To feel slightly miffed about paying for a dress now?

[confusedlady10]

My close friend is getting married in Thailand and she has asked me to be a bridesmaid. At first I was going to decline as I couldn’t afford to travel that far out for the wedding for 7 days (single mum on low income) but got a small bonus from work and used it to pay part of the flights/trip and took out a credit card to pay the rest. because she’s paying for the accommodation for everyone it made it a bit easier for me financially to change my decision. Her background is Indian and she has gone back home to pick out her dresses and bridesmaid dresses, and sent me the one her and her family have chosen. The dresses cost £250 each and tbf they are stunning. She then said she would get mine and I could transfer her when she came back to the UK.

I was in shock due to the price and asked if I would be able to find something cheaper myself which she has accepted. I asked my other friend who is Indian (separate friendships) if she knew any nice shops to buy a cheap Indian style bridesmaid dress. She gave me a few but again out of my budget which is max £80. However she brought up that in Indian culture the bride always pays for the dresses and was in shock that I am having to pay out of pocket. I told her I don’t mind too much as long as the price is fair and don’t know anything much about this as their culture.

But her reaction made me think maybe it is a bit unreasonable to expect me to pay for the dress in the first place (my own objections are regardless of culture). The dress my friend has picked is very high quality and has lots of embellishments in a certain beautiful shade and I’m worried I wont be able to afford a dress that can match and look nearly as nice as the other bridesmaids and will stick out like a sore thumb. I will have to suck it up and just buy something cheap but do feel a bit miffed and I'm struggling to find anything so far.

YABU- You should should not feel miffed to pay for a dress no matter the quality.
YANBU - She should be paying for the dress.

And remember that people who are not struggling have no problem saying this.

I am far from being on a low income, but "I can't afford it" is my most used excuse - or reason not to do something.

How about telling your friend you can’t afford the dress but would be willing to contribute £80 towards it if that’s what she wants you to wear.
Sounds like a fabulous trip so just enjoy the experience.

If ex is a dick about a long holiday abroad for your ds, could you not even do a weekend in disneyland paris or something? Surely the cost of flights to Thailand plus accommodation and bridesmaids dress would cover that? Or if not even alten towers or something

Just tell her you can’t afford it. If you need an Indian dress can you borrow something from her or her family. They really should be covering the cost of it.

If I were you I’d be checking in with her on any additional expenses you’re likely to incur. You say she is covering accommodation and food but will there be days out organised? Cabs from the airport. Hiring minibuses to take you to see any sights etc. Hair and make up? Thailand can be pretty inexpensive but can add up.

I would either go just as a normal guest, or see what is available secondhand /Vinted.

Not on the OP’s thread I mention upthread whereby her dad had to step in and pay for extra party guests.

The ex and Op have a very good relationship apparently

even if it was SO shit that they couldn’t t agree one week (despite the ex having DC for this half term week in question), then money could go on treat days, savings, pension, school clothing, paying back dad for stepping into pay for extra party guests!!!

It seems totally reckless to me

OP if she was that close a friend she would know of your financial situation and not put you in this position in the first place.
I would never expect a friend to spend money on a social event they could not afford. So I find it extraordinary people except friends to pay to attend weddings abroad.

If you are close enough friends to be a bridesmaid, you should be close enough to be able to say …sorry I can’t afford a bridesmaid dress and go as a guest.

you have NOTHING to feel embarrassed or ashamed about saying that

Fabulous dresses on that.

Dazzle and Bloom https://dazzleandbloom.co.uk/listings/?directory_action=search&handler=directorypress_listings_handler&include_categories_children=1&categories=&categories_text=&what_search=Bridesmaid+dress&location_id=0&location_id_text=&address=&radius=0&field_price=&submit=]]

Honestly OP, don't feel the need to defend your spending decisions, people enjoy criticising.

Oh the basis you are probably a grown-ass woman who says you have budgeted for flights etc, so I can't add any value there, I thought I'd say that it feels increasingly common as someone posted above that traditional south Asian weddings (all costs covered) have become hybridized with some more 'wedding party pays for some bits' process. I remember a few years back when my friend paid for the sari, makeup, hair, but made bridesmaids had to pay for shoes, I was fuming 😂. Likewise a western wedding where the dresses were paid for but I had to pay for make-up when I was perfectly capable of doing a good make-up job myself. Don't expend energy feeling narked that your mate seems to be going against the grain by not paying for the the dress, I don't think there strictly is a grain anymore.

