To refuse to consider living where DH wants to

[NachoChip]

DH and I have been together for over 20 years and have a toddler. We met at university and lived in different places but about 10 years ago moved back to my hometown. My family and friends live in one area that has a great school and is closer to the centre, but it's high house prices. DH wants to live further out of town to be near to his hobby. That area doesn't have a lot there in my view and would be a 20-25 minute drive to everyone we know, bearing in mind it would be handy to be closer to parents who can help with childcare etc. We both work full time, in the town centre 2-3 days a week and WFH the others. His chosen area is about 25 mins drive from the centre as well.

His argument is that we live in my hometown near my friends and family, and he's built a little community around his hobby that he wants to be near so it's only fair. He thinks our toddler would enjoy it there and can get involved with his hobby when he grows up. Also he thinks the houses in my chosen area are expensive and still need work. I think he's also quite independent so likes the idea of us setting up afresh but still being close enough to family and friends.

My argument is that the area I want to live in is closer to friends and family which is good for us all especially for that support network, closer to town and our work, the best school and lots more to do in the area.

AIBU to not consider what DH wants or is he not considering what's best for us as a family?

I've tried to write it in as balanced a way as possible!

It's really not a significant problem to have.

Did you get a new calculator for that equation?

When someone says Hobby it reminds me of what you would say when you were a child. I always think when it is said that the person who's hobby it is is sitting gluing glitter to card or doing Airfix. It doesn't sound very grown up. Why can't they say oh my DH plays Golf, Football, handgliding , why the secret?.

He has already made the sacrifice to move to your home town you are unreasonable to not even consider it. Schools can change quickly there is no guarantee if you stay in the area it will be good when they are due to attend.

A 25 min commute is a luxury that a lot of people don’t have. My commute into work each day is 1 hr which is very typical for the area I work in.

what is the difference in house price between where you live and where your husband is looking?

I think you should make a list of the pros and cons for both, look around the areas and also anywhere remotely in-between.

Being 25 minutes drive away from family or a hobby wouldn't be an issue for me. I'm several hours away from my parents, a 25 minutes drive would be amazing, close but not too close. Likewise a hobby, my husband drives 45 minutes for his a couple of times a week and I've been known to drive for an hour to find a change of scenery for a run when it suits me.

I would want to be as close to school as possible. When my kids were in nursery it was a ten minute drive, now primary school is a 5 minute drive or a 20 minute walk, I wouldn't want to be further out than that.

You certainly should be willing to consider it - but school choice is the most important issue when you have a kid.

I’m assuming his hobby is more of a lifestyle thing that is easier to access in certain areas- hiking or sailing?

I think schools, house prices and amenities would be my priority. My dh and I relocated countries to be nearer my family, but he was quite clear he didn’t want to be on top of them and people calling in every day (which happens with the rest of my family). We compromised and live 20 minutes away. Tbh it was a great choice and we live in a nicer area near the coast. I think you should consider what he is saying and then think practically about how you both think it would work eg, who would do school drop offs/ pick ups, in summer holidays who would drop dc to grandparents, finances etc.

Key things you haven't mentioned
-what are the schools like in the alternative area?
-what is the public transport like?
-is the other area so totally rural so there is absolutely nothing to do there, or do you just mean there is less than the middle of a town?

I live 20 minutes from my nearest city and the same distance from my eldest son. I live in a village.Here twenty minutes to buy milk is a standard journey.

I would just say, hobbies are for weekends but school, work and childcare are every day. Id rather do the long round trip once a week than 5 times.

You need to agree between you though, isn't there a compromise location or is that the worst of everything?

Let me guess...? Golf?

I'd hear him out though. Can you get a larger, nicer, cheaper house where he wants to live? Is he fed up of living in your family's pockets and would prefer to have a few more "neutral" people around?
I personally wouldn't give much value to the school. I'm a primary school supply teacher, and have seen many a school go from "Outstanding" to "Requires Improvement" on the back of a single inspection. And just because a school is "good" on paper, it doesn't mean it would be the right fit for your child. Perhaps it's an academic hot-house, but your son is more creative/sporty?
In fact, if I was choosing a school again, I'd actually pick the one in my town that, on paper, is serving an incredibly deprived part of town. But I've seen those kids be loved intensely, and so beautifully nurtured and get so many additional opportunities, I'd be delighted for my children to go there.

