To despair at dd12 eating habits?

[Dunnesbest]

She is unbelievably fussy and I think I've tied myself up in knots trying to figure it out and I'm making it worse.

She has been fussy for a few years now. She's generally hard work so everything is a battle. She really only wants to eat plain pasta with cheese and brocolli, or instant noodles. She'll eat carabonara, bolognese and sometimes a basic chicken curry. If a meal isn't those she complains, doesn't eat it, then looks for carby night time snacks. She's overweight. She does eat fruit but has to be in the mood.

Meal times had become a battle so to take the pressure off I've been letting her have the pasta broccoli dinner while we have something else. This has just made her extra fussy and now I feel like I've rewarded her picky eating and made it worse.

She has some other issues with friends, rigidity etc so I have her on a waiting list for autism assessment. She was bullied in the past so it could be just rigidity and anxiety as an effect of thst. It could also be that she has just been spoiled. She doesn't like hearing people eat, and since I've brought attention to that and told her she may have 'sensory issues' the disliking people eating has magnified x 1000 that she's ruining mealtimes so again I let her leave the table. (She doesn't say anything just sits with her hands over her ears/ sighs etc.)

I think I just need it spelled out to me what to do. I've tried Internet suggestions eg different bowls at the table but I must be doing everything wrong because nothing works.

I do admit I tend towards a permissive parenting style which I'm really working hard to change. I find it hard to be tough on her in case there is some neurodiversity there and I'm just treating her like she's spoiled. Dh strategy would be to let her away with nothing but because I'm the cook we kind of go by my rules with this.

Be gentle, reading this back I realise I seem like a bit of a wet lettuce 😳. I really would welcome some constructive advice please.

My eldest DD was like this for years. Plain pasta, avocado, cucumber, yogurts, bread, cereal, cheese, ham, and about 6 foods she would always eat on a regular basis.

She is so much better now at aged 14 but it was literally a very limited palette and barely any variation.

I think being at high school with different lunch meals really helped, along with the fact she's just an adult sized person who needs more sustenance and variety.

It will be ok, OP. Solidarity, I understand. 💕

One thing that worked quite well for my previously picky children was to put serving dishes of food in the middle of the table and they could help themselves. So a big bowl of pasta, a big bowl of broccoli along with bolognese, a pasta sauce, a bowl of cheese, and some salad just sitting on the table with no requirement to eat any or all of it, seemed to loosen them up a bit.

Leave her be. She's 12 years old, so either going through puberty or about to go through it, and possibly autistic. That's enough for her to deal with without battling her parents over food.

I am autistic and your daughter sounds a lot like me at that age. My family took the view that the main thing was that I ate, which was the best thing they could have possibly done. Now I eat most things because their approach gave me the room to develop my relationship with food.

My dd who is 16 is like this. There are days she will just want pasta. If she’s not eating what we’re eating I get her to cook it herself. I do discuss what we’re having for dinner before hand, generally the day before, so a) she knows what to expect and b) she can let me know what she won’t be having and will have to make her own.
How is she with lunches and breakfast?

why does she have to have ‘sensory issues’? Lots of people don’t like certain textures, tastes or the sound of chewing. It’s not unusual

I have been the restricted 'fussy' child and I have 2 of them.
My youngest is on the pathway for a diagnosis, but eats very limited foods at home. The professionals have said 'give the same foods that they will eat, and a new food your eating on the separate plate and practice tolerating it on the table, not a suggestion it's even for them but to get it in their eye line nearby'.
My eldest isn't on the pathway and has improved, so will now eat some meals but it's taken 4/5 years of the occasional lick and plate tolerating before it was actually liked.

As a child I ate the same dinner everyday, now I eat a mixture of flavors but never different textures. I'll eat potatoes in a few flavors, but never as Mash for example.
Sometimes if I'm stressed I tend to eat the same foods on repeat again and I have only just curbed my habit of seeking out sweets when anxious.

The meal you've said about OP you say has a lot of healthy ingredients, that and broccoli with pasta is actually not a bad mix, ensure she eats an multivitamin though. We eat the ones like sweets, Savers have a good mixture of flavors. If she likes cheese then suggest cheese and crackers as a snack? Prepare snack pots in advance if she's seeking carbs.

Do set boundaries around dinner, you can set rules as long as they aren't going against what she can't cope with.
Get noise cancelling earphones, she has to eat with everyone and be polite. It will cause others to feel uncomfortable eating if she's sighing about them, and she isn't going to only ever eat dinner with family. She'll find herself in social situations when she's older where she'll need to have to coping mechanisms already in.place. Practicing this now may be hard for you both, but it will help her long term. Explain things to her at a different time so that even if she can't cope in the moment she is aware of the boundaries, and if it doesn't work some days it's okay there's always the next day.
Different strategies work for different people and without knowing her this may not be the best solution but figuring out how she sees things will help. My youngest is extremely logical so everything has to have a reason and a purpose.

I’m 49 and I have never learnt that I can’t have what I want at every meal.

if I don’t like it, I don’t eat it.

the good thing about being an adult is that no-one feels able to apply any pressure!

