To despair at dd12 eating habits?

[Dunnesbest]

She is unbelievably fussy and I think I've tied myself up in knots trying to figure it out and I'm making it worse.

She has been fussy for a few years now. She's generally hard work so everything is a battle. She really only wants to eat plain pasta with cheese and brocolli, or instant noodles. She'll eat carabonara, bolognese and sometimes a basic chicken curry. If a meal isn't those she complains, doesn't eat it, then looks for carby night time snacks. She's overweight. She does eat fruit but has to be in the mood.

Meal times had become a battle so to take the pressure off I've been letting her have the pasta broccoli dinner while we have something else. This has just made her extra fussy and now I feel like I've rewarded her picky eating and made it worse.

She has some other issues with friends, rigidity etc so I have her on a waiting list for autism assessment. She was bullied in the past so it could be just rigidity and anxiety as an effect of thst. It could also be that she has just been spoiled. She doesn't like hearing people eat, and since I've brought attention to that and told her she may have 'sensory issues' the disliking people eating has magnified x 1000 that she's ruining mealtimes so again I let her leave the table. (She doesn't say anything just sits with her hands over her ears/ sighs etc.)

I think I just need it spelled out to me what to do. I've tried Internet suggestions eg different bowls at the table but I must be doing everything wrong because nothing works.

I do admit I tend towards a permissive parenting style which I'm really working hard to change. I find it hard to be tough on her in case there is some neurodiversity there and I'm just treating her like she's spoiled. Dh strategy would be to let her away with nothing but because I'm the cook we kind of go by my rules with this.

Be gentle, reading this back I realise I seem like a bit of a wet lettuce 😳. I really would welcome some constructive advice please.

Maybe I think your advice is terrible. This is just for advice - op can read it and decide what they want to do. The best place for advise is a medical professional if you feel it’s warranted.
Otherwise I’m sure op is an adult who can manage to ignore posts she doesn’t agree with or research further herself

My autistic son was and still is a picky eater. You're lucky she'll eat broccoli - I never got a vegetable past his lips! He's 34 now and still only eats things like chicken nuggets with oven chips. He will eat a roast dinner occasionally but without the vegetables. When I tried to get him to eat anything he didn't want to he would retch so I just gave up. He's actually really healthy apart from being a bit overweight. Just don't stress yourself, let her eat what she wants because it will make both of you happier.

@ttcbubbanumber2 I somewhat agree here, because the DC is 12. The eat it or leave it strategy, (and no pudding if the main isn't eaten but here's some fruit) will help with small children but not a DC on the cusp of adolescence. I'd feed her pasta and broccoli every day, except curry or bolognese day, and leave out fruit. No snacks in the house etc. OP's DC might be happy with that or decide pasta and broccoli a boring, but she will eat something. Get a referal asap as it looks like either being on the spectrum or some underlying problem with certain foods.

Hi
My total sympathy. DS had extreme food rigidity and was diagnosed autistic at 12/13.

Long post of advice below but main advice is: do not take advice from people whose children don't have food issues. Not only are they clueless and smug and relatively unsympathetic - they think you are pandering and if you stop, all will be well (it won't), more importantly, advice for normal eaters going through fussy phases if very different from advice for ARFID

Things that helped with DS:
Explain the key food groups and what they do for her
e.g.carbs for active burn off energy, so her noodles and pasta are good if she is going for a walk or run or swim or cycle ride next day. ( Emphasise how good her existing choices are)
Protein to build strong, lean muscle and brain power and iron to combat fatigue. Sounds like she may need more protein so let her know how useful it is for her body to eat chicken curry or spaghetti bol. Maybe try some protein rich pasta too.
Dairy for strong bones and teeth
Fruit for essential vitamins for healthy hair, skin, nails, good mood and vitality.

Relax as much as possible about variety. If she's eating from all key groups every day then she'll be healthy enough. Tell her this.
Build family meals around hers. Pasta twice a week spaghetti bol or carbonara, plus one broccoli (with fried garlic, sun dried toms and toasted pine nuts added to adult plates it's a really delicious dinner) so you are all eating the same. A mild chicken curry once a week too.

