To despair at dd12 eating habits?

[Dunnesbest]

She is unbelievably fussy and I think I've tied myself up in knots trying to figure it out and I'm making it worse.

She has been fussy for a few years now. She's generally hard work so everything is a battle. She really only wants to eat plain pasta with cheese and brocolli, or instant noodles. She'll eat carabonara, bolognese and sometimes a basic chicken curry. If a meal isn't those she complains, doesn't eat it, then looks for carby night time snacks. She's overweight. She does eat fruit but has to be in the mood.

Meal times had become a battle so to take the pressure off I've been letting her have the pasta broccoli dinner while we have something else. This has just made her extra fussy and now I feel like I've rewarded her picky eating and made it worse.

She has some other issues with friends, rigidity etc so I have her on a waiting list for autism assessment. She was bullied in the past so it could be just rigidity and anxiety as an effect of thst. It could also be that she has just been spoiled. She doesn't like hearing people eat, and since I've brought attention to that and told her she may have 'sensory issues' the disliking people eating has magnified x 1000 that she's ruining mealtimes so again I let her leave the table. (She doesn't say anything just sits with her hands over her ears/ sighs etc.)

I think I just need it spelled out to me what to do. I've tried Internet suggestions eg different bowls at the table but I must be doing everything wrong because nothing works.

I do admit I tend towards a permissive parenting style which I'm really working hard to change. I find it hard to be tough on her in case there is some neurodiversity there and I'm just treating her like she's spoiled. Dh strategy would be to let her away with nothing but because I'm the cook we kind of go by my rules with this.

Be gentle, reading this back I realise I seem like a bit of a wet lettuce 😳. I really would welcome some constructive advice please.

I may have made this comment before dd was born with my other dc who will happily eat every single thing put in front of them. My dd is given the same foods they are but here we are. Oh to go back to that privileged place!

It really doesn't though. Maybe for some kids, but not for the majority.

Not as dangerous as letting your child have a terrible diet simply because they're picky IMO.

Literally the majority. Humans have existed for hundreds of thousands of years not being spoilt with dietary options.

I’m autistic and was VERY fussy as a child/teen. As an adult I had a part time job in a restaurant and got very interested in food and expanded my palette hugely out of my own free will. Never responded to any parental nagging/trying. It was also a form of control- as a child I couldn’t control much, but I could control what went in my mouth so I think sometimes I resorted to that just to try and keep my head above water.

However, even as an adult in my 30s if I’m under stress or have a lot else going on, I resort to beige/safe foods. Keeping up variety of tastes and textures is something that I want to do but sometimes costs me mental energy or stress so it can be the first thing that goes out the window during a busy time at work.

if she has other issues going on, I’d see if you can tackle those BEFORE the food- if she’s happier in general, she may way be more relaxed about it.

This

and have you ever had such a child in your care?

Two important points to make here.

One, lots of humans have only had access to a very limited palate of foods anyway, especially once we started agriculture. Not being spoilt with dietary options actually sometimes means only learning to eat a small range of things. Like DD.

Two, until the very recent past, humans died young of all kinds of things all the time. You don't actually know, and have no way of counting, how many people died before their time because they didn't eat foods they found revolting. Wouldn't just have to be starvation either, could be death of disease that they'd have potentially survived if they'd been better nourished.

sounds exactly like my mother. there isn't one way to parent a child but types of parenting has consequences especially further along the line. speaking as the child in situation it has damaging affect

Have you looked up ARFIDS?

