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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To despair at dd12 eating habits?

214 replies

Dunnesbest · 22/09/2025 10:03

She is unbelievably fussy and I think I've tied myself up in knots trying to figure it out and I'm making it worse.

She has been fussy for a few years now. She's generally hard work so everything is a battle. She really only wants to eat plain pasta with cheese and brocolli, or instant noodles. She'll eat carabonara, bolognese and sometimes a basic chicken curry. If a meal isn't those she complains, doesn't eat it, then looks for carby night time snacks. She's overweight. She does eat fruit but has to be in the mood.

Meal times had become a battle so to take the pressure off I've been letting her have the pasta broccoli dinner while we have something else. This has just made her extra fussy and now I feel like I've rewarded her picky eating and made it worse.

She has some other issues with friends, rigidity etc so I have her on a waiting list for autism assessment. She was bullied in the past so it could be just rigidity and anxiety as an effect of thst. It could also be that she has just been spoiled. She doesn't like hearing people eat, and since I've brought attention to that and told her she may have 'sensory issues' the disliking people eating has magnified x 1000 that she's ruining mealtimes so again I let her leave the table. (She doesn't say anything just sits with her hands over her ears/ sighs etc.)

I think I just need it spelled out to me what to do. I've tried Internet suggestions eg different bowls at the table but I must be doing everything wrong because nothing works.

I do admit I tend towards a permissive parenting style which I'm really working hard to change. I find it hard to be tough on her in case there is some neurodiversity there and I'm just treating her like she's spoiled. Dh strategy would be to let her away with nothing but because I'm the cook we kind of go by my rules with this.

Be gentle, reading this back I realise I seem like a bit of a wet lettuce 😳. I really would welcome some constructive advice please.

OP posts:
Outside9 · 22/09/2025 21:10

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Wexone · 22/09/2025 21:11

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wow you are scrapping the barrel now

Nestingbirds · 22/09/2025 21:13

Outside9 · 22/09/2025 21:07

My point was; Children who would have refused food to the point of starvation / death would certainly have been in minority.

Contrary to your post I've read a number of books on human behaviour prior to the agricultural revolution. But you're free to believe in whatever fantasies you want.

What is the ultimate aim of force feeding? You move from a fussy eater to one with a serious, life threatening eating disorder, have you any idea what the mortality rate is of anorexia? I am truly shocked by your posts.

GarlicBreadStan · 22/09/2025 21:13

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OnTheRoof · 22/09/2025 21:13

Outside9 · 22/09/2025 21:07

My point was; Children who would have refused food to the point of starvation / death would certainly have been in minority.

Contrary to your post I've read a number of books on human behaviour prior to the agricultural revolution. But you're free to believe in whatever fantasies you want.

Then your point has failed to consider that in a lot of cases, there'd have been no refusal involved. The limited options would be a function of life for many humans, and so the question of eating beyond one's comfort zone wouldn't have existed. It follows that there's no natural selection either for or against having a wider repertoire in such circumstances, because it just doesn't happen.

You are free of course to make claims that you can't prove, using terms that you don't even bother to define. But nobody is under any obligation to place any value on your unevidenced blustering, even if you do claim to have read a book. Especially not when you fail to address the bleeding obvious point that being willing to try new things would've killed some people off in itself.

Soontobesingles · 22/09/2025 21:16

I would find a halfway house with this. She needs to have the option of food she will eat, so several times a week the dinners need to be things she actively enjoys. Other dinners can have elements she will eat and then new foods or ones she is less keen on as an optional extra. I also always serve ‘family style’ so that all the dishes are in the middle of the table (e.g. rice, fish, veggies, salad, sauce) and everyone helps themselves to what they like. I also have a range of snacks in the fridge, which can be used to supplement.

AgapanthusPink · 22/09/2025 21:22

My 25 year old son, who is on the list for an autism assessment, has always had an issue with food. I actually wondered if it was because he was fed via a tube through his nose for the first few days of his life so didn't associate eating being a pleasurable experience? I have always wondered if anyone has done any research in to that.

