To despair at dd12 eating habits?

[Dunnesbest]

She is unbelievably fussy and I think I've tied myself up in knots trying to figure it out and I'm making it worse.

She has been fussy for a few years now. She's generally hard work so everything is a battle. She really only wants to eat plain pasta with cheese and brocolli, or instant noodles. She'll eat carabonara, bolognese and sometimes a basic chicken curry. If a meal isn't those she complains, doesn't eat it, then looks for carby night time snacks. She's overweight. She does eat fruit but has to be in the mood.

Meal times had become a battle so to take the pressure off I've been letting her have the pasta broccoli dinner while we have something else. This has just made her extra fussy and now I feel like I've rewarded her picky eating and made it worse.

She has some other issues with friends, rigidity etc so I have her on a waiting list for autism assessment. She was bullied in the past so it could be just rigidity and anxiety as an effect of thst. It could also be that she has just been spoiled. She doesn't like hearing people eat, and since I've brought attention to that and told her she may have 'sensory issues' the disliking people eating has magnified x 1000 that she's ruining mealtimes so again I let her leave the table. (She doesn't say anything just sits with her hands over her ears/ sighs etc.)

I think I just need it spelled out to me what to do. I've tried Internet suggestions eg different bowls at the table but I must be doing everything wrong because nothing works.

I do admit I tend towards a permissive parenting style which I'm really working hard to change. I find it hard to be tough on her in case there is some neurodiversity there and I'm just treating her like she's spoiled. Dh strategy would be to let her away with nothing but because I'm the cook we kind of go by my rules with this.

Be gentle, reading this back I realise I seem like a bit of a wet lettuce 😳. I really would welcome some constructive advice please.

I would take away any control and let her eat what she wants. From your post it’s likely it’s a sensory reason linked to autism and general NT advice won’t work.

Have you looked up ARFID? It’s an absolute myth that you can’t have it if you are overweight so do consider it. Even though obtaining a diagnosis can be difficult as it has a high threshold and isn’t dealt with in many place, following the advice and suggestions there could be beneficial for you and her.

Excellent advice. Everything this poster wrote is what I would of given too.

good luck OP.

I'm autistic. I'm 27. Also an extremely picky eater and have been for my whole life. It's only recently that I've begun to try new food, but sometimes I do have a meltdown beforehand. I literally have to pinch my nose and put the food into my mouth, chew it a few times and then let go of my nose so I can absorb the full flavour. I've been ill recently and haven't been able to taste anything so I've been relying solely on my safe foods because I'm so texture sensitive that I can't eat new food if I can't taste it or smell it beforehand. If I have to rely on texture for new food, I can't eat said new food.

My son is 7 and also likely autistic. He doesn't even eat cooked meals because the texture can vary so wildly.

In regards to your daughter, I would suggest putting one or two pieces of new, unfamiliar food on her plate with her regular, safe food. Don't mention it. Don't pressure her to touch, sniff or lick it. Literally just put it on the plate and put it down in front of her. If she mentions it, just say "you can try it if you like, but I won't be upset if you don't." Keep doing this. Do not take a break from doing this. Maybe she'll eventually try it, maybe she won't. But autistic people who are food-sensitive don't give in to pressure. This might be a bit controversial, but I don't think exposure to new food is harmful as long as there is no pressure to eat it.

I promise she isn't doing it to be awkward or to annoy you. It is a legitimate fear for some, if not most, autistic people. I'm sure you know this though. Sending hugs xx

Edited to add: don't let the new, unfamiliar food touch the safe, familiar food on her plate. Give it to her on a separate plate if needs be xx

Edited again: (sorry, new thoughts keep coming to my head) keep all meal times nonchalant and casual. Don't say "don't forget to eat this, this or this!" Let her eat what her body is asking her to eat xx

I’m afraid I disagree and I’d be a bit firmer with her. I’d make curry and bolognese weekly meals so you know she will be fine with these. I’d let breakfast and lunch be meals she’s happy with. For the other five dinners I’d do normal family food and expect her to join in or go hungry. I’d definitely think about making it inclusive by serving elements in separate bowls and adding some plain elements too.
I would also add fruit or natural yogurt after dinner so she won’t starve.

