To despair at dd12 eating habits?

[Dunnesbest]

She is unbelievably fussy and I think I've tied myself up in knots trying to figure it out and I'm making it worse.

She has been fussy for a few years now. She's generally hard work so everything is a battle. She really only wants to eat plain pasta with cheese and brocolli, or instant noodles. She'll eat carabonara, bolognese and sometimes a basic chicken curry. If a meal isn't those she complains, doesn't eat it, then looks for carby night time snacks. She's overweight. She does eat fruit but has to be in the mood.

Meal times had become a battle so to take the pressure off I've been letting her have the pasta broccoli dinner while we have something else. This has just made her extra fussy and now I feel like I've rewarded her picky eating and made it worse.

She has some other issues with friends, rigidity etc so I have her on a waiting list for autism assessment. She was bullied in the past so it could be just rigidity and anxiety as an effect of thst. It could also be that she has just been spoiled. She doesn't like hearing people eat, and since I've brought attention to that and told her she may have 'sensory issues' the disliking people eating has magnified x 1000 that she's ruining mealtimes so again I let her leave the table. (She doesn't say anything just sits with her hands over her ears/ sighs etc.)

I think I just need it spelled out to me what to do. I've tried Internet suggestions eg different bowls at the table but I must be doing everything wrong because nothing works.

I do admit I tend towards a permissive parenting style which I'm really working hard to change. I find it hard to be tough on her in case there is some neurodiversity there and I'm just treating her like she's spoiled. Dh strategy would be to let her away with nothing but because I'm the cook we kind of go by my rules with this.

Be gentle, reading this back I realise I seem like a bit of a wet lettuce 😳. I really would welcome some constructive advice please.

Thanks for all your replies. So in the bolognese chilli etc there is at least half veg/ lentils. Its always been this way and she accepts this as long as they're not too big. It's the pressure around food that is the issue. But in trying to take the pressure off I've let her eat unhealthily, eat mountains of carbs and become overweight. I'm having difficulty reversing that without being too hard on her and giving her more issues, which I think I've already inadvertently done already 😪

Im not sure why everyone is acting as though this child is definitely ND.
She hasnt been diagnosed with anything. Her mum has just speculated.
Her mum has also admitted she knows shes quite a permissive parent? Sometimes its not neurodiversity. Not every behahioural thing is neurodiversity.

I understand OP.. I’ve been there. The only option is damage limitation.

My dd was like this at 12. When she was later put on adhd meds they transformed her life and she lost the weight.

But at 12 all you can do is model healthy eating. Trying to discuss it just makes it worse. I had to hold my nerve from 12 to 17 and not mention weight. I’m really glad now that l don’t.

I agree with the others saying don’t push her to eat anything she doesn’t want. The chicken curry, pasta, cheese and broccoli are all good food. She will probably very gradually try other things.

Whether it's autism, ADHD or just food anxiety, it doesn't matter. OP has speculated her daughter may be autistic, so people are commenting with support from a place of understanding ND food difficulties. It's not that hard to be empathetic. Maybe you could try it sometime?

Yes get a professional involved. I think neurodivergent or not, if you continue to limit their foods and allow them to be picky, nothing is going to change. But I also agree that pressure around mealtimes isn't going to help. I don't think there's anything more you can do as a parent other than keep offering and try and stick to structured meal times as much as possible.

If it was me Id be offering foods they like alongside foods they don't like and would just persevere but my children are a lot younger than yours, I'm not sure how it would work with a 12 year old.

But this particular fussy eater has multiple other traits associated with neurodivergence, to the extent that she's got past NHS waiting list gatekeeping. Which means the chances of her being ND are higher than they would be in the general population. And that the barometer we use needs to be the likelihood of a person who has multiple ND associated traits and met the waiting list critieria having a random unrelated fussiness with food, as opposed to a fussiness with food that's related to her other traits.

Nothing you've written shows any understanding of that.

You put this a lot more nicely than I did

Let her eat her safe foods. But each day offer her something that you're eating or trying a new snack. Just offer it, don't force her or badger her.

Hopefully her repertoire will increase with time. I know people who only eat about six different foods. At least she does eat quite a few variations on the pasta. And she likes broccoli!