Anyway he tells me it’s actually more about texture than taste. When he was 7 for a full year the only meal he ate was sausage, pasta and sweetcorn whilst the rest of the family ate whatever. After a year he asked if he could try some chicken and since then his repertoire has expanded somewhat. When we ate out I didn’t insist that he ate a conventional meal and he always found something he could eat. Garlic nan in an Indian, rice in a Chinese then pork fried rice, garlic bread in an Italian where he now eats pizza, spaghetti bolognese and lasagne. I feels it’s been more of a case of letting him make his own choices and not forcing him. It’s not held him back and if his friends suggest going for a meal he’ll always go and find something even when they decided to go to a Thai vegan restaurant. He is also the healthiest person I know and didnt miss a day of school through illness other than when he was 5 and he collapsed at school and it turned out he wasn’t eating. It turned out he was eating a bit of dry toast at breakfast club, nothing at lunch and then half a cream cheese bagel and a yoghurt for tea. I thought he was having a cooked meal at lunchtime so when he wasn’t eating much at tea I wasn’t that concerned but after he collapsed I went with packed lunches and a cooked meal in the evening.

It puts paid to all those know it alls who say ‘they’ll eat when they’re hungry’ or ‘they won’t starve’ and insist you should make them eat what everyone else is. It was quite clear that if you gave him found he didn’t feel he could eat he just wouldn’t eat it it and wouldn’t even start asking for things like crisps and sweets like other children would do. He literally would starve.

I would just let her eat her ‘safe foods’ as long as she’s getting calories in to her. Don’t turn food into a battle which just makes everything worse and in my experience is counter productive.

Coffeeismyfriend1 · 22/09/2025 21:23

I have an autistic 8 year old and dinner wise he will only eat plain pasta, plain rice, plain noodles, plain cous cous, potatoes in most forms, chicken nuggets/fish fingers type things. He will eat carrots, peas and green beans. He has recently started to eat scrambled eggs and omelettes too.

For the eating with other issue can you try ear defenders or loop earplugs? Might block out the sound of other eating.

A lot of what you say sounds like autism. The whole ‘a kid won’t starve themselves, they’ll eat eventually if you don’t give them a choice’ really doesn’t apply to autism. Kids with autism will starve themselves if there is no safe food available and there are cases where they have been hospitalised.

Outside9 · 22/09/2025 21:27

Nestingbirds · 22/09/2025 21:13

What is the ultimate aim of force feeding? You move from a fussy eater to one with a serious, life threatening eating disorder, have you any idea what the mortality rate is of anorexia? I am truly shocked by your posts.

You're expanding the topic to something else that wasn't being discussed to support your frail argument.

Neither I, nor the OP, mentioned force feeding or anorexia.

Jimmyneutronsforehead · 22/09/2025 21:29

If she's on the waiting list for an autism assessment then I think you will get a better understanding once that process has complete, if you've not much experience with autism.

There are lots of reasons someone with autism might be a picky eater.

There is a genuine NEED, not want or preference, for familiarity, routine and structure. Without it, mental health outcomes become extremely poor, and mental health outcomes are the worst statistically for intellectual autistic girls and women. At 12, one of the only things you can control is what you eat. You don't get much control over anything else.

Because of this, I would let her eat what she feels happiest eating, because the alternative is a heavily restricted diet to the point of anorexia, as it becomes an intense hyperfocus, especially if you make it about weight.

You can't tackle poor eating habits the same way as you would a NT person, because you can't feed or starve rigid thinking out of somebody.

Another reason is sensory. In our area, sensory profiling is usually done post-diagnosis, but you can do private sensory profiles, and it can help you better understand what sorts of foods and textures and flavours to try, in order to maximise nutritional value per meal.

I can also tell you now that the ARFID clinic primary approach is that a fed child is a happy child. When my brother was under the ED services for ARFID some 15-18 years ago, the advice they gave my mum was if he will only eat bacon and chocolate, that's what you give him. I thought surely the advice will have changed, but now my own son has been under them, they've said pretty much the same thing, if there are things he will eat, then that's what you give him. Even if some days that is just ice lollies, and other days it's super noodles, and then other days it's extortionate mcdonalds chicken nuggets.

