DH kicked off because XH attended deceased DMs home before funeral

[Over40andNotalotofpatienceleft]

Not sure if title makes sense to be honest. But here goes.
I’m really struggling with the recent loss of my DM.
DM was v poorly and kept it to herself, this was normal she never wanted to be a burden or bother (she was neither). Admitted to hospital and died the next day.

I buried my DM 3 days ago. DP has just tore strips off me because my XH attended my DMs house before her funeral. Id just like to add that I had been with XH for twenty years we have 3 DCs, we are amicable and he has remained friends with DB since our split, DB also lived with DM so XH visited regularly and spent a lot of time at DMs house.

I had arranged for family to meet at DMs prior to funeral and follow funeral car to chapel of rest. XH was invited to come to DMs home by DB.

DP is angry, he wouldn’t come in to DMs home prior to funeral. I tried to convince him to come in but he insisted he was more comfortable outside. I respected his decision & tried not to make a big thing of it. The day passed as a bit of a blur to be honest. Today DH said he was made to feel uncomfortable as XH should not have been at DM/DB home and I should’ve banned him.
I’ve told DH he is being ridiculous as it wasn’t my call and XH being there was irrelevant. I also said that regardless of who was there he should’ve sucked it up and been there for me instead of waiting outside and then throwing it in my face at the first opportunity.
I’m absolutely broken. My DM was 66 and we should not have been laying her to rest but he is adamant that I’ve disrespected him and shown him that he is not a priority by allowing XH in to DMs home when it should’ve been just family.
I'm not sure if I'm losing my mind, but am I wrong to expect him to not be a dick right now or was I unreasonable and completely dropped the ball?

Bless you OP. You’re right in the middle of grieving for your lovely mum. It sounds like she had a loving daughter who deserves the best.

The best is of course binning your partner. You’re close to your Ex DH, and your DB sounds great, so I’m sure you’ll all lean on each other. DP has shown you his true colours. I always try to see both sides, but can’t here. He’s behaved shamelessly. There’s no excuse. You deserve better. X

I’m so sorry OP. My DM died suddenly aged 69. I was an absolute mess. Anything less than fully supporting you is completely unacceptable.

Get rid of him and make it very clear why.

My god. Your current partner is a selfish, self absorbed, unkind fuckwit. Probably a narcissist

You would be much better off without him

Obviously now you need to take some time for you. To start grieving. To look after yourself and pamper you.

Can you ask your current partner to move out for a few months to give you time to think? Does your home belong to him/you/both?

This^

He has tarnished an already incredibly sad time for you and made it SO much worse with his appalling behaviour. What a horrible, self centred twat. Please extricate yourself from this selfish man child.

I am so sorry for your loss OP. 😔💐

Obviously this is nothing to write home about but i don't think I've ever seen a 100% YANBU vote on AIBU before...that says it all.

Please don’t stay with this man. He’s shown you who he is very clearly. He’s the man who cannot support you and set aside his own insecurity when you need him most. Believe that this is who he really is. The person you see when the chips are down is the one who really matters. You deserve so much better.

I’m so sorry you lost your mum and are now dealing with this as well. Sending love.

My ex, of 28 years, attended my mums funeral, and always kept in touch with her after our split.

My second husband didn’t have a problem with him attending anything - it felt a but awkward for me, but that’s it.

Funerals are a time to just be dignified, shut up and get on with it. 🤷‍♀️

Your DP is being out of order to make such a hard time even harder. I'm so sorry for the loss of your mum.

However, gently, I can see why he was upset that your ex was at the house before the funeral and despite being friends, I don't think it was on for your brother to invite your ex-husband to what is usually the private family-only apart of a funeral, knowing your partner would be there. Your ex could easily have attended the funeral at the venue and none of these issues would have arisen.

So rather than supporting you, he made it all about him and his jealousy?
What a prince.

Please get rid of this disgraceful man.

Wow he made your mum’s funeral about his feelings. That says so much about him.

I’m so sorry for your loss 💐

Firstly I’m so so sorry for your loss.

Another angle to look at this at, presumably your children were there? They are dealing with the loss of their grandmother and of course should have their mum AND dad there for support. To suggest their dad shouldn’t be there is insane. He sounds like a dick, sorry.

Same

He would be my exDP if he had done that to me.

He has shown himself to be unworthy of you, get rid.

I’m so sorry for your loss.

I’m so sorry for your loss!

Your dp is ridiculous! he should be there supporting you no matter who is around. Your ex dh was there to support his family, your children would have been grateful he was around too as well as your brother.

I think I would find this really hard to forgive and forget if I’m honest and would make me really consider ending the relationship with your dp. He acted immaturely and tried to make the day about his emotions.

I was in a very similar situation to you and I broke up the relationship 2 months after.
It was very hard and you have my every sympathy.
Your DP is not being supportive when he should be. He’s making it about him. I don’t know what to suggest but you did nothing wrong. Sending hugs. It’s is very lonely losing a mum unexpectedly and then having relationship troubles.

What a 🔔 end

‘He’s not a priority’ damn right he fucking isn’t. YOU were. How did he make this about him?!

He the fuck behaves like this at a funeral?

You need to lay down the boundaries now or tell him to get gone.
he is out of order.

The relationship would be over for me. There would be no coming back. Your partner has the capability and capacity for a profound level of selfishness and this lack of care for you will rear it's head again in your relationship. The damage would be already done if I were you, though.

Im so sorry for your loss @Over40andNotalotofpatienceleft. Your instinct is right. You did nothing wrong, he was more than disrespectful he was downright cruel to not support you and to make it about him. I could not be with a man who could not show up for me when I needed it.

I imagine if you look over your relationship this won’t be the first time he has behaved like this? As in he must be a pretty insecure man.

You deserve better, especially at this time in your life when you are in the depths of grief.

sending strength to you- I like others could not be with a man like this.

Wow absolutely get rid, this is so wrong
At my father in laws recent funeral there were 2 ex daughter in laws there, its called showing respect

sorry for your loss

Wtaf!!!! The DB can do what he wants!! The ex was family for 20 years and remained close to his MIL. I remember my dad’s and my Nan’s relationship they were like mother and son not mother in law and son in law.

He is close family.

He was “made to feel uncomfortable”?

You were burying your mum after a sudden loss. That’s about as fucking uncomfortable as life can get, and he throws a strop so you have to placate him on that day?

I’d be full of rage at him and it would make me re think the relationship. What a baby.

Of course he's not the priority why should he be. Do not get used to being treated like this. How long have you been with this man?

For context when my DM died my ex DH came to her funeral and my current DH asked him if he wanted to stay over at ours as he had driven a long way. OK maybe a bit extreme but the point being this is about you and your needs not his.

Raise your bar @PirateDays

Your DH is an absolute bastard.
I’m so sorry for the loss of your mother.