To refuse to consider living where DH wants to

[NachoChip]

DH and I have been together for over 20 years and have a toddler. We met at university and lived in different places but about 10 years ago moved back to my hometown. My family and friends live in one area that has a great school and is closer to the centre, but it's high house prices. DH wants to live further out of town to be near to his hobby. That area doesn't have a lot there in my view and would be a 20-25 minute drive to everyone we know, bearing in mind it would be handy to be closer to parents who can help with childcare etc. We both work full time, in the town centre 2-3 days a week and WFH the others. His chosen area is about 25 mins drive from the centre as well.

His argument is that we live in my hometown near my friends and family, and he's built a little community around his hobby that he wants to be near so it's only fair. He thinks our toddler would enjoy it there and can get involved with his hobby when he grows up. Also he thinks the houses in my chosen area are expensive and still need work. I think he's also quite independent so likes the idea of us setting up afresh but still being close enough to family and friends.

My argument is that the area I want to live in is closer to friends and family which is good for us all especially for that support network, closer to town and our work, the best school and lots more to do in the area.

AIBU to not consider what DH wants or is he not considering what's best for us as a family?

I've tried to write it in as balanced a way as possible!

Another thought - I think the title is really unfortunate. You shouldn’t ’refuse’ to consider something your partner wants to talk about. My husband and I had very different ideas initially about where we wanted to live but we talked it through. At the end of the day I ‘won’ but he had come around to my initial plan after we thought through everything. And we are both happy with our house. I don’t see how you can just flat out refuse to consider what he wants.

I think you're being quite selfish. The school is a red herring - I think you like being walking distance to your friends and family and that is a lot for your husband who is asking a reasonable request to live in the same town but a different area that suits him more. Compromise is healthy.

I'd never drive 20-25 minutes to primary school, that's madness. It's nearly two hours out of your day! No chance.

Ask your DH whether, if you lived where he wants to live, he would do all the drop offs and pick ups from reception through to year five.

How often does he do his hobby? Does he have to go to the location to do it? I agree with the posts warning that you'll be a hobby widow. Also, 20-25 minutes drive can easily become more in busy traffic and then you'll be looking at 90 minutes round trip.

I suspect I would find that overwhelming. But TBF we live a 24 hour flight from my family, and when they were alive a 7 hour drive from DH's.

I can't get my head around being worried about a 20-25 minute drive. But being in the catchment of a good school IS important- speaking as someone rural who private schools my Dc because we are most emphatically not in a catchment for a good school.

That's because PPs always wrap hobbies up in secrecy because they're 'outing' 😂

If I were in your position I would:

• plan the whole thing out, pick a nursery, a school, a house, and cost it up, both in terms of time for commuting to work and drop off/pick ups, and the house itself. Remember to include petrol costs, parking, council tax etc.
• do the same for a house closer to your parents/nice schools/work. Make sure you are clear on time spent commuting and doing drop off/pick up for both, and factoring in the kids doing any clubs etc when they are older.
• how much time does your husband spend on his hobby now and how much time does he envision spending on his hobby when you live closer to it? I'd be getting him to name specifics now and having a conversation about how that might change due to the kids/house/your needs. If he's imagining being at his hobby at his hobby 3 nights a week and a full weekend day, thats not going to be fair on you..
• take a second and assess how much you see your family/friends, what kind of relationships do you have. Is there pressure to attend EVERY birthday occasion meaning there's multiple every month. Do people expect to be able to pop round with no notice and do so 5 out of 7 days a week. Have a real think and then approach him to ask if he thinks the level of contact is/might be overwhelming, with curiosity and a mindset that you want to really know how he's feeling - you might find yourself getting defensive but you need to try not to. Not all families are the same, and you need to get a better idea of what might be going on there.

I put YABU, not necessarily because I think you should move, but because I think it's unfair not to consider it at all. DH has already moved to your home town where your friends and family are, so there does have to be some consideration of that, finding friends and a community in a new place is important if you don't have yours nearby.

MN tends to be pretty down on men who still enjoy hobbies outside of the family. Obviously, there's got to be limits and a fair balance, and one partner should not always be left with the childcare all the time to facilitate the other's hobby, you should have fair opportunity to do a hobby yourself, or have some child free time with friends. No guarantees your kids will be interested in his hobby, but if they are, it's a nice thing for a dad and their child to share an interest. DH is sporty, DS1 isn't but DS2 is and it's been really good for them to have a shared interest.

It may well not be practical, not work for the whole family, etc, but it's worth working it through and considering it because only then will you actually be able to properly weigh it up. As others have said, there may be a compromise neither of you have thought of.

