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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse to consider living where DH wants to

207 replies

NachoChip · 07/10/2025 00:55

DH and I have been together for over 20 years and have a toddler. We met at university and lived in different places but about 10 years ago moved back to my hometown. My family and friends live in one area that has a great school and is closer to the centre, but it's high house prices. DH wants to live further out of town to be near to his hobby. That area doesn't have a lot there in my view and would be a 20-25 minute drive to everyone we know, bearing in mind it would be handy to be closer to parents who can help with childcare etc. We both work full time, in the town centre 2-3 days a week and WFH the others. His chosen area is about 25 mins drive from the centre as well.

His argument is that we live in my hometown near my friends and family, and he's built a little community around his hobby that he wants to be near so it's only fair. He thinks our toddler would enjoy it there and can get involved with his hobby when he grows up. Also he thinks the houses in my chosen area are expensive and still need work. I think he's also quite independent so likes the idea of us setting up afresh but still being close enough to family and friends.

My argument is that the area I want to live in is closer to friends and family which is good for us all especially for that support network, closer to town and our work, the best school and lots more to do in the area.

AIBU to not consider what DH wants or is he not considering what's best for us as a family?

I've tried to write it in as balanced a way as possible!

OP posts:
CoastalCalm · 07/10/2025 00:59

20 mins is no time at all to travel , I moved that distance away from my mum and we both make the journey without any issues several times a week - I honestly thought you were going to say an hour or more

Italiangreyhound · 07/10/2025 00:59

Basing a home on one's hobby seems a bit much. Do all the other people involved in the hobby live close to it?

Is there no in-between space?

steff13 · 07/10/2025 00:59

The difference is 20-25 minutes? That's practically nothing. I think you would be unreasonable to not even consider it but I also don't think that moving to be closer to a hobby is necessarily reasonable.

SisterMargaretta · 07/10/2025 01:00

20-25 minutes is not the be-all and end-all. I think it would be unreasonable not to at least consider his views. You could check out the area and discuss logistics like school and childcare, what might be feasible etc.

Starling7 · 07/10/2025 01:00

Stick to your guns! Family and friends are essential daily - he can travel to his hobby.

Original poster
NachoChip · 07/10/2025 01:08

Thanks for your replies so far.

I think DH probably has to drive further than others, so his little community probably live closer though not in that exact area necessarily.

An in between place would be ideal but then the schools aren't as good so that brings me back to my chosen area. I almost wish the school wasn't so good so it didn't feel like such a compromise to live anywhere else.

I keep going round in circles because I want to be happy, I want DH to be happy and I want the best for our DC but I'm not sure I can make all three happen.

OP posts:
Bobbie12345678 · 07/10/2025 01:15

Is any element of it that your husband finds your family and friends a bit overwhelming? If so then I think you should listen to that.

Seaside3 · 07/10/2025 01:22

Schools can change. "Good" schools can become failing ones overnight. Also you may find your toddler thrives in a different school, just because they're goid, it doesnt always mean they're the best for your child, in my experience.

I think not even considering your partners perspective is kind of shitty. Imagine if he wouldn't entertain yours. You should at least look.

Knackeredboot · 07/10/2025 01:29

20-25 minutes drive to either hobby or family is nothing. I wouldn't even really consider that a factor when buying to be honest. And schools can change really quick so I wouldn't count on it being the same standard when your DC is starting school. I think you should both have a more open mind.

NuffSaidSam · 07/10/2025 01:31

You're obviously being unreasonable to not even consider it.

How much do you actually know about the various schools? Have you looked at Ofsted reports and results? Looked round the schools? Spoken to current parents? Checked the catchment areas? If you've done all that research fair enough. If you haven't then you need to as part of your consideration of DH's request.

Have you looked at houses in both areas to see what you can get in terms of space/outside space/condition for your budget? Have you compared the mortgage costs of living here you v where DH wants to be?

Have you done the drive at various times of the day to see what it would be like in reality? Have you thought logistically about how you could make it work? For example, could you drop your DC off to your parents on the way to work if you're using them for childcare? Could you do the same on a night out, if you're coming into town anyway, drop your DC off on the way maybe?