(although mil etc did get fed up but I’m bloody amazing at hiding the fact I didn’t eat any of her crappy food)

My DD sounds very similar to yours. Nearly 12 and very picky. She recently started eating potatoes, and I was so over the moon!

Even if they have sensory issues (which I’m convinced that my DD does), I have found that a balance between catering to their desires and gently encouraging other food is the best way to go. It’s a very tricky balance to strike!

i serve everything in separate bowls on the table. If sensory issues are a problem, even encouraging them to lick the food, without swallowing it, to acclimatise to the flavour, has been recommended to me by a health professional. This can take away the scariness of having to swallow it. Obviously the ultimate goal is swallowing it in the future. but it seems like painfully slow baby steps is the way to go for long-term acceptance of a wider range of food.

Your DD does sound ND to me and I would 100% include all these food issues in the forms and information you provide as part of her assessment.

However, whether she is or isn't, ARFID aside, it sounds like this is a challenge and you are right to be thinking about what small things you can do to improve. I have a fussy eater who is NT but who does have various intolerances that have contributed to this and so we have a few things we are working on.

1. I have discussed overall health with her and how important it is to try new things, be diverse. It has been slow but she is learning to at least TRY things. In most cases, she won't then eat them, but she learns they're not terrible and tries again the next time. I even had her eating small salads with olive oil and balsamic vinegar for a while there!
2. She eats a LOT of spaghetti bolognaise and hidden-veg-tomato pasta because that way I can get the balance of meat/veg/pasta right AND up her nutrition. I made bolognaise for the family yesterday and froze 3 additional portions for her for days we're having other things. She probably has this at least twice a week.
3. The few veggies she will eat by themselves - carrots, corn, broccoli - make an appearance at any meal that is NOT pasta based.
4. Can you find something higher in protein that she WILL eat that is a better snack option than bread/sweets? eg, in this house, between DD and DS (he's not fussy - just hungry ALL THE TIME), we get through quite a lot of things that can be put in the airfryer. So for DS that is crumbed/battered frozen fish portions or high quality fish fingers, or pre-made frozen fishcakes. And for both of them it's crumbed chicken steaks (chicken kiev without the garlic butter!).
5. On that note - really boring protein can be helpful. Cooked chicken breasts, sliced. Ham (ignore people who tell you it's likely to kill your children), or even sliced beef etc. Biltong! Cheese.
6. I up fruit variety by putting it in her lunch box. Might not work at secondary. the other way is to create fruit smoothies or fruit smoothie bowls.
7. Actually (and this is a trick I haven't used enough but need to). Find influencers she likes who occassionally do food, or food influencers aimed at her sort of age. I'm doing this a bit more with DS to get him to move away from fish/chicken in air fryer. In DD's case, it's what has led to smoothie bowls with a few teaspoons of granola occassionally, and it's also allowed us to create chicken burgers with avocado as a meal option, or for snacks/lunch boxes.

Let her have the meals she wants, she isn't doing it to be Awkward it's likely making her really stressed at mealtimes.
I would cheer fully ask her each week what she would like, gently explain about nutrition and then just get on with it, she will be stressed enough outside of her home, let her feel safe in it with her safe people ie you, if it makes you feel better give her a gummy multi vit, and go with it.
Please be kind, it's hard enough trying to fit in this world, I know from bitter experience, be her safe person, not her adversary.

I meant sometimes what we want or fancy isn’t available. Or there’s not enough of it etc. Sometimes it’s ok to have a sub standard meal and we survive!

Agree with most of the advice here (the good bits!). Don’t pressure her or go Victorian parent. It will not work.

Agree with letting her eat the safe foods and gradually introducing other stuff with minimal remarks and fuss. Also agree with vitamins.

On the snacks I’d also recommend basically not having the really junky ones in the house. We just don’t buy sweets, crisps and and biscuits. Stuff the kids get from parties usually suffices and I will make a crumble or a cake at the weekend. We also have crackers, breadsticks, cheese, nuts, dried fruit, toast etc the kids can have basically whenever they want (not 5 mins before dinner!). But this appeoach has to be for everyone, not just her.

Oh and it’s not your fault. I have 4 kids ranging from “will genuinely eat everything” to “would eat doughnuts and cheese sandwiches every day if allowed”. Birthed/ weaned/ brought up exactly the same!

I realise OP is talking about more than the odd meal but what I’m trying to say is trying to satisfy her child every single meal is impossible so she should cut herself some slack.
I had a family meal last night and pretty much everything served I couldn’t eat. I went to bed hungry. Sometimes that’s okay

Except there are other indicators it may be an ND issue - not just food.

I understand a few of the concerns raised because I'm similar.

Unfortunately, in terms of what food she'll eat that could be that way forever. In my case, I've opened up more as I've got older but would absolutely still be considered (and consider myself) a fussy eater. If she has sensory issues, it might be a texture problem when it comes to food. And that can present itself in ways you wouldn't expect - what textures are ok and what are not ok are entirely dependant on how she feels, not what you might expect.

