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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse to consider living where DH wants to

207 replies

NachoChip · 07/10/2025 00:55

DH and I have been together for over 20 years and have a toddler. We met at university and lived in different places but about 10 years ago moved back to my hometown. My family and friends live in one area that has a great school and is closer to the centre, but it's high house prices. DH wants to live further out of town to be near to his hobby. That area doesn't have a lot there in my view and would be a 20-25 minute drive to everyone we know, bearing in mind it would be handy to be closer to parents who can help with childcare etc. We both work full time, in the town centre 2-3 days a week and WFH the others. His chosen area is about 25 mins drive from the centre as well.

His argument is that we live in my hometown near my friends and family, and he's built a little community around his hobby that he wants to be near so it's only fair. He thinks our toddler would enjoy it there and can get involved with his hobby when he grows up. Also he thinks the houses in my chosen area are expensive and still need work. I think he's also quite independent so likes the idea of us setting up afresh but still being close enough to family and friends.

My argument is that the area I want to live in is closer to friends and family which is good for us all especially for that support network, closer to town and our work, the best school and lots more to do in the area.

AIBU to not consider what DH wants or is he not considering what's best for us as a family?

I've tried to write it in as balanced a way as possible!

OP posts:
LBFseBrom · 07/10/2025 07:12

I don't think the distance matters much, 2-25 minutes is nothing. I wouldn't care too much about being near or far from famly and friends, you'll still see them if you want to but the school would bother me.

That must be some big hobby for your husband to want to move because of it. Surely he drives.

It takes a long time to move anyway so will do no harm to have a look around and see what sort of place you could buy. Then weigh it all up.

There's no right or wrong about this.

Zempy · 07/10/2025 07:14

It’s very odd to want to base where you live on a hobby.

Your DC might have zero interest in it.

I would stay where I am, where I had my support system.

Screwyoudavid · 07/10/2025 07:14

Moving to be closer to a hobby that only he does when you have family and friends nearby? No way would I entertain such a thought, a move has to benefit everyone in some way or the majority and this is not that situation.

Theroadt · 07/10/2025 07:14

Convenience for your children trumps his hobby, frankly

TheNightingalesStarling · 07/10/2025 07:16

I agree with doing some actual research on schools... schools keep their reputations long after actual change. For example in our district, loads of people insist what used to be the Grammar school is the best... but another school is actually one of the top schools in the whole county but wasn't good 10 years ago.

Also consider... living within a few minutes of your inlaws can be exhausting and claustrophobic. Sounds great to you as you know the area. We live an 1hr from my inlaws (on a good day) they are brilliant, they help with childcare... but an hour is close enough!

Digdongdoo · 07/10/2025 07:18

You're both being daft. 20-25 mins is no distance at all. Why doesn't your search radius include both areas and everything in between? Presumably you get more for your money further out of town?

(But I wouldn't move closer to a hobby on purpose)

Hungrybrood · 07/10/2025 07:19

20 minutes travel is nothing, cheaper house prices and a nice compromise for your DH. YABU.

NerrSnerr · 07/10/2025 07:23

Are you 100% sure the schools are best for your child? Even the best on paper (or through word of mouth) doesn’t mean they’re great. In our town we have two primaries, one is the ‘good’ one that people try to get into and has an amazing reputation. Actually, for many it isn’t that good. Children with SEN often move etc. The other school has a terrible reputation but that is actually due to snobbery and one bad ofsted 8 years ago (now redone and as good as the other school). It has more resources, has more clubs and a great SEN dept. People look down due to it having a more diverse range of children.

The best on paper and by word of mouth doesn’t make it the best.

I also think it’s telling you said it’s 25-30m from everyone WE know, when his support network is from his hobby so everyone you know.

How much are your parents going to help? Will it be every day? This will impact my decision too.

BasicBrumble · 07/10/2025 07:27

Are you looking to buy and if so, can you afford the high price area? If not, you will need to compromise, so you may as well look at a few areas and keep an open mind about other schools.

Han86 · 07/10/2025 07:31

I wouldn't rule out looking at houses in the area suggests, based on price more than anything. Sounds like you might get more for your money if you look a little further away.

In terms of schools, what do you mean by a good school? I chose my childrens as I really liked the headteachers vision when we were shown around but she then left a couple of years after my eldest started! Also if you mean good in terms of SATs this can all change depending on cohort. Again my kids school has gone down year on year in terms of results....the reason being the school is known as being good for sen with children moving from other schools to join, so a high proportion of the children have an additional need and with last year's group this made a significant drop in terms of results.
So what makes a good school depends on what you are looking for.

