To be devastated in how long it’s been since I last got to see DS

[Dinomore]

My eldest DS is 26, I have 2 younger children and currently we are financially just about getting by so can’t afford to travel.
Last January my DS and his girlfriend (who he had known for 5 months at that point and had only met while backpacking) decided to live there life in a less conventional way. Basically they pick a city and just stay there for about 4-8 weeks at a time, really integrate, make friends, join clubs, live like locals rather than tourists. They can only do this as my son inherited some (not loads) of money from his paternal grandparents and she had money from her family. He makes money doing some freelance video editing for YouTube and she does some freelance translation work.
They are very happy with how they are living right now and see no hurry to change it.

However this means I haven’t actually seen my son since last January. He keeps telling me he will come home and visit as he knows fine well I can’t afford to fly anywhere and visit him, but hasn’t and today told me they won’t be back for Christmas either. Her dad has gone to visit them but like I said I really can’t afford to as with two younger children it would have to be in school holidays and we are really only just getting by.

It is starting to really upset me and make me wonder if he is avoiding me, I hear of so many young adults going low contact with their parents and I really don’t want that to be what he is doing. I’m so happy he is living his life in a way that makes him happy and I know it’s got to be such a lovely enriching way to live, but I’d love if they could make a mini one week stop off with us just so I could see him again.

AIBU to be hurt or is he just living his life how hr sees fit and I just have to save really hard if I want to see him anytime soon?

@cupfinalchaos that's really sad 😢

Can I just clarify, I haven’t seen him since January 2024. They are both earning well, he has contracts with some creators that create reliable work as does she.
They aren’t blowing through money.

As for integrating I guess they feel like they are getting a better feel for a city than if they just passed through for a week and stayed in hostels. They go to sports clubs etc. and meet locals many they have stayed in touch with. His girlfriend is a polyglot so that helps.

I didn’t see him loads but about once every couple of months before he left. My other children are 7 and 9. He messages often but few calls etc.

God, I’d miss him like crazy whilst gnawing off my own lips to beg him for a cuddle.

My son moved to the USA for work when he was 26. During Covid we didn’t see him for more than two years and we average about once a year going to see him. He never comes back as there are so many other places to go.

But I’ve always felt close to him as we’re in constant contact via Whatapp. This is normal in today’s world OP.

Thank you She finds it really hard despite having loads of friends.. and me!

He’s been all over, Europe sometimes but also South America, Africa, South East Asia, Australia etc. right now they are in Vancouver and going to Buenos Aires next.

Have to agree. I first thought DS was 21 or something but he’s 26 so I’d have thought that’s a normal age at which you’d start seeing your child less - and in fact would encourage it! In DS defence also, he’s embracing a full on digital nomad lifestyle for a bit and it wouldn’t be so immersive if he’s coming home inbetween then to see his family especially if he has to be extra cautious about where his limited income goes. Also, he has a GF and that changes the situation a little.

OP just be there for him and be proactive about scheduling FaceTime. As we oldies know, our 20s fly by. I’d just let him do his own thing and be proud you raised a child keen to adventure and explore before the seriousness of adulthood calls!

It’s great that he is exploring but visiting you for Christmas after two years is not a big ask and is quite selfish. we sll have to make compromises and your adult son needs to learn this if he wants to maintain relationships. It’s not all about him. It’s not all about you but there needs to be a balance somewhere.

I wouldn’t worry about him not being in touch. I think it’s quite normal for adult sons to focus on living their lives rather than keeping you informed of what he’s up to.

We live abroad from our 2 adult DS and their families and if we see them once every couple of years, that’s good going.

Make time for video calls and try and catch up that way?

He is living his best life. I would be so happy for him. You say that he sends messages. That is not non-contact - that is very much a millennial way of keeping in touch. I would engage with this - even buy the younger ones a wall map putting pins of where he has been. Show him how you follow his life. Of course it is not the same as having him sitting on your sofa and making him a cup of tea - but he is keeping in touch.

He will never be able to turn around to you and say “what if ….?”.

Can’t you save to fly him back for a weekend if you can’t afford to fly all of you over? I think I would be having the conversation to say you would like to see him, his siblings would also like to see him and you miss him. It doesn’t sound like there is any real pressing reason why he can’t schedule in a holiday to see you? More communication needed I think.

Of course, you're right be be upset and also concerned.
26 is very young, even if adult.
He could be getting into all sorts of trouble with someone whom it sounds like you hardly know.
All the posts saying 'it isn't about you' are absolutely ridiculous. Please take no notice.
If you have never been in the position of having adult children, you will not understand they still need their family's concern and attention.

