To refuse to consider living where DH wants to

[NachoChip]

DH and I have been together for over 20 years and have a toddler. We met at university and lived in different places but about 10 years ago moved back to my hometown. My family and friends live in one area that has a great school and is closer to the centre, but it's high house prices. DH wants to live further out of town to be near to his hobby. That area doesn't have a lot there in my view and would be a 20-25 minute drive to everyone we know, bearing in mind it would be handy to be closer to parents who can help with childcare etc. We both work full time, in the town centre 2-3 days a week and WFH the others. His chosen area is about 25 mins drive from the centre as well.

His argument is that we live in my hometown near my friends and family, and he's built a little community around his hobby that he wants to be near so it's only fair. He thinks our toddler would enjoy it there and can get involved with his hobby when he grows up. Also he thinks the houses in my chosen area are expensive and still need work. I think he's also quite independent so likes the idea of us setting up afresh but still being close enough to family and friends.

My argument is that the area I want to live in is closer to friends and family which is good for us all especially for that support network, closer to town and our work, the best school and lots more to do in the area.

AIBU to not consider what DH wants or is he not considering what's best for us as a family?

I've tried to write it in as balanced a way as possible!

RNLI

My view is somewhat coloured by the fact my kids are older now but if you're looking at a long term move - yes, look at before/after school childcare, quality of primaries etc but once they hit secondary you aren't only looking at school catchments (which is important and harder for secondaries sometimes!) but how easily your kids can get around without having to be chauffeured everywhere. Being within walking distance of friends/a good bus service to places they want to get to is so valuable with teens. And they'll get there faster than you think.

Do you think he'd be unreasonale to refuse to consider living where you want to live?

Moving just to be closer to a hobby is wild, especially given the fact that you need to consider schools and proximity of other important things. Not saying hobby isn't important at all, but definitely not to the extent of childcare.

I drive 20 mins to buy milk and bread, I can’t get excited about that sort of distance. I think YABU.

I'm shocked people think you're being unreasonable! Regardless of the distance why would you put a hobby before family and friends, a support network.... if it was about the cost of living fair enough but would your dh want this move if it wasn't for his hobby? He will ofc say he would still want to do this move....

What hobby needs anyone to live in a 'little community ' 20-25 mins out of a town? I can't think what might be going on.

Moving 20 minutes away isn’t really stopping OP seeing family and friends?
I can see both OP’s and her husbands view on this. It’s not a huge distance away. As someone else said ‘some of us have to drive 20 minutes just to get milk’ (me included). My best friend lives an hour away, I still see them most weeks. My mum lives 20 minutes away (next village), as does most of my family, it’s never been an issue.

I am interested in what the hobby is though 🤣….just because I am nosey.

Is is painting? Bird spotting? Sailing?

Because it’s his support network versus her support network

can I suggest 10 minutes from both as an area to look into?

Golf (most golf courses are out of town)
skateboarding
skydiving 🤔
Surfing?

I think it’s unreasonable to refuse to CONSIDER it, but not unreasonable - having considered it - to still feel it wouldn’t work for you and your children. Your child will be starting school in a few years - schools don’t deteriorate from outstanding to failing in that time, so understand wanting to remain in the catchment areas of good schools, especially if you have friends/family who can help with drop offs etc and be there in an emergency.

I’m afraid I think that if a 20-25 min drive (which, lets face it, adds 45-60 mins to the daily commute at peak hours) is supposed to be reasonable for you and the kids, then it’s reasonable for DH to continue to do it for a hobby he does a few days a week or to meet friends that may/may not live in the area.

My DH travelled further than that for 6 years when he was cricket coaching and though we did discuss moving house because the families we met through the club were lovely, we decided the hassle and cost of moving/stamp duty and distance from the kids current schools/future 6th forms just for a group of fellow [hobby related] friends who change over time (they move, get bored, move to other clubs) was - well - lunacy. Plus his knee and back hurt these days, so he’d have had to give it up in time anyway…

I’d prioritise the school and make sure you’re in catchment (and close enough within that catchment area to definitely get a place). Other than that, 20-25 minutes drive away from family etc doesn’t sound too bad so I’d try and let husband have his choice with the caveat that it needs to be near enough to get into the good school.

I don't know why you've got quite such a hard time - I used to commute four days a week for roughly half an hour in theory but it was usually double that in rush hour. It's quite a lot.

How you actually sat down together and looked at the logisitics of you'd make school drop offs and pick ups/school activities work with that kind of commute? What would be the plan when your DC gets sick and needs picking up? What if one of you guys was sick and couldn't do school collection - would your family still help you out then if it's an hour-ish round trip?

Were your family going to do after-school childcare? Would they still do it? Would that mean DC getting picked up, driven to family member's home for 25 mins and then driven back again by you for 25 mins? That's a very long day for them.

Wife swapping.

Living near DW family never benefits the DH as there will always be a deep resentment and annoyance from his side.

I always find women that live near their family but not their spouses have not yet grown up

Believe me if you’re dependent on family help with your kids you can’t be too near. Ours live 2 minute away by car and it makes life soooo easy - especiallyl in an emergency or anything short notice ie illness, stuck in traffic, delayed at work. etc.
Your choice sounds good for a variety of reasons and H can travel to his hobby as ‘it’s only 20 minutes’ - is it 20 minutes in rush hour btw?
Stick to your choice.

I see both sides and one of you either way is going to be unhappy.

Although you say you want everyone to be happy and want what’s best for your family, I don’t think that’s true. You are being quite selfish and want what YOU want. 20 min drive if not a lot and still close enough for support from your family any friends. He’s lived there for 10 years. You’re not being fair which will only lead to resentment.

No I wouldn't be moving. You like the area for many solid reasons.
He wants to move for a hobby.
Absolutely no comparison.
I wouldn't entertain it.

I think he is being reasonable. You would still be near family and friends, hardly any distance compared to most families. Visiting will take a bit more effort, a change of routines.

Sounds like he's given it a go in your home town. It can feel oppressive in your spouse's home town, with inlaws and extended family on doorstep, regardless of easy childcare support. I think it would be unfair to refuse to consider his wishes for more independence and a fresh start.

This. It is unreasonable mot toto fully investigate it and dismiss it.

I would tell him you'll consider moving but he has to be the default childcare for your child and sort all after school care, sickness days, holidays and inset days, since he's the one who thinks it's a good plan to move away from the family childcare you have available.

You'll be sacrificing already with a longer commute so he needs to do all the rest of the running around to make the location work. Collecting your DC from nursery, the lot.

My DP wants to move about 4 hours away from friends and family for his hobby! What is it with men and their hobbies! 😭

You're not being unreasonable to not consider it at all. 25 minutes is a big deal when trying to do the morning commute for child care and then work, as any delays can really impact. The priority should be your child. A nice area with a good school, community and family is what is required. Not prioritising a man's hobby. He shouldn't even bring it up and put it on you to say no. A hobby shouldn't even impact his everyday life! Where as moving would. He is not thinking about you or the family as a whole but his own wants and ease. If 25 minutes isn't so bad then why does it bother him to do it once or twice a week, which should be the absolute maximum amount he should be going somewhere to do a hobby when he has a young family?

How about a compromise halfway between his hobby and where you are now? 10 mins to your family, 10 mins to his hobby.