As others have said, articulate to your friend that the budget for extras is tight and you can't really afford additional costs that may crop up. A good friend should understand this.

She's a friend and you have to trust her to listen to your point of view. You might say 'I very much want to see you get married and I'm honoured to be chosen as a bridesmaid. But, as you know, I'm quite hard up and after finding the money for flights, I can't find a dress I can afford which will go with the ones you've chosen. Please will you release me from being a bridesmaid so that I can celebrate with you as a guest wearing an ordinary dress?'

I am of Indian origin and also went shopping to India (15 years ago) for my outfits as they are a lot cheaper there than here (even with the flight as the multiple outfits and for family all adds up) and yes she should be paying for your outfit. My wedding outfit was bling and it cost £250 (okay 15 years ago) but the reason people go to India is because it is cheaper than UK so you will stuggle to find something that bling here in the UK for a reasonable cost. She is being totally unreasonable and if she’s a ‘friend’ should understand your situation.

Ignore those saying you can’t afford it or should have spend the money on other things - it’s your choice what you spend your money on.

I’d be shocked at being asked to pay for the dress too and think it’s absolutely fine to say you can’t afford it (or just don’t want to spend even more money on this!)

If she's that close it shouldn't be a surprise

Or she's very thoughtless

No bride should ask their bridesmaids to pay for their dresses, especially if they are already expecting them to go to Thailand. It’s so so cheeky. You should tell her you need to step down as you can’t afford it and I’m sure she will either 1. Let you or 2. Buy your dress. Surely this is bugging her other bridesmaids?

Well then prob best not to throw in that she’s a single parent on a low income who’s having to put the entire holiday on a credit card in order to pay for it

Yes, yes "grown ass woman", but since she is struggling to confront her friend over the cost of a dress, it isn't completely bonkers to wonder if it is actually clear to op that she is not obligated to go at all.

It doesn't hurt to mention it.

I know someone who recently paid £900 to attend a hen weekend and is now quite bitter about it and resents the bride. I don't know why, but a lot of people feel obligated "because it's their wedding and they're only doing it once hopefully"

Anyway, op I personally think she sounds quite cheeky. I paid for all dresses for bridesmaids and also hair and make up. I am very not rich either.

Sorry, meant to quote someone above you who said the "grown ass woman" thing!

I'd be annoyed at having to foot the bill for an expensive wedding dress in your shoes too, OP! Added to that, the chances are high that you'll only be wearing it once.

If you do decide to go to the wedding, I'd suggest Vinted as others have; some amazing bargains there, it's probably where I buy about 90% of my wardrobe.

If you’re paying £1.2k for the flights and would pay £80 on a dress… I’d probably just pay the full £250. It’s not that much more and you’ll be repaying the rest anyway. You’ve gone to a lot of trouble to go to the wedding already, so yes it is U of bride.. but at least she’s paying your accommodation while there.

I’m Indian. It’s an important cultural tradition that bridesmaids dresses are paid for by the bride and her parents in all Indian traditions. I would bet that her Indian bridesmaids have their dresses paid for - it would actually be questioned openly if they didn’t. Have you reached out to them directly to ask?

I refuse to go to destination weddings as I refuse to shell out for someone else’s party, when that money can be spent on a holiday or nice things for me and my child.

If someone wants a destination wedding, that’s absolutely fine but they should cover all costs or expect people not to come.

If you want to go, then go but be honest about your circumstances.

But if you don’t want to go then don’t feel bad about it.

I would probably just say that you’d love to be there for her big day but you’re struggling financially right now and so you’d rather just be a guest rather than a bridesmaid.

I feel strangely bad that I'm going to stick out at her wedding though!

She clearly doesn't mind, as she told you to get your own dress!

Vinted has some lovely ones- I’ve just checked ! Yes a risk for fitting but worth a shot.

I would just say/text exactly what you have said here.
I must admit I hate this new way of doing things and glad I'm past that age. It used to be that the bride and groom would pay for these bits - mind you, it used to be a free bar too so I guess it's all change!

OP just to qualify my other comment that there's no one 'way of doing things' these days in Asian weddings, if in fact any Indian bridesmaids have had their dresses paid for, not paying for yours would be totally out of order! I couldn't conceive of a bride being so out of order in fact, but there's nowt so queer as folk 😐