Realistically not with any speed. All my spare money goes into funding family holidays with my younger children, Christmas etc. and they all have to be done on a tight budget.
He is also earning every month so can afford the flights + his inheritance etc.

I’m not concerned about his lifestyle. I just miss him and feel hurt that he hasn’t wanted to visit.

Haha, I do believe you will require a chaperone though! Off we go… 😂✈️🎟️

Sorry but I can see no bitterness in OP's post. She's clearly a loving and concerned parent.
I'm afraid this post is very slanted.

Fair enough. Personally, I would also be concerned. But you're quite right to be hurt by the situation.

Try not to let it get to you. You are no longer a priority in his life. He's not bothered about making a trip home to spend time with you, or he would have done it by now.

You could think of it like a phase in his life, and hope that in years to come he might gravitate back towards you in a healthy way. But your job is done. You've raised him and he's an independent adult who probably doesn't really think much about what used to be "home" but isn't any more.

So he was an only child until you had your other dc when he was in his mid/late teens? That must have been a big upheaval in his life, did he feel resentful towards you?

It's a very long time not to have seen him, I would be (secretly) hurt too but he sounds very resourceful and really engaged with living his life so I would also feel proud of him.

This is ridiculous. Of course his life style is all his choice. Our adult kids do not owe us Christmas visits and I can’t think of anything worse than spending time with my adult children because they feel obliged.

OP, why is the financial burden of the visit your son’s to bear? If he travels home it is either the cost of two flights for him and his girlfriend, or presumably her accommodation costs double whilst he is away. Perhaps they are ‘just getting by’ too. It’s not your son’s responsibility to make this happen.

what now?

It's bad enough to hear the anxiety about 16 or 17 year old, but he's 26!!!
He's not "very young", he's a fully grown adult 😂

If you have never been in the position of having adult children, you will not understand they still need their family's concern and attention.
They need to know they always have a room in your house, it's their home too, but they don't need a hand hold!

All the posts saying 'it isn't about you' are absolutely ridiculous.
They really are not. He's living his best life, he doesn't need a distraught mummy to bother him.

If the OP has 7 and 9 year old children, she's not a fragile OAP a bit anxious about the world, she's likely a middle age woman who can miss her child, of course, but be chilled about it.

I understand, OP. It will be two years in January since you've seen him. I strongly disapprove of that since it sounds like he could afford to come home for a visit. But then, I'm a family person and I do think that adult kids owe their parents at least some minimal time and attention, assuming a non-dysfunctional or abusive background.

My parents have passed now, but I was always careful not to hurt their feelings by being as selfish as your son has been. Not since January 2024 is a really long time, and he must surely know that you love him and miss him. I would be really hurt in your shoes. But I don't think there's anything you can do about it beyond gently inquiring when he might be back next. Apart from that, you might as well enthusiastically support his lifestyle and girlfriend choice even if you're not feeling it, because there's nothing you can do about any of it. Sorry you got one of "those" adult kids. (The ones who are just selfish and have no thought for the parents who love them and brought them up.)

I also have 2 step sons, the older one (in the same age bracket as your ds) moved to the USA and has barely spoken to his dad in the 7 years since he moved, even more hurtful his mum died 5 years before that, so DH felt absolutely devastated, he didn't come home when his grandmother died 2 years ago either. The younger one has 'failed to take flight' which is far worse than them not visiting, he hasn't left home, is unable to access work and sits in his room all day... It's a common issue in this age group it sounds like your son is choosing to embrace life, yes he's young, yes they do still need their families but they largely get to make choices of what that looks like. Also, the age gap between siblings is large so he may not feel a need to visit them in the same way as they'd like to see him

it's only been a couple of years! Let him be, he's getting travel out of his sytem, it's not about you.

Maybe he doesnt' feel like his girlfriend would be very welcome and is keen to avoid that?

My son was in Vancouver for a year. . My other son came with me to visit the son in Vancouver and he then went to Australia. I haven’t seen him now since July 24 and miss him so much. I am going in November to visit in Oz .
Can you offer to pay for airfare for him to visit .
My daughter is desperately missing her brother because she has 2 children and will not be in a position to travel to Oz for a long time!
We will pay his airfare to come back next year even if just for a visit.
I do completely get it OP but on the other hand I would rather happy sons over seeing them regularly but unfulfilled.
Don’t take it personally it is perfectly normal for adult children not to miss their parents much . It doesn’t mean they don’t love us !