To despair at dd12 eating habits?

[Dunnesbest]

She is unbelievably fussy and I think I've tied myself up in knots trying to figure it out and I'm making it worse.

She has been fussy for a few years now. She's generally hard work so everything is a battle. She really only wants to eat plain pasta with cheese and brocolli, or instant noodles. She'll eat carabonara, bolognese and sometimes a basic chicken curry. If a meal isn't those she complains, doesn't eat it, then looks for carby night time snacks. She's overweight. She does eat fruit but has to be in the mood.

Meal times had become a battle so to take the pressure off I've been letting her have the pasta broccoli dinner while we have something else. This has just made her extra fussy and now I feel like I've rewarded her picky eating and made it worse.

She has some other issues with friends, rigidity etc so I have her on a waiting list for autism assessment. She was bullied in the past so it could be just rigidity and anxiety as an effect of thst. It could also be that she has just been spoiled. She doesn't like hearing people eat, and since I've brought attention to that and told her she may have 'sensory issues' the disliking people eating has magnified x 1000 that she's ruining mealtimes so again I let her leave the table. (She doesn't say anything just sits with her hands over her ears/ sighs etc.)

I think I just need it spelled out to me what to do. I've tried Internet suggestions eg different bowls at the table but I must be doing everything wrong because nothing works.

I do admit I tend towards a permissive parenting style which I'm really working hard to change. I find it hard to be tough on her in case there is some neurodiversity there and I'm just treating her like she's spoiled. Dh strategy would be to let her away with nothing but because I'm the cook we kind of go by my rules with this.

Be gentle, reading this back I realise I seem like a bit of a wet lettuce 😳. I really would welcome some constructive advice please.

OP I have 2 autistic children, both are fussy and one is a 12 year old girl. My daughter is very fussy and has anxiety around eating. What brought it to a head here really was that she started hiding food that she didn't eat because she was too afraid to tell us she didn't like it. She would come home with a full lunchbox. Having not eaten a bite all day sometimes.

In my experience it works best when you let them at it. She eats what she likes, (within reason, she is not eating mars bars for dinner lol) and she eats it where she likes. There is no pressure to sit at the family table and no pressure to eat anything she doesn't want to. For so long I felt like a failure for not having the type of family that sits down to a meal all together in the evenings. I have had to let go of that, it doesn't work for our family and we share plenty of family time outside of meals. Our family is different, not less.

We now take a very laid back approach, if I am eating something I will casually ask if she wants to try a bit. And if she says no I don't ask again. This approach has actually led to her trying more food as she knows there is no pressure.

She is a healthy young girl with plenty of energy and gets regular periods. She is getting what she needs. Please do not worry, your daughter is getting what she needs from her diet, and hopefully as she gets older she will.be more open to trying new things.

Take the pressure off. Let her eat and sort out her own food and take no notice as to whether she eats it or not. She will eventually recognise that she is and can be responsible for her actions. This should eventually permeate to other areas of her life. This won't happen overnight. Have patience.

Autistic and my eating issues really increased when I entered puberty. Not suprising- the hormones making you want sweet carbs and the lack of control over your body making everything a battle ground.

I lived on Findus crispy cheese pancakes and peas for about a year 😋

My dgs is picky about food too. He'll only eat cheese based food. Cheese sandwiches, wraps, pizza, Mac'n'cheese. He's also sensitive to noise and has to wear headphones in class. Diagnosed with ADHD and autism but very high functioning. I can't see much point in trying to force him to eat stuff that he doesn't want.

Take the pressure off. Let her eat and sort out her own food and take no notice as to whether she eats it or not. She will eventually recognise that she is and can be responsible for her actions. This should eventually permeate to other areas of her life. This won't happen overnight. Have patience.

Based on what you said, yes, her diet probably is not great and contributing significantly to her weight. BUT.... children with sensory processing issues are OFTEN overweight. For a bunch of reasons - from inability to understand their own hunger signals, food selection, poor gross motor skills (in particular weak core strength) etc etc.

So really, focus on the health improvements, worry about weight later.

Does she exercise and move enough? Its not necessarily about doing sport, but just moving - walking to and from schooll or to friends' houses, being out and about, swimming tc.

My child ate everything when younger and now finds that far more difficult. The difference was puberty and the pressures of life as secondary school started. They no longer had the same window of tolerance and life became very restricted. Issues change radically
at this age.

Can you list absolutely everything that your DD does eat for us, (I am guessing that she doesn't have noodles for breakfast) it is likely that there is a better balance of nutrients than first appears.
Would noise cancelling headphones help for the sounds when eating? If you want her to stay at the table.
Also with regards to meal time behaviour or restriction getting worse recently don't discount the role of puberty and hormones.

My dd was a picky eater age 6 to 12 and then happily grew out of it. No ND diagnosed (dh too sceptical to let me follow up and just thinks she is difficult on purpose and spoiled/badly parented by me so that has been the approach I’ve had to go along with for a quiet life.)

