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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be devastated in how long it’s been since I last got to see DS

220 replies

Dinomore · 20/09/2025 16:58

My eldest DS is 26, I have 2 younger children and currently we are financially just about getting by so can’t afford to travel.
Last January my DS and his girlfriend (who he had known for 5 months at that point and had only met while backpacking) decided to live there life in a less conventional way. Basically they pick a city and just stay there for about 4-8 weeks at a time, really integrate, make friends, join clubs, live like locals rather than tourists. They can only do this as my son inherited some (not loads) of money from his paternal grandparents and she had money from her family. He makes money doing some freelance video editing for YouTube and she does some freelance translation work.
They are very happy with how they are living right now and see no hurry to change it.

However this means I haven’t actually seen my son since last January. He keeps telling me he will come home and visit as he knows fine well I can’t afford to fly anywhere and visit him, but hasn’t and today told me they won’t be back for Christmas either. Her dad has gone to visit them but like I said I really can’t afford to as with two younger children it would have to be in school holidays and we are really only just getting by.

It is starting to really upset me and make me wonder if he is avoiding me, I hear of so many young adults going low contact with their parents and I really don’t want that to be what he is doing. I’m so happy he is living his life in a way that makes him happy and I know it’s got to be such a lovely enriching way to live, but I’d love if they could make a mini one week stop off with us just so I could see him again.

AIBU to be hurt or is he just living his life how hr sees fit and I just have to save really hard if I want to see him anytime soon?

OP posts:
bluecrochetedplane · 20/09/2025 17:02

It's ok to feel how you do, naturally you miss your son but it's not his fault and hes not doing anything wrong.
You mentioned hes gone off with his girlfriend after 5 months which sounded a bit like a dig. Have you said this or similar to him because that may be why hes gone low contact IF that is what's happening.
If not then it sounds like hes off living his life, it sounds like a great life. You can't expect him to alter his plans, you either visit or wait til his journey brings him home.

Wiennetta · 20/09/2025 17:03

YABU. He’s 26, he is under no obligation to change his life plans because you can’t afford to travel and visit him. What would you do if he decided to permanently move abroad? It’s not even been that long, plenty of 26 year olds don’t see their parents for several months if they’ve moved to a different city or country. He’s living his life the way he wants to and you should support him doing that - just keep in touch by calls and messages.

outerspacepotato · 20/09/2025 17:04

He's a fully independent adult out enjoying a nice lifestyle and relationship and has cut the apron strings. You're being unreasonable. It's not about you. He's still communicating with you, right?

cramptramp · 20/09/2025 17:06

He can do what he likes but it would hurt me too. I wouldn’t mention it to him though.

KellyJonesLeatherTrousers · 20/09/2025 17:09

Sounds like he is loving life and taking his opportunities. Be happy for him, it’s not about you!

Stompythedinosaur · 20/09/2025 17:10

I think you should be focusing on ways to afford going to see him rather than being frustrated he won't come to see you.

Does he ever come closer to home, maybe somewhere in Europe that's a bit cheaper to reach? Is there someone who could have your younger DC so you could go alone to see him?

Okiedokie123 · 20/09/2025 17:14

My ds is doing similar. It hurts a bit……but am I devastated? No! absolutely not. I’m happy he is exploring the world, finding his place in it and earning his own way.
I’d far rather him do what he is doing than living at home in his bedroom unemployed.

OriginalUsername2 · 20/09/2025 17:16

Have you told him how you feel?

I think he should make the effort to see his mum! Assuming you were on good terms and there’s no backstory of falling out, etc. etc. it’s a bit selfish of him to not make an effort.

SleepingisanArt · 20/09/2025 17:16

Be happy that he's enjoying his life whilst he can (the money may run out and they'll settle somewhere). I have a child who lives on the other side of the world (15 hour flight) and I see them every 18 months or so either when I xan afford to visit or they can afford to come home. I'm happy they are living their dream even though they don't have any plans to return to the UK to live. You have young children at home so focus on enjoying their presence rather than focusing on your adult son.

Tagyoureit · 20/09/2025 17:18

How are your conversations when you do speak?

If he's all enthusiastic and the conversation flows then I wouldnt worry, its just logistics.

If he's closed, trying to get blood from a stone then id be more worried if you know what I mean

Gardendiary · 20/09/2025 17:18

I don’t think you can really say anything whilst being unable/unprepared to visit him.
Are the younger siblings full or half siblings? I wonder if he feels disconnected from your current life?

P00hsticks · 20/09/2025 17:20

You don't say how much (or how little) he is keeping in contact with you via phone / whatsapp / facetime etc.

If it's he's making an effort to keep in touch and let you know how he's doing then I think that should be enough rather than expecting him to make frequent trips to see you if he is far away.

