To despair at dd12 eating habits?

[Dunnesbest]

She is unbelievably fussy and I think I've tied myself up in knots trying to figure it out and I'm making it worse.

She has been fussy for a few years now. She's generally hard work so everything is a battle. She really only wants to eat plain pasta with cheese and brocolli, or instant noodles. She'll eat carabonara, bolognese and sometimes a basic chicken curry. If a meal isn't those she complains, doesn't eat it, then looks for carby night time snacks. She's overweight. She does eat fruit but has to be in the mood.

Meal times had become a battle so to take the pressure off I've been letting her have the pasta broccoli dinner while we have something else. This has just made her extra fussy and now I feel like I've rewarded her picky eating and made it worse.

She has some other issues with friends, rigidity etc so I have her on a waiting list for autism assessment. She was bullied in the past so it could be just rigidity and anxiety as an effect of thst. It could also be that she has just been spoiled. She doesn't like hearing people eat, and since I've brought attention to that and told her she may have 'sensory issues' the disliking people eating has magnified x 1000 that she's ruining mealtimes so again I let her leave the table. (She doesn't say anything just sits with her hands over her ears/ sighs etc.)

I think I just need it spelled out to me what to do. I've tried Internet suggestions eg different bowls at the table but I must be doing everything wrong because nothing works.

I do admit I tend towards a permissive parenting style which I'm really working hard to change. I find it hard to be tough on her in case there is some neurodiversity there and I'm just treating her like she's spoiled. Dh strategy would be to let her away with nothing but because I'm the cook we kind of go by my rules with this.

Be gentle, reading this back I realise I seem like a bit of a wet lettuce 😳. I really would welcome some constructive advice please.

I had 2 typically faddy boys. I could easily split a roast meal, or almost any meal between them. Eldest ate meat, potatoes, baked beans, gravy, some puddings and no fruit. Youngest ate every veg I put in front of him but no meat apart from bolognese. Now at 44 the eldest still wont eat peas but most other stuff is OK. The youngest one eats anything. Tbh I didnt push them. Just tried different things as and when and Im guessing they eventually grew out of it of it when settled in relationships. Faddy grandchildren are now an issue but it is just the usual wont eat something that they have eaten many times before.

Leave her hungry, you'll find her palette widens very quickly

My DS similar age is like this and he will literally gag and retch if he tries to eat something he doesn’t like. So I’m not sure how ‘firm
boundaries’ can be established in such cases. I try to think how I would feel if I was served up something I find repulsive and expected to eat or go hungry.
I totally get the frustration though! It sounds as though some of her safe meals are pretty good and I’d encourage the fruit-eating as much as possible. Will she take a multivitamin? My DS takes well teen max multivitamins every day that have the daily recommended vitamins/minerals.

I don’t know the answer but I do think it’s also a certain amount of common or garden fussiness. Even when I was a child, in the 1970s, I can’t remember anyone being able to pick their meals, and nobody starved. That said, I still detest liver and onions!

@Dunnesbest I think you are doing a great job. Your DD sounds ASD. My son is similar and had weight issues at that age but as he became older made his own conscious decision to lose weight. Food as a parent is so emotive, you have so much wrapped up around Nutrition for your child. Watch ‘My Arfid Life’ a girl of 10/12 documenting her journey and how she tries new foods etc. Think it’s FB/youtube. But I agree with others no pressure on her and if you do want her to try other foods get her to have a plan on how she can do it safely. The girl mentioned before discusses this. If she’s growing well please don’t worry too much.

It doesn't work like that. Do some research. For some anecdotal evidence, my dad tried this with me. I literally starved myself for days. He ended up having to make me something completely new that he knew I'd eat because I literally couldn't eat what he originally made. Not wouldn't, COULDN'T.

These are well meaning comments but I think they miss a reality that many of the children who were ND, or who had food issues, or other health problems were simply invisible to us. I could say that in my day, no one was fussy and we all ate what we were given.....

..... except, now I think back with an adult's eyes, I find myself wondering about Trevor who was in my class throughout high school and yet who I don't think I ever spoke to and who I do know was bullied and who was super skinny. What was REALLY going on with him?

.... Or I think about my DS' friend who used to eat at our house 3 nights a week because his mother was in dispair that he wouldn't eat at their house, no matter how strict she was, and yet at ours he'd at least put away a small amount of food, if only out of politeness.

... or the half a dozen girls I met over the years who never seemed to join us on meals out or whatever and had excuses I thought nothing of at the time but now I wonder....

The list goes on.

I have had 17 years of this, and it’s utterly exhausting.

The GP will not be remotely interested. Nor will they refer you anywhere. They are not worried about this - but I always used to be.

I found she enjoyed cooking and became much happier to try new food when she was able to choose and cook it herself (she has become an excellent cook in the process)

Multivitamins and Vit D is essential. Buy the tiny pasta stars so she has some pasta but put other things with the meal. If she likes fresh tomato soup you can mix in the pasta. Separate bowls for everything.

Expand slowly with her permission. Let her lead. It’s her body and her choice. Fruit ice lollies etc work well,

Compartmentalise it. If you can work on the meals chances are that the other stuff (snacks etc) may improve because she’s eating better at mealtimes.

Personally I’d try to have only healthy snacks in the house and try to incorporate a bit more exercise into family life but other than that focus on meals.

I have not stocked any snacks at all. We go out for any sugary or fattening food - or I would have another daily battle on my hands. Did my other dc miss it? No, it’s not healthy for anyone to eat junk food. Don’t single her out whatever you do, the whole family should be healthy with her.

It definitely does work, barring severe aversions (autism) and allergies.

Do not try to make her eat anything she doesn’t like. You cannot make someone eat , it’s a battle you’re sure to lose. My daughter- in-laws mother tried to make her eat what she didn’t like and she ended up anorexic. She still has big issues with food. Feed her what she likes to eat and supplement with vitamins and minerals.

Even if it did work, it's an incredibly poor way to parent.

It so does not. your attitude was same as my mother's. it didn't work so much so was very underweight as a child and teen. I am still am a "fussy" eater and in my mid 40s.
if you are operating this way with your children please stop

Dangerous advice

@JadziaD I did not know about the sensory issues/ weight link. It makes total sense to me. She does have a very weak core, she worked so hard at gymnastics for years and got nowhere. Thankfully she's at swimming now 3 to 4 times per week so is getting exercise.

Poor parenting is not being able to get your child to eat basic foods.

Says the person who has clearly never had a child in this situation or been the parent who has spent weeks in the eating disorders unit with a peg fed child.

Your comment is wrong, dangerous and if I’d had it at the time my child was at her worst I would have been considered by Social Services to be abusive and it would probably have meant my child went into care.

Your problem is not my children's problem.

I suspect you are deliberately trolling but to humour you, once again you are showing your ignorance and lack of education in this area.

Actually my first is a very fussy eater, always has been.

But I'm competent enough to understand I'm the parent, she's the child.

We are going to have to disagree on this although my child has ARFID which is much more serious than fussy.

I'm not trolling, you just disagree with me, and that's fine. Everyone doesn't need to think the same.

There isn't one way to parent children, regardless of how strong your views are.

Yep, happy to disagree.