To be devastated in how long it’s been since I last got to see DS

[Dinomore]

My eldest DS is 26, I have 2 younger children and currently we are financially just about getting by so can’t afford to travel.
Last January my DS and his girlfriend (who he had known for 5 months at that point and had only met while backpacking) decided to live there life in a less conventional way. Basically they pick a city and just stay there for about 4-8 weeks at a time, really integrate, make friends, join clubs, live like locals rather than tourists. They can only do this as my son inherited some (not loads) of money from his paternal grandparents and she had money from her family. He makes money doing some freelance video editing for YouTube and she does some freelance translation work.
They are very happy with how they are living right now and see no hurry to change it.

However this means I haven’t actually seen my son since last January. He keeps telling me he will come home and visit as he knows fine well I can’t afford to fly anywhere and visit him, but hasn’t and today told me they won’t be back for Christmas either. Her dad has gone to visit them but like I said I really can’t afford to as with two younger children it would have to be in school holidays and we are really only just getting by.

It is starting to really upset me and make me wonder if he is avoiding me, I hear of so many young adults going low contact with their parents and I really don’t want that to be what he is doing. I’m so happy he is living his life in a way that makes him happy and I know it’s got to be such a lovely enriching way to live, but I’d love if they could make a mini one week stop off with us just so I could see him again.

AIBU to be hurt or is he just living his life how hr sees fit and I just have to save really hard if I want to see him anytime soon?

You’ve got two young children you say? How is that your elder son’s problem? He’s just living his life as an adult. So yes YABU and you’ll have to save won’t you.

Best way to lose your children, and even more so your children-in-law, is becoming the parent from hell DEMANDING to see people at Christmas.
How bizarre that , as a parent, you don't want to see your children because they are obligated to, as opposed to look forward to the visit?

we sll have to make compromises and your adult son needs to learn this if he wants to maintain relationships.
hes' being a normal child - it's his mother who is at risk of losing the relationship if she gets the same attitude as you.

What "compromise" does he need to make? He has his whole life ahead of him!

I’m not sure what to be concerned about? They are earning reliably every month enough to cover the vast majority of costs. He has a bachelors in film, tv and digital media production and a masters in post production editing. His girlfriend has a masters in translations studies so they are still pursuing the same careers they otherwise would be.

You went on and had a new family, who take priority over him and now you’re cross you’re not his priority?

Before I knew DH he travelled round the world for almost 2 years. I’m a bit jealous I didn’t get that opportunity and this was back before the internet.

Does he msg or FaceTime because if he does then chill out.

OP, gently, read this back. You are saying that you are prioritizing spending disposable income on your younger children rather than saving it to see your son. Rightfully so imo, but it is a choice. In the same way that your son is making a choice about how to spend his time and disposable income.

It sounds like he’s living an amazing and fulfilling life. Not minimizing how much you miss him, but you can’t put it on him to facilitate you seeing each other.

I don’t think I’m speaking out of turn in saying the more we move towards a country that doesn’t appeal to a great many of our youth , the more we are likely to see younger people with skills that they can use elsewhere move elsewhere - there are over 65 country’s that offer nomad visas if you can work from anywhere and have consistent provable income and don’t need to work within that country’s economy - plus of course if you are moving around and only staying 4-8 weeks you don’t actually even need to obtain a nomad visa - within of course the various ‘length of time for staying’ obligations. Nowhere is perfect but it often feels less of an issue if you are not ‘stuck’ somewhere - my son has already said if Farage gets in, he’s off - but likelihood is we will beat him to it - as we all would be able to use initial nomad visas if necessary -( up to 2 years) - the fact is OP he is totally entitled to base himself where he wishes as an adult and see you when he is in a position to do so or can be arsed to fork out to do so - it’s hurtful I know ( and I’ve been there) but just keep in touch, message frequently and just show you care, gulp back any disapproval . I have several friends in Aus and BZ and in one case the other way round -parents over there who physically haven’t seen family for 6 or 7 years

Tell him you miss him and ask if ye can do FaceTime once a month, surely he has loads to talk about as he is living such an interesting life, so tell him you and his siblings want to hear about it, have the kids in the FaceTime as well

Sounds like he is just enjoying his life rather than cutting you out. He probably doesn't have a whole load of disposable cash to make an international trip to see you. Just keep the contact up. You can let him know you miss him in a way that isn't a guilt trip. x

I think they have plenty of income to work with actually. He inherited 40k, he earns a decent amount, hid girlfriend earns a decent amount and she inherited a property in her home country she is renting out.

