To refuse to consider living where DH wants to

[NachoChip]

DH and I have been together for over 20 years and have a toddler. We met at university and lived in different places but about 10 years ago moved back to my hometown. My family and friends live in one area that has a great school and is closer to the centre, but it's high house prices. DH wants to live further out of town to be near to his hobby. That area doesn't have a lot there in my view and would be a 20-25 minute drive to everyone we know, bearing in mind it would be handy to be closer to parents who can help with childcare etc. We both work full time, in the town centre 2-3 days a week and WFH the others. His chosen area is about 25 mins drive from the centre as well.

His argument is that we live in my hometown near my friends and family, and he's built a little community around his hobby that he wants to be near so it's only fair. He thinks our toddler would enjoy it there and can get involved with his hobby when he grows up. Also he thinks the houses in my chosen area are expensive and still need work. I think he's also quite independent so likes the idea of us setting up afresh but still being close enough to family and friends.

My argument is that the area I want to live in is closer to friends and family which is good for us all especially for that support network, closer to town and our work, the best school and lots more to do in the area.

AIBU to not consider what DH wants or is he not considering what's best for us as a family?

I've tried to write it in as balanced a way as possible!

For me it would depend on what the plan is for the DC before and after school. Will you be relying on childcare from family then? If so, I think there is more reason to live close to them. You can't expect people to travel an hour a day to pick up your DC when it's a favour.

I'd also look into activities etc for everyone. You all have hobbies. Why should his take precedence?

I can see how this will pan out. OP will be left with all the child-wrangling etc (after all, she has her heart's desire of family to help her). Meanwhile DH will be physically (and mentally) elsewhere with his hobby/friends for hours on end, losing track of time.
Is that what you want, OP? To be a hobby-widow.

I would not move closer to his hobby. Is he hoping to do this hobby a lot? He has a family and what I presume are young children. He should be present for them. I would go for what is convenience. You can always consider the move further afield when your kids are late teens and autonomous. What I would do though is forge friendships so he doesn’t feel your lives revolve around your family.

20-25 minute drive from work and family is a very short distance. If house prices are more affordable in the area your DH has chosen and the schools are good then I’d move. He probably also feels overwhelmed being so close to your family and friends.

An hour round trip is nothing for an outing or visit.

Is there an in between option where houses are slightly cheaper. I cannot imagine a world where I would move for my own hobby let alone someone else’s. I’m not sure how often he does this hobby but this is all time when he would be removed from family time meaning you may be doing more childcare alone so would be better off living nearer to your friends and family.

YABU to not consider his preference. He might not want to live so close to your friends and family.

My guess is that the hobby is a sport (football, rugby etc) where there is a strong community element. Maybe you would enjoy this as well? Not all men's hobbies have to leave the wife "holding the baby" while they are away on their jollies. You could make new friends in a new area.

I don’t think the hobby is relevant but house prices certainly are. I’d look at what you can afford in various places, think about schools and childcare and go from there. A 30 min drive to anything is nothing much to worry about unless it affects childcare.

(caveat that my husband and I are immigrants so have no idea what it’s like to live within hours of our parents as adults so driving distance of any sort seems fine!)

YABVU not to tell us what the hobby is. For some reason, I am dying to know.

I think not considering your DH’s preferences is a bit unreasonable, but that doesn’t mean I think he should get to dictate and it sounds like he isn’t considering yours or, possibly, your DC’s either.

I do think it’s a big sacrifice to move to your spouse’s home town. It puts him on the back foot socially so if he’s developed a group of friends I can see why he feels drawn there. But is he going to pick up the slack for all the support you won’t get if you’re further from your family, or is that burden going to fall on you? And the schools argument is huge to me, though things on that front do change somewhat over the course of 5+ years and is not the only factor in educational outcomes (for one thing, having more disposable income, if housing is cheaper, could be used to good advantage).

Perhaps you both need to look at compromising a little?

It’s still nothing. Hardly anyone I know lives that close to their family, never mind any closer. People get scattered by uni and careers. If the family / friends can’t be bothered to visit then that would be pathetic.

Maybe just maybe he’s not as into your friends and family as you are?
Of course YABU to lot take his personal preferences into account. 25 mins is nothing and remember HE and YOUR CHILD are your family and priority not your pals or his hobby. There must be a sweet spot in between and I don’t think 25 mins is bad. Frankly if I had to live within an hour of my ILs that would be too much and they are ok people.

Yanbu

I am amazed and shocked you are being told by other mothers YABU.

My family and friends live in one area that has a great school and is closer to the centre, but it's high house prices.