Another reason the sensory profiling would benefit is because one of our senses is called interoception and that's the sense to tell what's going on inside our body, whether that's pain, hunger, thirst etc. and sometimes when you're autistic this sense can by hyper or hyposensitive, meaning you're either never hungry and can forget to eat, or you can be so hungry that you could eat a 3 course meal and still feel like you're starving because your body can't recognise the internal hunger and fullness signals properly. Placing too much emphasis on her weight won't necessarily make this sense regulate. It will make her feel flawed and ruin her self esteem.

You can ask to speak to a dietician, they can sometimes offer some reassurance and talk to you about different feeding methods.

The method we were told to go with was put everything on one tray that we wanted him to eat alongside the things he had chosen. So that might look like a bowl of noodles, an apple, some chopped strawberries, a bun, and a multivitamin fizzy drink, and just set it down, don't talk about it, let 'em eat what they want from it, and take it away after a few hours. Repeat for each meal. At least that way you're minimising pressure, and maximising the likelihood that something from all food groups will be consumed.

Outside9 · 22/09/2025 21:31

OnTheRoof · 22/09/2025 21:13

Then your point has failed to consider that in a lot of cases, there'd have been no refusal involved. The limited options would be a function of life for many humans, and so the question of eating beyond one's comfort zone wouldn't have existed. It follows that there's no natural selection either for or against having a wider repertoire in such circumstances, because it just doesn't happen.

You are free of course to make claims that you can't prove, using terms that you don't even bother to define. But nobody is under any obligation to place any value on your unevidenced blustering, even if you do claim to have read a book. Especially not when you fail to address the bleeding obvious point that being willing to try new things would've killed some people off in itself.

Your first paragraph is essentially my first point / post I made, and made in subsequent posts.

Options / choice is the issue. Good try though

Noname973 · 22/09/2025 21:34

I would focus on what she will eat. Can you agree on 4-5 meals your DD will eat that you can eat all together, i know you listed a few. Will she get involved in the cooking of said favourite meals? Can you encourage her to pick a menu and cook together. If you think she is having a tough day, set her up a tray of her favourite broccoli, cheese and pasta. Try again when she is more regulated.

What about back ground noise so chewing less obvious? Let her have a seat on the end so further away. Ensure people at the table eat with good manners (i have one who chews loudly and i personally hate it!).

I wouldn't argue over food, especially if she is displaying challenging behaviour - guarantee she isn't doing it on purpose and is finding life really tough so remove the demand. Keep trying and workign with her but don't stress it.

MargaretThursday · 22/09/2025 21:37

I was considered fussy as a child - although I realise now i wasn't really; just didn't like the food my parents served. One I was at uni and discovered exotic things like rice and pasta I found I was actually far more adventurous than the rest of my family.
However I (and both my dds) have an odd thing that the less I eat the less hungry I am. In fact, if I've been ill and eaten nothing for a couple of days I really struggle to eat anything, makes me feel sick. I'll win at any "if you won't eat this, then you don't have anything".
My throat closes up, and anything I try and eat is liable to come straight back up.

Dd2 was always a bad eater.

However my dd1 was a brilliant eater, ate anything, until she had pneumonia at 8yo. I think at 12yo we had about 6 things she'd eat. As an adult, she's still very careful about what she eats, but is much better. I don't have a miracle for you; but this is my advice from me and helping her:

  1. No commenting on how much she's eaten, even in a "well done way"
  2. No trying to persuade to eat something she doesn't like or doesn't want to try
  3. Give small portions. Nothing throws my appetite more (even now) than having a plate of food I know I won't finish
  4. Try and make sure that every meal there is something that she likes. For dd1 that was plain rice and/or sprouts for a while
  5. Offer to take her shopping and let her pick out some things to try - but don't do more than expect her to try it, if she doesn't like it, that's fine
  6. Getting the drink right can help with eating. I find a fizzy drink can really help at times; my dd found orange juice helped
  7. She may work better with several snacks a day rather than three meals. So if she wants a slice of toast when she comes home from school, a piece of cheese at 6pm and then an apple at 8pm, that's actually a reasonable meal
  8. I find eating something I'm not sure about easier with a distraction. So let her read or give her a snack during homework or if she's watching something
  9. If you do find something new she likes, then don't overdo it. Try not to have the same thing more than two days running (that can be tricky)
  10. If she says she doesn't like something, then don't push it. I have never been able to like something that I already don't and am told "just try it; I'm sure you'll love it"
  11. If she's ill give her what she wants. If that's coke and chocolate digestive biscuits then stick with it. Eating when ill is something that puts me off something quickly
  12. Smells, textures, tastes, all can mean that something is inedible to me. So just be aware of this. If the room smells of a food I can't stand I will struggle to eat the food I love
  13. Saying, "but you ate it yesterday" doesn't help. That's pressure to eat. Sometimes I may have something that I ate yesterday that I really can't face today. It's probably that I slightly choked it down yesterday, and today I'm not feeling 100% and that's enough to knock it out of being able to eat it. If you make me eat it, then I will not be able to choke it down next time
  14. Sometimes being too hungry can make it worse. Having a small snack when I am feeling hungry means it's more likely I can eat the meal than less likely
  15. Sometimes things like ketchup/mayo etc can help, even if you think it's odd. For me having crisps to eat vastly increases what I can eat. I think in my case it's texture; I don't like soggy things, and putting a crisp in my mouth can help me forget that the rest is soggy
  16. Mixing food items. I used to eat everything separately. Interestingly dd2 does the same, although she's never seen me do it. If she says "don't put it on the same plate" then take it seriously. If she ends up with six plates with everything separated then what's the problem?
Rexthesnail · 22/09/2025 21:40

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Jesus wept you went from having an opinion to being nasty in 2 pages. If you appeared to have a point at any stage youve gone and blown it. You just look petty and rude.

Hankunamatata · 22/09/2025 21:41

Try swapping instant noodles to fine dry egg noodles. Mine say they taste similar (fussy textures) to be ok. Then they add their own flavour or one fine just adds soya sauce

Matchalattecoco · 22/09/2025 21:42

Just to add, I read somewhere that if you cook pasta in boiling water with a stock cube/bone broth the pasta will absorb it and give her a bit more nutrition or could see if she’s ok with pasta made from chickpeas or lentils.

AgnesMcDoo · 22/09/2025 21:43

Totally sounds like neurodiversity. It’s not fussy eating.

let her eat what she wants as it’s nut worth the battles.

get a diagnosis as quickly as you can and then take it from there.

Outside9 · 22/09/2025 21:46

You've critiqued my post but not the ones that insulted me, so I'm not sure why I should care about your opinion.

Jimmyneutronsforehead · 22/09/2025 21:46

Also our dietician services were excellent at recommending sensory safe supplements. We get these spongebob fizzy drinks from superdrug for iron, to make up for the lack of meat eaten, and they talked to us about the 32 steps of eating which really helped us not make a big deal about if food wasn't consumed, and that interest in new foods is well into the 32 steps, and long before actually putting into into your mouth. This was revelationary to me as a worried parent, because it took a lot of stress away even seeing DS prod and poke the food, or use his hands to move it out of the way.

I also can't remember if it was a documentary I watched, or read something somewhere but there was something about what we consider food and it helped explain food anxiety in autistic people in a really clear way. I'll try and summarise.

So you might recognise chicken curry, or bolognese as food. In some parts of the world they will eat fried crickets, ants, and even chicks still in their eggs, or live octopus still squirming as you put it in your mouth. If you're not from those places, your brain will probably not automatically recognise that as food. In fact, you might even panic if you feel like you're forced to eat it. It might make you feel a bit queasy, uneasy, and repulsed to see a chicken foetus cooked in an egg being thrust infront of you while someone next to you eats it and tells you it's delicious. That instant lack of trust that something that is edible is food is what a lot of autistic people feel when some typical everyday foods are put infront of us. Our brains don't process the things infront of us as edible, even if those around us are eating it. You might eat something you've eaten for a long time, like a chicken stew, then one day the carrots or potatoes might not be fully cooked through, and it might have a bit of a crunch to it. No big deal to most people, but suddenly it isn't what your brain perceives as edible, and so there's that distrust sensation for that item of food.