Don’t do this. This is awful advice for a child with sensory issues. She’s not being difficult she’s finding things difficult. You can’t force a child with sensory issues to eat things they don’t like

My autistic daughter would only eat a few different foods, up to being in her twenties then was able to introduce more.
As long as she is eating go with the same foods if you can, sensory issues are really difficult.

I have 2 diagnosed ND children. One overweight, one underweight both food issues.

With regards to "pickiness" with my underweight child they have a plate with partitions so food is seperate. I will make sure that his plate has safe foods on, and if I think he might like try something me and his sibling have, ill put a portion of it in one of the sections on the plate. This means he wont reject the whole thing, but will leave that section. I dont put pressure on him to try it but its there.

Me and eldest had sausage pasta, he likes pasta, and sausages but not everything mixed together. So on his separated plate he had pasta, cheese, sausage with the skin cut off, and a very small portion of the tomato sauce.

He also doesnt like the "demand" of eating a sit down meal. My eldest cant stand the sound of chewing and others eating, it gives her the rage. So my daughter eats her meal in her room. My son has his separated plate on the sofa and will graze. He prefers most food room temperature and doesnt really do hot meals.

A lot of children who have extreme pickiness and only eat the same kind of food do this because its predictable. Pasta is pasta, it doesnt change. Where as strawberries for example it could be soft, it could be a bit harder, it might taste sharp, sweet, watery.

With my eldest, who is overweight, I made swaps, she too loves instant noodles, look around for the smaller packets, and try to find the "healthiest" i mean they aren't going to be healthy but you can find one that is slightly better. I swapped ice cream to sorbet. Crisps for lentil chips.

Im aware that my eldest still doesnt have a great diet, but with all her issues, realistically that just something that isnt going to be possible right now. So I aim for better rather than perfect.

The fruit and veg she does eat, can you get the same brand each time? So its more predictable. And add something she does like to it. Veg with tomato ketchup for example. Fruit with a bit of 0% fat squirty cream and a few mini marshmallows.

Id do as PP poster said and look at ARFID, maybe Autism and PDA too. This isnt to diagnose or anything but some of the suggestions work for any kid and any family.

With regards to her becoming more sensory when you raise the subject. It might actually be that theres issues she cant articulate, or is aware of, but now youve mentioned sensory issues she's realised that some of the things that were bothering her are related to this and she's now trying to navigate what sensory issues are to her and how to manage them. Which takes trial and error for anyone at any age.

I think youre doing a great job, you obviously care a lot about this issue.

You dont need to be a perfect parent, you just do your best.

I couldn't have put this any better myself!

Tell her to make her own food. And buy some vitamins.

I commented with my perspective as someone with ADHD but as others have already said, it doesn’t matter if it’s a ND or general anxiety.

My niece isn’t ND but is quite an anxious child and a fussy eater, despite my sister offering new foods and restricting snacks. We started making pizzas with her; no tomato sauce and v few toppings on hers but she helped add them to pizzas for the rest of the family. Over time, she tried the tomato sauce and then some of the other toppings, increasing the range of food she eats.

Pressuring her wouldn’t have worked, even though she’s NT. It would just have caused her more anxiety and further entrenched her habits.

My son (2) has a paediatric feeding disorder, currently tube fed but having private feeding therapy to try to improve this.

have a look at the 12 steps to introducing new foods.

basically you start with tolerating a food on the table, then progress to poking with a fork, then finger etc etc all the way up to eating . You do this with EVERY food .

its a loooonnnggg process, I’ve been doing this for a year now and my son will currently taste 24 foods - from absolutely 0.

the key is to take the pressure off eating and make it about exploring, it’s hard and frustrating and I’ve cried many tears , but with persistence it’s doable xx

I'll share what worked for my severely autistic son, who developed food aversion from the age of 10 months to around 8 years old. He's definitely not a connoisseur of foods these days but he has made so much progress that I no longer worry about his nutrition.

Introduce a new food - not at dinner time. Just a random time of the day. Make it casual. Have a small bit of the food on the plate. Say what it is. Get your child to look at the food, ask them to touch it. If they won't, don't stress. Try again later or the next day. Progress to them picking it up, getting used to how it feels etc. Ask them to smell it, touch it to their lips, pick it up. All with no pressure. Gotta stay chill! Last step is for them to taste it. This process can take weeks for one food.
My son has gone from a child who only ate jam sandwiches (!) to eating spag bol, fish and chips, roast chicken, even steak!