Anyway I found the following helped:

• she can have extra time on devices from a film or music at the dinner table. The noise covers sound of other people eating and distracts her from thinking about what she is eating. If she thinks a lot, she obsesses about the food. Who cares if she is watching tv if she is eating well? Not me!
• she can have whatever snacks she like if she has mostly eaten the meal I gave her. Otherwise she can ONLY have milk, juice, vegetables, fruit or crackers and grated cheese.
• i always serve what she likes but I always stretch her to try something new a few times a week.
• I never complain if she doesn’t finish her plate (she always leaves something which seems to be psychological!)

I never made a drama with her about it outside of a few times I genuinely started to worry she was going to be unwell (very skinny). We have managed the whole thing very carefully - I NEVER weighed her once she was about 10 and I never made it about her absolute weight, only about health, skeleton, growth, energy. We sometimes had to bargain how much food she would eat before I’d take her to activities, and I’d monitor her calorie intake quietly.

She is now 15 and mostly recovered from her fussy eating habits (has picked up new bad habits instead!). She will not eat absolutely everything but enough variety that she hits all the food groups and can hit the “30 veg/fruit/seeds” target a week.

It is very very stressful and you have my complete sympathy.

My mum once made me sit and stare at a plate of sausages until I vomited. I was probably there a few hours. I was then sent to my room for being naughty.

Turns out I have AuDHD and texture in foods is something I (even as an adult) intensely struggle with.

My son has been a phenomenally picky eater. I’ve never encountered anyone as picky as he is. I worked on getting a few healthy things into his diet and then sticking with them every night while gently introducing other things. Most of the time he says no. Sometimes he’ll have a meltdown and refuse all food if that thing he doesn’t like is there. But every now and then he introduces another food into his diet and I take it as a win.

It’s unfortunately a marathon not a sprint.

My mum’s method unfortunately gave me deeply ingrained issues with food including an ED later in life. Being stern with absolutely not work.

This is complete nonsense though, being over weight is much more complex than an unhealthy diet. Some children get a bit chubby as they hit puberty and literally grow out of it. Some are destined to be in larger bodies and will gain weight more easily. Some need to move more. Some eat healthily but too much, some east nothing but rubbish but have youth on their side and don't gain weight.

At university I was at my slimmest and I was at my most unhealthy, eating nearly all processed foods, smoking, drinking several nights a week, doing little exercise. But I had a body to die for lol. Age and hypothyroidism caught up with me. And I am much heavier now despite actually being much healthier.

I have 2 autistic and fussy children. My son is overweight and has been well built and a big eater from he was born. My daughter is a slim, and has been slightly built and fussy from the word go as well.

If she eats plain pasta with broccoli and cheese, noodles, bolognese, carbonara, chicken curry and sometimes fruit then that’s not such a bad start!
The foods you’ve described are mainly dinner foods (I’m guessing this is the meal
you have the most issues with?) but what does she have for breakfast and lunch? Add those to your list and you might find yourself feeling a bit more heartened about what she will eat. Those dinner foods you’ve listed already cover a few evening meals in theweek for now.
I would aim to give her as much control as possible. How about challenging her to try one new food every week that she gets to choose? Ask her to go away and think about it. A good starting point might be a variation on something she already eats or something similar. If she’ll eat broccoli for example (a very tricky food for most picky eaters), perhaps she’d try cauliflower? If she’ll eat chicken perhaps she’ll have turkey in her curry instead? She might try wholemeal bread if she’ll eat white. You can gently suggest but it has to be her decision. Take her shopping and talk to her about different foods on offer and see what appeals. Let her help
with cooking. Are you able to grow any food like herbs or veg? Or tricky foods in a different form. My daughter will eat a lot more veg in a raw state that she will cooked. It means she has raw carrots with her roast dinner rather than cooked but I’ll take it!
You might be surprised, if you think she has sensory issues, by what textures she’ll like. My daughter likes crunchy foods, some spices and some things slightly burned (last night I persuaded her to eat a pepperoni pasta bake for the first time. She likes pepperoni especially when it’s slightly burned and crispy!
Obviously if you think she’s ND you are right to pursue further testing for her but these are some things you could try in the meantime, from one mum of a fussy eater to another!

Sounds like you are a great parent. Can see you’ve got some great advice. Just wanted to add a specific suggestion that M&S do lentil noodles, you could try out your daughter on them, maybe present a bit of them alongside a safe meal. If she likes them, she could have a way of getting some different nutrients.

Would she have soup? One trait will ARFIDS is a fear of choking so maybe soup would suit. Hopefully you will get an assessment soon and some help.

One of my DDs was a very picky eater... plain pasta - dried , not fresh, shells or macaroni shaped. With grated cheese. That was what she wanted for dinner. Every night.

Our approach was - ok, but you take vitamins, you drink water. She was fine with that.