Everyone is entitled to their opinion but I think unless you’ve actually had a picky eater, and I don’t mean picky but will eventually eat if they are hungry, the advice you’ve given can be harmful.

OP cannot just offer fruit and yogurt after dinner if her DC doesn’t eat, she simply will just go to bed starving, she clearly has anxiety towards food.

The more stern and harsh you become “eat this, or eat nothing” can highten any anxiety and is going to make any existing issues a lot worse.

OP should probably get a professional involved and maybe should have done a little while ago.

Thanks for your advice. I honestly thought I would be flamed and be told to tell her eat this or nothing. So I'm surprised at the very kind responses. So could I clarify- just keep letting her eat the plain pasta etc ? No concern for nutrition etc? Maybe we could come up with a list of safe foods and include them each day? I worry about the instant noodles every day/ the salt content etc. I'm not sure how to go forward. But I'm honestly relieved to go down this route and not the eat or go without route.

It depends. Not every fussy eater has neurodiversity. Sometimes kids are just fussy and need some encouragement. We have become far too soft on our kids and quick to label any behaviour so as to have a reason behind it

Please reach out to your GP and get some professional help x

Keep letting her eat the plain pasta. If she'll have vitamins, whether in gummy or liquid form, give her multivitamins. My son likes the Asda own, strawberry flavoured multivitamins. They used to be in an orange flavour but they changed it 🙄 I'll see if I can find a picture of the ones my son takes and I'll reply to my comment with the image xx

My DS was like this.

honestly I went down the path of:
family style meals (so with fajitas separate bowls of salsa, two different fillings, cheese etc so choose your own filling)
getting him involved in cooking (a meal a week, at weekends)
trying a new food each week (usually a veg or fruit, sometimes nuts but he choose)

these strategies are long term strategies.

they do work in the sense that your child will (very slowly) expand the range of what they eat.
they don’t work in the sense that your child will within eight weeks be knocking back oysters and demanding exotic new foods.

what I can tell you does not work is making them eat food that they don’t want to because they will simply go hungry. My mum went down that route and I got used to hunger. I was also a very fussy eater as a kid and as an adult I now know I’m lactose intolerant.

Could you blend up a small amount veg and put it in the carbonara or bolognaise. Just an idea, nothing much but something.

This is a very quick way to get her to stop trusting her food is safe and to refuse it altogether.

If you are concerned about nutrition get them to take multivitamins.

also, most humans in the west eat a far, far more varied diet than is necessary for your body to be healthy. The basic diet in many places is very repetitive and very simple.

the human body is genuinely quite good at extracting what it needs from food over the medium term. That’s why doctors are generally not worried about fussy eating unless it’s down at the “will only eat one brand of crisps” level.

push multivitamins into them. They’re designed to be appealing - get the kids sweetie type ones.

if you are concerned about nutrition focus your efforts on getting your child to try different fresh fruit and veg. Fruit is generally easier (it’s sweeter).

https://www.asda.com/groceries/product/9227227?oldCo=true

These ones, @Dunnesbest xx

The more stern and harsh was the route my mother went, i still to this day cant eat roast beef, the smell of it makes me vomit. I never ate peas till i met my now husband. I dont like certain foods mixing either.
OP let her go, let her eat the bland food, get her to take multi viamins, bit also get her to help cook if she interested. Though i detest cooking, if i didn't have to eat i wouldn't cook, i also cant bear to taste food as am cooking, am lucky married to a man that loves cooking and has slowly helped encourage me to try new foods. But am still fussy, and am in my mod 40's

My DD is 12 and was diagnosed ASD back in May. While she was always a little fussy with food, it has really increased over the last year. I was never one for cooking separate meals but I’ve had to backdown.

Since taking a more relaxed approach, I’ve noticed her reducing sweet snacks and upping her fruit intake. I make sure she has a multi vitamin and few nutri shakes per week.

I’ve started watching cooking shows when she’s on the sofa with me (Jamie’s eat yourself healthy is a good one), just in the hope hearing about the benefits of different foods will start to go in.