Similarly, you might be given a chicken drumstick instead of a chicken breast, and when you bite into it you see the tendon or the vein, and it isn't what you usually find in chicken and the texture is a bit different so your subconscious tells you that is not food, it isn't edible, so now the only way you will eat chicken is once it's been ultra processed into a consistent uniform shape, flavour and texture.

ETA: Another example would be when you see some delicious cookies, you bite into them thinking it's chocolate chips, but it's oat and raisin! Suddenly you can't trust what you can see infront of you whenever you see chocolate chip cookies, because despite it being labelled chocolate chip cookies, and being reassured that it is chocolate chip, you will always think back to that time you bit into one and it wasn't yummy warm and gooey, it was crunchy and chewy and full of raisins.

This is what it's like being autistic and eating, except the window of foods you recognise as edible can be significantly smaller, and it's not something you can will away, it takes a lot of intensive therapy, like the Ellyn Satter-ish method our dietician recommended to us.

Rexthesnail · 22/09/2025 21:49

What a PP said about when they're ill is extremely valid.

My underweight fussy child stops eating and drinking when hes ill, and we've ended up in hospital due to it several times. Sometimes ive gotten away with it by just giving him what he will take, lucozade sport, at one point it was a baby's bottle (i think because of the little amount that comes out) so I definitely agree with the allowing them to have anything when they're ill.

Mandylovescandy · 22/09/2025 21:57

Have you mentioned the eating to your GP? Nutritionally I wouldn't worry (my ARFID ASD DC has had bloods done various times and somehow despite eating a little range is fine with nutrients) but I would suggest a multivitamin and if she isn't getting enough iron then spatone. We have tried all sorts and progress is always very slow and is frustrating and tiring but the food chaining, cycling round safe foods and keeping offering something new did make a little bit of a difference. We do encourage eating of safe foods especially the fruit and veg that is acceptable. Does her eating bother her? It doesn't bother my DC at all so it makes it hard to tackle it as they aren't that interested in getting on board with a plan - we did a parenting children with anxiety class and the instructions were to tackle one thing and build a plan together with rewards. We had to do the plan as DC wasn't so interested but it worked for trying new foods as they didn't have to eat them but could add a tally mark for touching something new, then licking it and if they wanted actually trying it

Croakymccroakyvoice · 22/09/2025 22:06

I hope you can weed out the good advice from this thread OP. Please do avoid food becoming a battle. I've watched a child (not mine) wasting away before my eyes because food became a battle. I honestly didn't think they were going to survive. Subsequently, they were diagnosed with ARFID and better strategies put in place. Physically they are doing fine now but have been left with MH problems.

Always have safe food on offer. Have other stuff available but with no pressure. Be very patient. Seek professional help.

Good luck.

Bananainpyjamas1980 · 22/09/2025 22:41

Personally I would carry on with her favourite dinners and just tweak them by blitzing down tomatoes, carrot, peppers and onion, courgettes and any veg to hand and that's your bolognese sauce or just add to jar of sauce.
Do the same and add to curry also.
Teenagers live off noodles and my autistic daughter range of food got better as she got older.
Vitamin gummies are also a good idea.
Just take the pressure off yourself and relax around food.

SmallandSpanish · 22/09/2025 23:05

My dd has this and it got worse during puberty. She is autistic and it’s not a fussy thing. It’s a rigid thinking/ sensory thing, which can be exacerbated by stress. My only coping strategy is to go low demand and take the stress out of meal times/ don’t beat yourself up. You can provide variety. But you can’t make her eat it.

Tunice · 22/09/2025 23:08

Also I swear by the Annabelle karmel six veg hidden sauce 😅 I make up a tub every couple of weeks