In the spag bol, add tiny amounts of additional veg pureed into the tomato sauce. Start with carrots, red pepper then add courgette and or one cube of frozen spinach. If there's no complaint, gradually increase quantities and finely minced veg.

Same with chicken curry. Add tiny amounts of red pepper, red or white onion, maybe red lentils, butternut squash, frozen spinach to the creamy sauce and increase fractionally over the year, use the same recipe 3 or 4 times to ensure she's used to it before increasing.

At dinner, put out all three food groups in serve yourself dishes (eg petit pois to scatteer on carbonara or shredded iceberg.) Often with sensory issues they might be finecwith eg petit pois but not more grainy textured peas, or be ok with crunchy iceberg but not semi- crunchy cos or romaine.

Go out to dinner if you can afford it. DS was more inclined to try a burger and curly fries at 5 Guys or noodle dish at a Chinese place or chicken korma at a curry house than at home. Never judge 'boring' choice eg Marguerita pizza. Act as if all choices are equal. If she likes a given dish, after she's had it a few times buy the ready meal version and finally cook your own recipe of it.

I was so worried about DS but I got calm and kept trying. Gor neurological children you need to introduce a new food about 20 times before they'll eat it. With autism it can be 200 or 2000. No exaggeration. Just explain what the food does for her and leave her to decide.

As too other people eating noisily, can you play music while eating, or let her have white noise on headphones?

DS is adult now and really adventurous in his eating habits. It was a very long process and looking back, one of the things I'm most proud of, helping him to overcome ARFID without pressure or stress on him.

I haven't given any advice, merely pointed out why yours is wrong. So you may very well think that, but it would only be further evidence of poor understanding. It's interesting that you haven't actually addressed the point that your comparison was incorrect.

But yes, hopefully OP can manage to ignore any dangerously poor advice that comes up, particularly in a thread where most people have correctly identified that she needs to approach this issue as one that relates to a potentially ND child.

I'm another patent with autistic children. One child was a very selective eater with allergies. I would ensure there was something on their plate they liked and there would be something he'd previously refused or something new - they were told they didn't have to touch, they could ignore it or try it... up to them. Over time they seemed to realise somethings weren't that awful which seemed to encourage trying more. Their diet is pretty varied now.

Also in recent years they've been preparing their own packed lunches and making themselves noodles. This has led to rummaging in the fridge and trying new combinations. Maybe your DD preparing her own food would help?

She's not doing this to piss you off. I think the less drama you make of this, the less drama and dread there is about food.

I was horribly, horribly fussy as a kid, but luckily in a very healthy way. I just didn’t eat anything that wasn’t boiled or grilled and no sauces (maybe ketchup once in a blue moon). I’d be happy to be allowed to have McDonald’s type of food every day though if my mother had ever allowed. No soup because even thinking of the texture made me sick.
I grew out of it in my mid teens after a whole month of chicken nuggets + a bag of steamed vegetables when I moved out to study and could do whatever I wanted. Suddenly I wanted food food.

I’d limit her options initially and see what happens. If she goes to bed a bit hungry but then eats the following day instead of snacking away (don’t keep snacks around), fair. If it’s a legitimate struggle beyond being a bit picky and getting away with it due to permissiveness, I’d scale back on that approach.

Who makes the meals she wants and cleans up after? If she wants something completely different from others at 12 I’d probably ask her that she also cleans up after herself then.

You are not being unreasonable.

I dealt with the same issues with my son. Imagine being constantly forced to eat food that is disgusting to you. Imagine how awful that would be. So, let her eat what she likes, within healthy limits. Don't keep lots of cakes, cookies, crisps etc... in the house. If she wants sweet carbs she has to make it herself. Instead, keep a stock of healthy snacks. Don't force her to eat them, simply make them available. Nuts are good, if she's not allergic.

I used to hide a lot of vegetables in the low-sugar loafs and cakes I made for my kids. My son was six or seven before he realized not all pancakes are green. I always put frozen spinach into the batter.

Anyway, now that he's a grown man, he's quite the accomplished cook, and will eat almost anything except soup, pizza, and tomatoes.