I am this kind of eater to the point the thought of trying something new if it isnt my choice makes me cry and be sick (even at 28)and whenever my parents put pressure on me it made me worse and would make me over-react and lash out emotionally...I am much better now I can make my own choices but my advice would be to let up on it a little and not put so much emphasis on what she does/doesnt eat and go down another route with it. It may be good to seek some sort of food related therapy

I have a 9 year old who is a picky eater , she was baby led weaned and ate everything we ate ( within reason) till she started nursery and then got picky and started refusing. She has a handful of safe meals, loves plain pasta dislikes hot food, has to eat anything cooked cold. dislikes cooked veg even when cold but will eat any veg raw. Loves salads and gets through lots of fresh fruit and veg daily but wont east a sandwich . Likes everything separate on a plate
No other issues just the food im hoping the eating gets better as she gets older. Eating out is a no no
Its a daily struggle so i sympathise , no advice but hope it gets better

My son now 25. Is AuADHD... from k-12 , he ate the same lunch every day. Dinner was pizza. Or chicken nuggets and fries... now he also has an unrepaired cleft palate that went unknown until he was 12 and at that point a repair would have cost him his speech and he would have had to relearn to eat and talk and at the time I thought just leave it... now I think I would have made a different choice but that has more to do with living through the pandemic than anything else...
However my point is there were a few years when he was younger that we supplemented with a protein/nutrition type shake but for the most part I let him eat without the battle... for me early on I was able to recognize that it wasn't that he didn't want to eat it was that he couldn't. As he grew up he started trying foods. I would leave it out and say taste it...that was around 16 or so that he started and he would be alone trying it in case he gagged and then he'd let me know... now he eats all kinds of foods... I would not stress about it too much because like others said it's probably a sensory issue... however I would work with her to deal with the sensory issues at the table... she need to learn so that socially life won't be too difficult for her. If she can't sit at a table at a restaurant because of the noise will she jist never go to a restaurant? Maybe saying you sit here with us for 5 mins at dinner this week... not with fingers in her ears...
I'm just a mom and I know how much we can worry... good luck... you will get there

I would say if asked I am not a picky eater, but then you could offer me something and there is not a chance I would eat it. I am a picky eater but as I am an adult and in charge of buying and cooking my food of course I eat it!
Imagine being a child and having no control over what you eat, sounds horrific. I think the most sensible answer on here is the one who said let your DD eat her safe food but another plate with an option to try something new but no pressure.

Yes.

Indeed, including yours.

I have enough common sense to know those children would have been in the exceptional minority; and natural selection.

My DD is similar and now at 17 she cooks her own meals, not terribly unhealthy, pasta and home made sauces. She will sieve a smooth bolognaise sauce incase any non smooth bits and she is so particular. She is 100% on the spectrum but isn’t diagnosed yet. Forcing her to eat would escalate and real chance of her not eating. Really starting to worry about uni after we spent hours looking around multiple colleges at once location to see if it was a kitchenette or actual cooker with an oven. Some kids are just a bit fussy, others have real issues going on and you have to tread very carefully. DD is finally almost in a healthy weight range so really worried that uni next year could change all of that, or I guess it could help. It really is such a worry.

I actually acknowledged SEN in my 2nd post. But I don't need to throw insults to make a point.

Id let her wear ear defenders at the table.to.cut out the noise rather than let her leave the table.

My daughter eats pasta in a home made tomato sauce every single.day. she either has it for lunch or for dinner depending what we cook.for.dinner. So if she knows we are eating a dinner she will hate, she cooks her own pasta. If she knows she'll like our dinner she has her pasta for lunch instead.

She batch cooks her own sauce and freezes it. She's 18 now, but has been doing this for two or three years.

She is.autistic and her diet is limited but not unhealthy.

I have 2 picky eaters, I make at least 3 different dinners each night, 1 won't eat red food so if I make Bolognese shell just have cheesy pasta. And the other will only eat noodles or sausages (but not Richmond because there too spicy (shes4). Bare with her, get assessment done and take it from there xx

Children who only had access to a small number of foods would've been in the exceptional minority? Never mind common sense, your historical knowledge is lacking.

And even going back to the period when we were all hunter gatherers, before subsistence farming and herding lifestyles kicked in, actually there are very good evolutionary reasons why children might limit the foods they'd eat. For protection.

My point was; Children who would have refused food to the point of starvation / death would certainly have been in minority.

Contrary to your post I've read a number of books on human behaviour prior to the agricultural revolution. But you're free to believe in whatever fantasies you want.

you wrong there 😂
I actually don't have any !
that's part of the consequences