Your reasons: family support/ help and schools are centred around family needs and totally valid.
His is centred around him and a hobby he may drop or change in 12 months. Which even if he doesnt drop is a "nice to have" /lower priority item.
Moving 1h round trip will reduce family connections/ family support.

Its clearly important to him so I'd 100% facilitate the hobby ie.
-Make space for him to do it.
-Go for days out to the area and DH does hobby and you watch / do X woth DC then meet up and do something collective.
-Help host a BBQs / Christmas meet ups dinners etc at your house.

• get sitters and Go with him to any hobby socials etc.

In terms of your local area xan you research to see if there are there any weekend daddy playgroups???
(we have a couple locally and it really helped my dh make 'local man friends"... I did have to send him off to the first one with my friends DHs as a support friend 😅 as he was scared no one would talk to him)

I wouldn't shift on this.
20/30min isnt a crazy drive for A HOBBY.
At this stage in your lives family is priority for us... there are decades for him to persue this and prioritise hobbies. When your child is 2 is NOT the time and it shouldn't be central to decision-making right now

If you dont want more kids I'd offer revisiting when DC has finished reception.
If you want more kids say you are happy to revisit once youngest is 5.

I wonder if there is a compromise to stay where you are so dc get into good school then look at other options further out? I think his desire to be near friends should be of equal weight to your desire to be near friends. He’s already further from family so unless your family are your childcare support then that also doesn’t feel fair to prioritise when the distance he’s suggesting is quite small and possibly quality of life might improve?

I think you need to be more open to considering it. 20mins is nothing, my own parents travel further than that every week for childcare. It might be nice in some ways to have a little more of your own space as a family at times. Your family and friends are of course still very close at a 20mins distance.

First of all, "He thinks our toddler would enjoy it there and can get involved with his hobby when he grows up." Unless he's a time traveler, the point is moot. Second of all, "That area doesn't have a lot there in my view and would be a 20-25 minute drive to everyone we know, bearing in mind it would be handy to be closer to parents who can help with childcare etc." of course from what I'm reading is referencing only your family and friends available, with your built-in child care system. Whereas he's simply looking to be around his hobby buddies and you somewhat fending for yourself since he'll have his community built-in already. Will his hobby buddies be interested in offering any type of child care system in the event you needed them? Once you move there, will he be more involved with them and less at home with your family to give him more of an excuse since he's so close then? I'm not trying to discount his feelings, but your question is about what is best for the family, not what is best for DH.

Put schooling first. And bear in mind what happens when they hit 10/11 etc they want to walk to school and start seeing friends.

If there was a difference in house prices then I’d consider moving since 25-30mins is not a huge difference. Though if it’s purely to be closer to a hobby then that seems excessive.

I do live a drive from anywhere and honestly it’s a pita. When I’m queuing in traffic I can feel my life seeping away! 20-25 minutes journey mid morning can easily double round our way during the rush hour, too, so deliberately creating a longer commute for myself wouldn’t be something I would rush to do. If you’re always in the car it adds a lot to weariness and also to costs, with fuel and repairs to the vehicle.

i would also consider what both of your day to day lives will look like. Who is at home more or has more responsibility for the child? Who is more likely to be impacted by school runs? Apart from The Hobby, how do you both spend your free time? Pick the area on the overall picture rather than just one niche component.

How Indian does he do the hobby, say it involved horses and they needed tending to morning and evening I’d have more sympathy, but that’s pretty rare, even more so for men. How many times does he do it a week. We’re now kicking ourselves over where we live, would love to be in a better catchment area.

I reckon golf. And he wants to be nearer so he can get a taxi home after drinking in the bar afterwards.

All your reasons Benefit everyone
his hobby only benefits him, and he may get bore if it.
Stuck to your guns.

The school would be my priority, and it’s important to be close to the school. I’d check out the other schools in hobby area though, and then I’d look at if the family support is significant and would be impacted. If for example he spends large amounts of time at his hobby and you cope by your mum coming around and helping, and she wouldn’t come as often if it’s a 20 minute drive, then I’d say well if we move you will have to give up your hobby to do the dad and partner time that my mum partly covers for you. But if it’s just nice to catch up, you can do that in 20 minutes drive, and he has a strong point that he has moved to your family.

Heritage railway volunteer?
Allotment?
Model aircraft flying?
Graveyard conservation society??

It doesn't sound like it makes sense for you to move now (childcare, commute with childcare). But that doesn't mean you could never move as your child grows up and your circumstances change. At the very least you could commit to thinking about it again in say 3 years?

As a compromise, you could wait until your child starts school and then move? (If this a primary school).

Secondary school - not sure. On one hand, they can change - on the other, good schools are few and far between.