To refuse to consider living where DH wants to

[NachoChip]

DH and I have been together for over 20 years and have a toddler. We met at university and lived in different places but about 10 years ago moved back to my hometown. My family and friends live in one area that has a great school and is closer to the centre, but it's high house prices. DH wants to live further out of town to be near to his hobby. That area doesn't have a lot there in my view and would be a 20-25 minute drive to everyone we know, bearing in mind it would be handy to be closer to parents who can help with childcare etc. We both work full time, in the town centre 2-3 days a week and WFH the others. His chosen area is about 25 mins drive from the centre as well.

His argument is that we live in my hometown near my friends and family, and he's built a little community around his hobby that he wants to be near so it's only fair. He thinks our toddler would enjoy it there and can get involved with his hobby when he grows up. Also he thinks the houses in my chosen area are expensive and still need work. I think he's also quite independent so likes the idea of us setting up afresh but still being close enough to family and friends.

My argument is that the area I want to live in is closer to friends and family which is good for us all especially for that support network, closer to town and our work, the best school and lots more to do in the area.

AIBU to not consider what DH wants or is he not considering what's best for us as a family?

I've tried to write it in as balanced a way as possible!

Is it a hobby like open water swimming or paddle boarding where it’s more of a lifestyle shift than, say, playing squash a couple of times a week? If so, it’s more of a lifestyle switch that’s broader than just a hobby. Obviously I am speculating here!

I'm not saying moving for a hobby makes any sense. But if my husband starts talking about wanting to move only 20min away, I think it deserves a conversation. I don't think at it's core it is about the hobby.

I’ve just reread the OP and you’re right…. If it was purely about the hobby I’d still say unreasonable but if it’s more about the DH wanting to have some say in where he lives, to create a bit of space between them and her family, and about them choosing a life/ place that suits them as a couple rather than just being near her extended family, I would agree with you, it’s worth hearing him out (and actually I don’t think I’d want to be closer than 20-25 mins to any family member personally!!!)

Yes, in my experience it makes a huge difference not having support around you.

And in that case, 25 minutes should be easy for dh to get to his hobby

And so we have stalemate

who matters more ? Both claim their choice is better for the family for different reasons

I'm on the fence.

IMO, 20 minutes drive is nothing - for many. The only people I know who think like this, are those who have never left the place they grew up in, always live within a mile of their parents, and are mortified when I tell them my DC live 25-35 minutes drive away. They say 'oooh, I wouldn't like that, I like to be near to my family.'

As a pp said, I wonder if your DH finds it overbearing being so near your family? I would find it stressful and exasperating if DH and I lived really close to his family. I love that all extended family - mine and his - (except our DC who are around half hour's drive away,) are 1.5 to 3 hours drive away.

However, I do think your DH is being unreasonable to want to move house to be 'near to his hobby.' Why? What hobby is it that he has, that means he needs to be 20 minutes drive closer? Very odd!

How often does he do his hobby

work school family are all important and easier less travelling

or go inbetween both so 10mins ish to either

It really isn't, though! My kids are 35 and 45 minutes away, and I still feel reasonably fortunate, still do childcare occasionally and see everyone every week.

I get why your DH might feel suffocated being virtually on all your family members doorsteps, OP. I'd have disliked that too, even though I loved my in-law family.

You've had it all your own way for a long time, so yes, you're being unreasonable not to consider his preferences and empathise with his feelings.

And that's what he's been doing all the time. Maybe now it's time for OP to take a turn at doing the traveling? Especially when housing is a lot more reasonably priced in the other area.

Many things that I would consider and put first -

Schools, including feeder schools for secondary schools. Time goes so quickly and I would argue secondary is more important than primary.

House/neighbours/traffic/security. Location generally.

Help and support from family.

Community and things to do for either of you on a future mat leave. Are things walkable, able to nip to between naps, build a community of mums whose kids may go to the same school.

Hobbies for kids and how close they are

If you are on mat leave is there much to walk to?

Is the area safe for children to walk/play/call for friends once they are 10+

Are the kids in that area from the local school. Will the area have kids that your kids will want to play out with/you be friends with the parents.

Can you walk to meet with family when kids are young/you on mat leave and can older kids walk home from school/ to families houses.

People are saying 25 mins isn’t far. Well it isn’t to a hobby but it is walking with baby in a carrier with a toddler along badly lit roads.

It’s all about lifestyle and how you both see your day to day living as well as the ‘bigger questions’ of house prices and schools. I have and have had all of the above so close walkable family, friends, local nice shops and restaurants, Babygroups, good transport, school and community and it has made our life as a family immeasurably better.

I wouldn’t put a hobby group above all of that xx

@CremeBruhlee I totally agree- there would have to be an enormous price difference for me to even consider it and bear in mind cheaper areas are usually cheap for a reason - inconvenience can be 1 part of it .

His argument is that we live in my hometown near my friends and family, and he's built a little community around his hobby that he wants to be near so it's only fair

So he wants to move somewhere that will benefit one person, him, as opposed to staying where you are and it benefits lots of people, namely his wife and children?
If there were other benefits then yes have a proper discussion about it, but for a hobby? I wouldn't move for that

No because he thinks his choice of location benefits him and the children in the same was as OP thinks her choice benefits her and the children

you are both wrong / you need somewhere for you all

Her op doesn't say that, just that the toddler might enjoy the area and join in with his hobby when they are older. I think it would be unfair for op to move away from their support network just so when their toddler is of an age they can join in with the hobby if they want to. What if they don't want to?

Do whatever makes the most sense for childcare. Life will be much easier. He can do an hour round trip for his hobby rather than you doing an hour a day to drop your child off.

But why would 20 mins make much difference for childcare? I think they should just look at options across the area and see what comes up, there's no point ruling something great put over a very short hop in the car. Op still will have her network right there with her, he has done all the compromising so far and it seems only fair that options are at least considered.

YANBU. Having a support network when you have young DC trumps all.

My DM lives 10 minutes away. Stuff happens and having her so near was a godsend when DC were little. Last minute care when DC were ill / I was ill / when DH was kicked by cows. Now she’s older I can pop in with shopping without it taking half a day (which it did with my gran who was a 25 min motorway drive away).

Moving nearer to a hobby makes it more likely you’ll be left literally holding the baby while your DH does regular golf/cycling/sailing or whatever.

So DH doesn’t deserve his support network?

I’d live near to family and child care. Living near a hobby is ridiculous

You have had your own way so time to stop being so selfish!

All this.

Plus, factoring in cost short-term and long term.

Seems a bit off to move for a hobby. What is the hobby?

DH wants to move for his hobby.
You want a good school for your children.
What does he want for his children?
What do you want for yourself?

Centering around a hobby can mean more time dedicated, not less as it's so convenient and he can just "pop in" whereas now means planning and negotiating with you. There are loads of threads from women asking for support to manage their DPs obsession with a hobby to the exclusion of family life. What is his plan to manage this? Are you going to be a hobby widow?

Now add in children's clubs and hobbies. You may find yourself holding all of this with a half hour commute to family for support. If it's just a 25 minute commute for you, it's just that for his hobby too.

On a daily basis, work, school, family, friends. Your area benefits everyone.
On a weekly basis, his area benefits Him.

You win

I agree that OP ought to be considering her DH’s position, but 20 minutes is not nothing.

A 20 min drive is 3:20 hrs - 6:40 hrs of travel time over 5 days (6:40 if you have to go there and back, only 3:20 if it’s on route). Which is not a negligible amount to add to a working week or ask for from parents.

And if OPs preferred is walking distance from family it opens up a host of possibilities that any driving requirement puts paid to.