Please please be patient.

Your child isn't doing this to be awkward. It is often genuine anxiety and/or sensory issues. Imagine someone putting a plate of worms in front of you and telling you had to eat it or there's nothing else. That's the fear a lot of our nd kids have.

Nobody is suggesting OP starves her child. But ND or not , the child has to learn that we can’t always have what we want at every meal. So I agree with being relaxed about the pasta etc etc and not making meals a battle, but it’s not a big deal if sometimes the child doesn’t get a full meal as long as there’s a snack available. She’ll go to bed a bit hungry but not starving

*32 steps - apologies - chunky fingers 😂

My dd is a very fussy eater and I sympathise.

I tend to sneak nutrients in where I can. She likes a smoothie at breakfast so I buy frozen berries and she will make a smoothie for breakfast. I make soup once a week and blend it till smooth. She will cucumber and carrot sticks but hates cooked carrot will eat carrot soup. For my dd it's definitely sensory and to do with textures and smells. I find that she has often decided not to like something based on the colour, texture or smell. When she was younger I made chicken korma at home every week which she ate so we tried eating out at an Indian restaurant. The Korma came and it was a different colour with almond flakes on top. The rice had some seeds in. She wouldn't eat any of it. She will now try new versions of chicken korma so it is improving. She is just highly suspicious of food in general. I used despair at the "just expose them to it 10x" advice from the health visitors. 10 years later and we are still trying to consider a roast parsnip which looks very much like a roast potato....and in fact has been eaten by accident and not even noticed.

This is what we did with DD2 - bit less organised but over years.

She still a fussy eater but eats a mostly normal diet - though TBH her older two siblings who once ate most things have also gotten more and more fussy with age.

My son is a fussy eater he doesn’t have any SEN, but has sensory issues around food, won’t eat fruit, won’t eat gammon anymore as too chewy. I could go on. He’s always been like this and I just have to accommodate him. They get to an age where they have to make their food choices. He always has the chance to try and eat other foods but I’m not going to force him into things he doesn’t like. As he’s grown older he hardly eats sugared foods, just eats the min of foods he likes. So yes this is a good ten years of a lot of seperate dinners for him but I’ve never seen it as an issue.

She really only wants to eat plain pasta with cheese and brocolli, or instant noodles. She'll eat carabonara, bolognese and sometimes a basic chicken curry.

This is a long way off being the worst list of safe foods I have ever heard! She eats a green vegetable, she eats protein, she eats something with calcium in it and she eats bolognese with veg/lentils. Take your wins where you can find them! I would introduce gummy multivitamins if you think that might be possible. I mean they basically taste like sweets. And the only thing that is not a good meal out of those options is instant noodles just because they are so salty, so I'd probably try not to let her have those more than once a week. Could you branch out into some different flavours of instant noodles, perhaps and try a different one each week? Just thinking some new tastes that she likes may help her view food more positively.

Can you freeze portions of the food she likes ready to heat? That way the rest of the family can have something different (and maybe ask her to have a tiny portion on a side plate to try or not as she likes).

I would also limit snacks given that she is overweight, but when she is allowed one then it should be something she likes even if that is just carbs - just perhaps a smaller portion.

We are in a very similar position with DD 14 and are also awaiting ASD assessment.
She is a VERY fussy/picky and only really has 4/5 safe meals as such. The daily echo off

“what’s for tea”

Offer explanation of typical family night meal

“ok I’ll just make my own”

Is really frustrating.

DH is more lenient than me and is quite happy to cook separately for her and let her eat how and what she wants where I would like her to conform a little bit more so we could get some routine into meal times and variety into diet but I understand it’s likely linked to Autism and isn’t something she can control.

I think for me it’s the fact that she used to be able to eat and cope better with meal times, she would try more, understood the importance of fruit and veg in our diet as well as limiting things that weren’t as nutritious, she also used to be a lot more sporty and just healthier in general, in my head I just can’t comprehend that as you get older you become less bothered about these things rather than more.

Teach her how to make a good tomato sauce, how to add veg, and let her own cooking / cook for the family.

ASD DD.. currently training to be a chef. I left her to it with her food, almost as she started high school. Got her to look up recipes, let me know what she fancied cooking, took her shopping, let her get in with it.

Just removed the pressure from meal times.