And he's probably equally hurt that his mum hasn't made the effort to come and see him, either.

I have a parent who never made the effort to come and visit me once I left home and it really stung. I go and visit them, but our relationship still isn't the same and I'm almost 40 now.

Your son grew up and left home and in his eyes, you replaced him with younger siblings (different dad?) and now all your time and money goes on them. That hurts no matter how old you are.

If he's only been doing this for 5 months with the girlfriend why have you not seen him since last Jan? Could.you go and visit without the younger kids?

No he met the girlfriend mid 2023, while Backpacking, January 2024 they started their digital nomad life.

This, that's actually really sad, especially if that's how you express yourself to him.
"It's more important to me to do stuff with my new family than you"
Has that how you've been with him since you began new relationship and had the younger dc? When did he move out of the family home?

Perhaps some of your money should be prioritised to visiting your older child instead of just the younger ones? Next time he's in Europe perhaps?

And if you hadn't gone on to have two more kids, you could afford to go visit him. What's your point? He's living his life how he has chosen with someone he loves. You're doing the same. He isn't being selfish in any way here.

Our children are only on loan to us while they're dependent.
I don't think I thought about my mother throughout my 20's, they were the years of fun, we grew close again as life settled down.
There is always video calls.
When I was a child, if someone went travelling it really was goodbye for years, other than the odd postcard.

I honestly think you need to readjust. He's a grown adult with his own life. Even if he had emigrated to say, Australia permanently you would need to accept you won't see him frequently. He's travelling and working and just living his life.

Do you keep in touch in other ways?? Contact doesn't have to be face to face in person.

It's okay to miss him but not to be churlish or needy about it.

I'd actually be really proud OP. It sounds like you've raised a confident, educated, adventurous adult who is living a fantastic life.

Sounds like you were the one who started a new life first, imo you should save a bit harder to make the effort for your eldest and show him by your actions how much he means to you.

Are you seriously suggesting that he should use his inheritance to come and see you so that you don't have to dip into your holiday fund?

You are prioritizing your younger dc. Fair enough, but you don't then get to whinge when he prioritizes himself and his gf.

Do you Zoom regularly? I live in a different country from my DF and we have a video chat regularly. During the Covid lockdowns when he was stuck at home on his own we did a video chat every day.

It sound like the main hurt is that you feel he's pulling away and are worried he's going low contact. In this situation is sounds like he's just having way too much fun living this exciting lifestyle that he's not doing anything deliberately.
y
Next time they get to a country a bit closer why don't you save enough just for a ticket for you - have your younger kids stay with their Dad - and then you can spend some quality time with him without having to split your attention with his siblings.

I would make sure you tell him regularly how proud and happy you are that he's exploring the world - if you nag him too much about coming home he'll probably resent you and feel less like making the effort.

My younger children’s dad isn’t involved so that isn’t an option for me, I have no one who could look after them overnight.

Relationships are a two-way street when you’re an adult. I still think it’s cruel to not go and visit a good mum who put maybe twenty years into bringing you up.

This is not a new problem. My DF used to tell me that he didn’t go home for three years when he did his national service in the 1950s. He was in his early 20s having a whale of a time at the other end of the country. He dutifully rang home every week and apparently all my grandma used to say to him was “When are you coming home?” which put him off even more. So when both me and my sibling had opportunities to spend time working abroad, he was proud and happy for us, gave us his blessing and told us to make the most of it. And then went to evening classes to learn how to do email and Skype and bought a computer and enjoyed following our adventures online. I know he missed us but he told us we had to live our own lives.

Whereas DM just remembered her family members who emigrated to the West coast of America in the 1950s and who wrote every couple of months and came home once a decade. She spent every moment we were abroad (different continents) fretting and crying if a friend of hers asked how we were doing. She refused to learn to use the computer and couldn’t even text on her mobile phone but then complained that Dad knew more than she did about what we were doing, even though he’d print off our emails and photos for her.

Both my sibling and I returned to the UK and married and settled down and have been around to support our parents in their twilight years. I loved(d) them both, but it’s Dad’s quiet pride I miss more than Mum’s anxiety.

YANBU hes going through an exciting time in his life exploring the world and finding his feet. I remember being that age and being more distant from my mum and now I have a child I can’t imagine her doing it to me! But she will and if anything, it’s an accolade to you for bringing up such an independent assured child. It’s hard and tough but he’s just enjoying life and at some point he will want to come home and see you. I think he knows you’ll always be there and therefore there is no rush for him to get back to you. Try and take it as a good thing xx