Mother in Law has been stalking and harassing me

[TheRealHousewifeofCheshire]

Am I being unreasonable?

For months I have had a series of missed calls from a mobile number. I usually block any spam calls or my phone blocks them automatically. I will also Google numbers and if they are obviously spam I will block them. This number was not obviously spam

For reference I work in a building with little to no signal. I have tried to dial this number back when I get out of work as it was not obviously a spam number. It has never answered! I have sent numerous texts after calls asking who it was and threatening to report them.

Today I had a medical appointment and so I was at home but in the shower. The number called and I messaged it. I told.my husband went to my appointment and thought not much further about it today (because I temporarily lost my vision due to medical appointment). Tonight, I realised my husband had messaged me asking for the number so I sent it to him.

He has replied saying it is his mother!

I know she can read texts.
I have a different mobile number saved for her.
Why would she never mention it or have given me her new mobile number?

For months I thought it may have been one of any number of people I have had to take disciplinary action with. Due to the line of work I am in that is a common occurrence.

I cannot believe the number belongs to my mother in law and has effectively made me feel stalked and harassed for an excessive number of months.

AIBU?

I am angry, hurt confused and upset. My husband has brushed it off.

Oh dear, another ‘much ado about nothing post’ you sound very uptight about this OP. I just don’t understand why you kept messaging and calling an unknown number, it’s weird, even more so to do it for two years!
Obviously she didn’t pick up your messages otherwise she would have mentioned it when you apparently chat to on her landline, you sound very annoyed over … well, nothing really.
By the way I just re read your header ‘stalking and harassing’ that is so ridiculous.

If I was in your shoes with the knowledge that you now have, I’d have phoned MIL on her landline straight away and asked why she hasn’t replied to any of the messages she left. Simple.

My guess is that your feelings stem from the fact that you were worried that the calls were from.someone who held a grudge against you, rather than the actual calls from MIL. Do you think your husband guessed, or MIL said something to him, which is why he asked to see the number? The first thing I'd do is ask him what he thinks is going on, and why you didn't have the number. My first assumption would be that MIL gave him the number assuming he would give it to you, but for some reason he didn't.

If for example it was someone he had an affair with. Seems very unlikely though as you'd be very likely to mention it to MIL now he's said so it'd be a silly move to try and cover for it.

Another way you could test if DH is being honest. When you’re next with MIL, and her phone is visible, call the mystery number. Then you’ll know if it’s her regular phone and if your number’s unblocked etc.

If it is, you could say it’s a bum dial but use it as a conversation opener: “I’ve responded to missed calls from you for months. Why have you never replied?”

How odd. I think I'd have to ask her about it next time I saw her because it's a strange thing to do. I'd try and keep it light hearted, like 'Apparently we've been playing phone tig for a couple of years, why didn't you reply to my texts? I thought some weirdo was harassing me'. Just to bring it out in the open and find out her reasons, and I'd make sure your husband is with you when you say it.

Do you like her? Does she like you? Have you been in each other’s lives for a long time? There’s no back story at all so it’s hard to garage if this is odd or not.

If she’s 85 and you get on perfectly well but she might be getting in a tizzy with her phone then that’s one thing. If she’s 65, never liked you and disapproved of you from the off then it’s something more sinister.

None of us know any of that so it’s hard to say. But the frequency of the calls doesn’t seem alarming. One or twice a month for 2 years?

Again, we don’t know the set-up, but I would ring her right now and say ‘Hey Sylvia! I didn’t know you were on this number, I’ve still got your old one. I was just moaning to Mike that I’ve been getting all these weird calls for the last few years and no one ever rings back when I call the number. I’ll save your number now and leave a message if you ever need me for anything, my office has awful signal so I never pick up.’

I'd have just blocked the number after about the first 3 calls. Especially if you're fearful of unknown numbers due to your line of work.

I had this weird bloke on fb messenger randomly message me "hello" about every 4 months. First 2 times I ignored it. Third time I messaged back, "why do you keep messaging me? I don't know you." When he then replied, "hello" again, I blocked him. Problem solved.

Letting this number continue to mess with your head for 24 months is almost as weird as your MIL has behaved.

I'd have a face to face talk with her. Make it weird. See what she says.

Oooh, it’s still here. OP is still being baffling and, in true MN style, some commenters have somehow concluded this means he’s cheating. Some of you could be presented with water being wet and go ‘sorry to say, but I think his head has been turned.’ 🤣

This is a great thread.