To be fair, pasta, cheese and broccoli is a balanced meal. With the occasional carbonara and curry mixed in, I wouldn't be bothering her. It's plain and repeptitive sure, but as long as she's happy and nourished, what's the harm? It also wouldn't make her overweight if she had that for dinner every night, so that must be either snacks or, if she's only slightly overweight, just something she'll grow out of.

My parents made a war ground out of food and I have a life long eating disorder (not saying that's because of their reactions but it certainly didn't cure me of the fussiness). I only ate 6 foods until I was 10 (fish fingers, chips, carrots, apples, ready salted crisps and vanilla ice cream). Luckily it contained all the necessary food groups so, although I was small, it wasn't ridiculous. Even now I eat exactly the same meal for lunch and dinner every day and only vary it if I have to (ie somewhere different, with other people). I'm not neurodiverse, just have food issues

Lots of good advice here, so the only additions I have:

She may be struggling with portion sizing and understanding her own sensation of being full. If she is autistic, you may find her surprisingly amenable to having some 'official portion sizes' set, or rules put in place such as having pasta only once per day, having a glass of water before eating, etc.

Vitamin tablets are good if she'll tolerate them, but there are other options out there if she won't. My youngest DD is a complete fruit refuser - in any form at all - so she gets a daily vitamin milkshake. (One formulated for her age, not an adult meal replacement style one.)

If you're going to get stricter, then I'd be clamping down on the mealtime behaviour. She doesn't have to like the sight/smell/sound of other people eating, but she's going to need to find a better way to tolerate it, or she's going to have major problems functioning in society.

There are ways to gently help her learn better coping mechanisms. Let her eat alone at the table first if needed, but then she has to stay for the rest of the family eating their meal and behave nicely throughout - no sighing, no making negative comments about what other people are enjoying, no hands over ears, leaving the table prematurely, etc. Tell her clearly that doing those things is very rude behaviour.

If you feel she's genuinely struggling and there's space to do so, then you could initially sit her further back from the table but still within conversational range. Maybe play music she likes in the background, and/or let her hold/fidget with something strongly smelled that she likes - mint leaves, cinnamon stick, etc, to ease her senses.

Hi! I have a child who isnt ND but is a dreadful eater. When he was little he went 2 days without eating as I followed the old mumsnet advice that 'they will eat when they are hungry', guess what, he didnt!
Best thing I found was to just go with it. He is 14 now and has a wider food range but its still terrible! He will eat a roast dinner (but only brocolli and carrots as veg), steak or steak pie, plain pasta, sometime meatballs and pasta but not too saucy, carbonara but not too saucy, chicken sandwich and cereal (hes happy with any cereal so i go with non sugary).
The roast dinner came from doing a carvery style meal one day and he ate way more that i ever thought he would

I have a very picky autistic 12 year old. I just give her what I know she will eat. There is no point making a battle over it. I have foods a available for her to try if she is willing. I have another autistic child who is not quite as picky but definitely has some restrictions. I try to plan meals where simple adjustments can be made.

Eg tonight DH, DC1 and I are having salmon. DC2 will have an omelette. DC1 will only eat flavoured rice from a packet. DC2 will only eat plain rice. I will cook both and they will have their preferred rice while DH and I have a mix of the two. Everyone will eat the same vegetable luckily.

There is no winning by either trying to make picky DC eat what everyone else is eating.

I think it’s very difficult to say what the right thing to do here OP given the question of neurodiversity vs is it simply fussy eating as the two would be treated differently. Does she eat other bland carb foods like chips, crisps, chicken nuggets, fish fingers etc? If she does I would try and go down the line of this is the dinner we are having you are free to eat it or not and say no more about it, no battles, no comment on how much or how little is eaten etc. but always make sure there is something on the plate that she will eat. For example if your having lasagna and your pretty sure she won’t eat it, make sure there’s some crusty bread and butter on the side. If it’s a pasta dish she wouldn’t normally eat, don’t mix the sauce through the pasta, put it on top and she can eat the pasta round the sides if she wishes. If she likes chips serve them instead of roast potatoes with your roast. I certainly wouldn’t make her go to bed hungry but equally I think she does need to at least be exposed to other foods. You could get her plates that have dividers and separate the food, it might take some anxiety away.