I’m sorry OP but you sound selfish

He’s moved area for you. Yet you want to ‘refuse’ to consider another borough in that area even though house prices are better and it’s only a short drive to your support network.
Whilst I understand it is preferable to YOU to stay where you are, it seems like every compromise is his to make and a one way street
That’s a recipe for divorce imo

I had to go to A&E the other day. I'm my DD's childcare, she was on holiday with other family members. Asking a friend to travel for nearly half an hour to pick up my GC would have been a big ask. Walking around the corner, not so much. A list of pros and cons are needed. What happens if there's an accident/illness and your DH can't do his hobby anymore? Or your child has no interest? It sounds as though your child will have a friendship group and a good school, I wouldn't compromise that. A good grandparent within walking distance gives everyone more freedom and takes pressure off, during the tween/teen years.

To move to be near a hobby is not a good enough reason when you weigh it against good schools and childcare. And a 25 minute drive is 50 minutes round trip.

I reckon he dresses like an Anglo-Saxon and lives in a stone hut with a conical straw roof on a weekend and carves whistles from wood.

He should be prioritising quality of life for his family over a ‘nice to have’ hobby. What do you do in your spare time, OP?

I would be concerned about any man who wished to prioritise his hobby over his family's welfare. What's the big draw for him with this hobby? Or, bluntly, what is her name?

For all those saying it’s only 20/25 mins to the parents, city centre etc, that means it’s currently ONLY 20/25 mins for him for his hobby, and personally I would prefer to be nearer family support and a currently good school

For all those saying schools can change quickly, which they can, who is to say he will keep up with the hobby?

Op stick to your guns, I would not be moving, I would prefer to be closer to family for help, building that relationship with grandparents, not having to commute into the centre etc

A few of you are focussing on the hobby - I honed in on the house prices, nice area for toddler etc

Which is the main reason for him wanting to move OP? That’s hugely relevant here!

20-25 minutes (by car) is however relevant when it comes to children or the elderly.

A 10 minutes walk to grandmama is something an older child might easily do alone. 20-25 minutes by car? Not so much.
OP or her DH will have to drive their child. They‘ll most likely be shepherding around their teenager.
The whole family will be quite reliant on their car(s).

Go and look at houses in both areas and make a list of pros and cons.

Op stick to your guns if your primary reason is to set up near your village where you will get support and life will be easier for childcare because nothing trumps that when you’re both working. His reason is selfish and yours is for the over all well being of your family. 20 mins especially with traffic can make a huge difference to your day.

I suspect it’s price that’s bothering him more than anything, men always try and do things on the cheap without considering the over all picture because after all childcare ends up being the woman’s problem.

Nonsense. I would feel suffocated if I were constantly seeing/being with my F&F.

I am on Team Husband here.

I want to know the hobby too! I think it's water based - surfing or sailing. Or maybe rock climbing or bouldering.

20 mins is not a lot but if your child does a lot of sports or activities it could mean you're in the car a lot especially as they get older.
The incidental friend dropping in for a coffee or into town for a drink might be a lot more work for people too and that might be a deterrent.
Parents helping you know and you helping parents as they age when you're already busy with work, that is all a lot easier if you're closer too.

A 25 min drive is not nothing. It's not a bad commute but if you're talking about doing it every time you need to go to the shops, drop a child to school or activity and you're doing it multiple times a day then it certainly adds up a lot.

Living in the countryside can be gorgeous though and having the house you want is a massive plus.
Moving for just for his hobby seems like not a good enough reason to me. When the list for the benefits for staying put seem almost endless. How often does he do his hobby and will it outweigh the hassle of that drive for everyone else?

I'd sit down and do a list of pros and cons and spend some time over it.

You have given the impression that your husband wants to move primarily because of his hobby but reading your post again that's not quite accurate is it? Your post is biased towards what you want and not necessarily towards what is best for your family unit.
Your preferred area is more expensive and the type of property you could afford is one that requires work. Presumably you cannot afford that work now so there is the additional stress of that plus doing it later. Your husband has moved to your home area and possibly finds being too close to your friends and family claustrophobic. 20 - 25 minutes is nothing and given the compromises he has made already, very reasonable. He seems to be the one making all the compromises to date and is expected to do it yet again. Your happiness seems to trump all otherwise where is your compromise?

Schools ratings fluctuate over the years. My kids primary was good when my eldest went and was lower by the time my youngest got there. Why not go and visit the schools, you don't really get a feeling for the place unless you go.

25 minutes travel.... seriously and this is a problem?