The best part is the OP completely ignoring the comments she's replying to. There was one where the poster had asked her about 5 questions and in response she just said "thank you" 😆

Totally! Another one had about half a dozen questions and she was like ‘yes to both’. They weren’t even yes or no questions! 🤣

If your husband is not lying that this is his mother’s number I would find it very odd that he didn’t let you know she has a new number. Very very odd. I don’t think you were necessarily harassed but I also don’t think you are unreasonable to think that this is very unusual behaviour of whoever is calling you. I don’t understand why people are making out that you are the odd one. I would triple make sure that this is indeed the number of your MIL and would ask her directly why she never responded to your messages. I’d be tempted to ask her to call you from this new number so you can make sure it’s actually hers.

@Moveoverdarlin This is true. Though I’d assume OP would mention anything pertinent, like MIL not great with phones, prior conflict etc. Though the feeling of stalking sounds like she’d think MIL capable of that intent.

Only simple explanation I can think of is MIL has inadvertently blocked OP’s number on new phone, so hasn’t been seeing the callbacks and messages.

@TheRealHousewifeofCheshire have you checked what number your dh has for his mother? have you tried dialling the suspicious number from his phone to see what name comes up>>>

She sounds odd.
Do you see her? At any point has she mentioned that she tried to call you?

You don’t know the intent of why she was calling you. It could have been genuine in her wanting to speak to you.

Your post makes you sound a little bit paranoid and dramatic. Maybe for good reason but you haven’t given one in your post or replies.

Just speak to your MIL in person and ask her about it, could be completely innocent.

Hi OP I am a police officer so I hope I might be of some use here.

Firstly stalking and harassment are two separate (but often conflated) offences. Harassment is repeated unwanted contact where the perpetrator is obsessed/fixated on a thing or an issue (boundary fence, bad parking, money owed etc) whereas stalking is repeated unwanted contact where the perpetrator is obsessed with the person being contacted/followed.

To make out either of the offences, you have to show that the behaviour is fixated, obsessive, unwanted and repeated.

You also have to show (in the simple form where no violence is threatened) that the behaviour has an adverse impact on the person's day to day life (which is hasn't as you hadn't blocked it, or changed your routine to avoid anyone etc)

Put simply from a police perspective, now you know it was your MiL, this is neither a stalking nor a harassment and even if you did call the police (which I don't think you mentioned but others have) I highly doubt anything would happen.

This seems like the most simplest of errors which unusually has never come to light before now.
It is unusual that she hasn't said anything before, or replied to your texts.

If it were me, the next time I saw MiL I'd say "I've only just realised it's been you calling all this time! I had your old number saved and I had never been given your new one. I had no idea who it was! Did you not get my texts? Haha How funny"
And move on.

It's much more likely to have been a genuine error than your mother setting out to fool you into thinking that someone was stalking you.

Nevertheless I do understand why you felt unsettled and freaked out by repeated calls. I'd be annoyed she never replied saying it was her, mainly.

don't let paranoia drive you to making more of this than need be. Maybe she is a stalker / a bit harassy but at least you know now who it is (and who it is likely to be if a new number crops up). Just ignore.

I am not the only person who has said it. Some men are not that careful and don't think too deep, making all sorts of rookie errors. OP has said she sent text messages asking them what they want. No reply. If it was truly the MIL, don't you think she would have replied?

What makes more sense; an OW stalking/harassing the husband's wife,
OR, a MIL ringing OP continuously, leaving no message, and, not replying to any texts? Which is more likely? Occam's razor. Use your brains!

Yes! Counter her weird passive-aggressive BS with this brilliant passive-aggressive counter move.

Tell us about the people you've brought disciplinary action against. What did they do wrong exactly?

Have you asked her?

This whole situation is bizarre….

1. Why did you let it go on for 24 months without ever asking your husband if he recognised the number? If you genuinely felt harassed, that’s the first thing you would have done.
2. Why, in all that time, did you never answer the phone? If she had called that many times you would have answered - however ‘harassment’ is a bit much, it’s not as though she was leaving threatening messages. If you are so busy at work you can never ever answer the phone then how do you ever speak to anyone?!
3. Why was this never mentioned when you saw her in person?

Honestly, the whole thing just seems so strange, but it’s definitely not stalking to have one missed call a month and I think that’s an offensive term to use for people who have actually been stalked.

Op, next time you see your MiL, pocket call her and see if the mobile rings, see her reaction etc??

if no reaction from her, no hearing that mobile. ask her if she recognise that number? maybe your Mil is all innocent in all this, and your DH lied