To refuse to consider living where DH wants to

[NachoChip]

DH and I have been together for over 20 years and have a toddler. We met at university and lived in different places but about 10 years ago moved back to my hometown. My family and friends live in one area that has a great school and is closer to the centre, but it's high house prices. DH wants to live further out of town to be near to his hobby. That area doesn't have a lot there in my view and would be a 20-25 minute drive to everyone we know, bearing in mind it would be handy to be closer to parents who can help with childcare etc. We both work full time, in the town centre 2-3 days a week and WFH the others. His chosen area is about 25 mins drive from the centre as well.

His argument is that we live in my hometown near my friends and family, and he's built a little community around his hobby that he wants to be near so it's only fair. He thinks our toddler would enjoy it there and can get involved with his hobby when he grows up. Also he thinks the houses in my chosen area are expensive and still need work. I think he's also quite independent so likes the idea of us setting up afresh but still being close enough to family and friends.

My argument is that the area I want to live in is closer to friends and family which is good for us all especially for that support network, closer to town and our work, the best school and lots more to do in the area.

AIBU to not consider what DH wants or is he not considering what's best for us as a family?

I've tried to write it in as balanced a way as possible!

It really depends on where you live, and what the traffic is like? Living 20-25 minutes away, might be the difference between an extra 10-15 minutes commute or an hour (+!). Moving due to a hobby seems quite odd to me, and also, so is assuming your now toddler child, will be interested in the same hobby as they get older!! There are absolutely no guarantees on that score! Surely you move to be closer to family/friends, who give you your support network, good schools, close to amenities and a shorter commute to work. What are the schools like in the area your husband wants to move to? That has to be a priority. Moving further out is fine, if the daily commute isn't going to impact you as a family too much. Are the house prices cheaper because the area isn't as good? You need to research the area. I wouldn't rule it out completely, but moving to an area simply for a hobby isn't a valid enough reason to move there!!

I'm saying you are BU to not even consider it. Doesn't mean you should move, but i think if he moved to your hometown, having a discussion about moving 20min is not completely outrageous.

Look at the area, village/city, public transportation, commute times, schools etc. Might be best to stay put, but at least you've (both) looked into it. Maybe a discussion with him will show his real motivation and a compromise of moving a bit might be worth it. Who knows.

💯 this. See what’s out there and then weigh up the options based on that.

I would not make my kids change schools from a good school so that DH can be closer to his hobby.

Nobody would be changing schools. Their child is a toddler.

I am biased because I chose to live in town in the smaller house that needs work so I can walk to the good school and to friends and family. I’ll sometimes look wistfully at the nice houses I could live in further out, with better walks, but everything being on my doorstep is a huge quality of life boost that I experience every day.
Id chose that but make a special effort to support the hobby and having his friends over.

I don't think you are being unreasonable not to consider moving near his hobby. It's not a very good reason for choosing an area, when there are many other factors to think about. Being near the centre and the schools is going to make life easier as a family than being near one person's hobby, which he can go to anyway when he likes as it isn't far away.
Believe me, children aren't guaranteed to like their parent's hobbies - mine never did!

Best school. Nothing else matters.

You have a child, you put them first and a hobby is crrtainly not more important than a good school, not even in the same universe of what is important. DH needs to grow up.

Schools should be your priority/deciding factor.

@NachoChip may be way off here but if all your family and friends stayed in this area. Did you always see your kids going to the same school as all of their children?

Is the school you want the school you went to as a child?

madness. a 25 minute drive to a friend is excellent and most people would consider that close by??

Moving for a hobby seems ridiculous to me. Why can’t he travel 20/25 mins for a hobby? What does he gain by living there that he doesn’t by travelling?

Obviously it’s wrong to not consider each others feelings, however, school (big one), family, work, central area are all much bigger and more valid reasons than a hobby imo.

Imho you have to prioritise convenience and family life and 20-30 mins from a hobby is not far.

If you have just one child it’s important they build up family connections and as they grow older, being close to town is better for friendship groups/ not having to chauffeur child everywhere.
Good school is key.

Consider the outer boundaries of the school catchment area.
Given you said houses closer need work/ money/ time? Is your DH worried about that?

Perhaps list the positives and negatives for more visual perspective. Is there a halfway house?

That aside, I would choose nearer family as you just never know what the future holds. Imagine if one of you fell ill and needed support. Think of the longer term.

He’s found someone to play with in this area and wants to engineer a closer move to this area. @NachoChip keep your antenna’s up (metaphorically speaking). From your op, the family doesn’t benefit from being where he wants to be.

Wherever you live, factor in proximately to DC's school friends and activities. It's hard to envisage now, but it becomes such a huge part of your life for at least ten years (until they can use local public transport - if there is any)

At this point in time it has to be based around schooling first and foremost

He must see that his children's schooling trumps his hobby?

I thinks he's being ridiculous, and in 10 years time many will have moved on.

Schools can change remarkably quickly. Unless the children are of school age now, I would let that influence my choice of location at all.

This.

School as PP have said do change - and best on paper may not be in practise - so a compromise would be do some more research on the schools.

I'd try being really practical - what do you need in a house - ie bed rooms no how many toilets/drive/garden size/kitchen type - and what you want but are not vital but nice to haves - your price range in all locations - how much work are you realistically willing to do and how much that will cost and time it will take.

How long you'd likely be there - though that's harder as life does though curve balls - but are you looking to move before secondary ages or do you need to have a think there as well.

Routes into work and school - full times and in rush hour term times - getting to services like GP/dentists/kids groups/swiming pools stuff you might also need to be close to. Had he thought about getting in and out of school every school day- that's not that far off now or is he think about current needs/wants.

Being close to an adult hobby doesn't sound like a compelling reason especially if you drive but he may be right about the house sizes and work - but you could be right about the support being better closer.

I think you'd be unreasonable to not consider it at all - but look at it very practically - a pro and con list on each area could help.

I am surprised how many people think the DH's 'mystery hobby' is worthy of so much consideration! You're parents FFS, a nice house with proximity to good schools and childcare / family help is a primary consideration, travel time to weekend 'hobbies' is a secondary consideration

You are a family
that includes ( currently) your husband
yiu don’t get to say unilaterally what’s right for the family
yiu need somewhere that works for ALL the family

I've tried to write it in as balanced a way as possible!

But you haven't told us what the Hobby is and we need to know!

If 25 minutes is nothing, then it’s nothing to drive to his hobby either - it works both ways - unless there was an enormous difference in house prices I would go for convenience every time and your kids may not be interested in that hobby either and would prefer to be near town

So you already live in the town and work there a few days a week. But he'd prefer another area with his hobby friends? It sounds a little like he's finding your family and friends to be a bit overwhelming which is a shame.

There's no chance of there being a 'special' hobby friend in that area, is there? I think you'd find it a nuisance to be driving back to the town every day.