I see my elderly mother only a couple of times a year - if I had a teleport machine it would be far more frequently but I'm the other end of the country, I don't drive and it takes me a full day to get there. But I do keep up with her by phoning several times a week.... I'm assuming that your son is actually abroad which would make things even more time-consuming, disruptive and expensive for him.

Daleksatemyshed · 20/09/2025 17:22

Okiedokie123 · 20/09/2025 17:14

My ds is doing similar. It hurts a bit……but am I devastated? No! absolutely not. I’m happy he is exploring the world, finding his place in it and earning his own way.
I’d far rather him do what he is doing than living at home in his bedroom unemployed.

This says it all Op. Your DS is an adult, he's out living a really interesting life and he is getting loads of experience that will serve him well in the future. Maybe you always thought he'd live close to home so you'd see him a lot but it's his life and you can't make choices for him anymore.

Zanatdy · 20/09/2025 17:22

Lots of ways of staying in touch without visiting in person. Could just you go and visit for a few days, rather than everyone? He is a young adult living his life, visiting his mum isn’t top of his priority list unfortunately. I’d be doing all I can to visit him. Saving money, second job etc.

Sarah2891 · 20/09/2025 17:23

YANBU. It's perfectly normal to hope to see your child more often that you've seen him this year.

warmapplepies · 20/09/2025 17:23

I'm sure I remember a post from about a year ago from someone who's son had met someone backpacking and wanted to go off with her - was that you?

Because if it was, you clearly didn't approve of her or their plans and I do wonder whether that has a part to play.

If it wasn't you. then is there any option for your partner to have the children while you visit your DS for a weekend somewhere?

Cynic17 · 20/09/2025 17:24

OP, it's completely normal for a young adult to not see their parent for a few months. This isn't about you - he's just getting on with his life.
They may seem a bit financially precarious, but they seem to be working hard and making a go of things, so good for them. So let them.go, and enjoy their stories of an exciting new life. He'll be back, in time.

Viviennemary · 20/09/2025 17:25

Not surprised you are worried about his lifestyle ch9ice. Squandering his inheritance and not earning anything. What is he going to do when the money runs out.

stayathomer · 20/09/2025 17:25

cramptramp

He can do what he likes but it would hurt me too. I wouldn’t mention it to him though.

Exactly this, I’d be secretly gutted while of course happy he’s happy. Are you and his df separated or how did he get to go and you didn’t?

warmapplepies · 20/09/2025 17:26

Viviennemary · 20/09/2025 17:25

Not surprised you are worried about his lifestyle ch9ice. Squandering his inheritance and not earning anything. What is he going to do when the money runs out.

OP says they both work.

Lightuptheroom · 20/09/2025 17:27

I've seen my ds roughly once a year since he moved , first to uni and then for work. He's now 23. Make use of technology, what's app, face time etc , no, it's not the same as them standing in front of you but is at least conversation. Mines in the UK but at the opposite end of the country, main reason I haven't seen him is he's working or doing something else etc etc etc. They tend to just live their lives at that age.

ShinyAppleDreamingOfTheSea · 20/09/2025 17:33

I feel for you OP. Do his younger siblings miss him too? Are they somewhere far away where it would be difficult and expensive for him to fly back for a short time? I would probably be prioritising trying to find a way to get out to see him, for example, can you take the younger children out of school for a couple of days when it’s cheaper, or offer to pay some money towards him (and possibly his partner) coming back? The feasibility of that depends on where they are though.

Biscoffbiscuits · 20/09/2025 17:36

You need to chill. Just be happy your son is doing this at a young age so he will have no regrets later. Surely with today’s tech… FaceTime etc… you can keep in touch regularly and adequately. Not the same as a hug I know, but still. You should be proud of his independence.

TallulahLikesHoola · 20/09/2025 17:36

warmapplepies · 20/09/2025 17:23

I'm sure I remember a post from about a year ago from someone who's son had met someone backpacking and wanted to go off with her - was that you?

Because if it was, you clearly didn't approve of her or their plans and I do wonder whether that has a part to play.

If it wasn't you. then is there any option for your partner to have the children while you visit your DS for a weekend somewhere?

This, how old are the younger children? Did you see him a lot while he still lived here? Did you have agood relationship with him?

Littletreefrog · 20/09/2025 17:38

I think you have two issues.

First his lifestyle at the moment seems shortsighted what is the plan when the money runs out?

Second you not having seen him since January is par for the course for many parents of 26 year olds. Many people's kids move to live in other countries or move n within this country and lead busy lives which means physically meeting up doesn't happen. Do you still contact each other regularly? I think if so then you don't need to worry.

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