Wallywobbles · 07/10/2025 07:31

Is you getting everything your own way a common theme in your relationship? Is he always bottom of the pile in terms of wants and needs?

DaisyChain505 · 07/10/2025 07:31

20 minutes really isn’t much.

Your DH already agreed to move back to your home town yet you think moving 20 minutes from the centre so you can get a cheaper house is unreasonable?

I think you’re being a little bit closed minded.

I would sit down together and write a pros and cons lists for each area. How living in each place would effect your finances, how much outdoor space you’d get for your money, how day to day travel would look with a child going to school etc.

Justyouwaitandseeagain · 07/10/2025 07:32

Other hobby options where distance could be crucial:
Lifeboat / mountain rescue team? Where you need to respond quickly to a shout? (Agree it's more likely to be golf though...)

I would definitely give close consideration to all possible schools and what you can get for your money house wise...

MrsMitford3 · 07/10/2025 07:32

ChikinLikin · 07/10/2025 05:55

YABVU not to tell us what the hobby is. For some reason, I am dying to know.

Me too...

Is it water based so you are moving toward the coast or a lake?
Is it horsey?

dizzydizzydizzy · 07/10/2025 07:33

I think you both have a point although being walking distance from a good school is invaluable.

Zhu · 07/10/2025 07:34

Unreasonable to not consider it, but you’ve probably got to prioritise schools over hobbies. Sit down and do a big list of pros and cons, view the schools. And don’t make the mistake we made and only look at primary schools, it goes very fast, and secondary school options are harder where we are. I wouldn’t move away from a secondary school you wanted to send the kids to.

It sounds a bit like all that’s on the other side of the balance is the hobby…

Tiswa · 07/10/2025 07:34

20/25 minutes is fine for both sides - you have gotten so ingrained into who wants what

so take that out focus on how things will work - schools which has wraparound care/childcare etc
secondary schools again and travel for your child
then the house what can you buy in each area because I suspect that is where his area might win out and it is inportant to look at

look at both areas I think and work out what house works

Kpo58 · 07/10/2025 07:34

Not a chance would I move for a hobby.

I would be extremely unfair to make your relatives to travel +30 mins each way every day if they are to help with after school childcare as you both work full time.

The houses may be cheaper, but there may be no cost savings after adding on the costs of childcare. Also does he want to spend all his free time as a chauffeur when your child wants to go out independently, but there is no public transport to get to the places they want to go?

BonneMaman77 · 07/10/2025 07:35

YABU.
The area he is proposing is only 25 minutes from all your family and friends. That is no time at all. He has been ok with living near yours just wants to move 25 minutes away. Financially, sounds like a house 25 minutes away is also better suited to the family.

Leave aside the hobby and think about the above.

How far is his family and friends?
From the area he is proposing, how far
away is the hobby?

Mischance · 07/10/2025 07:39

My nearest shop is 15 minutes away! The idea of discounting your OH's wishes for a mere 20-25 minute journey is not reasonable.
Please listen to his needs too. You are a team, a partnership.

ApricotCheesecake · 07/10/2025 07:39

I think the way you've worded your title hasn't helped you here, OP. Of course you're being unreasonable not to even consider it. But if your AIBU had asked if you were unreasonable to prefer it, I think the voting would have gone in your favour. Surely most people would agree that convenience for jobs, family and a good school would trump a hobby?

SmashingMunchkins · 07/10/2025 07:39

Bobbie12345678 · 07/10/2025 01:15

Is any element of it that your husband finds your family and friends a bit overwhelming? If so then I think you should listen to that.

This. Whilst it’s great for you to be on their doorstep, is this a big part of the reason for his suggestion?

He has moved so you are on top of your friends and family. It’s a very small compromise on your part to move 20 mins away to an area that gives him a bit of space from that and makes financial sense.

He might need to be aware you toddler might not be interested in his hobby though!

redskydelight · 07/10/2025 07:40

You have really glossed over the "cheaper/bigger" house aspect and honed in on the hobby. But surely a better/cheaper house is also a compelling reason?

The fact that you consider 20-25 minutes journey to be such a long way away also makes me think that your family and friends must live right on top of you at the moment. Is there a possibility that your DH finds this rather claustrophobic?

stichguru · 07/10/2025 07:40

To be honest I would go for living near schools you think you want. A 25 minute commute to see friends or go to a hobby is nothing really, 25 minutes away from a school you like is likely to mean that you don't get into that school. (For primary anyway).

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 07/10/2025 07:43

For a hobby - NO.