@NachoChip what is it about this one school you are fixate on. Because things change toddlers change I moved to this street thinking Primary School A and then for DS High School A (all boys 11-16)
well both went to primary school B and DS went to a mixed high school I would have totally discounted when we moved but is absolutely right for him. DD has actually gone to A at mixed sixth form

Schools change headteachers etc

What doesn’t is the house focus on what you want from that as a starting point

With a young child, normally I'd say stick near family and community. But the distance difference here is minimal and if you can afford a much better house there, I'd consider it. Your husband shouldn't be planning family decisions around his hobby though, especially since, as before, distance is minimal.

I would quite like to live around 20 to 25 mins from family, closer than that means I assume it’s a bit in and out iof each others houses and just bumping in to them all the time. Whilst I do live too far now, 4 hours where I grew up was like this and I hated it. There is probably just as much an issue but he doesn’t want to appear as if he doesn’t like your family. I’m sure he probably does like them but can’t you see it’s a bit over powering.

YANBU. At this stage of family life, you need to be nearer schools and family, and he should be putting the schools before his hobby.

He chooses to do his hobby. Will he be sharing the school runs? Will you need parents to help look after DC if you are both working.

A house move should make life easier overall for both of you and DC, not just for his hobby. He can put more time into his hobby when DC are a bit older.

Also, he doesn't want to be too close to your family, but expects you to live in his hobby community.

25 minutes on regular public transport is very different to 25 minutes drive. Does his chosen area have the first? Any shops/cafes etc where you can build a new community?

I think you need to consider it at least and go visit some places, maybe spend a couple of weekend days in the area and see if you’re bored to tears or not. Then work out your red lines and find out his.

My DP would love to live somewhere very isolated so we could have a big garden, but my red line is the public transport thing.

It’s not a huge distance really

he might feel less comfortable being so close to
your family and older friends? Excluded slightly? I mean you are happy for him to be away from his support group as long as you are close to yours? Can you see the unfairness?

and the cost difference- that’s a huge issue in many cases - and having to do work on a house takes away form family time

I think I’m going against the grain here but I live 20 minutes drive away from school and it’s a pain because all the kids activities are also there. Even now they are older they can’t make it so I’m chauffeuring for guitar lessons/ guides/ scouts.

Id definitely prioritise bring close to a good school / kids stuff before adult hobbies.

I would move for the cheaper house prices alone; I feel like the hobby thing is a bit of a red herring to be honest. 25 minutes is nothing - I drive that to get our DC to a decent school every morning and it doesn't feel like a long journey at all.

Oh and saying it’s “better for the family” is really excluding him from your definition of family / be careful !

I wouldn’t choose where to live based off either friends and family or a hobby. Those things are so changeable. Friends move away. Friendships breakdown. People, frankly, die. Even family, when my eldest was a toddler, I was very close to my family. Things happened and the relationships broke irreparably. I am completely NC with them now. Hobbies change too. I don’t have the same interests and hobbies now 10 years later as I did when my children were toddlers.

25 minutes is nothing (we have to drive that far just to get to a supermarket). You can drive to see friends and Dh can drive to do his hobby. You won’t be doing either daily.

I’d live in an area you love with good schools and good quality of life and close to good career opportunities and a house that’s right for you. I’d want to love a place even if all my friends moved away or even if Dh broke his leg and could never do the hobby again.

I am thinking sailing. In which case I would consider moving to the sea...

Is he a bit overwhelmed by your friends and family? If they are on your doorstep do they pop in very regularly/sometimes unannounced? I wonder if hes finding the lack of boundary hard and trying to be tactful by using the hobby as an excuse to add a bit of distance. Also you mention the hobby but also the community- if hes making friends further away than your friends then hes having to travel to his people while you dont travel to yours and things like popping out for a drink become more of a barrier. It sounds like hes trying to settle in a new place whereas you are already settled.

I think you need a really honest chat with him and to fully weigh up pros and cons including allowing you both to be completely open about what you want. Maybe moving isnt the right decision but completely refusing to consider it isnt fair. Even if you dont move it will be good for your marriage that you listened to him.

Haven’t read the thread - just here to find out if we know what the hobby is yet?

But it's not as if having a 25 minute drive excludes you from family and friends, is it?