If she can’t tolerate eating with others I wouldn’t force this, let her eat on her own if she wishes but no screens while eating. Pick one battle at a time. Give multi vitamins and get her involved in cooking if she’s open to it. If she drinks milk get one fortified with vitamins. If she eats yoghurts and cheese encourage that as a snack for the protein.

So lots of good points on here but has anyone mentioned portion sizes? Could this be causing the weight gain. Pasta/cheese/broccoli isn’t terrible really but are you letting her having a kilo of pasta?! Just wonder if this is worth considering as you work through all the other advice.

Sorry if this isn’t case but wondering if you’re compensating for limited foods with volume

Hi OP,

I have a very picky eater who is 8.

He's been under a Dietician for many years and she thinks his feeding behaviours are related to the many food allergies he had from when he was born (although he's thankfully grown out of them now).

I used to get so stressed out when he was younger with regards to his eating and meal times would always drive me to despair (and tears) because of how frustrated and worried I was.

The dietician was amazing though and she said that the best way to deal with this was to not put any pressure on him and to just let him eat what he will eat. She told me that she didn't care if he had toast for tea every day of the week as long as he was healthy and growing.

We had to write a list of his safe foods (what he was happy to eat) and sit down with him and make a weekly planner of what he'd have for each meal - even if it was different to the family meal - so he knew that he had nothing to fear about what might be placed in front of him.

She said it was important that meals times were safe and enjoyable for him, and that meant him knowing he wasn't going to be forced (or nagged at) to try and eat something he didn't want. She said that when it comes to dealing with eating disorders it is so much more complicated than just being a 'picky eater' and that going at the child's pace is absolutely imperative.

One of my son's safe foods is a margherita pizza and she said that if we wanted to try and introduce a new food we had to do it via putting it on a pizza, which sounds quite funny I know, but it worked. We slowly introduced chicken on pizza, bacon on pizza, meatballs on pizza, sausage on a pizza etc and we'd give him huge amounts of praise for even just taking one bite, even if he didn't want to eat the rest of it. When he reached a point of feeling it was safe to eat a piece of bacon on pizza, we then slowly transitioned to him being able to eat bacon on it's own, and then being able to eat it in a pasta dish for example.... it literally was step by step and keeping it all at his pace and keeping it non-threatening.

The dietician said that for children with issues around their eating she would aim for them to try one new food every 8 weeks, so that advice is what we have followed.

We've had tremendous success and taking off the pressure and giving much more control back to our son has undoubtedly what's led to him being more willing to try more varied foods.

The dietician has explained that this is something that our son will most likely have for all of his life and not something that he will just "grow out of" so it's just a case of managing it as best as we can now without making food or mealtimes something for him to be afraid of or threatened by, as that's what can cause more serious eating disorders to emerge.

He does take multivitamins and iron supplements and has blood tests yearly just to keep an eye on his iron levels and vitamin levels etc but otherwise he's fine and growing nicely.

My DS14 has been diagnosed with ARFID. The older he has got the more he can explain to me what it feels like to try and neat something new. Its a genuine fear of the taste, smell, texture etc.

Those saying involve an expert, unless your child is at risk of starvation the NHS/CAMHS wont be interested in assisting. My area has no NHS ARFID programmes. the next borough does and its getting really good results. I'm saving up to go for treatment privately. But at 250 per sessions its not something that everyone can do.

These kids cant be told eat it or starve, they will starve! DS has passed out numerous times through hunger. The naivety of some posters shows, i hope you never have first hand experience of it.

My daughter is also a very picky eater. We sought help and the advice was to let her be in control. So big step required on my behalf. She now buys lunch at school after taking pasta and tomato sauce for a year. My daughter is slim so I was anxious around calories. I have had to learn to trust her and just embrace it. She is slowly getting better and will try more things. It had to be on her terms.., good luck.

I agree with the posters who have said her diet is a decent balance in terms of selective eating. She eats a veg, dairy, protein. It might be samey, but there's something from all the food groups. Does she go to the supermarket with you? As my ARFID child grew into the teens, I found they were more likely to eat new and more varied things if they had had a choice in selecting them.

In every thread like this there are people who will say don't pander to them, we allow our children to be too fussy these days. I think it depends on the child as to whether pushing them is going to work or not, you know your child best. For example, amongst my four children:

Child 1: ASD and ARFID - extremely selective diet. Will not eat outside of safe foods, no matter what. Causes more damage with lack of trust and anxiety if we push.