Hope you don’t have to wait too much longer for her assessment.

Desire for carby snacks along with rest of behaviour could also be adhd.

I have one. She likes bread but not sandwiches🤷🏼‍♀️🤷🏼‍♀️

Just wanted to second the suggestion of getting your DD involved in preparing/assembling food.

I have ADHD and eat most things now but had periods of being very fussy. I’ve eaten 3 meals on repeat for months, only had 10 safe foods and couldn’t eat any food that touched for a while.

My parents tried all the usual no alternative/hiding ingredients/etc but the more stressed/anxious I am, the more restrictive my eating becomes so it had the opposite effect. Giving me control over food through prep/assembly helps me to feel safe and comfortable eating which in turn meant I was more likely to try things.

The main thing is she’s fed, ignore others who’d sooner starve children as part of a power play.

This comment makes me feel better about my eating habits, to be honest 😭 thank you

can you get her involved in the food prep - chopping and steaming some broccoli, boiling the pasta so she can see how it starts and how it tastes. Dish everything on serving plates in the middle of the table so everyone helps themselves to what and is in control of how much they take.

it’ll take months to undo the associations she’s made I’m sure but as others have said you need to give her the control back

If she is overweight, she's not eating a healthy diet. As her mom you should make sure the food offered to her is healthy. More healthy protein, less carbs. No snacking in between meals. Just stop buying snacks - they're not healthy for anyone. If she doesn't want to eat her meal then it won't harm her if she goes hungry from time to time as she weighs too much anyway. But you need to have some boundaries and stay firm with this. Explain to her what foods are unhealthy to eat and the effects of diabetes in the future. At 12 she should understand this already. In most of countries in the world kids eat what they are given at home by parents. If the child is healthy with no allergies, nobody will dance around the child, asking everyday what they would like to eat and allowing to snack before bedtime!

I have one DC who’s like this, also autistic and would probably be borderline for an ARFID diagnosis. Your DD is a bit older and it sounds as though food may be a way of communicating other things going on for her? I know when DS starts restricting what he’ll eat, it often means something else is causing anxiety and it’s not about the food, it’s about what he can control.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with taking the path of least resistance and giving her what you know she will eat. Pasta with cheese and broccoli is a perfectly nutritious meal and much better for her than sneaking down and loading up with crisps and biscuits when everyone is in bed. What does she do for breakfast and lunch?

There are some great suggestions upthread around ARFID. One thing that sometimes works for us when DS is tightening up what he’ll eat is to sit down together, calmly, not at a mealtime, and make a list of meals and/or foods he is willing to eat. We then usually do a meal plan for dinners for the week. Because he knows what is coming, he knows it’s meals he will eat and he has agreed, it tends to provoke fewer issues in the moment. If dinner is your flashpoint, might be worth a try?

If she’s struggling with fruit and veg, another thing that works for us is having stuff on the table for everyone to help themselves to. We did a lot of basic lunches over the summer like this - sliced, buttered baguette, cheese, ham, and a big platter of chopped up fruit and veg. I find both mine eat a much wider variety when it’s served up like this and they can just take a couple of bits of satsuma rather than having a whole one, for instance.

Good luck, it can be soul destroying.

This, it sounds like you give in to her a lot. Id at least try being firmer, it sounds like shes just been used to getting her own way quite easily so is now used to it.
Lots of children will kick up a bit of a fuss over foods that arent their favourites, its how you handle it when they are younger that determines how persistent they get about it when they are older.
You say she 'looks for carby snacks' if shes not eaten her dinner, by looking for them do you mean she asks you for them and you eventually give in because you dont like her being hungry?
She shouldnt be allowed to just help herself to junk because she didnt fancy the healthier tea
Literally 95% of kids would turn down dinner if they thought a bit of pester power and whinging would get them easy palatable stuff like buttery toast, crisps etc instead

You have no idea do you? I think all desperate parents of ND have tried those suggestions🙄

She didn’t say sweets or chocolate. She said carbs. Probably bread and cereal. Which are staples in most houses, so she can’t stop buying them.

Eating is part of the sensory seeking/avoiding issues of ND. If only it was as easy as you suggest.