When you've properly considered everything you have every right to tell DH you don't think it will work. Failing to properly consider is really unreasonable.

FunnyOrca · 07/10/2025 01:32

His argument of it’s your home town so he gets to choose the area is compelling. However, the schools issue was win it for me.

When we moved to my home town, my husband had an immediate area preference that was my absolute last resort kind of area. I made clear we would have to find a compromise and we ended up in a third area (20-25 mins from my parents - ideal for me) and in the best secondary catchment in the town

Isittimeformynapyet · 07/10/2025 01:37

Another "mystery hobby" thread.

BeanQuisine · 07/10/2025 02:13

Isittimeformynapyet · 07/10/2025 01:37

Another "mystery hobby" thread.

A mystery hobby that needs a "community" living in a certain inconvenient place.

Eenameenadeeka · 07/10/2025 02:15

I don't think it's ever reasonable in marriage to refuse to consider what the other person wants.
Sounds like he's already given a lot, in moving to your home town. 25 minutes really isn't much, so you can be near both your friends and family, and his community he has through his hobby. I think you need to look at schools in both areas, and homes to see what suits everyone in your family, but you need to both consider each other.

MorningCoffeeInBed · 07/10/2025 03:14

20-25 minutes is nothing. That's no basis to consider changing anything. Other factors are more important.

Tabbykit · 07/10/2025 03:14

I think he's being unreasonable. Good schools for your children are much more important than him being a bit closer to his hobby!

ilovepixie · 07/10/2025 03:21

What hobby demands you all live together in the same area!

Tabbykit · 07/10/2025 03:29

ilovepixie · 07/10/2025 03:21

What hobby demands you all live together in the same area!

Maybe he's joined a cult? 😄

Ponderingwindow · 07/10/2025 03:34

20-25 minutes to get to family is nothing. Getting more house, more space, or a desired lifestyle can definitely be worth such a short drive.

ultimately though, the best school always wins. If the school isn’t excellent, I would not even bother looking at houses.

user1492757084 · 07/10/2025 03:39

How old are your children?
For how much longer will they be using the school?
I would make sure that the children have a great school.

Otherwise, I find 25 minutes to be extremely close.
Compromise. Find a house you love, near enough to the hobbies and easy enough to drive to a great school.
Start looking in earnest.
A certain house and street scape and nearby parks might sway either of you. Don't be closed minded.

WaryHiker · 07/10/2025 03:52

BeanQuisine · 07/10/2025 02:13

A mystery hobby that needs a "community" living in a certain inconvenient place.

Show quote history

My guess is sailing.

MorphandMindy · 07/10/2025 04:13

For me it’s the fact you both still work in the town centre. What is rush hour traffic like?

You will have to do school drop offs, and still get to work 25 minutes away. As you get more senior in your careers, there may be more to go in for. You personally are more at risk of giving up your job if it takes you half an hour to pick up a sick child or to make it back for after school club, and you don’t have any additional flexibility to give.

Nana4 · 07/10/2025 04:18

Although it is unreasonable not to even consider his choice, school and daily life convenience would take priority for me. Everyday life happens more often than a hobby (in theory) so is more important.

Nearly50omg · 07/10/2025 04:35

Everyone saying 25-30 mins isn’t far - that’s only one way!!! It’s an hours round trip and will be more in rush hour or holiday times etc! Waste of time and petril traipsing back and forwards and you can guarantee friends and family will think a 1 hour round trip to go see you is a pan in the arse and you will have to drive them more as you moved away

Nestingbirds · 07/10/2025 04:37

If he has already moved to your home town, I would be wanting to support his efforts building friendships.

That said you are close to a good school and work close by with people that can help, that’s very valuable, and I wouldn’t want to give that up op.

Invite his hobby group over for dinner, make an effort and research other areas nearby so a compromise is possible in the future. However I think you are right to acknowledge the benefits of staying. Especially with young children when you are both working.

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