Child 2 and 3: Fussy, but will eat when not given an option of something different. Have an interest in trying new things. Aren't anxious about taste. These are the two that I will push if they complain about a dinner, because I know they will eat it once they realise that is the only option.

Child 4: ASD with a PDA profile. Likes to eat the same safe foods but can be persuaded to try new / different things under their terms ie we have to negotiate how much they will eat, who will sit next to them, etc.

As much as this is well intentioned it’s very likely to add more anxiety to a sensory issue, sounds like ARFID to me which is a spectrum disorder

Speaking from my own experience (ADHD, "fussy eater" growing up, but in retrospect may have been ARFID, also overweight as a child), I wouldn't bully her to eat or try new things but I'd cut down on the treat food and stodgy carbs around the house.

Don't cook a separate meal for her but don't make a big thing of it. If she doesn't want what you're cooking, she cooks for herself or makes herself a sandwich. I'm not saying that there isn't an issue, but for me part of it was laziness. My parents' cooking became a lot more attractive to me when I was responsible for feeding myself, because that was suddenly the "more hassle" option. So have plain pasta, cheese and veggies available for her if she wants an alternative.

For me, I have to limit sugary and ultra palatable food in the house and ensure I have relatively healthy alternatives like oatcakes, cheese and apples ready to grab. When I have a dopamine low/chemical imbalance, I'm going to grab whatever's lying around to give me a quick "hit" even if objectively I know it's not good for me and I know I'm not capable of exhibiting much self-control at that point. Getting out of the house and getting a "hit" through sunshine and exercise is obviously much better for me but not always possible. If it could be ADHD, I'd see if you can get your DD into the habit of walking up and downstairs or tidying a cupboard or shelf in her room before she reaches for a snack. These are quick things that I've found can provide the hit needed if actually it's not hunger which is driving the snacking.

Thank you all so much, I'm going through all the posts with a pen and paper taking down ideas. The opposing opinions on the thread are indicative of the battle in my mind ( feels like a battle between my heart and my head). One poster made a comment though which has really got to me, if she's overweight then her diet is unhealthy, which just makes me feel like I've failed at this area of parenting ( not just this comment, I've said similar comments to myself), but these feelings of failure make it hard for me to be objective. So all your comments have helped me in a real and practical sense.

My now adult dc has arfid (no diagnosis) she simply won’t eat if it’s not an acceptable food and was terribly underweight age 14/15/16.
Can you agree with her a list of acceptable meals. Don’t worry about repetition.
I’d serve those, each component separately and not buy the carby snacks. Watch drinks too, mine used to fill up on drinks to avoid food.
What helped my dc was getting into gym and heath so she became more protein focused.
I do still worry, her food intake is extremely repetitive but healthy. It’s definitely a texture thing eg no sauce, no gravy, no cooked veg.

And me. I’m 56 and think I probably have this ARFID. I do have problems with texture rather than flavour, and I suppose my diet is fairly limited, but I make sure to read up on what vitamins & minerals I will be missing and take appropriate supplements.

My mother even went as far as trying to force food into my mouth as a kid. I don’t recommend that, OP! And I wouldn’t recommend badgering your child into eating. Id suggest continuing the gentle approach with safe foods and as time goes on, hopefully some more things will be added to that list. I’ve added a few things over the years. Only a few, but it’s better than none.

Would she try lentil pasta so theres more protein? I agree with the previous posters about taking the pressure off and having new and safe foods at each meal time. I would also be firm with snacks though. I would also aim for UPF free foods where possible and gave a fruit bowl available with a variety she can pick from. Also things like cucumber and carrot sticks as snacks if she likes them. Add in a multivitamin and omega 3 supplement.

Would she try lentil pasta so theres more protein? I agree with the previous posters about taking the pressure off and having new and safe foods at each meal time. I would also be firm with snacks though. I would also aim for UPF free foods where possible and gave a fruit bowl available with a variety she can pick from. Also things like cucumber and carrot sticks as snacks if she likes them. Also add in a good multi vitamin and omega 3 supplements