To despair at dd12 eating habits?

[Dunnesbest]

She is unbelievably fussy and I think I've tied myself up in knots trying to figure it out and I'm making it worse.

She has been fussy for a few years now. She's generally hard work so everything is a battle. She really only wants to eat plain pasta with cheese and brocolli, or instant noodles. She'll eat carabonara, bolognese and sometimes a basic chicken curry. If a meal isn't those she complains, doesn't eat it, then looks for carby night time snacks. She's overweight. She does eat fruit but has to be in the mood.

Meal times had become a battle so to take the pressure off I've been letting her have the pasta broccoli dinner while we have something else. This has just made her extra fussy and now I feel like I've rewarded her picky eating and made it worse.

She has some other issues with friends, rigidity etc so I have her on a waiting list for autism assessment. She was bullied in the past so it could be just rigidity and anxiety as an effect of thst. It could also be that she has just been spoiled. She doesn't like hearing people eat, and since I've brought attention to that and told her she may have 'sensory issues' the disliking people eating has magnified x 1000 that she's ruining mealtimes so again I let her leave the table. (She doesn't say anything just sits with her hands over her ears/ sighs etc.)

I think I just need it spelled out to me what to do. I've tried Internet suggestions eg different bowls at the table but I must be doing everything wrong because nothing works.

I do admit I tend towards a permissive parenting style which I'm really working hard to change. I find it hard to be tough on her in case there is some neurodiversity there and I'm just treating her like she's spoiled. Dh strategy would be to let her away with nothing but because I'm the cook we kind of go by my rules with this.

Be gentle, reading this back I realise I seem like a bit of a wet lettuce 😳. I really would welcome some constructive advice please.

One suggestion - plain, tinned chickpeas, beans and other legumes, rinsed well and served as is on the plate. Sometimes kids struggle with eg berries because they're individually unpredictable - juicy, squashy, sour etc. A tinned chickpea is pretty indistinguishable from every other chickpea in the tin, doesn't have a super-strong flavour, plus they're packed with nutrients, and they're good for picking up with fingers if need be.

Edit for typo

My son has ARFID and we were advised to let him eat his safe foods and offer new foods on a different plate. We don't pressure him about what he eats. Its a mostly beige diet but every now and then he adds a new food.

Get the ASD issue resolved first.

Because any advice about fussy eaters is dependent on whether or not there is another underlying issue at play.

E.g.

If there is no underlying issue and she (like many children) is just fussy, then I would advise being less flexible with food. It is pretty clear to anyone who lives outside of the U.K./Western countries that, freedom = fussyness for children. The more control you give them, the more they control things to what they like, which just re-enforces a narrow diet. In other cultures where it is "We are eating this, it is what you have, no alternatives" - expectation from an early age, and a rule that is so ingrained that the child wouldn't even think to complain or ask for something eles - fussy eating is much less of a thing. Parents in the U.K. think they are being kind and gentle, but actually, they are just enabling fussiness..

But again, that only works for children who don't have other underlying medical complications. Doing that with an autistic child? or one with an eating disorder? Not going to go well...

Well not quite. You and I both used a similar fact, ie many humans having very limited food choices throughout their lives, to make different points.

What you first wrote was:

'Leave her hungry, you'll find her palette widens very quickly'

Your view is that many humans not having had a lot of dietary options apparently automatically means palettes widen if they're denied the foods they know. Other, more sensible people pointed out that this is guesswork on your part, and that the acknowledged reality for many humans of very few foodstuff choices means the natural selection you claimed to be relevant wouldn't have kicked in, in many circumstances. The fact that trying new foods has been dangerous and killed off some humans has also been completely ignored by you, which is not surprising as it's rather a problem for your argument.

Again, to conclude, you're free to believe whatever fallacies you like. Have a great life

Again, to continue, you are claiming things as fact that are actually assumption.

It's also bemusing that you felt the need to make the argument on a thread about a child who's got a higher than average chance of being SEN, when even you don't think it necessarily applies in such cases. This is why it's important to read before typing.

She has the exact same eating habits as my ten year old ! I’m in the same position so hard to give any advice . Like you I gave in because it’s better to eat something than nothing . Broccoli and pasta aren’t too bad I guess

My DS is autistic and has lots of issues around food. If I followed the advice given above it would be extremely stressful & would send him into absolute meltdown.

When my brother was younger and was struggling with an extremely limited diet of bacon chocolate and white fish only we came to live with my nan for a bit and she thought she'd show him some tough love and that would get him to eat. He was just being fussy, children won't starve themselves.

He was admitted to hospital by day 3 with hypoglycemia and his skin was almost see through.

You can't starve out neurodivergence. It just doesn't work like that. There's no amount of being strict that will work.

I'd rather have a fat, happy, fed child than one who is malnourished, underweight and at risk of serious complications.

I have 3 kids and whatever I give them for lunch/dinner they need to eat. Breakfast is the only meal they can choose. If they don’t like what they are being served, they are free to stay hungry. But no alternative such as fruits/snacks are offered. My second one was super fussy and now he eats everything with no complaints. However, if you DD might have any other underline issues I would personally get advice from specialists as she might need extra support. Good luck!

Has she always been restricted/fussy with foods, or did something change? What sort of carby snacks does she have access to?

@usernamealreadytaken she was fantastic as a baby and toddler, would eat anything. Her weight increased the fussier she got. She just seems hungry all the time, we're in a vicious circle where she's hungry an hour after eating the carbs so eats more. I serve protein, veg, fruit etc but let her choose what to eat. She'll fill up on the carbs. This has got worse over the last maybe 2 years, which, along with other issues, has made mw start to think there may be a deeper problem.

The carbs she has access to are pasta(white), wholemeal bread, oatcakes, cereal (brand branflakes or cornflakes).

@usernamealreadytaken she was fantastic as a baby and toddler, would eat anything. Her weight increased the fussier she got. She just seems hungry all the time, we're in a vicious circle where she's hungry an hour after eating the carbs so eats more. I serve protein, veg, fruit etc but let her choose what to eat. She'll fill up on the carbs. This has got worse over the last maybe 2 years, which, along with other issues, has made mw start to think there may be a deeper problem.

The carbs she has access to are pasta(white), wholemeal bread, oatcakes, cereal (brand branflakes or cornflakes).

My son was similar and the constant hunger was actually more about a dopamine comfort release when eating and a need for oral stimulation. As a baby loved his dummy. Even as a newborn would feed and feed so I added water to bottles which you should never do in case you fill a baby up and they don’t get enough nutrition. It got
better with age/maturity and self control.