Me and DH both have a huge problem with food/eating noises (and other sounds in general for me. We counter it by always having some background noise, whether it's music or TV. I genuinely can no sit at a table with other people eating if there is no background noise. Even the sound of someone scooping ice cream from a bowl is too much for little head to take.

Consider how things are presented. For example, I physically gag at the thought of eating a circle of cooked slimy dcourgette. But courgetti is fine. Likewise carrot batons, great. Carrot circles grim.

My son is autistic and as a child ate a very restricted beige bland diet. The only vegetables he would eat were carrots and the only fruits he would eat were bananas.

He frequently had spaghetti, cheese, carrots and baked beans or jacket potato, cheese, carrots and baked beans when the rest of us were eating other things, sometimes two or three times a week. I refused to get worked up about it. He was growing and appeared healthy enough.

As he got older he started asking to try new things. He's grown up now and eats a normal balanced diet.

Just go with the flow OP and give her her safe foods (although I would cut out the instant noodles). Meal times need to be calm, not stressful and full of angst.

She'll eat broccoli. It's better than a chicken nugget!

It sounds like some of it is a texture issue. Most of those things are fairly soft.

Will she eat any kind of pasta sauce? You could blitz a bit of hidden veg into it but keep it bland.

Or would she entertain soup instead of noodles? We have a soup maker. It's ready in 20 minutes but most importantly is super smooth in a texture I can't replicate with a stick blender.

I think cutting out too many noodles is probably the starting point. But initially just replace them with things she likes or that share a lot of similarities with those (e.g no bits).

Her tastes will change. I was very limited at the same age but I did grow out of it. Take some pressure off but try to make small improvements/ adjustments.

Second this. I have a DD with fussy eating (ASD/ADHD and I suspect ARFID). Humouring her has been counter productive. In hindsight I wish I’d been less accommodating. Started uni yesterday and have no idea how the hell she is going to subsist on energy drinks, crisps and supermarket ham n cheese sandwiches (her current food fad).

Would really advise getting tough now as it does her no favours when she reaches adulthood/is working/at college/leaves home.

I also agree with this advice. ARFID is a possibility, as is some kind of ND.

I would give her what she wants to eat and not make any issue of it. Without any pressure, she may become more open to other dishes in time.

Maybe ensure she takes a multi-vitamin since she doesn't have huge variety in her diet? You could also let her GP know, in case they want to check her for low Vitamin D and whatever else they do in such cases.

Good luck!

I was very picky but not at all ND or similar. I stopped eating any food I didn't like and just ate bread, cheese, eggs.
When I left home at 18 I gradually started eating new foods. Why? Because nobody commented on it when I did, for some reason I believe this was my main problem at home, i.e.the fuss (albeit a happy fuss) when I did.
I never started eating meat again and hate the taste and believe this is fine. I still hate the boiled veg I had as a child (limited 1970s diet!), but I like plenty of other veg so again fine.
I'd have been better if my parents had introduced pizza and pasta (variation on bread and cheese) but it wasn't usual in my 1970s small town.

Sometimes it was the way it was cooked e.g. I hated chips probably because they'd been cooked in a home deep frying pan with lard, so I never tried them again till I left home and tried friends chips, they tasted much better.

Not sure this helps anyone, but it shows it's all complicated, everyone is different and definitely any attitude of trying to force foods on kids won't work.

Again though, you're making the wrong comparison. It's not how likely is it that this particular trait would be a sensory issue in the general population. It's how likely is it that this particular trait is a sensory issue in someone who has multiple other traits associated with ND and has met the criteria to enter an NHS autism assessment waiting list.

This is why your advice was terrible.

I have two kids with very different eating issues. My 11 year old autistic child eats almost anything but when they get stressed stops eating entirely. My younger child 8 is on the ND waiting list and likely also autistic. But they are exceptionally restricted in what they will eat. If a safe food changes slightly (e.g. crisp packet redesigned) they won't even try. Beige food plus brocolli would probably sum it up!

Both children treated exactly the same with early exposure to loads of foods and almost all home cooking. Just different sensory reactions to food.

If she has ARFID or real restricted eating then random unrelated advice won't be useful.

I would seek support for it as a neurodivergent sensory issue / ARFID.

What I did with my autistic child is very gradually increased the food available - the thing to avoid is ending up only ever offering what they already eat.

So - give them what they want/ is familiar - but slowly and without pressure increase what they are being exposed to.

Resaerch has shown that children have to be offered a new food THIRTY times to feel safe with it - and tha'ts not even with ARFID added in.

A book I found helpful was Getting the little blighters to eat -w hich is by an expert in food refusal.

I have increased my daughters range of food - but the absolute VITAL thing is NEVER EVER force or make them eat anything

Remove ALL pressure - but keep presenting new things

I think have family style / self serve Style with a bowl of plain pasta or other safe food always an option. Try to deconstruct what you're cooking as much as possible so for example she might choose to have a little bit of chicken if you do it seperate from the veggie curry, or that kind of thing. It's such a faff isn't it!