We had 2 nights a week where we all ate together (work/hobbies/caring for mum etc). Those were "bowl" nights. So a bowl of pasta, bowl of fries, bowl of cheese, bowl of brocolli or carrots or sweetcorn and a couple of jugs with tomato and cheese sauces. She always had pasta and cheese. But gradually a teaspoon of sweetcorn got added, or a blob of sauce on the very edge of the plate.
She's 23 now, a secondary school teacher, still a bit fussy, but fit, healthy and happy.

I would also add that I have found that mealtime is the worst time to introduce/suggest a new or disliked food.

The hungrier my DS is the harder he finds it to eat anything that isn’t ‘safe’.

So if I know we are coming up to a meal he may object to (at a relatives, for example) I will try to give him a healthy snack first (apples etc). If I want him to try something, I will offer it after a meal where he has had mostly what he likes.

I used to be a childminder so had children with different likes/dislikes (whether it was one specific food or a whole foodgroup) what I found worked best was put each element of the dish in separate bowls and letting each child have control over what they they ate and how much. There was always at least 1 element of the meal that each child liked (even if that meant 3 or 4 different varieties of veg!) so no-one had nothing on their plate but sometimes they only had a pile of pasta with peas, drink was water or juice, pudding was generally a choice of yoghurt or something from the fruit bowl if they were still hungry. They had snack when we got in from school (toast/fruit/veg sticks, sometimes biscuits or cake) with a drink of juice or milk so no-one was starving when they went home and parents often commented that they'd eaten something at my house that they wouldn't at home.
Sometimes it is (like others have mentioned) that things are going on at school that they can't control (more so when you add puberty and hormones into the mix!) and what they eat is something they can have control over so give then control in a relaxed way include things they say they don't want/like as well as at least 1 thing you know they will like (even if it's just the rice/pasta) and 1 day they might surprise you

I would say keep the safe foods but try and rotate them a bit. I don't think that means frequent noodles but the other things sounded healthier.

I agree with others about food on the table to help yourself, including safe foods.

I do think continued, unpressured exposure to other options is good.

One of my children had very similar safe foods, but gradually started to like peas too after being interested in trying them one day. She also used to just like fruit, but discovered she also likes cut up raw pepper and cucumber.

I think no pressure and no judgement or comments is key. These things are available but can be tried or not tried, and just because you ate them once doesn't mean you're expected to eat them another day

Could allowing DD to help with food preparation help? It does with me, I’ve always been ‘fussy’ about textures, so need get the nasty bits away from the actual meal. Quite difficult to explain in words, so hope this makes some sense!

This is also true actually... Thinking about it we did used to give snacks after school which usually included fruit alongside the cut up veg options. That was also more relaxed as we weren't sat at the table and everyone could just take or leave what they wanted as they felt like it. I think that's probably where she discovered she liked the veg sticks.

I do a "snack" plate for my fussy crew while I'm cooking dinner - veg sticks, some cut up tomato and melon or apple. They usually eat at least some of it.

@Dunnesbest I can't help as I was lucky with both my children not having food issues but you sound like a lovely mum, and I hope things get better. x

I would also suggest letting her have headphones at the table if she wants... The eating sounds thing is just adding stress to mealtimes which she probably already finds stressful

I was an odd fussy eater, ie all I would eat was fruit, salad, raw veg and cheese and the hot chocolate. I sometimes eat cereal and toast. School dinners were compulsory and I'd go all day without having breakfast and school meals. I survived and eat properly now (although the above foods are still very much enjoyed), so I don't think you can make her eat something she really doesn't want - all you can do is give her the meals she does - maybe skip the noodles though, as the other meals will have protein, veg in them.

You say she sometimes eats lots of carbs at night. Does she just help herself or does she ask? This is something you could work on.

I was an incredibly picky eater as a child. As in, wouldn’t even be able to swallow if I didn’t like the stuff. The thought of eating things I didn’t like was so much worse than the hunger, so I’d just not eat until the next meal I liked. I skipped a lot of meals and was consequently quite thin.

I got indulged by one parent, and told you’ll eat dinner or have nothing by another. Neither were good strategies.

For me, refusing to eat was a way to have control over basically the only thing I could control as a child, so I’d suggest the problem might lie elsewhere with your daughter and this is a symptom of unhappiness from something else in her life. Addressing the unhappiness might be the first step.

Meals that in retrospect would have worked with me were: more very smoothly blended soups (with vegetables and a meat stock base for nutrition), lots of butter on finely chopped veg, soy sauce to dip well cooked vegetables in, fruit with honey or sugar.

I also think that if my parents had had space to grow veg and encouraged me to grow my own I’d have been very proud and wanted to eat them. Obviously this wasn’t an option for my parents and might not be for you, but it’s worth a thought.

In the mean time, make sure she has multivitamins with some fruit juice each day and try not to go too hard or too soft on her. If you can involve her in the cooking and make her feel really proud of making meals everyone likes then she’s more likely to engage in wanting to eat it too - you’re giving her some control as well as building skills for the future.