but do feel a bit miffed and I'm struggling to find anything so far.

YABU- You should should not feel miffed to pay for a dress no matter the quality.
YANBU - She should be paying for the dress.

Omg it's perfect and the perfect size! I am gonna send it to my friend and see what she thinks. And it's so reasonably priced. Tysm!

Fingers crossed!

@confusedlady10
i understand your perspective regarding the dress. I was the bride last year and one of my bridesmaids and her daughter live in a different country. I recognised that paying for extra accommodation and dresses etc… would be a financial burden for them.

My husband and I choose to pay for the for accommodation and outfits. Funnily enough I was worried about the bridesmaid dresses. My MOH found a perfect dress on Vinted. She paid for it herself and by luck I was able to get the same dress for my friend who lives abroad and for my other bridesmaid in a different colour all from Vinted. Essentially all together the three dresses totalled the cost of one dress if had I purchased them directly from Coast. Plus in their case they can wear the dresses again to other events if they wish.

I think your friend will understand your predicament and concern about spending money on a dress you will wear once and I hope you find something suitable on Vinted.

Wishing you an amazing experience in Thailand to celebrate your friend.

I think one should buy their bridesmaids their dresses.

I don't begrudge someone for asking me to pay for it if it's cheap (£50-100) and I have choice in what I wear.

In your position I'd probably say I can contribute to the dress (£80) but I cannot afford £250 for a dress. If she couldn't pay the rest I'd just say I'm sorry, but I'll have to decline the bridesmaid role.

**I really think it's so unreasonable to just expect someone to pay £250 like that, especially on top of having already paid flights.

It’s not fair that people are having a go at you for just asking a simple question, there no need imo!
good luck with the hunt through Vinted! There are some fantastic bargains on there & you could always sell the dress afterwards!
have fun & take no notice of those who are being obstinate xxx

Even if people felt that my decision was wrong and wanted to focus on that over the dress, equating me into being a selfish bad mother (without knowing my finances or me personally) is quite a shocking stretch. Then people asking what my dad thinks (because he chose to willingly turn my sons birthday into a class party as a well off grown man who can make his own decisions) is a bit much. He has nothing to do with me spending my own money outside of what he wanted to do for his grandson nor would I expect him to. Thank you for your kind words and I agree.

If You can bear to ignore the “noise” on this thread, I’d quite like to hear if your friend likes the dress when you send it to her, and whether you think you will buy it ☺️

Yes, will update you!

You tell your very close friend that you can’t afford the bridesmaid dress she has suggested and she just says… ok??

and you are travelling thousands of miles for this wedding??

What would have been nice would be if she’d said “his love to contribute then, let me know what you were thinking would be reasonable and we will pay the rest” or even better “oh don’t give it another thought, my treat”

She loves it too. Tbh I couldn't find anything that close, it's the EXACT colour and cheaper too definitely in my budget. I ended up buying it! Thank you so much for your help! 😊

That’s great! Thanks to the eagle-eyed pp up there somewhere, what a great find. Hope it fits and looks great, good luck 😀

@confusedlady10 This has works out brilliantly, what a beautiful dress!

Brilliant news, what a result! I'm so glad you didn't listen to all the people lecturing you on how to manage your own money and hope you have a fab holiday, looking amazing in your beautiful dress. You could even pop it back on Vinted when you get home and it might end up not costing you a penny.

Oh I am glad she liked it. We saved a fortune by buying from Vinted. These are beautiful outfits that have only been worn a matter of hours!

I’m so glad you got something you love @confusedlady10but I still think the bride should pay for it.

Glad you’ve found something OP in your budget. You’ve been a lovely friend to make it work and still make the bride happy.

this has been one of the funniest threads I’ve read in a while. I’ve been on 3 abroad wedding holidays, two of which me and DH had to stick on credit cards. All paid shortly after, 0% interest. The audience of this thread probably think I’m an absolute down and out Why turn down an amazing experience to enjoy a week in Thailand, accomodation/food paid for for the sake of £600 which you know you can pay off over a few months and whilst your son enjoys a holiday with his dad. No brainer have a fab time!

Thank you! Definitely learned my lesson to never be a single mum on a low income and go holiday on Mumsnet ever again hahaha.

Because it's a destination wedding in Thailand that she invited me to. If she wasn't paying there's no way I would have gone and she knew that. And I wasn't complaining, I just didn't expect to pay for the dress no matter where the wedding was as I assumed the bride pays for these things, which is why I asked. On one hand many people have called my friend a CF and the b word, and on the other I have also been called a selfish ungrateful CF (including my sister). Sounds like you can't win on Mumsnet asking for advice!

I don’t think you or her are in the wrong or anything like that.

But I am a bit 🤔 that a good friend tells the bride that she’s struggling to afford the suggested dress, and the bride didn’t offer to pay halves or even pay for the dress full stop. Especially given she presumably knows that you’ve spent 4 figures on her wedding already and you’re a single parent on a tight budget. That I find a bit..,, thoughtless

Tbh I didn't even mind paying for a dress as I didn't think it was a big deal, it was more the price and my other Indian friend bringing it up that made me double take. She was in shock that I was being asked, no matter the cost. The bride and I are good friends but not best friends to where I would feel comfortable bringing it up in an awkward way.

I am very shy anyway and didn't want to feel like I was complaining because tbh I do agree with a few other people's opinion (although wish they were less rude with it) in that I should be grateful as she is paying for the whole trip bar the flights. £68 for a dress is more than reasonable and she loved the one the person up the thread picked out and actually looks very similar to the dresses, just a cheaper quality. So I guess it's worked out in the end. I've never been a bridesmaid before so this was all new to me. Thank you!

OP isn't doing the bride a favour.

An Indian wedding is not the same as an English wedding. OP has already said she hasn't had to contribute any effort to the hen or wedding. She will be there just to have a good time, the family will cover the duties.

There is nothing about Indian weddings that means bridemaids deserve free accommodation or dresses, they are in the gift of the bride.

OP is invited, she has free accommodation for her and her sister for a week, that is very generous.

And she has now sorted herself a pretty dress, which is at it should be.

Oh you did nothing wrong!

I am just a bit surprised that the bride listens to you be honest that you’re struggling with the cost, and didn’t jump in to say she’ll contribute or pay for it

@Andprettygood I’ve noticed that people who were brought up in high income households and have always had extra cash sometimes genuinely don’t realize that finding an extra £250 for a dress, for example, really can be tough.

One of my closest friends is like this, she’s from a wealthy family and has never struggled to pay a bill. She invited DH and I out to a really expensive restaurant with a group of friends and was taken aback when I said that that it was beyond our price range so we’ll decline this time.

It’s not deliberate, just totally outside their life experience, iyswim.

But the op was absolutely crystal clear that she was struggling to afford.

The message was clear

@Andprettygood I know, but it’s still a different mentality.

If you’ve literally never had to save up for anything nor struggled to pay a bill, you really do view money differently. Perhaps her friend thought that the OP could use a credit card…not realizing that she’d already done this for the flights and really couldn’t put another expense on it.

I know I sound like I’m excusing her friend, but I know ppl like this IRL. Wealth from birth does put you in a financial bubble!